Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[DKT3]

1 minute ago, Distraught1 said:

Do you ever think that maybe ignorance is bliss? Maybe we can move forward w/o my husband ever knowing about this. I'm not a serial cheater. Parts of our marriage is good, parts aren't. I'm going to go to individual therapy to work on myself. I don't think the marriage therapy will happen for a long while. We have been married for 18 years. Are all parts of any marriage good? In my situation, the AP lives in another state so I won't be running in to him in the school yard or the grocery store. I'll still have him as a coworker but I think I can manage that as soon as I decide to go 100% NC. 

Maybe you should read alot more here, that is a plan that will surely fail. 

Plus exposure most often kills affairs or the marriage,  either way its ground zero to build an authentic life. 

With your history whats to say you won't restart in a few years?

Recently we had a 70 year old man who just discovered his wife's infidelities from 40 years ago, it doesn't go away. 

[Distraught1]

Just now, Amethyst68 said:

Well as an outsider going only by your posts what you say here is certainly not the impression I get from both the content and the tone of the majority of your posts. 

How long do you think it's going to take to get you "there"? A month, year? One final meetup for sex?

Do you communicate solely through work communications or use your own phone, computer etc? You don't seem bothered about any possibility of your BH finding out a 7 year affair?

 

 

I understand my posts may seem dry and unemotional. Perhaps I am a bit shut down and have probably gone there to manage this affair a sense. 

I'm not sure how long it's going to take me. But I do feel that I'm getting closer. Perhaps the AP does too. We've both cooled down a bit lately.

We communicate solely on our phones w/ encrypted email. All texts get deleted. All calls are on zoom. 2 years ago we revealed our feelings to the other. We have only been communicating in this way since 9/19....one year of that was covid.   

[Distraught1]

2 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Maybe you should read alot more here, that is a plan that will surely fail. 

Plus exposure most often kills affairs or the marriage,  either way its ground zero to build an authentic life. 

With your history whats to say you won't restart in a few years?

Recently we had a 70 year old man who just discovered his wife's infidelities from 40 years ago, it doesn't go away. 

I'm sure you're right. It's something I will always have to live with.

[Distraught1]

4 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

This is a big NO. It is the height of hipocrasy! You cannot take your husband to MC while you are cheating on him with another man. Are you going to be admitting your affair beforehand? 

I will not go to marital counseling until I work through some personal issues w/ therapy and end the affair. 

[DKT3]

5 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I will not go to marital counseling until I work through some personal issues w/ therapy and end the affair. 

It doesn't matter if your not willing to put your issues on the table. 

I've always thought affair were merely the apex actions of long standing behavior, your willingness to trick your husband into staying in a marriage that, given the truth and a real view of who his is married to he may not want. That is as unfair as the affair itself so just more continued behavior. 

If I'm honest,  I don't believe you will actually stop with this other guy. Your not willing to do the work.

Edited September 23, 2021 by DKT3

[Distraught1]

29 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

It doesn't matter if your not willing to put your issues on the table. 

I've always thought affair were merely the apex actions of long standing behavior, your willingness to trick your husband into staying in a marriage that, given the truth and a real view of who his is married to he may not want. That is as unfair as the affair itself so just more continued behavior. 

If I'm honest,  I don't believe you will actually stop with this other guy. Your not willing to do the work.

Not sure if you are actually reading my posts?!?!

[DKT3]

13 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Not sure if you are actually reading my posts?!?!

I've read. Honestly I don't see a woman who is really interested in her husband's feelings. I asked you what was his purpose in your life you never answered.  I asked several times if its a marriage he deserves and all you can muster is maybe not the last two years. This after admission of a five year emotional affair in the beginning because you were bored. Now, you want to continue to lie and deceive him, as you decide to maybe someday end your affair.  Where is the concern for him you claim to have in any of that. You make it seem like the guy is a prop in your life, kinda like a sofa or a dishwasher. 

There is no respect. No one deserves to be on standby while thier spouse decides what they want from someone else. 

Not many here will be fooled by the contradictions in your words and the even more contradictory actions.

Edited September 23, 2021 by DKT3

[Starswillshine]

Trying to get your spouse to go to marriage counseling while engaged in an affair is an extremely cruel thing to do. 

[Distraught1]

16 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I've read. Honestly I don't see a woman who is really interested in her husband's feelings. I asked you what was his purpose in your life you never answered.  I asked several times if its a marriage he deserves and all you can muster is maybe not the last two years. This after admission of a five year emotional affair in the beginning because you were bored. Now, you want to continue to lie and deceive him, as you decide to maybe someday end your affair.  Where is the concern for him you claim to have in any of that. You make it seem like the guy is a prop in your life, kinda like a sofa or a dishwasher. 

