I stopped speaking to my father due to the way he treats mom - unsure what to do

[free_radicals]

Long story, but I'll be brief and will follow up with responses to any questions. As far back as I can remember (I'm a 39 male), my father has always been controlling, manipulative, and jealous against mom. He's an alcoholic, and would be the type to yell and throw stuff when upset. He has cameras set up in home to monitor mom. Just all around very controlling. My mom tells me about arguments they would have, but doesn't want my father to know that I know. If he finds out that I know, he will get mad at mom. Of course, I get infuriated that I know all their problems, yet I can't say anything because mom is afraid. So dad puts on an innocent persona in front of me. Little does he know that I know what's going on behind the scenes. So about a year ago, I stopped talking to him in all forms because I just can't pretend everything is OK anymore. I'm working with a therapist on how to address this. But my main concern at this time is this: I'm having chest surgery out of state with about a week's worth of a hospital stay. Mom is coming, but wants dad to go as well. But I don't want him to due to our current situation. Is it too harsh for me barring him from coming? Or should I just put everything above aside and let him come see me recover as a family? 

[FMW]

Keep in mind you're only hearing your mom's side of the story.  I'm  not saying she's purposely misrepresenting the situation, but he may not be as bad as you think when it comes to what goes on between them when they're alone. Some couples just have more volatile styles.  She's  still with him and wants him to be with her to care for you.  

But it's your choice whether or not you have anything to do with him.

 

[d0nnivain]

Best wishes on your surgery.  

When you are feeling better start going to Al Anon meetings & encourage your mom to attend to.  That is a support group for the family of alcoholics.  You may also want to try a ACOA meeting, for the adult children of alcoholics.  

While I understand that you don't want dad around, if he doesn't come will mom stay home?  If it's a package deal, I'd try to put up with sober dad to be able to have post op love from mom.  While she's there, hopefully you can encourage her to go to Al-Anon.  In the end you have to recognize that their marriage is her choice.  Even if you think she can do better, do not isolate mom because you can't stand dad.  

[glows]

Would he even listen to you if you told him not to be there? It sounds like an exercise in futility. He does what he wants. The priority is going for this surgery and healing well. Whether either or both parents are there don’t make a big issue out of it and involve yourself less in your parents’ marriage. 

You do not need to be extra friendly with your father if you don’t get along but your life will resume after this surgery. Wishing you a speedy healing. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, free_radicals said:

Mom is coming, but wants dad to go as well. Is it too harsh for me barring him from coming?

Since you know he's an abuser don't put your mother at risk. Often abused women fear for their lives and you are making it much more difficult for her by forcing her hand against an abuser. Let her make the decision.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can have him come to your surgery---that's not an endorsement of his behavior.

To back up, it should be clear that your dad is violent and abusive--even if you're not there. So in your therapy, you need to retrain your brain and go back in your memories and identify the missed clues, the missed evidence that you just couldn't tap into as a kid.

You also need to be real about mom. There is something not quite healthy about mom dumping about dad to you, but in secret. Why doesn't mom leave the marriage? 

So slow down. There isn't a quick fix here. And there's something not quite right about mom hiding this info. Couples publicly criticize each other all the time. But mom's request that you be secret is extremely confusing. Is she saying your dad will hit her if he finds out she told? Or is she just saying he'll be angry? There's a huge difference between those two reactions. 

I'm going to be blunt. You mom needs to take action and get to domestic violence and support groups of all kinds and therapy. She needs to talk any faith leaders in her life. She needs to get into action. Absent that, it's irresponsible for her to dump this info on you and now you're trying to step in and be the hero. 

There is dysfunctional here beyond the alleged abuse. And seriously, in many violent and abusive households, kids get glimpses of the abuse. 

[ShyViolet]

If you feel that he's abusive and he's detrimental to your well-being, you should 100% bar him from coming.  There is nothing wrong with doing that.  Why on earth would you want an abusive person around you when you've just had surgery, adding to your stress?  That makes no sense.  You have the right to protect yourself from abusive people.  We are not obligated to maintain relationships with abusive, toxic people just because we are related to them.  That is absolutely ridiculous.

[spiderowl]

If your father is abusive and mean to you, you have every right to refuse to have him at the hospital with you.

I agree with another poster that you are only hearing one side of the story - your mum's side.  Do you have evidence, other than what your mum says, of your father's abusive behaviour?  You mention he has cameras to watch her, have you seen these?  Are they set up to watch your mum or for external use?

If you tell your mum you don't want dad to visit, then he could bring her along but staying outside in the car or in a cafe.  You should not have to put up with your parents' problems at a time when you are dealing with surgery.  I hope that all goes very well, by the way.

I am sorry you have been dealing with such a difficult situation.  It must be agonising to hear your mum's stories and not be able to help her.  You should not have to help her, by the way, she is an adult and is making her own choices about staying with an abusive alcoholic.  I do appreciate that getting out of such a situation is not easy and people tend to wait until they have no other option left, which means reporting the abusive partner or giving up their own home and security to get away.

I do feel, to a certain extent, that it is not fair of your mother to drag you into her problems.  Yes, he is your dad, but you are not responsible for him and you did not marry him.

Look after yourself here, put your own peace of mind first - it sounds like you've had quite a long time of trying to support your mum in this impossible situation.  It must make you feel very hurt and powerless.

Edited September 27, 2021 by spiderowl

[zouzd]

Hope you are feeling better and recovering fast, 

I am not accusing your mother of anything  but to ne logical and equidistant you are hearing one side of the story , you didnt hear his paryand believe shouldnt unless you have a hand in assisting to tesilve the issue s among them.

As i understood from you he is not abusive towardyou, so if u are not planing to assist them his relationship with your mom is none of your business.

Keep your relationshop with home good as long he is good to you .