Planning to divorce but seeking couple counselling

[livingalife2009]

Hello all,

I thought I am doing great but some days the sadness I have for my stbx gets the best of me and I end up crying. My soon to be ex is almost 77 years old, I am 47, married 20 years, two kids in elementary school. He has a strong narcissistic tendencies. He thrives on validation and excessive admiration. He loves his sister because she is his enabler/narcissistic supply. I have no doubt that this man loves me but he doesn't respect me because I have never been his enabler and my supply to prop up his ego is long gone after 20 years of marriage. 

His sister who is 71 years old, has always been the golden child, she is extremely jealous of me and has been pushing him to divorce me. She and my husband love to trash me behind my back and when I find out, they call it a private conversation. No one has ever stood up to his sister but after 20 years of being verbally and emotionally abused by her I thought enough is enough. I told her to back off. She cried and of course my husband ignored me and comforted her. He told her she's his # 1 and my feelings were c**p. 

In some ways it was a relief to find out that there is someone else that he loves more than me. But now he's telling me he mispoke, except that he wouldn't remove his sister from his life although she continued to encourage him to divorce me.

He has come to terms that I am going to divorce him but he seems so sad while I am happy to be free from him and his toxic sister.

I am happy for myself but I can't get rid of the sadness that I have for him. I wish he has the capacity to make a decision for himself. This man can change, I have seen it...he stops being abusive to the children and he stops verbally abusing me too. 

I am seeking couple counselling not to try to get back together but to be able to express our genuine emotions and concerns for each other in front of a professional. Does that even make sense to you?

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said:

am seeking couple counselling not to try to get back together but to be able to express our genuine emotions and concerns for each other in front of a professional. Does that even make sense to you?

Not really to me anyway.  If you are sure you are going to divorce why would you need counseling to express your emotions and concerns for each other?  You already have and that is why you're divorcing.  Just file for divorce.

Edited September 7, 2021 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

41 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said:

I am seeking couple counselling not to try to get back together but to be able to express our genuine emotions and concerns for each other in front of a professional. Does that even make sense to you?

No.  Get individual counseling to make sense of YOUR emotions.  Don't waste your money or time on MC if you have no intention of getting back together.  Just get divorced already.  

[glows]

1 hour ago, livingalife2009 said:

He has come to terms that I am going to divorce him but he seems so sad while I am happy to be free from him and his toxic sister.

I am happy for myself but I can't get rid of the sadness that I have for him. I wish he has the capacity to make a decision for himself. This man can change, I have seen it...he stops being abusive to the children and he stops verbally abusing me too. 

I am seeking couple counselling not to try to get back together but to be able to express our genuine emotions and concerns for each other in front of a professional. Does that even make sense to you?

If you are looking at divorce, speak to an attorney not a marriage counsellor. Divorce is sad. I don't think it's your husband changing that you're looking for. You already know that after 20 yrs of marriage he is not going to change and his sister isn't going anywhere. You will keep talking to yourself in this loop for another 10 or 20 years. What is it that's holding you back? Is it fear of loneliness or starting over? If so, there is counselling and support services for this and have a look at local community services and support groups.

[livingalife2009]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

If you are looking at divorce, speak to an attorney not a marriage counsellor. Divorce is sad. I don't think it's your husband changing that you're looking for. You already know that after 20 yrs of marriage he is not going to change and his sister isn't going anywhere. You will keep talking to yourself in this loop for another 10 or 20 years. What is it that's holding you back? Is it fear of loneliness or starting over? If so, there is counselling and support services for this and have a look at local community services and support groups.

My sadness for him is holding me back. I am thinking (not hoping) that he might soon wake up that he is making decisions based on external validation NOT because it is best for him.

Do I love him? Yes. 

Do I think I will be happier if/when I get a divorced? Yes!!!!!

Am I afraid of starting over? NO, I am actually excited but every time I see his sad face I get sad too. 

My husband will be the saddest person when we get a divorce. The kids and I will be fine and his sister will have a party. 

[stillafool]

Well unless you want to try to hang around until the sister dies which isn't likely.  He's older than her.  Go and live your happy life because nothing there is going to change.