There is no respect. No one deserves to be on standby while thier spouse decides what they want from someone else. 

Not many here will be fooled by the contradictions in your words and the even more contradictory actions.

So what exactly is your advice? End the affair, tell my husband, get divorced or not after I come clean? I have children and a mortgage and a career. I'm moving in this direction and want to be a better person. Nothing happens overnight is what I am saying here. My life situation is something you know nothing about. My daughter is in a very fragile situation physically and mentally and blowing up her life is not an option. 

Maybe you were treated like a prop and so you are telling me I'm doing the same...but you really don't have a clue. I am kinder and more loving to my husband than he is to me. You can rewind that and point to the affair, which I know is wrong, but at the same time perhaps my husband is treating me like a prop or trophy wife that looks good to others but he really doesn't invest emotionally in our marriage and never really has.

You are a button pusher and you know this. I've read your other posts and you are mean. Brutally honest? Fine, but I am wondering why you spend so much of your day posting your hard ball advice to others with out empathy? I'm sure your life and relationships are perfect and seamless that's why you are so invested in telling people how messed up they are. Makes your life feel better maybe? Well good for you! Maybe you were hurt by someone and you're taking it out here? As the "person behind the key board" you are so wise. Please don't comment on my thread anymore as you are not really reading my words. You are taking your feelings and transposing them to my situation.

[Distraught1]

16 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Trying to get your spouse to go to marriage counseling while engaged in an affair is an extremely cruel thing to do. 

If you read my post...I said, I will end the affair, work on myself with a therapist before marriage counseling. I will not go to marriage counseling while engaged in this. I was pointing out that for many years I have been asking my spouse to go with me to marriage counseling. He refused. More recently he has agreed. He will never initiate this. It will have to be me. When the timing is right I will move forward with this. I'm just happy that he is now open to therapy. I'm suggesting that he see someone on his own to work out some of his own personal demons. He is not as open to this idea but I am hopeful that he will consider this. 

[Starswillshine]

21 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

If you read my post...I said, I will end the affair, work on myself with a therapist before marriage counseling. I will not go to marriage counseling while engaged in this. I was pointing out that for many years I have been asking my spouse to go with me to marriage counseling. He refused. More recently he has agreed. He will never initiate this. It will have to be me. When the timing is right I will move forward with this. I'm just happy that he is now open to therapy. I'm suggesting that he see someone on his own to work out some of his own personal demons. He is not as open to this idea but I am hopeful that he will consider this. 

Admittedly, I hadn't read enough and was going off of something someone else posted. I did assume you were asking your husband to go to counseling whilst engaging in an affair.

Glad to hear I was wrong in my assumption... you know what they say about assuming?

[Distraught1]

18 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Admittedly, I hadn't read enough and was going off of something someone else posted. I did assume you were asking your husband to go to counseling whilst engaging in an affair.

Glad to hear I was wrong in my assumption... you know what they say about assuming?

I understand, these threads can be long and hard to always read the details. Thank you for taking the time to comment. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

Do you ever think that maybe ignorance is bliss? Maybe we can move forward w/o my husband ever knowing about this.

I'm not sure about whether it is, but you can bet your bottom dollar that, with billions of married couples in the world and likely 100's of millions of cheaters, there is some significant % with undiscovered affairs. Likely it's somewhere in the 10's of millions (at least) I might guess. Probably some of those marriages aren't very happy, but you can bet that some are pretty good if not excellent. So the notion that disclosure is somehow critical to repairing a marriage is, IMO, bunk.

What IS critical to repairing a marriage is - well, actually repairing the marriage. It should meet both partners needs to an extent that both find acceptable so that both enjoy and find pleasure in the marriage and want to continue it. This takes "work" and exactly what it entails will vary depending on the couple, their circumstances and personalities, etc. Disclosure of an affair might indeed be part of that for some, but might not be for others.

There are potential advantages to disclosure (such as reducing one's guilty feelings and heading off a Dday from an outside source, among other things). However they must be balanced against the risks, such as the distress it WILL cause the BS, the potential for the BS to immediately and permanently end the marriage, a small, but real, risk of violent behavior, etc, etc. So IMO it's a risk/reward calculation that any given WS needs to make for themself.

Edited September 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

 I have been asking my spouse to go with me to marriage counseling. 

Start with marriage therapy. You're the unhappy one, so you need the individual therapy and to initiate marriage therapy.

Focus on repairing yourself, not fixing your husband.

Can you survive financially if you divorce? What is the reason you stay unhappily married?

