ConfusedMrs Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 I'm more of looking for a what is wrong with me answer. I have been with my husband 9 years married 4. I love my husband he is the almost the ideal man. He is sweet, caring, stable, loyal, funny, a great father, and honest. BUT I'm not happy. Yes I love him dearly but honestly I don't like him at all. We have nothing in common, continuously brings up things I don't care about or will start a fight because of our extreme differences in opinion but refuses to accept we can agree to disagree. The only thing we have in common is wanting to sell our house and our son. Everything else is like talking to a stranger. The sex has gone as well. I can't for the life of me figure out how to interest him anymore. I've tried lingerie, naked, costumes, and sexy talk nothing works. If I'm being completely honest I don't even know if I want to have sex with him anymore because it is so much work to get him to say yes. I should be happy. I should have nothing to complain about because these problems are minor but it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room as him. What is wrong with me ruining my life and my son's life? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) My friend divorced her husband because they had grown apart. On the way to counselling and to file for divorce she said - “he’s such a great guy! What is wrong with me - I should feel blessed to have him as my husband.” She was actually suicidal at the time. I can’t explain what happened, but she knew they had grown apart/were not compatible anymore and she could not stay in a marriage that made her so unhappy. They have three kids - it was not easy, but both have found happiness with new partners and the kids are thriving. The moral of my story, he may be a wonderful man but he may not be a good partner - for you. And, there is nothing wrong with that. Edited September 7, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 Hmm. There is a disconnect here as you say two very opposite things. Being "conflicted" in various ways is quite common in marriages and relationships generally. It sounds like you like the stability of your marriage, but that "something is missing" (including/in addition to the sex) - this MAY mean something is missing in terms of an emotional connection or possibly "excitement". There are other things that might be driving this as well. And certainly "sexual rejection" (which this probably feels like to you) can sting emotionally and drive deeper, ongoing resentments. He seems to have resentments too - the starting a fight over nothing thing can often (IMO) mean there is an issue of a deeper resentment that the relatively minor issue is triggering. Nothing is wrong with the divorce suggestion, but have you tried marriage counseling and/or a sex therapist first? Might be a good step to take prior to going so far as to divorce or even suggest divorce, since you mention so many positives and clearly seem hesitant about it. At least that way you can say to yourself that you "tried everything", etc. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 I have a question... Is it possible that your husband has changed his mind about this "white picket fence" life that he finds himself in. Sometimes people think they'll be happy if they are married with a child or two, but in the end they are not. Maybe in the beginning he thought he wanted this life, but after he got it, your husband has changed his mind. Is it possible that he (wrongly) blames you for the situation he is in?? Do you think he may be comparing his life to that of single male friends/co-workers?? Does he reminisce about when he was single?? What about his job?? Does he seem happy with his work?? Does he complain about work?? Perhaps he feels trapped in this job because he has to provide for his family?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 4 hours ago, ConfusedMrs said: it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room as him. Chronic bickering, no sex life and incompatibilities is nothing to be happy about. Is he having affairs? Is there someone you're interested in? He seems completely checked out. It's unclear whether you are happy or not. You claim you "should be", then list a litany of valid reasons why you are not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 It's funny... several of my female friends are in the same boat. There are 3 that come to mind. All of them say "He is a great guy"... but none of them want to be married anymore. In one case.. there is another guy who is everything her H isn't. They go out (without kids) and have fun. The other 2 are very much married to a "Good Guy"... but he is a man child, and expects the wife to be his "Mom". (SO to speak) But I agree... if the sex drive is gone, and you argue about the small stuff... it will wear at the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 10 hours ago, ConfusedMrs said: Yes I love him dearly but honestly I don't like him at all. We have nothing in common, continuously brings up things I don't care about or will start a fight because of our extreme differences in opinion but refuses to accept we can agree to disagree. * * * What is wrong with me ruining my life and my son's life? I'm not going to say there is something wrong with you but I am going to suggest you learn to be a little more open minded. If your husband is interested in something that you don't care about, show interest anyway. Care a little about it because he cares about it. My EX loved to fish. I hate fish but I would go fishing with him & read a book. It was a nice day outside. My husband calls it "partci-hating" -- you engage in an activity you don't really like because your spouse enjoys it. It's about putting somebody else's needs ahead of your own for the good of your marriage. When you feel like your husband is starting a fight over some perceived extreme difference of opinion instead of going along or resorting to agreeing to disagree, be more of a peace maker & try to find any point of common ground. For example -- if one of you loves & supports political party A while the other one prefers party B, try acknowledging that you both have passion & want to make the world a better place, even if you have different definitions about what better looks like or how to achieve it. Meanwhile keep looking for things you can enjoy together. What did you do for the 5 years you were dating before you married? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedMrs Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: I have a question... Is it possible that your husband has changed his mind about this "white picket fence" life that he finds himself in. Sometimes people think they'll be happy if they are married with a child or two, but in the end they are not. Maybe in the beginning he thought he wanted this life, but after he got it, your husband has changed his mind. Is it possible that he (wrongly) blames you for the situation he is in?? Do you think he may be comparing his life to that of single male friends/co-workers?? Does he reminisce about when he was single?? What about his job?? Does he seem happy with his work?? Does he complain about work?? Perhaps he feels trapped in this job because he has to provide for his family?? He has recently changed jobs because he hated it but finds he hates this one more. I have encouraged him to start classes to get him in the career he wants but as a part time student to make his current career a fall back if he can't find employment in what he truly wants. As for changing his mind about the white picket fence life I don't know. He won't talk about what bothers him. