Desperately want to forget him

[Theeisor]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

You know, OP, I think most of us do this at some part, when we are feeling weak, drunk, lonely or whatever.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.  You know what you need to do and it will get easier with time.  It's just that awful stage where we still feel 'entangled' with the other person in some way.  The tangles fall off gradually over a period of time, not usually all at once.

Thank you. I know that it’s now all in my hands and I have to be the one to do the work to be free of this. The very thing you are telling me is the very thing I would tell a friend or sister if they were in my shoes. It’s always easier said than done but it’s all the same truth. This icky feeling of regret is what’s really going to prevent me from EVER reaching out again. It’s all too much for me and it was purely innocent. There were no words of wanting him back or anything negative towards him or the situation. It was just contact. Feels worse that he ignored me but I expected it. Onward and upward 😑

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you!! If you think 14 months was way too long then you will certainly will not be happy after another 14 months or longer. I was following your thread and it’s posts like yours that inspires me to put it all out there. All the thoughts and feelings you have/had, I was there. I very clearly remember knowing and telling myself that it wasn’t healthy but any “hit” of them tends to quiet those thoughts down. For me, it became a vicious cycle and it went on too embarrassingly long. Thank you for the link!!! 

I'm so glad  I Inspired you to post. I do get it and yes it's that "hit" that little something that can shake the apple cart quick. So quick that all of our healthy reasoning for walking away seems to vanish as fast as a lightning strike. And thats when we need to strike back and say... "What am I doing"??? "What is this"?? It's tough. Keep reading and posting. xx  

Edited September 7, 2021 by Myabee

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Theeisor said:

 I’m not sure if I have a problem with it but alcoholism runs in my family 

The best thing you can do, whether it's getting over the affair or addressing your bad marriage is to get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

You may already have alcohol related problems or masked mental health issues.

See if alcohol is a problem for you:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

[BlindsidedTwice]

18 hours ago, Theeisor said:

How stupid could I be to take that all back and put myself back to square one just because I can’t resist in reaching out?

Just a gentle reminder that you’re not really back at square one. Yes, technically, you had to start “NC day one” over again, but you’ve had practice now! You’ve done this before. You really just took a small step back.

Get back on the wagon and keep moving forward! You can do this!! 🙌

[Theeisor]

27 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Just a gentle reminder that you’re not really back at square one. Yes, technically, you had to start “NC day one” over again, but you’ve had practice now! You’ve done this before. You really just took a small step back.

Get back on the wagon and keep moving forward! You can do this!! 🙌

Thank you for your encouragement. You’re right though. I have to move forward and seriously, I’m only human and it/he meant something to me. It shouldn’t matter that I broke NC. I think because he’s so good at ignoring, it only makes me feel like I never mattered and that might be the reason why I feel awful about it. I’m trying really hard to be kind to myself about it. My first thoughts this morning were a bunch of “what if’s” and I lingered there for a bit but I had to talk myself down from the good what if’s to the bad what if’s. The situation could have been much worse. I ruminate more than I should and have to learn how to stop. I have to keep reminding myself that it was all just a fantasy and nothing was real about it. Apologies on my rant here….. It’s my way of getting these thoughts out of my head. 

[Theeisor]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do, whether it's getting over the affair or addressing your bad marriage is to get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

You may already have alcohol related problems or masked mental health issues.

See if alcohol is a problem for you:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Thank you. As hard it is to admit that there really is some masked mental health issues, I’m starting to believe that maybe this is true. I’ve always thought of myself as rational and pretty level headed but this situation has really made me question my choices and pretty much my sanity. I know there’s something that needs to be addressed with the alcohol. I’m actually going to seek out something that could help today. I have to do EVERYTHING i can to fix this! 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Theeisor

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you for your encouragement. You’re right though. I have to move forward and seriously, I’m only human and it/he meant something to me. It shouldn’t matter that I broke NC. I think because he’s so good at ignoring, it only makes me feel like I never mattered and that might be the reason why I feel awful about it. I’m trying really hard to be kind to myself about it. My first thoughts this morning were a bunch of “what if’s” and I lingered there for a bit but I had to talk myself down from the good what if’s to the bad what if’s. The situation could have been much worse. I ruminate more than I should and have to learn how to stop. I have to keep reminding myself that it was all just a fantasy and nothing was real about it. Apologies on my rant here….. It’s my way of getting these thoughts out of my head. 