[Snakesalive]

On 9/24/2021 at 10:21 PM, mark clemson said:

What IS critical to repairing a marriage is - well, actually repairing the marriage. It should meet both partners needs to an extent that both find acceptable so that both enjoy and find pleasure in the marriage and want to continue it. This takes "work" and exactly what it entails will vary depending on the couple, their circumstances and personalities

this is spot on and reflective of my personal experience.  I know from reading many posts on here some posters have the view that once there has been an infidelity the marriage must end alternatively they choose to stay in the marriage but harbour a resentment that IMO for the Wayward spouse that is then projected onto others on the forum who are seeking  support -that makes me sad . 

For me personal counselling followed by couples counselling has been important in our journey. It is hard work it is effort and for some ending the marriage is the right thing to do and can’t be salvaged if not partners can’t find pleasure and enjoyment with each other . 
 

[Distraught1]

4 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

this is spot on and reflective of my personal experience.  I know from reading many posts on here some posters have the view that once there has been an infidelity the marriage must end alternatively they choose to stay in the marriage but harbour a resentment that IMO for the Wayward spouse that is then projected onto others on the forum who are seeking  support -that makes me sad . 

For me personal counselling followed by couples counselling has been important in our journey. It is hard work it is effort and for some ending the marriage is the right thing to do and can’t be salvaged if not partners can’t find pleasure and enjoyment with each other . 
 

Thank you for that information. It is very helpful and promising. 

[Distraught1]

On 9/25/2021 at 1:24 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Start with marriage therapy. You're the unhappy one, so you need the individual therapy and to initiate marriage therapy.

Focus on repairing yourself, not fixing your husband.

Can you survive financially if you divorce? What is the reason you stay unhappily married?

That is my plan. I'm going to start by trying to fix me. I can survive financially if I divorce. Because of my children and the history I'd like to see if this can be repaired before ending it all. 

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

Thank you for that information. It is very helpful and promising. 

It’s almost a year since my D day and I  don’t recognise the person I was back then . I totally lost myself in the affair-I know why it happened-doesn’t make it any better but it was important for me and for those I love to try and understand how I got there .
Sometimes it scares me how close I was to losing everything . my mind was all over my decision making was absolutely all over . 

My mental health  and my husband’s really suffered and it was a very dark time . However I acknowledge it happened , own my part but I try to not to dwell on the negatives etc an keep moving forward.  

Edited September 26, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Honestlycurious]

On 9/26/2021 at 5:15 PM, Distraught1 said:

That is my plan. I'm going to start by trying to fix me. I can survive financially if I divorce. Because of my children and the history I'd like to see if this can be repaired before ending it all. 

Just wondering how you're doing? 

[Distraught1]

Thank you for asking...I have started therapy (one session) and believe it will be very helpful. I have vastly limited contact w/ my affair partner. Our affair is more emotional in nature because we live in different states...so it's really just emails or calls unless we make a plan to drive several hours. We have no plans to do so at this time. We discussed that we both will not leave our marriages so this relationship although feels incredibly connected, is infact, futile. We will end up wanting more down the road which will only cause one or more of us more pain and inevitably more ppl pain. I've not talked to him in close to two weeks and have limited my emails to him. I'm two days NC which hasn't been easy because he is a friend and that is the hardest part. But I know that it's for the best. I know some here say that weaning doesn't work but it's what I'm trying now. I hope I'm strong enough now but it may take more time with my therapist to get there. 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Distraught1

[Honestlycurious]

8 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Thank you for asking...I have started therapy (one session) and believe it will be very helpful. I have vastly limited contact w/ my affair partner. Our affair is more emotional in nature because we live in different states...so it's really just emails or calls unless we make a plan to drive several hours. We have no plans to do so at this time. We discussed that we both will not leave our marriages so this relationship although feels incredibly connected, is infact, futile. We will end up wanting more down the road which will only cause one or more of us more pain and inevitably more ppl pain. I've not talked to him in close to two weeks and have limited my emails to him. I'm two days NC which hasn't been easy because he is a friend and that is the hardest part. But I know that it's for the best. I know some here say that weaning doesn't work but it's what I'm trying now. I hope I'm strong enough now but it may take more time with my therapist to get there. 

Glad to hear you're taking it slow and going easy on yourself, it is probably best. Seems like you are staying strong so well done. 

Hopefully you can go NC for an extended period of time, though it isn't as clean cut as once you've done a bit of NC you're healed... I've tried that in the past (2-3 months stretches) and I'm still in my situation with my emotional AP, but I am in a place where I am willing to make it work for good. Self care is a huge part of this whole process. X

[Distraught1]

45 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Glad to hear you're taking it slow and going easy on yourself, it is probably best. Seems like you are staying strong so well done. 