[glows]

1 hour ago, livingalife2009 said:

My sadness for him is holding me back. I am thinking (not hoping) that he might soon wake up that he is making decisions based on external validation NOT because it is best for him.

Do I love him? Yes. 

Do I think I will be happier if/when I get a divorced? Yes!!!!!

Am I afraid of starting over? NO, I am actually excited but every time I see his sad face I get sad too. 

My husband will be the saddest person when we get a divorce. The kids and I will be fine and his sister will have a party. 

So? Is he sad too when he's trashing you behind your back or is he sad when he verbally abuses you? You say that his sister is an enabler but so are you. This isn't going to stop until you put an end to it yourself. There are a lot of painful aspects about divorce including seeing your spouse feel sad. It doesn't negate the fact that it's not working out.

[d0nnivain]

So there is some chance that you are open to reconciliation if he makes changes.  then MC may help.  

[livingalife2009]

9 hours ago, glows said:

If you are looking at divorce, speak to an attorney not a marriage counsellor. Divorce is sad. I don't think it's your husband changing that you're looking for. You already know that after 20 yrs of marriage he is not going to change and his sister isn't going anywhere. You will keep talking to yourself in this loop for another 10 or 20 years. What is it that's holding you back? Is it fear of loneliness or starting over? If so, there is counselling and support services for this and have a look at local community services and support groups.

You are so wise. We had our final talk today. He won't remove his sister from his life and I'm not staying married to him with her in his life. If I had a choice I would move out tomorrow but I'm the caretaker of the children so we are looking for a house/apt for him. We actually put offers on 2 houses in the past 2 month but we're outbid both times.

I'm 100% sure I'll be happier after the divorce. 

[livingalife2009]

7 hours ago, glows said:

So? Is he sad too when he's trashing you behind your back or is he sad when he verbally abuses you? You say that his sister is an enabler but so are you. This isn't going to stop until you put an end to it yourself. There are a lot of painful aspects about divorce including seeing your spouse feel sad. It doesn't negate the fact that it's not working out.

Thank you for giving so much food for thought. I was never his enabler and I will never. We are moving forward with the divorce. I'm so thrilled that we have reached to this point.

[livingalife2009]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

Not really to me anyway.  If you are sure you are going to divorce why would you need counseling to express your emotions and concerns for each other?  You already have and that is why you're divorcing.  Just file for divorce.

Yes, you are spot on. Divorce is coming (soon) I hope. Toxic people are not able to see their toxicity. 

[Blind-Sided]

On 9/7/2021 at 11:31 AM, livingalife2009 said:

I am seeking couple counselling not to try to get back together but to be able to express our genuine emotions and concerns for each other in front of a professional. Does that even make sense to you?

Nope... not at all.

First... it will be a waist of money.

Second... you will give your stbXh false hopes. 

Third... ( and this may be a key here) why do you need validation from stranger?  as @d0nnivain said... get a scope on your own emotions.  getting a professional to say "He was Wrong" in a couples setting, will never happen. 

If you are done... then just be done.  File, and move on.  

 

[Blind-Sided]

There is one other side that you really need to understand.  If he is the father of the kids (didn't want to assume anything) then you will never truly be away from him, and his sister's influence.  You two will have to be able to talk, and agree on things.  You will still have to know each other's schedules. (to a degree)  and you will have to put on a happy face for the sake of the kids. 

Right now... the exW and I don't really see eye to eye on things... but we both tolerate the difference because we have to.  Neither one of us is so far off center that the courts would step in... and tolerating each other is what is needed to make the kids happy.  For example... the exW is working a "9 to 5" so when it's her week with the kids... she will still drop off our youngest at my house, so I can make sure she gets on and off the bus for school.  I've had friends say... make her pay for before/after school care... but to me... since I'm home... I love having my kids around... and it just keeps the bond strong, and keeps the kids happy.  The other side is... if one of us has an event, or Dr appointment... we try to be available to take care of the kids.  After my D... the last thing I wanted, was to make the kids feel like they were unwanted, or being abandoned because mom, or dad was trying to live a new life. 

So... I guess my point is... put any differences aside when it comes to the kids.

Anyway... just my random 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.