d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 One of my BFFs since we were 7 is an alcoholic. It runs in her family. In 2019 she checked into a rehab hospital for 90 days & got sober. It was a miracle. I felt like I got my friend back. I was so proud of her. I tried not to push but I occasionally offered to go to Church with her. I also did not drink around her. AA says you need to avoid your old drinking buddies so you are not triggered or tempted. Her older brother who is 25 years+ sober was OK with me hanging around because unlike most of our other friends I wasn't overly indulgent with the booze but truth be told I probably drink more than I should, although way less than all in our circle. Anyway my friend was doing great. We talked more than we had in years. She looked fantastic. She was going to AA meetings daily. She needed to. Hey, whatever works. I was so proud of her. Then lockdowns happened. I reached out & asked if she had an on line meeting to go to. Another acquaintance of mine ran an online AA meeting & I offered my friend the links just in case. She said she had it covered. By the end of summer 2020 she was back drinking again, & justifying it saying it was just 1-2. Her live in BF of 20+ years is also an alcoholic & ne never stopped drinking, which we all knew was always going to be a problem. She faded out of my life again -- was hard to reach; didn't return phone calls; blew me off when we made plans; & was back hanging out with the hard core drinkers. By the beginning of this summer she was full blown back to all the bad stuff including poring herself a large glass of vodka in the morning that she would sip & refill all day while working from home. She's a mess again. If she was in an office, she'd be fired. I have heard through the grapevine (gee bad choice of words. . . rumor mill) that she plans on quitting again today. I don't know if it will be another in-patient stint. I hope so because think her addiction is probably physical again or if she's just going to start going back to meetings. I'd like to do something encouraging but I don't want to pry or push. I was thinking of sending her a short note just wishing her well. Is that a good idea or a bad one? Is there something more concrete I can or should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 I had an acquaintance who worked at a Rehab facility. The facility kept track of individuals after they completed the Rehab program (in-patient - 3 months). The facility defined "success" (and added that person into their success rate) if the individual remained clean and sober 1 year after treatment. They had a 4% success rate, which is actually pretty good. The vast majority of addicts just can't kick their habit, they go back. The fact that your friend has already been through rehab once, her ability/chance to stay clean and sober is very, very low. Moreover, the fact that she is living with someone who is a drinker lowers her success rate to zero. If her drinking causes you "angst" it may be time to sever the friendship. Your note will do little to assist her. Unless she is willing to move out (away from the boyfriend) and is diligent about working the program each and every day, "success" at staying sober is not in her future. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 I would send the note anyway. It's an extension of your friendship. Silence is worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 @Happy Lemming While the success rate is low, my friend would have qualified as a success under your definition. She was sober for almost 2 years. Then Covid happened. I am aware of the statistics. It takes about 5-8 tries for somebody to kick these habits. I suspect she would have gone longer but for Covid, lock downs & losing her daily in person AA meetings. If she can get back to that for this -- attempt 2 -- I think she has a fighting chance, even with the temptations from the live-in BF. They have been together 20+ years & she got sober once with him in the picture. There's no reason she can't do it again. You don't know here the way I do. Once she makes up her mind to do something she accomplishes it. Until now she wasn't motivated to quit again. I have dialed this friendship back but I refuse to end it. There is good in her. I also know enough to not enable her & to distance myself from her antics. There is no need to completely cut her off. I'm not that anxious about her choices. The Serenity Prayer helps those who love addicts too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 Sorry to hear that. I think a nice card with some heartfelt words would be just lovely. Letting her know that you're thinking of her and that she is in your thoughts (maybe an offer to spend a special day together). Keep showing you care but set reasonable limits (which I know you are more than capable of doing). Words of support and compassion can sometimes keep that special someone encouraged and inspired to stay clean. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: @Happy Lemming She was sober for almost 2 years. Unfortunately the longer she was sober, then went back to drinking means she just can't stay sober. Covid-19 is just the latest excuse. There will be some other excuse, when she relapses, again. And she will relapse again... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 I hear it's a lifelong journey. Most people say there was one sobering event. Like 'your liver's hanging by a thread' etc. Even then it seems like a struggle after building a life around it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 She's had some life changing moments -- car accidents, DWIs, being told by doctors that she's developing heart & liver problems. It's a struggle that is for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 Send the note and let her know you care and are there for her if she needs to talk. It can't hurt and will almost certainly be appreciated. You already know that it won't affect outcomes beyond affirming your friendship. Alcoholism is such a tragic disease. The only thing I would add is that detox needs to be done under medical supervision. Hopefully she and her partner both know this, but if you hear through your grapevine that she's going to try going cold turkey, that would be a time to step forward. I had a second cousin die trying it at his mother's house. None of them knew it wasn't safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 She was hospitalized the 1st time around but everybody involved knows what to look for if things go south. She's not in this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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