Second chances or no looking back?

[Classicfiction]

Hey guys,

Just wondering tonight whats the best policy for personal mental health in dating... what works for you?

Do you think in some cases, its worth revisiting a relationship and giving another chance to see if things work after time being apart?  Or do you generally just accept when something doesn't work the first time and keep moving forward?

I have been someone who gives lots of chances to see if something works in the past.  Probably too much I think.  Something tells me, a person could gain a healthy kind of momentum by continuing on a forward path.

Basically it occurred to me today that acceptance of something not working out can move you closer to the person you ARE supposed to be with.

What do you think?

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

What do you think?

I’ve generally been one to move forward without looking back. Probably because the time I kept giving chances was a disaster and I learned from the experience.

[Alpacalia]

If you give someone a 2nd chance at the detriment of your own well-being then you definitely shouldn't.

Edited September 6, 2021 by Alpaca

[Classicfiction]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve generally been one to move forward without looking back. Probably because the time I kept giving chances was a disaster and I learned from the experience.

So does it feel pretty easy for you to accept and move on?  I guess Im kinda clingy now that I look at things lol.  I'm hoping it gets easier to let go

[divegrl]

Second chances are ok, only after a significant amount of time apart (years).

 

No second chances for recent break ups, as you need time to heal and grow. 
 

Wishing you the best. 

[glows]

I don’t look back once I start moving on in the sense that I want to be with an ex again. I’m not able to revisit or see the person in the same way (attraction is lost). I’ve never dated an ex or reconciled. 

Mind you, of course nostalgia and memories are not out of the ordinary. I remember old times with fondness, the good times, but the person is entirely changed or how I view them can’t be reversed. I also look back in fondness of particular memories like places with a lot of meaning. 

It feels really good living in the present or for the future. I’d take the wild uncertainty any day over pages of a closed chapter.

[Classicfiction]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t look back once I start moving on in the sense that I want to be with an ex again. I’m not able to revisit or see the person in the same way (attraction is lost). I’ve never dated an ex or reconciled. 

Mind you, of course nostalgia and memories are not out of the ordinary. I remember old times with fondness, the good times, but the person is entirely changed or how I view them can’t be reversed. I also look back in fondness of particular memories like places with a lot of meaning. 

It feels really good living in the present or for the future. I’d take the wild uncertainty any day over pages of a closed chapter.

I think this is where I'd like to be as far as my mentality with dating in general.  The only reason I could see revisiting a relationship would be if I thought both of us had grown quite a bit.

But yeah, doing the break up then get back together then break up again thing seems like a waste of time and emotional energy.  

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I think this is where I'd like to be as far as my mentality with dating in general.  The only reason I could see revisiting a relationship would be if I thought both of us had grown quite a bit.

But yeah, doing the break up then get back together then break up again thing seems like a waste of time and emotional energy.  

Is it one person you are thinking of or several? It would be good to revisit the reasons for breaking up. I tried to listen and feel again what I used to feel but was unable with my ex. Since we were married I did try. For the life of me, I just could not look at him the same way again. And each moment that passed he grew less and less important in so many ways. I’ve learned to pay attention to the lessons and what went wrong the first time. They usually are imprinted and burned into my memory. Whether I like it or not I can’t seem to move backwards.

Also, if you are still in contact with this person you might be finding it hard to move past this. 

 

[d0nnivain]

It depends.  If the people involved need time to grow up trying again years later may have merit,   Taking a "break" for a few weeks fixes nothing.  

[Blind-Sided]

The quick and dirty answer is... Don't look back... No second chance.

I know that sounds cold, but there is a reason you broke up.  So, if you get back together... then that same reason will come back into the light.   The way I see it is... any adult... even when mad... should be able to sit and talk about whatever the issue is.  I know there are a bunch of one sided break-up's... and the person who didn't want to break up may want to get back together... but the realty is... on that side... how do you ever really trust that person again?  They already have a track record of bailing out whenever they don't get what they want... and you will just get hurt again. 

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is one of those cases where your language frames the issue wrong.

You don't want to give someone a "second chance" in the way you're saying--which assumes this is just some intellectual decision. 

On the contrary, if you break up with someone and are on the verge of breaking up, you can continue if the person really fixes the problem and makes an adjustment that deeply reassures you.

You sound like you're thinking of calling an ex out of the blue to randomly try again. That's hopeless. And oh, people do NOT appreciate second chances. They really don't. They generally see second chances as evidence that they (the offending partner) don't need to change. They just need to pretend to change--for a short while. 

 

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Andy_K]

There's no simple answer to this one, it all depends on context. Sometimes giving someone another chance is an obvious waste of time and energy, other times there can be valid reasons why the two of you might not fall to the same mistakes that happened first time around. 

[Runninggirl]

I think it depends on what kind of person you are. Some people can leave and not look back, and others need to revisit the idea, give it the extra chance, feel like they've done everything, to be able to walk away wholeheartedly. I am like that, and I don't think its anything wrong with that. Not everything needs to be the quick next step. Just because it doesn't work out the second time, doesn't mean it wasn't worth the shot, sometimes just for your own peace of mind or confirmation, to fully move on. 

[Classicfiction]

 

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I think it depends on what kind of person you are. Some people can leave and not look back, and others need to revisit the idea, give it the extra chance, feel like they've done everything, to be able to walk away wholeheartedly. I am like that, and I don't think its anything wrong with that. Not everything needs to be the quick next step. Just because it doesn't work out the second time, doesn't mean it wasn't worth the shot, sometimes just for your own peace of mind or confirmation, to fully move on. 

This is probably the most similar to how Ive worked through things.  But I do think that on several occasions it has really done a number on my self esteem and stability.  Maybe one too many attempts and ignoring red flags.

[glows]

49 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

 

This is probably the most similar to how Ive worked through things.  But I do think that on several occasions it has really done a number on my self esteem and stability.  Maybe one too many attempts and ignoring red flags.

If you’re aware now you are also able to change. It’s a good thing. 

[Classicfiction]

Yeah the last "try again" really drained the crap out of my energy and was absolutely detrimental to my sanity.  So I would say, just keep moving.  That's where Im at today with this.