Emmylou_H Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 Hello! Ok so there is a person I have known for over 10 years who I recently reconnected with. We were messaging back and forth and I asked him if he would want to get together sometime as a no pressure friends kind of thing. He seemed really open to doing so and said he is free all month. So here is my question- how do I go about being friends with a guy I have had a past with? We have always got along really well and I think we have potential to be good friends. Thing is I used to have a major crush on him (for years) and the last time we saw each other we hooked up (he initiated but I was more than happy to go along with it). I’m assuming he really would be into hanging out as friends because he used a lot of exclamation marks/smiley face in his response? So if we do coordinate a hang out how on earth do I behave? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 Is it fwb you're interested in or are you wanting something more? It sounds like you're inviting an fwb situation and aren't over your crush. You would not be here asking how to behave around a friend if he was just a friend. Are you comfortable sleeping with him no strings attached? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 If you just want to be a friend forget about kissing and sex and go out and do friend stuff. If you want the kissing and sex you will just be a hook up since you were the one who told him "no pressure friends kind of thing" is what he'll expect it to be. Don't get anxious when it doesn't turn into more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 (edited) Tbh if you have to ask how, you probably shouldn’t. To me very few people can manage being actual friends with people they have once been romantic or sexual with in the past because there is usually some lingering on one or both sides. The best most accomplish is like good acquaintances , but actual friendship with an old flame is just something where all the things need to align my to work out You need to ask yourself why you really need this guy as a friend with all the people in the world to be friends w Edited September 7, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 @stillafoolcrap I didn’t even think about it being read by him as a FWB kind of deal, I honestly just meant to hang out and enjoy each other’s company. Last time we talked I know he wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything so I really put the idea of that out of my mind because I’m sure a relationship with him would never happen. @glows no, totally not comfortable with the no strings thing because it wasn’t pleasant for me after the first time, I think I caught feelings I couldn’t manage if I wasn’t in a relationship. I care about having a friendship with him though because I genuinely like him as a person. Guess I just want to know how to act so I’m not awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 It needs to be a very low key thing. You meet this once since you already started to organize it but make sure it's for lunch or brunch, not dinner . You want the outing to be as unromantic as possible & preferably you each pay for yourselves. You keep the subjects boring & no flirting. Then you keep it mostly on line & rarely. You like great news posts -- new jobs & other extraordinary things but not every post. You send holiday greetings but other than that it's not really much of a friendship. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 @Cookiesandoughyes I hesitated asking to hang out sometime as friends but where we last left it he said he hoped we could see each other again in the future. Yea there are a lot of people in the world to be friends with but I just have a great time with him, like he is honestly one of the coolest people I have ever met. Guess I just want him in my life somehow. Wondering now why he agreed to hang out as well…I assumed it was because he would also be interested in a friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 7, 2021 Share Posted September 7, 2021 6 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: @stillafoolcrap I didn’t even think about it being read by him as a FWB kind of deal, I honestly just meant to hang out and enjoy each other’s company. 59 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: I’m assuming he really would be into hanging out as friends because he used a lot of exclamation marks/smiley face in his response? So if we do coordinate a hang out how on earth do I behave? So after having sex with him the last time and having a hard time getting over it you've decided this time you want to just be his friend? By his response bolded above I would say he is thinking it's going to be a repeat of last time under the guise of "just friends". Why are you playing with fire? You know you want more from this guy than just friendship. You're going to get hurt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 7, 2021 Author Share Posted September 7, 2021 @stillafool I was hoping I could just be chill and hang out, and like he could be as well? I’m kind of trusting that he will be friendly when we hang out and not make any moves? That’s why I was curious how to act because I don’t want to be flirty and whatnot. Like I really do genuinely want to be his friend I really don’t think he wants anything more from me…? If he tries to initiate anything I am not afraid to be honest with him and say that wasn’t good for me last time it happened, but he knows that because we did discuss it after it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 55 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: @stillafool I was hoping I could just be chill and hang out, and like he could be as well? I’m kind of trusting that he will be friendly when we hang out and not make any moves? That’s why I was curious how to act because I don’t want to be flirty and whatnot. Like I really do genuinely want to be his friend I really don’t think he wants anything more from me…? If he tries to initiate anything I am not afraid to be honest with him and say that wasn’t good for me last time it happened, but he knows that because we did discuss it after it happened. There's nothing wrong with that but you also need to be comfortable with him sleeping with, dating and meeting other women. Leave room for the possibility that you may also find you don't want him around anymore as the lustre is lost or if you both grow apart. You might also be shooting yourself in the foot and holding yourself back from finding someone new. This guy sounds like a waste of time if it means you're not looking for a great guy and the total package to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 I am friends with several past lovers/gfs. There are many with whom I'm not friends, because there wasn't enough there to justify it, but those few who were good people and shared some interests or activities outside the bedroom were worth befriending. I don't find it difficult to avoid a romantic relationship if I don't want one, even if they do (and if they can't manage their actions, there can't be a sustainable friendship). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 First and foremost, be truthful to yourself. Do you still have a soft spot for him? If true, saying you want to be "friends" helps you to pretend you never had deeper feelings for him and disguise any hurt you may be feeling. You can't be his true buddy until you deal with your emotions and give up your desire for a romantic relationship. Being around him before that will only snip away at your heart. If you no longer harbor any of those squishy feelings, then, it shouldn't be a problem. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 The way to do this is to say you're doing this. Hey, I know we had our fling. I'm interested in meeting you again because I think we could be friends. This one is way easier than the traditional challenge: trying to be friends with someone you seriously dated. This is relatively easy. But put the friendship on the table. If you can't do that, then you guys aren't really meant to be friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 11 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I recently reconnected with. He seemed really open to doing so and said he is free all month. What prompted you to reconnect with him? Are you recently divorced/broken up? Wait until he contacts you. Is he in a relationship? What's your end goal? Dating, hooking up, an affair,? It's clear you want more than friends. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 12 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I’m kind of trusting that he will be friendly when we hang out and not make any moves? That’s why I was curious how to act because I don’t want to be flirty and whatnot. Like I really do genuinely want to be his friend I really don’t think he wants anything more from me…? If he tries to initiate anything I am not afraid to be honest with him and say that wasn’t good for me last time it happened, but he knows that because we did discuss it after it happened. That's unrealistic. Guys are gonna try. It's the nature of men. This is why I suggested you meet during the day in a bright, well lit, public setting. Don't meet him for a drink in a bar at a "date" time. Wear casual loose fitting shapeless clothes & flat shoes Nothing tight or sexy. Definitely not a skirt. Go light on the make up. Do not hug hello. Sit opposite him, not next to him. Drop the word "friends" & "platonic" into every pre-meeting conversation you have. Even when you confirm the get together say something like "I'm so glad after all we have been through that we have this chance to chat again as friends. See you at [time]!" Use your body language to scream "back off" while still being friendly but not flirty. Be slightly more than arms length away from him, so you don't create an intimate bubble for the two of you. Don't not face him square on, shoulder to shoulder Rather you should angle toward him with one shoulder but keep the other side open. forming sort of a V, signaling that other people are welcome to join your conversation. Do not touch him when you speak. Do not lean in. Do not play with your hair or lick your lips. Do not maintain steady eye contact; you want an air of aloofness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 He thinks he is onto a sure thing and I guess he is likely right... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 14 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I’m kind of trusting that he will be friendly when we hang out and not make any moves? Why would you trust that he won't make any moves when the last time you met with him you had sex? When he sent you this: 15 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: he used a lot of exclamation marks/smiley face in his response? he thought you wanted a repeat of the last date. You must have realized this and that is why you mentioned it. Why didn't you text him back and clarify that you meant to meet "only as friends"? Now when he gets there he'll be confused and thinking you're a tease. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 17 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: Hello! Ok so there is a person I have known for over 10 years who I recently reconnected with. We were messaging back and forth and I asked him if he would want to get together sometime as a no pressure friends kind of thing. He seemed really open to doing so and said he is free all month. So here is my question- how do I go about being friends with a guy I have had a past with? We have always got along really well and I think we have potential to be good friends. Thing is I used to have a major crush on him (for years) and the last time we saw each other we hooked up (he initiated but I was more than happy to go along with it). I’m assuming he really would be into hanging out as friends because he used a lot of exclamation marks/smiley face in his response? So if we do coordinate a hang out how on earth do I behave? Is he in a relationship with anyone now, or is he single? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 @GeorgiaPeach1 @Wiseman2 As far as I know he is single. I do think he is an amazing person and whoever will date him would be lucky, but I just know it never has been me all these years and so maybe it’s a sign we are meant to be friends. Every time I talk with him it’s a lot of fun, so I guess that’s my motivation for wanting to be friends with him. To be honest, when I saw him last I really did think it would go down the friends route. He is pretty caring and thoughtful and I know if I just tell him the casual hookup thing still isn’t going to work for me (if it seems like it’s going to come up if we hang out) that he is really going to respect that. Maybe I think too idealistically but for some reason I feel like he is meant to be in my life and what if it could be a friendship? I am just hoping it won’t hurt to try. It’s hard to tell if my feelings will change once we hang out, so maybe that is an underlying concern of mine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 What does this friendship look like to you? what are your expectations? Looking into the future, how do you think a new SO of yours will feel when that new person learns this guy is in your life given your past history? How do you anticipate dealing with a new woman in his life? You really need to think some of this through before you go charging down this road. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Now when he gets there he'll be confused and thinking you're a tease. He may even get pretty angry/pissed off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 18 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I’m assuming he really would be into hanging out as friends because he used a lot of exclamation marks/smiley face in his response? He was excited at the prospect of another hook up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 @elaine567do you think so really? Oh gosh maybe I just really don’t understand men. I thought he was being friendly with his response Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 @elaine567 there’s no way he will get angry he’s probably the most easygoing person I have ever met lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 8, 2021 Author Share Posted September 8, 2021 @d0nnivain all good points I must say. Yea maybe I should just follow through with the one meet up and then go from there. You are right though I’m not sure if it would be a sustainable friendship. It’s just that we have always communicated on and off over the years and it’s hard for me to imagine never doing that again. I think he kind of expects me to reach out from time to time too, just because it’s been that way for a decade pretty much. No idea why it’s like that but at the very least I like the idea of being his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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