Desperately want to forget him

[Theeisor]

I’ll likely be all over the place with this. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread and it’s not the first time. I’ve been trying to let this go for some time. I’ve been good with the NC before (many times) but somehow I stupidly get drawn back in. A lot of it is my fault because I’m usually the one to reach out. It’s been 6 years of a roller coaster and I’m so desperate to stop this once and for all. I read from some of the folks here that posting helps so I’m here to do just that. 
We ended it about a month in a half ago and I was doing good with NC. I had too much to drink Saturday night and reached out. Everything was telling me not to but I did anyway and the feeling of remorse is weighing heavy on me. He didn’t reply and I suspected he wouldn’t. He’s good at resisting, I’m not. I woke up this morning and told myself this has to be it. I can’t keep doing this. It’s like I know what has to be done. I know how to do it and I know that I could but I can’t explain why I fall into this sad desperation of wanting to reach out. I always regret it and I feel so bad about myself after because I know I have set myself back. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much about it because I know I’m going through the motions and I’m only human but I hate having to start over again with NC. 
I read these boards often and I get it all, I really do. I just want to be free of this and I’m hoping posting and being honest about it will help. 

[BaileyB]

Welcome.

I think the key is to find something to distract you and help you to cope with those moments when you are tempted to reach out. Posting here, journaling, going for a walk, calling a friend, making a list of reasons why you don’t want to stay on this rollercoaster…

Have you done anything like this and/or had any counselling to help you leave this relationship behind…

[Theeisor]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Welcome.

I think the key is to find something to distract you and help you to cope with those moments when you are tempted to reach out. Posting here, journaling, going for a walk, calling a friend, making a list of reasons why you don’t want to stay on this rollercoaster…

Have you done anything like this and/or had any counselling to help you leave this relationship behind…

Thank you. I have not seeked any counseling and perhaps that should be my next step. I’ve thought about it but I’m fairly certain my insurance doesn’t cover it. I feel overwhelmed at times on how much I have to unpack and maybe I’m just to scared to go there? Maybe that’s the answer. The sad part is that right now, I’m convinced he doesn’t give two shits about me and here I am trying to sort this out in such a desperate way. What I need to do is find a way to “forget what he might be feeling” and focus just on me. See, I know that and what I need to do but my head and heart don’t seem to agree and i get so lost in rumination and getting that one hit of him. It’s an addiction for sure and this is not the life I want for myself. 

[BaileyB]

When your head and your heart are conflicting, always use your head. 

If counselling is not an option, keep posting. There are many people on this site who have stood in the very spot you are standing right now… lots of wisdom and experience here. Better than counselling, perhaps.

[Theeisor]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

When your head and your heart are conflicting, always use your head. 

If counselling is not an option, keep posting. There are many people on this site who have stood in the very spot you are standing right now… lots of wisdom and experience here. Better than counselling, perhaps.

Thank you so much. That is the hope; that posting here will help. I’ve read a lot here and I know there’s many who have gone through this and we’re able to break free. I admire it and I want to get there. 

[BaileyB]

As for your title, you can’t, and you shouldn’t forget him. 

You can let him go.

We are all the sum of the experiences we have in this life. He is in your life because he has something to teach you, and you have something to learn from this experience. And as such, you shouldn’t forget him. You should be grateful for him. 

I would suggest that this is your opportunity to learn to do exactly as you say above - to focus on yourself, to learn to value yourself enough to make better choices for yourself in the future. There is strength and wisdom to be gained from this experience. From this relationship, you can learn what you truly value in a partner and what you will never accept again from a man in the future. 

Like I said, if you consider this relationship an opportunity to learn more about yourself, relationships, and life it may actually set you up to find happiness and love in the future. But only if you do the work and learn the lessons…

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

31 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I woke up this morning and told myself this has to be it. I can’t keep doing this. It’s like I know what has to be done. I know how to do it and I know that I could but I can’t explain why I fall into this sad desperation of wanting to reach out.

From my experience, it is one thing to cognitively "get it" but another to resolve the emotions that are driving your impulses. 

You say you know what to do, and I believe you, but until you understand what is happening below the surface that is driving your compulsion to act against your will, you will be in struggle to change your behavior. 