Hopefully you can go NC for an extended period of time, though it isn't as clean cut as once you've done a bit of NC you're healed... I've tried that in the past (2-3 months stretches) and I'm still in my situation with my emotional AP, but I am in a place where I am willing to make it work for good. Self care is a huge part of this whole process. X

Thank you for the supportive message. I know it isn't going to be clean cut. We work together so even though we are in different states his name is brought up in conversation or we will be on a conference call together...etc. Also, I've known him for 16 years so the history in and of itself is very challenging to erase. I care for him deeply but know that to try and end it now makes more sense for all involved than later when feelings get stronger on both sides...but seriously difficult to stop thinking about. True about self care and trying not to continuously beat myself up mentally. And to you stay strong! When you say you're in a place that you're willing to make it work for good do you mean to end it?

[Easter Bunny]

well you clearly know what you are doing is really low class. you know it would hurt your husband to find out what you have been doing, but more importantly the emotion being sent this man's way instead of the direction of your husband. whether or not you realize it you have already replaced your husband. this is the issue because even going cold turkey only will end it with this man. when another one enters your life you will do the same thing. this is simply because the underlying problems that directed you in the direction of another man have not been rectified. these unresolved issues will not go away unless you tend to them. if you don't it is like ignoring chest pains before a heart attack.  

cheating usually isn't a sign that something is wrong with you as much as there is something wrong with your marriage. if you see a problem and try not to talk about it, or fix it then you are only making the situation worse. you owe it to yourself and your husband to talk about your problems and ways you can fix them. you both need to be 100% open and honest about it, and not worry about being judged. you both are grown ups and can handle it.  If you can't then perhaps divorce is the best option. no one should live a life of unhappiness. your unhappiness will eventually carry over into your husbands. 

as far as ever telling your husband about the cheating this will only create problems. this is your burden you need to carry not his. he may be understanding about it, but he will always have resentment, feel humiliated, fell anger and jealousy, feel inadequate, and will hold it over your head. he will never see you the same. 

[Honestlycurious]

12 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

When you say you're in a place that you're willing to make it work for good do you mean to end it?

Yeah I do. I know it's better for everyone involved. As much as it will be difficult it is like any bad addiction - at some point you need to quit, you know it's bad for you and as enjoyable as it is, ultimately it's not doing you any good. So for that reason, I have to. I don't want to, but in the long run it is having a damaging affect on me - all the smoke and mirrors aside (i.e. the compliments, feeling good, etc)

Our stories are very similar.. If you check my post you can have a read through. Yours was the first I read that really resonated with me and I got a lot from it, so it might help you to read mine. Stay strong 

 

[Distraught1]

7 minutes ago, Easter Bunny said:

well you clearly know what you are doing is really low class. you know it would hurt your husband to find out what you have been doing, but more importantly the emotion being sent this man's way instead of the direction of your husband. whether or not you realize it you have already replaced your husband. this is the issue because even going cold turkey only will end it with this man. when another one enters your life you will do the same thing. this is simply because the underlying problems that directed you in the direction of another man have not been rectified. these unresolved issues will not go away unless you tend to them. if you don't it is like ignoring chest pains before a heart attack.  

cheating usually isn't a sign that something is wrong with you as much as there is something wrong with your marriage. if you see a problem and try not to talk about it, or fix it then you are only making the situation worse. you owe it to yourself and your husband to talk about your problems and ways you can fix them. you both need to be 100% open and honest about it, and not worry about being judged. you both are grown ups and can handle it.  If you can't then perhaps divorce is the best option. no one should live a life of unhappiness. your unhappiness will eventually carry over into your husbands. 

as far as ever telling your husband about the cheating this will only create problems. this is your burden you need to carry not his. he may be understanding about it, but he will always have resentment, feel humiliated, fell anger and jealousy, feel inadequate, and will hold it over your head. he will never see you the same. 

You are so right EB. Me cheating was a sign that my marriage was/is suffering. I do try to talk to my husband about it. He was raised to not talk about problems and not face them. We have two children so that is the most difficult part. If not for them, I believe that I would not be with him any more. 

I will carry this burden myself. I will never hurt him by telling him because I know what that would do to him but I do feel in all honesty, that well before the cheating, I asked him to work on our marriage and go to counseling. He was not interested. We already had children at this point so I decided to just suck it up and focus on them and my career. This is what I did. Now my kids are older and no longer need my attention and love to the extent that they did so my emptiness is/was back again. I am trying to look into other things to focus on but in the end the emptiness will rear it's head again. I'm hoping that my therapist will be able to help me see more clearly and make better decisions for myself and the ones I love. I do love my husband and don't want him to hurt. I'm trying to get help to understand and move forward in a more healthy way...whatever that might be. Thank you for taking the time to comment.