Try ranting at him on my NC thread. I did that this morning. Helped a ton. xx 

[Stevnx3]

21 hours ago, Theeisor said:

I’ll likely be all over the place with this. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread and it’s not the first time. I’ve been trying to let this go for some time. I’ve been good with the NC before (many times) but somehow I stupidly get drawn back in. A lot of it is my fault because I’m usually the one to reach out. It’s been 6 years of a roller coaster and I’m so desperate to stop this once and for all. I read from some of the folks here that posting helps so I’m here to do just that. 
We ended it about a month in a half ago and I was doing good with NC. I had too much to drink Saturday night and reached out. Everything was telling me not to but I did anyway and the feeling of remorse is weighing heavy on me. He didn’t reply and I suspected he wouldn’t. He’s good at resisting, I’m not. I woke up this morning and told myself this has to be it. I can’t keep doing this. It’s like I know what has to be done. I know how to do it and I know that I could but I can’t explain why I fall into this sad desperation of wanting to reach out. I always regret it and I feel so bad about myself after because I know I have set myself back. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much about it because I know I’m going through the motions and I’m only human but I hate having to start over again with NC. 
I read these boards often and I get it all, I really do. I just want to be free of this and I’m hoping posting and being honest about it will help. 

Theeisor, 

Welcome! Although the circumstances aren't good for you. It takes courage to talk about this type of thing. 

I'd say cut the drinking out. It is a gateway to allow for emotions to come out and inhibits your ability to control yourself. Start there.

The man has more control? He doesn't respond? Sounds totally over for him. The thing with NC: It doesn't make you feel better. NC only purpose is to get over someone, similar to going without a drug cold turkey. 

This is an excellent time for you to work on yourself. To do some of the things you may have wanted to do(within limits of whatever is going on in the world). 

NC coupled with being a bit active and working on yourself, makes it stronger and you heal stronger.  

So...

• Cut the drinking back. It opens up moments of weakness with little self- control.
• Make a list of things that you want to do or that may occupy your time. 

Definitely do not beat yourself up. You, like so many of us, are only human. It will be an up and down rollercoaster. Just stay strong and get up as many times as you need to.

[Theeisor]

6 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Theeisor, 

Welcome! Although the circumstances aren't good for you. It takes courage to talk about this type of thing. 

I'd say cut the drinking out. It is a gateway to allow for emotions to come out and inhibits your ability to control yourself. Start there.

The man has more control? He doesn't respond? Sounds totally over for him. The thing with NC: It doesn't make you feel better. NC only purpose is to get over someone, similar to going without a drug cold turkey. 

This is an excellent time for you to work on yourself. To do some of the things you may have wanted to do(within limits of whatever is going on in the world). 

NC coupled with being a bit active and working on yourself, makes it stronger and you heal stronger.  

So...

• Cut the drinking back. It opens up moments of weakness with little self- control.
• Make a list of things that you want to do or that may occupy your time. 

Definitely do not beat yourself up. You, like so many of us, are only human. It will be an up and down rollercoaster. Just stay strong and get up as many times as you need to.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have to admit that what you stated “sounds totally over for him” stung and rightfully so. This is what I need to hear though. We’ve called it quits so many times but there was always that feeling that I would cling to that it really wasn’t over. NOW I have to really accept that it is. I have to remember also that despite his ability to ignore me and the perceived power I might have given him, he’s also only human too and was likely more than tired of the roller coaster as well. Truth of the matter is that he was way better at compartmentalizing than I was and viewed this as fun and a distraction whilst I was more intense and felt like this was “something” and this something had to be addressed. I just wasn’t cut out for it. 

[Stevnx3]

18 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have to admit that what you stated “sounds totally over for him” stung and rightfully so. This is what I need to hear though. We’ve called it quits so many times but there was always that feeling that I would cling to that it really wasn’t over. NOW I have to really accept that it is. I have to remember also that despite his ability to ignore me and the perceived power I might have given him, he’s also only human too and was likely more than tired of the roller coaster as well. Truth of the matter is that he was way better at compartmentalizing than I was and viewed this as fun and a distraction whilst I was more intense and felt like this was “something” and this something had to be addressed. I just wasn’t cut out for it. 

I can honestly see where calling it quits over and over would have you left thinking that he may come back. We go by a "history of things." That was the case. It needs to be. I think it speaks volumes, if he saw it as a fun thing. You were wanting more, this does not seem to be the case. 

Does he have a habit of coming back around, if / when he wants... "more" from you?

[Theeisor]

12 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

I can honestly see where calling it quits over and over would have you left thinking that he may come back. We go by a "history of things." That was the case. It needs to be. I think it speaks volumes, if he saw it as a fun thing. You were wanting more, this does not seem to be the case. 

Does he have a habit of coming back around, if / when he wants... "more" from you?

It was mostly me that would reach out after a break but he would also in a passive way. He would view my LinkedIn account or email me an emoji. Part of me feels like this last break up was because of his passiveness when contacting me. It really was all because I felt like he was just testing me to see if I would reply and that upset me and I was just done with that. 

