Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[Distraught1]

15 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Yeah I do. I know it's better for everyone involved. As much as it will be difficult it is like any bad addiction - at some point you need to quit, you know it's bad for you and as enjoyable as it is, ultimately it's not doing you any good. So for that reason, I have to. I don't want to, but in the long run it is having a damaging affect on me - all the smoke and mirrors aside (i.e. the compliments, feeling good, etc)

Our stories are very similar.. If you check my post you can have a read through. Yours was the first I read that really resonated with me and I got a lot from it, so it might help you to read mine. Stay strong 

 

Don't do what I did...it's not worth it. I read your post and completely identify with what you have said. It certainly is like a drug and feels good at the time but can only end badly.

Best of luck to you! Stay strong as well! 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Distraught1

[Easter Bunny]

3 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

You are so right EB. Me cheating was a sign that my marriage was/is suffering. I do try to talk to my husband about it. He was raised to not talk about problems and not face them. We have two children so that is the most difficult part. If not for them, I believe that I would not be with him any more. 

I will carry this burden myself. I will never hurt him by telling him because I know what that would do to him but I do feel in all honesty, that well before the cheating, I asked him to work on our marriage and go to counseling. He was not interested. We already had children at this point so I decided to just suck it up and focus on them and my career. This is what I did. Now my kids are older and no longer need my attention and love to the extent that they did so my emptiness is/was back again. I am trying to look into other things to focus on but in the end the emptiness will rear it's head again. I'm hoping that my therapist will be able to help me see more clearly and make better decisions for myself and the ones I love. I do love my husband and don't want him to hurt. I'm trying to get help to understand and move forward in a more healthy way...whatever that might be. Thank you for taking the time to comment.  

cheating is a bad decision, but so is staying in a doomed marriage. I think you will need to do a lot of soul searching and find what you really want in life. you only get one chance at life, and there are no do overs. if your husband isn't willing to work on the problems you bring up then he has no interest in fixing anything, and doesn't respect your struggles. I think it paints a pretty clear picture what the future holds. 

 

[Distraught1]

5 minutes ago, Easter Bunny said:

cheating is a bad decision, but so is staying in a doomed marriage. I think you will need to do a lot of soul searching and find what you really want in life. you only get one chance at life, and there are no do overs. if your husband isn't willing to work on the problems you bring up then he has no interest in fixing anything, and doesn't respect your struggles. I think it paints a pretty clear picture what the future holds. 

 

The odd thing is that many of my marital needs are met but not the sexual/emotional aspect. I know that's a big deal but we do have fun and laugh and are good parents together. We go on dates but it's more like great friends than lovers. It's such a difficult situation because nobody wants divorce. Cheating is a bad decision. It never ends well even if it's just me and my burden it's not a good place to be spiritually or mentally. I know this and am looking at why I decided that it was ok or why I needed someone else to fill the void for so many years. 

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Easter Bunny said:

cheating usually isn't a sign that something is wrong with you as much as there is something wrong with your marriage.

Can you explain this?

Yes, I do agree, there may very well be something wrong/a void in the marriage she is attempting to avoid/fill, however, Im struggling with how this isnt a "her" issue and youve deemed cheating a marriage issue. That sounds like the opposite of what we hear here so often and confused me. I mean no harm and I'm not being snarky. Cheaters cheat. Even when happy. 

[Distraught1]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

Can you explain this?

Yes, I do agree, there may very well be something wrong/a void in the marriage she is attempting to avoid/fill, however, Im struggling with how this isnt a "her" issue and youve deemed cheating a marriage issue. That sounds like the opposite of what we hear here so often and confused me. I mean no harm and I'm not being snarky. Cheaters cheat. Even when happy. 

I'm not here to explain the above but I will say that I wasn't physical with anybody else for 16 years of my marriage and wasn't happy for many of those years. I had opportunities but did not and have no plans to do so again. So I don't think you can pigeon hole everyone in your statement that cheaters cheat...even when happy. Every life and scenario are different. Sure there are stereotypes for everything and many ring true...but not all. 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

I'm not here to explain the above but I will say that I wasn't physical with anybody else for 16 years of my marriage and wasn't happy for many of those years. I had opportunities but did not and have no plans to do so again. So I don't think you can pigeon hole everyone in your statement that cheaters cheat...even when happy. Every life and scenario are different. Sure there are stereotypes for everything and many ring true...but not all. 

