my ex kissed another girl drunk multiple times

[emilycool]

my ex and i broke up a few months back but we still remained pretty close and hooked up often but we both always stayed loyal to each other but recently he kissed another girl drunk in a party several times and now i cant remove that from my head and cant act like nothing happened. its not cheating but its betrayal i feel hurt should i let go or try to make it even and do the same thing he did.

[elaine567]

You broke up. 
Stop keeping in contact and sleeping with him.
Why on earth are you doing that?
Find a new man.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let go of the idea of being friends. 

He is single, so he is going to kiss, date and have sex with other girls. It's time to let him go - really let him go.  He's moving on, and you need to do so too. 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, emilycool said:

 we still remained pretty close and hooked up often .

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? Why did you break up?

Why be FWB or hook up if someone breaks up with you?

There's no such thing as "loyal" after a breakup. You're both free to do whatever you want.

End it. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you aren't subjecting yourself to this nebulous nonsense.

Free yourself and start talking to and meeting guys who are interested in exclusive dating.

 

[Beachead]

Hey emilycool,

Sorry that you are feeling this.  Who broke it off?  Him or you?

In any case, you two are broken up.  It means there are no requirements to remain monogamous to eachother.  No more rules.  Eventually he will meet someone else, fall in love, and commit to them.  As will you.  Take it seriously or this is what will happen.

I know you feel betrayed but you are just experiencing the result of your mistake of remaining close to an ex, after a breakup.   People need space and time to disconnect and relearn how to be independent and happy on their own again.  Being genuine friends, where you can both actually be happy for the other if they meet someone new, takes time.  Even so, if he meets a new person and begins a relationship, that new person may not be cool with you around because you are a potential threat for their relationship life.  You may find the guy you once were in a relationship with, distance from you and maybe even cut you out.  I've done all this and I've suffered in the past for it and I'll tell you it's more trouble than its worth.  If I were you, I'd work on the idea that you two cannot be friends and its time to part ways and understand that it'll take time to work through that, should you do so.

- Beach

Edited September 4, 2021 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, emilycool said:

 its betrayal i feel hurt should i let go or try to make it even and do the same thing he did.

You should let HIM go.  He's your EX.   Emotions are tricky because while he's your EX on paper (you broke up), your continued interactions & all that hooking up made it feel like you were still together on some level.  You took that to mean you were still exclusive whereas the breakup means he can do whatever he wants.  

You will be less hurt if you disconnect.  Him kissing another woman is his 1st step toward fully disconnecting from you, something you don't want.  The last thing you need is a front row seat to him fully walking away from you.  So rather than sit there & watch him disappear, it's time for you to take action by severing this once & for all. 

Post break up "friendship" does not involve talking, hanging-out or hooking up.  Rather, it means nobody causes drama when your paths randomly cross in public.  

Go off.  Lick your wounds.  Grieve the full & final end to this interaction.  When you feel better, stronger get back out there.  In time he will be a distant memory.   

[Alpacalia]

Emotions do not respond well to "binge and purge."

Yes, it stings because you are still sensitive about some issues following the breakup.

Whether or not you kiss someone else is entirely up to you. Will you see your ex as nothing more than a tryst if you continue to sleep with him?  If you feel betrayed and hurt, then what does that tell you?

So be cautious and consider your options.

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, emilycool said:

my ex and i broke up a few months back

recently he kissed another girl drunk in a party several times

its not cheating but its betrayal i feel hurt 

You broke up.  Your are right... he is not cheating, but there is ZERO betrayal here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You are allowed to feel hurt, because you have not moved on.  But you are no longer a couple, and he ca do what he wants.  PERIOD.

[Stevnx3]

3 hours ago, emilycool said:

my ex and i broke up a few months back but we still remained pretty close and hooked up often but we both always stayed loyal to each other but recently he kissed another girl drunk in a party several times and now i cant remove that from my head and cant act like nothing happened. its not cheating but its betrayal i feel hurt should i let go or try to make it even and do the same thing he did.

Remaining close or not: You both are broken up. Loyalty is not expected in the sense of a relationship anymore. Regardless of how mutual your hookups have been since the fact.

I am sorry that you are hurting. It is time for you to move on. Find another person to be with or that wants to be with you. This type of thing always leads to hurt..

[glows]

4 hours ago, emilycool said:

my ex and i broke up a few months back but we still remained pretty close and hooked up often but we both always stayed loyal to each other but recently he kissed another girl drunk in a party several times and now i cant remove that from my head and cant act like nothing happened. its not cheating but its betrayal i feel hurt should i let go or try to make it even and do the same thing he did.

What was the reason for the break up and why did you stay loyal or keep in touch? 

Hit pause for a moment. Don’t do anything out of vengeance. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you never really broke up in the first place, frankly. You both placed yourself in a sort of limbo where you're "broken up" but still FWBs ("loyal" ones to boot at least as far as you were concerned) AND clearly with some significant leftover feelings involved. It's hard to think of a scenario where one would be more likely to get hurt. Were one or both of you perhaps hoping to be back together eventually?

Anyhow, from what I understand FWBs tend to involve very limited feelings to head off jealousy and actual polyamory requires a lot of "rules", as well as a lot of maturity, and even with those things, there tends to be a big risk of it causing problems. These things tend to very much NOT be the free-for-alls they can appear to be from the outside.

Since you're clearly hurt, I'd suggest you walk away from this (the friendship too, unless you can handle the baggage) and start fresh, keeping the lessons learned here firmly in mind. No need for "revenge" he didn't break any of the "rules" you set down for each other. However, one can learn quite a lot from one's own mistakes and the approach you (both) were trying to take here clearly didn't work for you.

Edited September 4, 2021 by mark clemson