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 1 minute ago, ConfusedMrs said: He has recently changed jobs because he hated it but finds he hates this one more. This could (possibly) be the issue/problem. I've had jobs that I really hated and it affected all aspects of my life. All I did was complain, when I wasn't complaining I was mad at the world. And I didn't have a family to support... Could this all be displaced anger about his current employment?? Could he take a lower paying job in another field or do you (really) need the higher income for day to day bills?? Do you work?? Again, this could all be displaced anger... when you hate your job, you are just miserable and that could be the root of all kinds of problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedMrs Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: This could (possibly) be the issue/problem. I've had jobs that I really hated and it affected all aspects of my life. All I did was complain, when I wasn't complaining I was mad at the world. And I didn't have a family to support... Could this all be displaced anger about his current employment?? Could he take a lower paying job in another field or do you (really) need the higher income for day to day bills?? Do you work?? Again, this could all be displaced anger... when you hate your job, you are just miserable and that could be the root of all kinds of problems. He actually choose the lower paying job because he would rather be outside. I work and we are both military veterans with disabilities. If he truly chose to he could stay home but right now he changes what he wants to do every 2 weeks but I am trying to be supportive and help him figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 1 minute ago, ConfusedMrs said: If he truly chose to he could stay home... Why don't you encourage him to quit the job that he hates and do just that... stay home. Tell him to take 6 months and just research what he might want to do for employment. Don't rush into anything... take his time... do some research... talk to other individuals in that field, etc. etc. In the end, if he decides to be a stay at home Dad (permanently), why not?? No harm in that, correct?? I (early) retired almost 4 years ago and it is the best feeling in the world. I am so happy I don't have to go to work anymore and it has really changed my personality (for the better). Each day I don't have to go into work and put up with crappy co-workers is paradise!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedMrs Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 59 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Why don't you encourage him to quit the job that he hates and do just that... stay home. Tell him to take 6 months and just research what he might want to do for employment. Don't rush into anything... take his time... do some research... talk to other individuals in that field, etc. etc. In the end, if he decides to be a stay at home Dad (permanently), why not?? No harm in that, correct?? I (early) retired almost 4 years ago and it is the best feeling in the world. I am so happy I don't have to go to work anymore and it has really changed my personality (for the better). Each day I don't have to go into work and put up with crappy co-workers is paradise!! He tried the stay at home dad thing and that made his mental health decline rapidly. I want to encourage him to find himself but I don't want him to spiral again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 34 minutes ago, ConfusedMrs said: I want to encourage him to find himself... Sounds like a good plan, encourage him to find and try various jobs/professions until he finds one that makes him content. I would also encourage him to leave that job that is making him miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 On 9/7/2021 at 3:06 AM, ConfusedMrs said: We have nothing in common, continuously brings up things I don't care about or will start a fight because of our extreme differences in opinion but refuses to accept we can agree to disagree. On 9/7/2021 at 3:06 AM, ConfusedMrs said: The sex has gone as well. Why is it you feel you "should" be happy when your marriage is in this state? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 On 9/7/2021 at 2:06 AM, ConfusedMrs said: I should be happy. I should have nothing to complain about because these problems are minor but it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to be in the same room as him. Minor???? What you describe is a train wreck of a marriage... You can't even bear to be in the same room as him... I doubt that fact will not be being picked up by your son. Go to IC for yourself and MC, and if he won't go then I seriously suggest selling your home, go your separate ways and be the best co parents you can be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 9 hours ago, ConfusedMrs said: I am trying to be supportive and help him figure it out. The best thing to do is stop doing this. Stop infantalizing him. Stop playing mom, therapist, career counselor. Do your job, go about your business and take care of yourself and your kids. Let him figure himself out. He seems withdrawn depressed and indecisive. Surely he has doctors he could go to for an evaluation of this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 Thank you both for your service. As disabled veterans there are a myriad of services available to you both including mental health services & career counseling. Suggest your husband take advantage of them. Also do what you can to get him to open up more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedMrs Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why is it you feel you "should" be happy when your marriage is in this state? Because he is an amazing man and I feel I'm doing something to cause him acting this way Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 It doesn't sound minor to me, OP. You and your husband seem to have little in common. Your sex life has all but disappeared even though you have tried to encourage him. It seems to me that in practical respects he is a good husband, stable, etc., but you do not like each other much. I guess you need to consider whether you want to rock the boat or not. People do not necessarily find the right person if they leave a marriage; there are no guarantees. At what point does unhappiness become serious enough to break up a marriage? It's an age-old question. Sometimes a partner will seek the love, affection and connection they need elsewhere and then the marriage falls apart. It's a tough place to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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