You proved my point further here. 

Cheaters cheat, even when happy. Just like people who are unhappy never cheat (much like you for 16 years.) If Id asked this before you ever cheated, youd have said you would never cheat. 

 The unhappiness isnt what caused the lapse in morals. Blaming a cruddy marriage (for whatever the reason its cruddy) is doing the cheater a disservice. There is something that clicked or happened that caused you to lose your moral compass and it wasnt a cruddty marriage. You could have left your marriage. You, as a cheater, (generally speaking) chose to cheat and blame your marriage for cheating.  Id be in therapy to figure out why I felt cheating was my option over fixing my marriage, remaining unhappy because I have been for 16 years or leave the marriage. No leaving isnt easy and divorce is hard. I understand both of those things. Been there, done that. Have the shirt yada yada yada.......  But dont do a further disservice to yourself by not figuring out why you cheated to begin with

Edited October 7, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Distraught1]

59 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

You proved my point further here. 

Cheaters cheat, even when happy. Just like people who are unhappy never cheat (much like you for 16 years.) If Id asked this before you ever cheated, youd have said you would never cheat. 

 The unhappiness isnt what caused the lapse in morals. Blaming a cruddy marriage (for whatever the reason its cruddy) is doing the cheater a disservice. There is something that clicked or happened that caused you to lose your moral compass and it wasnt a cruddty marriage. You could have left your marriage. You, as a cheater, (generally speaking) chose to cheat and blame your marriage for cheating.  Id be in therapy to figure out why I felt cheating was my option over fixing my marriage, remaining unhappy because I have been for 16 years or leave the marriage. No leaving isnt easy and divorce is hard. I understand both of those things. Been there, done that. Have the shirt yada yada yada.......  But dont do a further disservice to yourself by not figuring out why you cheated to begin with

I've just started therapy for this very purpose.

[Daisydooks]

7 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I've just started therapy for this very purpose.

I am really proud of you for that!!!! 

[Easter Bunny]

5 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Can you explain this?

Yes, I do agree, there may very well be something wrong/a void in the marriage she is attempting to avoid/fill, however, Im struggling with how this isnt a "her" issue and youve deemed cheating a marriage issue. That sounds like the opposite of what we hear here so often and confused me. I mean no harm and I'm not being snarky. Cheaters cheat. Even when happy. 

sure, because it isn't about something being wrong with her like she has in the inability to not cheat. if she was fulfilled within her marriage then it wouldn't be an option. there are some people that do try to self sabotage, and in that case it would be them and not so much the marriage. you mention cheaters cheat which begs the question are cheaters born or made? Do they have an inability to not cheat? can they ever be in a relationship where they don't? is it possible that many people that have a history of cheating also keep ending up in a similar relationship because they are using the same bait? if so isn't this a form of self sabotage?

too often people seek others to make them whole. they need others for validation, attention, and a sense of self worth. when two people find each other that compliment this need, the relationship works quite well because they can keep each other in a state of emotional homeostasis. When one side needs validation and attention where the other doesn't, or can't give what the other needs it can become problematic.  it really is very much like a job you are not happy with or you settled for. when a better job pops up you will apply for it. 

In this case the partnership she has become part of is not giving her what she needs emotionally or physically. this isn't anything wrong with her per se, it is the marriage isn't bringing these things to the table. therefore it is the marriage, and not the person. if her husband was more affectionate and sexually attentive she would not be looking elsewhere to have these needs met. if that makes sense. 

I'm also not saying it is his fault. you cannot blame him for her actions. it is they are not as compatible as they wish they could be. trying to make something work that simply doesn't. 

the infidelity rates within marriages it is quite high. is it because most of the population are just cheaters? i don't think so. even though there are some that are habitual cheaters. they usually are recognized by having multiple partners, and not just one long term. 