[Stevnx3]

11 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

He would view my LinkedIn account or email me an emoji.

That makes it much MUCH harder to get over him. For sure, he knows what he is doing with this. The email.. an emoji. He knows what it will do to you.

Perhaps, if there is a way.. I'd remove his ability to do do. 

13 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Part of me feels like this last break up was because of his passiveness when contacting me. It really was all because I felt like he was just testing me to see if I would reply and that upset me and I was just done with that. 

I can see this. Nothing will change. He will continue to do what works. Yes.. He is testing the waters to see if you will respond, as he doesn't sound like he has the guts to just outright talk/email/text. Again, doubt that will change.

It won't change. Keep that in mind. If you don't like his passive and testing nature, stay the course of being broken up. 

You can move on. You can find better!

[Theeisor]

43 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

That makes it much MUCH harder to get over him. For sure, he knows what he is doing with this. The email.. an emoji. He knows what it will do to you.

Perhaps, if there is a way.. I'd remove his ability to do do. 

I can see this. Nothing will change. He will continue to do what works. Yes.. He is testing the waters to see if you will respond, as he doesn't sound like he has the guts to just outright talk/email/text. Again, doubt that will change.

It won't change. Keep that in mind. If you don't like his passive and testing nature, stay the course of being broken up. 

You can move on. You can find better!

Thanks so much. I really appreciate a guys perspective. I saw all the signs and I really should have known better. I hung on to the cute things he would say and discard all the other negative parts about it and it was enough until it wasn’t. I always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as far as being busy or this was just his personality but the saying really is true, if you want something, you’ll seek it. I hate to call him a coward or gutless but he really was. Testing me in that way was cruel and it flooded my mind with all the memories of blaming myself for being to needy or impulsive. We were a bad combo in that regard because it always went south. Always. 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, Theeisor said:

I hung on to the cute things he would say and discard all the other negative parts about it and it was enough until it wasn’t.

Could you make a list of all the negative vs cute things he has done for/to you? I think it would be a real eye-opener.

Sounds to me exactly that: You two didn't mesh well enough. He is too passive and you needed more than that. If you felt it was something cruel, that only adds to the bucket of reasons that it is a good thing you and him broke up. 

Indeed. If he wanted you enough - he would make the effort. One does not make an effort for things that they truly do not want. Even if he wanted you, it was not enough to drive him. 

It all seems like he came around when he wants to come around. Giving you light hints to talk first, so he knows he is on cool-ground with you. 🤷‍♂️ You can find someone more your type and will give you what you need. I'd block em out of your life as much as you can.

[Theeisor]

20 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Could you make a list of all the negative vs cute things he has done for/to you? I think it would be a real eye-opener.

Sounds to me exactly that: You two didn't mesh well enough. He is too passive and you needed more than that. If you felt it was something cruel, that only adds to the bucket of reasons that it is a good thing you and him broke up. 

Indeed. If he wanted you enough - he would make the effort. One does not make an effort for things that they truly do not want. Even if he wanted you, it was not enough to drive him. 

It all seems like he came around when he wants to come around. Giving you light hints to talk first, so he knows he is on cool-ground with you. 🤷‍♂️ You can find someone more your type and will give you what you need. I'd block em out of your life as much as you can.

Well, I can’t really replace him with someone else because I’m married also. I know, that’s a whole other issue that I’m dealing with. I appreciate all your advice. I’m trying to be as honest as I can about the whole thing and writing it out here and thinking back of all the negative parts makes me feel so damn silly about it. How and why did I ever think the world of him?…….I have a lot of work to do, I guess. I’m ready though, as much as it’s going to hurt. 

[Stevnx3]

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

Well, I can’t really replace him with someone else because I’m married also.

Yeah... That is the challenge. No judgement here. I'm sure you got your reasons. 

 

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

I appreciate all your advice. I’m trying to be as honest as I can about the whole thing and writing it out here and thinking back of all the negative parts makes me feel so damn silly about it

Any time. I'm not nearly as good as the other posters on the board. But I do try. Frankly, it is a good thing you work it out here. It can help clear your mind a little.

We all fall into things that are negative and not good for us. It is what it is. You will get it worked out!

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

How and why did I ever think the world of him?…….I have a lot of work to do, I guess. I’m ready though, as much as it’s going to hurt. 

Good thing you are ready. It will not be without it's challenges, for sure! You were in the moment. No surprise that you'd think the world of him. I'm sure he offered something you may have been needing in your life. Main point is that you are finding the strength to move on.😁

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 9/6/2021 at 2:43 PM, Theeisor said:

I wish I could say he gave me something that was special and unique but I can’t.