Imo, trying implement what you've cognitively learned before addressing the emotions fueling the compulsion is like putting a band-aid on the wound without actually treating and healing the wound.

So, serious question, what are your underlying emotions and beliefs that are fueling your compulsion?

Here are some ideas, but you'll have to sit with yourself for a long quiet moment to reflect on what is your personal truth...

Fear of:

- abandonment

- not being good enough

- not being loved

- finding someone better

- intimacy

- commitment

...and so on. Take some uninterrupted time to reflect and journal your responses. You might have a breakthrough that will resolve your compulsion. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

Welcome to LS... So many here understand the struggle. NC is difficult and painful 😣 and yet logically, it’s the only way that makes sense.

First, don’t beat yourself up over the slipped text. Try to remember that his lack of response is probably not an accurate reflection of his feelings. You said it yourself, he’s just better at resisting. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

I also agree that counseling might really help you here. It’s scary to unpack the ugly stuff but you have the potential to come out a better, stronger, more genuine and authentic person.

Post here as much as you need to get through. I’m on 8 months of NC and I post here nearly every month! Haha. I stillll need the support and encouragement and motivation from LS, in addition to weekly therapy, daily exercise, consistent journaling, reading, pursuing safe female friendships... etc.

I know it’s hard as hell in the beginning, but if you can stick to it, it won’t always feel like this.

Good luck! ❤️

[HadMeOverABarrel]

32 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you. I have not seeked any counseling and perhaps that should be my next step. I’ve thought about it but I’m fairly certain my insurance doesn’t cover it. I feel overwhelmed at times on how much I have to unpack and maybe I’m just to scared to go there? Maybe that’s the answer. The sad part is that right now, I’m convinced he doesn’t give two shits about me and here I am trying to sort this out in such a desperate way. What I need to do is find a way to “forget what he might be feeling” and focus just on me. See, I know that and what I need to do but my head and heart don’t seem to agree and i get so lost in rumination and getting that one hit of him. It’s an addiction for sure and this is not the life I want for myself. 

What you're describing here is a codependent tendency to focus on someone else to avoid your own pain. You are quite correct in your assessment. You deserve a lot of credit for figuring this out on your own. Well done!

Therapy would be good for you, but in the meantime, study up on codependency through online videos, blogs, and books. 

[Theeisor]

8 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

From my experience, it is one thing to cognitively "get it" but another to resolve the emotions that are driving your impulses. 

You say you know what to do, and I believe you, but until you understand what is happening below the surface that is driving your compulsion to act against your will, you will be in struggle to change your behavior. 

Imo, trying implement what you've cognitively learned before addressing the emotions fueling the compulsion is like putting a band-aid on the wound without actually treating and healing the wound.

So, serious question, what are your underlying emotions and beliefs that are fueling your compulsion?

Here are some ideas, but you'll have to sit with yourself for a long quiet moment to reflect on what is your personal truth...

Fear of:

- abandonment

- not being good enough

- not being loved

- finding someone better

- intimacy

- commitment

...and so on. Take some uninterrupted time to reflect and journal your responses. You might have a breakthrough that will resolve your compulsion. 

Gah. I couldn’t get through half of your reply without choking up. This is the kind of work I know I have to do. Life sure is funny. You fall into these relationships because life is somehow beating you up and you find something/someone that distracts and gives you all those renewed feelings hope and happiness but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Here I am having to dig deeper than I ever have had to. My thought process for a very long time was that it was “right” and I feel this way about him for a reason so I suppose changing that perspective is a step towards recovering from this. Sure it was a short term fix in what I was dealing with at the time but the aftermath is just too much. 

[Theeisor]

23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As for your title, you can’t, and you shouldn’t forget him. 

You can let him go.

We are all the sum of the experiences we have in this life. He is in your life because he has something to teach you, and you have something to learn from this experience. And as such, you shouldn’t forget him. You should be grateful for him. 

I would suggest that this is your opportunity to learn to do exactly as you say above - to focus on yourself, to learn to value yourself enough to make better choices for yourself in the future. There is strength and wisdom to be gained from this experience. From this relationship, you can learn what you truly value in a partner and what you will never accept again from a man in the future. 