I'm not sure if I was able to explain my statement as well as I would have liked to. 

I don't condone cheating, but I understand most of the time why people do it. You are also correct in placing accountability on the person who engaged in the cheating. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Easter Bunny said:

In this case the partnership she has become part of is not giving her what she needs emotionally or physically. this isn't anything wrong with her per se, it is the marriage isn't bringing these things to the table. therefore it is the marriage, and not the person. if her husband was more affectionate and sexually attentive she would not be looking elsewhere to have these needs met. if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. It's also true (and you alluded to this) that while there are plenty of folks like this out there, there are also plenty who cheat even though they're actually perfectly happy but simply don't fear or aren't thinking through consequences.

Morals also have no objective reality beyond what our thoughts and socialization give them (and you can look at things that are seen as reasonable in other cultures to see just how different they can be). So cheating isn't necessarily less moral than divorcing to everyone, particularly if divorcing would impact kids.

Edited October 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Easter Bunny said:

is it because most of the population are just cheaters³

Yes.  Quite obviously, given the stats. 😂 I am not positive humans can be monogamous. A good percentage obviously cannot help themselves.

[Easter Bunny]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

Yes.  Quite obviously, given the stats. 😂 I am not positive humans can be monogamous. A good percentage obviously cannot help themselves.

boy you really have given up on human kind. lol

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Easter Bunny said:

boy you really have given up on human kind. lol

I think people are genuinely good. Most of them. I think people lose their way sometimes. But stats dont lie 😂

[Birdies]

On 10/7/2021 at 9:13 AM, Distraught1 said:

Thank you for asking...I have started therapy (one session) and believe it will be very helpful. I have vastly limited contact w/ my affair partner. Our affair is more emotional in nature because we live in different states...so it's really just emails or calls unless we make a plan to drive several hours. We have no plans to do so at this time. We discussed that we both will not leave our marriages so this relationship although feels incredibly connected, is infact, futile. We will end up wanting more down the road which will only cause one or more of us more pain and inevitably more ppl pain. I've not talked to him in close to two weeks and have limited my emails to him. I'm two days NC which hasn't been easy because he is a friend and that is the hardest part. But I know that it's for the best. I know some here say that weaning doesn't work but it's what I'm trying now. I hope I'm strong enough now but it may take more time with my therapist to get there. 

How are you doing? Have you been able to do NC? 

Remember that every day you don’t do it, it just makes it harder to start. 

[Distraught1]

On 11/6/2021 at 8:08 PM, Birdies said:

How are you doing? Have you been able to do NC? 

Remember that every day you don’t do it, it just makes it harder to start. 

I have not. I've tried, and told him that it's got to end. He says he will respect my wishes but doesn't want to end our connection. If it's what I want he understands but that it will break his heart. This is mostly an emotional affair. We've had sex on two occasions in 2 years. We even spoke about knowing that we are both lacking physical and emotional connection in our marriages and that is why we are in this together. We are very open with each other. We even acknowledge that it's unhealthy. I've known him for 16 years so there is difficulty in that history. I am talking to a therapist weekly. Last week's session is when I told them about the MM. The other sessions were about my early life, my marriage and now we have broached the subject of this man in my life. We are going to continue tomorrow on this subject. 

Thank you for checking-in. I 100% know that the longer this continues the harder it will be. He knows I'm pulling away. I actually told him he should forgive his wife and recommit to his marriage. He said that there was truth in my sentiment but that it was really hurtful. I apologized and...I guess it's an interesting relationship that we have. I truly care about him and almost want him to end this it so that I can walk away. I feel that I'm not strong enough. If he ended it than I could stop but we both keep coming back in for more. And by more it's primarily daily emails and occasional video phone calls. No virtual sex or anything. Some pic exchanges and fantasy stories but mostly a supportive friendship. I think if he was a complete dirt bag that was only after my body I would be turned off by such a man but this is not the case. This makes it more difficult for me. Perhaps this is the case in most affairs and why they are so difficult to go NC? We have established that we will not ever be together but that we can help each other to be happier. Definite mind F.

Thanks again.