In time you might discover that he did give you something special and unique, which is an opportunity to address "the work" I described previously. 

It is the best thing I got from xMM. I learned soooo much by unpacking it all. I'm not 100% recovered from every single thing in my life ever, but I'm getting pretty close.

Wishing you the best!

[Theeisor]

4 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

Yeah... That is the challenge. No judgement here. I'm sure you got your reasons. 

 

Any time. I'm not nearly as good as the other posters on the board. But I do try. Frankly, it is a good thing you work it out here. It can help clear your mind a little.

We all fall into things that are negative and not good for us. It is what it is. You will get it worked out!

Good thing you are ready. It will not be without it's challenges, for sure! You were in the moment. No surprise that you'd think the world of him. I'm sure he offered something you may have been needing in your life. Main point is that you are finding the strength to move on.😁

Thanks again. I think everyone here brings something to the table, whether others agree with them or not. It’s the experience that I pay attention to. Some of us are are starting, in the middle of it or like me, at the bitter end. There was ALWAYS something I could relate to. The posting I’m doing is helping and so is the feedback. Sadly, most stories here are pretty much the same and it goes to show that it’s just because of the nature of the relationship. It really is just a fantasy. Although it hurt earlier what you said about him simply just done, it was what I needed to hear. Sigh. 

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

In time you might discover that he did give you something special and unique, which is an opportunity to address "the work" I described previously. 

It is the best thing I got from xMM. I learned soooo much by unpacking it all. I'm not 100% recovered from every single thing in my life ever, but I'm getting pretty close.

Wishing you the best!

Thank you. You’re right because through all this, there has been a lot that I have learned from the pain and desire and near desperation. I have actively sought out how to deal with certain emotions. There’s still so much but I’m really at the point where I know I have to do the work that I knew I always had to do. 

[Stevnx3]

2 hours ago, Theeisor said:

Thanks again. I think everyone here brings something to the table, whether others agree with them or not. It’s the experience that I pay attention to. Some of us are are starting, in the middle of it or like me, at the bitter end. There was ALWAYS something I could relate to. The posting I’m doing is helping and so is the feedback. Sadly, most stories here are pretty much the same and it goes to show that it’s just because of the nature of the relationship. It really is just a fantasy. Although it hurt earlier what you said about him simply just done, it was what I needed to hear. Sigh. 

I agree.

Yes. Most of the stories are the same. Sure, some things happen differently between each. Most end the same.. from my experiences on here.

I'd say it comes down to human nature shared between everyone. Everyone has the capacity for good things at one moment and not so good another. In happy this is helping you.

I can be a bit blunt. But I definitely am happy it hit home. 

 

[Theeisor]

12 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

I agree.

Yes. Most of the stories are the same. Sure, some things happen differently between each. Most end the same.. from my experiences on here.

I'd say it comes down to human nature shared between everyone. Everyone has the capacity for good things at one moment and not so good another. In happy this is helping you.

I can be a bit blunt. But I definitely am happy it hit home. 

 

Thank you 🥺 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you 🥺 

How are you holding out today? I hope strong. 

[Theeisor]

59 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

How are you holding out today? I hope strong. 

I actually am doing good. I can’t express enough how cathartic it was to express my situation on this board. I’m staying brutally honest in my thoughts and not allowing myself to wander into anything “but he was so_” or “If only I would have xyz”. I’m focusing on all the negative he brought to the table and holding myself responsible for my part. I’m staying busy and picking up my workouts. I’ve been here before but this time the mind frame is I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN! It’s not in a mean way or a vengeful way but I’m putting me and my mental health first at all costs. 

[Stevnx3]

21 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I’ve been here before but this time the mind frame is I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN! It’s not in a mean way or a vengeful way but I’m putting me and my mental health first at all costs. 

This is so very awesome to hear! Cheers to you for going at this in the right manner for all involved.

22 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I actually am doing good. I can’t express enough how cathartic it was to express my situation on this board. I’m staying brutally honest in my thoughts and not allowing myself to wander into anything “but he was so_” or “If only I would have xyz”. I’m focusing on all the negative he brought to the table and holding myself responsible for my part. I’m staying busy and picking up my workouts

Awesome. Keep at that. And do not let those thoughts creep up on you. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction - honestly, we at times just need someone to spill it all out to. Happy the board is helping you in this regard! 😁

[Theeisor]

5 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

This is so very awesome to hear! Cheers to you for going at this in the right manner for all involved.

Awesome. Keep at that. And do not let those thoughts creep up on you. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction - honestly, we at times just need someone to spill it all out to. Happy the board is helping you in this regard! 😁

One day at a time. I’m sure I’m going to have moments but I’ll just allow myself to feel them and NOT reach out.