Like I said, if you consider this relationship an opportunity to learn more about yourself, relationships, and life it may actually set you up to find happiness and love in the future. But only if you do the work and learn the lessons…

 

You are correct. I suppose what I mean in wanting to forget him is wanting to not want him anymore. My heart of hearts knows that this experience will make me a better person in the long run and it has since taught me SO much. It’s persuaded me to be better even though I’m dying inside. It’s just moments like I had this past weekend where I weakened a d reached out where I feel such a sinking regret. I won’t lie, a part of me feels like I gave him an ego boost and lost my control over it. The ego is a strange fella. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, Theeisor said:

Gah. I couldn’t get through half of your reply without choking up. This is the kind of work I know I have to do. Life sure is funny. You fall into these relationships because life is somehow beating you up and you find something/someone that distracts and gives you all those renewed feelings hope and happiness but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Here I am having to dig deeper than I ever have had to. My thought process for a very long time was that it was “right” and I feel this way about him for a reason so I suppose changing that perspective is a step towards recovering from this. Sure it was a short term fix in what I was dealing with at the time but the aftermath is just too much. 

It is difficult to confront all the painful stuff we are trying to avoid. Our subconscious screams, "DANGER don't go there!" but go there we must if we want to heal it and fully recover. Feel it to heal it. 

The aftermath is actually all the painful stuff from your past that you've been avoiding, not just from ending this affair. The affair just reopened the wound so you can now effectively heal it. 

Every time we find ourselves in such a painful situation, it's like our subconscious is asking us, "Are you ready to heal your wounds this time?" If we answer yes, our next step is to prepare ourselves for 'the work.' If we answer no, we repeat past patterns that repeat pain for a new opportunity for our subconscious to ask again, "Are you ready to heal your wounds this time?"

Life presents lessons. Lessons are repeated until learned. Do the work this time. Although it's not easy, you are worth it. 

Hugs and wishing you well!

[Theeisor]

I didn’t mention that I am married as well. 18 years this year. There’s a lot going on there as well and when I started my affair, my husband and I were on the brink of separation. He’s no angel and I’ve been through the ringer with him in our early days. I’m not making excuses as to why I had the affair but I was drowning in resentment and needed something. I know, it was a bad choice but I can’t do anything about it now. My husband has changed a lot and treats much differently than he used to. I did tell him some of that I did but I chopped it down dramatically in an effort not to hurt him. 
 

Again, so much to unpack 😢

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Theeisor said:

It’s just moments like I had this past weekend where I weakened a d reached out where I feel such a sinking regret. I won’t lie, a part of me feels like I gave him an ego boost and lost my control over it.

I agree. What can you take from this experience though. Did it strengthen your resolve to stay NC and did it bring you to post on this site? If that’s true, you gained from this slip - nothing to regret there. 

10 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I feel this way about him for a reason

Very true. As was said above - your job now is to figure out why. What did he offer you that made you chose and stay in an unhealthy relationship - was it an escape from the stress of life or pain of another relationship? Did he give you attention and affection that you have never felt before - in a relationship, with your father, for yourself? Do you cling to him because you’ve been hurt and abandoned by another man in your past? Only you have the answers. As was said above so wisely, find the problem and you can begin to work on finding a healthier solution. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I didn’t mention that I am married as well. 18 years this year. There’s a lot going on there as well and when I started my affair, my husband and I were on the brink of separation. He’s no angel and I’ve been through the ringer with him in our early days. I’m not making excuses as to why I had the affair but I was drowning in resentment and needed something. I know, it was a bad choice but I can’t do anything about it now. My husband has changed a lot and treats much differently than he used to. I did tell him some of that I did but I chopped it down dramatically in an effort not to hurt him. 

If I had a quarter for every married woman on this site who chose the affection of an affair partner as a way of coping with her unhappy marriage… You are not alone. That said, it goes without saying that the answer to your unhappy marriage can not be found in another relationship. 

Counselling would really help you to either heal your marriage or make the decision to divorce.

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Theeisor]

47 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If I had a quarter for every married woman on this site who chose the affection of an affair partner as a way of coping with her unhappy marriage… You are not alone. That said, it goes without saying that the answer to your unhappy marriage can not be found in another relationship. 

Counselling would really help you to either heal your marriage or make the decision to divorce.

Well, if I could go back and walk away when I should have, I would. There were many times that I have called it off and would go NC. The longest was 4.5 months. I should have stuck with it and did the work then. I didn’t though. As crazy as it sounds, it’s boards like this and experiences that are posted here that pretty much spell out the inevitable but you’re so deep in your own “story” that it’s hard to view it objectively. At least for me it was. 
I agree on the counseling. I really feel like I need it. For now, I’m going to do literally everything that has been suggested. I had a bad habit of checking his social media but I’m stopping that. 

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I agree. What can you take from this experience though. Did it strengthen your resolve to stay NC and did it bring you to post on this site? If that’s true, you gained from this slip - nothing to regret there. 

Very true. As was said above - your job now is to figure out why. What did he offer you that made you chose and stay in an unhealthy relationship - was it an escape from the stress of life or pain of another relationship? Did he give you attention and affection that you have never felt before - in a relationship, with your father, for yourself? Do you cling to him because you’ve been hurt and abandoned by another man in your past? Only you have the answers. As was said above so wisely, find the problem and you can begin to work on finding a healthier solution. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. All of these questions are valid and need to be addressed. I wish I could say he gave me something that was special and unique but I can’t. Sometimes I think it was just validation. He’s very good looking and charming and maybe I felt lucky he was interested in me? I don’t know but I have certainly questioned my sanity in why I seek him out knowing it will always end the same. Intermittent reinforcement was a huge draw, that’s for sure. 

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Welcome to LS... So many here understand the struggle. NC is difficult and painful 😣 and yet logically, it’s the only way that makes sense.

First, don’t beat yourself up over the slipped text. Try to remember that his lack of response is probably not an accurate reflection of his feelings. You said it yourself, he’s just better at resisting. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

I also agree that counseling might really help you here. It’s scary to unpack the ugly stuff but you have the potential to come out a better, stronger, more genuine and authentic person.

Post here as much as you need to get through. I’m on 8 months of NC and I post here nearly every month! Haha. I stillll need the support and encouragement and motivation from LS, in addition to weekly therapy, daily exercise, consistent journaling, reading, pursuing safe female friendships... etc.

I know it’s hard as hell in the beginning, but if you can stick to it, it won’t always feel like this.

Good luck! ❤️

Thank you. I can’t wait to get to 8 months. I would have been really close to that had I not reached out this last breakup. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get me back. I’ve been so lost and confused for so long. This is not the way I want to live my life. Once I’m in a good place of NC, I feel free and not so consumed by it. How stupid could I be to take that all back and put myself back to square one just because I can’t resist in reaching out? Ugh. I know beating myself about it isn’t going to help but I can’t help but to think this way right now. I feel I have to address all the ugly in order to really get to where I want to get. 

[Coasting1991]

Not sure if someone else posted this, but maybe also avoid alcohol in the meantime. Not saying you have an issue with alcohol itself, but it definitely lowers inhibitions and makes it easier to send that text you otherwise wouldn't if you were sober

[Theeisor]

9 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said:

Not sure if someone else posted this, but maybe also avoid alcohol in the meantime. Not saying you have an issue with alcohol itself, but it definitely lowers inhibitions and makes it easier to send that text you otherwise wouldn't if you were sober

Ah, yes. Alcohol had much to do with it. I’ve made some really bad decisions in the last because of it and I know it has a lot to do with it. I’m not sure if I have a problem with it but alcoholism runs in my family and I’ve had my fair share of thoughts on whether it is or isn’t a problem. 

[Runninggirl]

NC is the only thing that really helps. For me it would be impossible to stay in NC "just for myself", so I would tell myself that by contacting him I was just ruining my chances. That the only real option was NC no matter the outcome. To be honest it often help to listen to dating coaches online, especially Coach Lee, just because it was comforting and helped me stay in NC. For me it was always my ex reaching out eventually. NC did help, but didnt always feel like it. 

[Theeisor]

22 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

NC is the only thing that really helps. For me it would be impossible to stay in NC "just for myself", so I would tell myself that by contacting him I was just ruining my chances. That the only real option was NC no matter the outcome. To be honest it often help to listen to dating coaches online, especially Coach Lee, just because it was comforting and helped me stay in NC. For me it was always my ex reaching out eventually. NC did help, but didnt always feel like it. 

Thank you for your comment. I don’t think there’s a shot in holy h*** that I would ever want to entertain the relationship again. I had a moment of weakness and I touched the hot stove and I got burned. Even when we’re good, the relationship just never seemed right. He’s a terrible communicator and that was largely the problem. I always felt like I was the problem because I wanted just a little bit more and that made me feel needy and inpatient and everything always went downhill because of that. I don’t know… Maybe because of the nature of the relationship I couldn’t get more but deep down inside I knew I deserved more. 

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, Theeisor said:

I’ll likely be all over the place with this. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread and it’s not the first time. I’ve been trying to let this go for some time. I’ve been good with the NC before (many times) but somehow I stupidly get drawn back in. A lot of it is my fault because I’m usually the one to reach out. It’s been 6 years of a roller coaster and I’m so desperate to stop this once and for all. I read from some of the folks here that posting helps so I’m here to do just that. 
We ended it about a month in a half ago and I was doing good with NC. I had too much to drink Saturday night and reached out. Everything was telling me not to but I did anyway and the feeling of remorse is weighing heavy on me. He didn’t reply and I suspected he wouldn’t. He’s good at resisting, I’m not. I woke up this morning and told myself this has to be it. I can’t keep doing this. It’s like I know what has to be done. I know how to do it and I know that I could but I can’t explain why I fall into this sad desperation of wanting to reach out. I always regret it and I feel so bad about myself after because I know I have set myself back. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much about it because I know I’m going through the motions and I’m only human but I hate having to start over again with NC. 
I read these boards often and I get it all, I really do. I just want to be free of this and I’m hoping posting and being honest about it will help. 

Hi. I’m glad you made it here to read. I’m pretty new here myself and am having the same struggles with continuing to  get sucked back into something that's not healthy for me and has no future. For me it’s been 14 months. 14 months to long in my opinion. I realized one thing it’s very easy to say go NC, block and so forth much easier to say then do and stick with. I'm right there with you girly and am trying to get back to forgetting however I can and not reaching out. I am not the best with advice at the moment nor the best example of advice but I do completely understand. I think it's important for you to really ask yourself this.  "Where do you see this leading"? "What outcome do you expect or desire"? Then reflect back to all that has transpired. I firmly believe we eventually find answers weeding through stuff then we can find a freeing conclusion.  I did start this thread not long ago. A place to rant at your MM or OW and it has been beneficial even though I have fallen flat on my face recently.  I will be heading back to that thread to express... I need to be free too.  xx  

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Myabee

[spiderowl]

You know, OP, I think most of us do this at some part, when we are feeling weak, drunk, lonely or whatever.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.  You know what you need to do and it will get easier with time.  It's just that awful stage where we still feel 'entangled' with the other person in some way.  The tangles fall off gradually over a period of time, not usually all at once.

[Theeisor]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Hi. I’m glad you made it here to read. I’m pretty new here myself and am having the same struggles with continuing to  get sucked back into something that's not healthy for me and has no future. For me it’s been 14 months. 14 months to long in my opinion. I realized one thing it’s very easy to say go NC, block and so forth much easier to say then do and stick with. I'm right there with you girly and am trying to get back to forgetting however I can and not reaching out. I am not the best with advice at the moment nor the best example of advice but I do completely understand. I think it's important for you to really ask yourself this.  "Where do you see this leading"? "What outcome do you expect or desire"? Then reflect back to all that has transpired. I firmly believe we eventually find answers weeding through stuff then we can find a freeing conclusion.  I did start this thread not long ago. A place to rant at your MM or OW and it has been beneficial even though I have fallen flat on my face recently.  I will be heading back to that thread to express... I need to be free too.  xx  

 

Thank you!! If you think 14 months was way too long then you will certainly will not be happy after another 14 months or longer. I was following your thread and it’s posts like yours that inspires me to put it all out there. All the thoughts and feelings you have/had, I was there. I very clearly remember knowing and telling myself that it wasn’t healthy but any “hit” of them tends to quiet those thoughts down. For me, it became a vicious cycle and it went on too embarrassingly long. Thank you for the link!!!