Sarah66 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 I've been seeing a man for 5 months now. Initially we agreed just to be fwb, but I've felt he's become more emotionally involved over the time, although neither of us has spoken about our feelings. He messages me regularly about anything and everything and our "relationship" seems more than fwb as when we meet it isn't just for sex. We get on well as a couple in general and enjoy each others company. I like him a lot and he says he likes me too and says we have fun when we're together. However, in a conversation yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! I've been divorced for many years and don't consider myself screwed up, so I don't know if he said this to warn me off or because he's had past relationships with divorcees that haven't ended well! Now I don't know where I stand....any advice would be welcome please Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 5 minutes ago, Sarah66 said: , in a conversation yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! End it. What a slap in the face. Don't waste time or energy on this go nowhere situation. Don't get into hurtful situationships with bitter men like this. Don't even defend a remark like that. He's basically saying you're good enough to treat like a free escort but not good enough to date. Get tested for STDs. He seems quite untrustworthy and clearly uses people. Next time, don't enter ridiculous arrangements like FWB. Pull yourself together and reflect on what you want and make sure it's what you are getting out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 He said that because in his mind you are just a fwb, so are not in the running for a relationship with him so he can tell you what he thinks. He may also have seen the signs you are getting attached so was putting you back into your place. Men tend not to see FWB women as "relationship material". Accepting an NSA sex arrangement is not seen as the action of a potential wife... Too many women accept FWB, hoping it will lead to "more", BUT it very rarely does, as men do not see it in the same way. They are grateful for the fun, the sex and the attention but a "relationship"? - no way. They want some other woman for that. Where you stand is where you have always stood, you are his FWB. Take it or leave it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 It sounds like he said that to keep his own boundaries in check. He may fear this is becoming more & wanted to remind himself how badly his last interaction with a divorced woman went. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 4 hours ago, Sarah66 said: However, in a conversation yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! He basically insulted you right to your face. You should have reminded him that you are a divorced woman so he could clear it up...or not. Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted September 8, 2021 Share Posted September 8, 2021 5 hours ago, Sarah66 said: Now I don't know where I stand You are FWB, that was the arrangement and that's where it stands. He can probably feel you catching feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 14, 2021 Share Posted September 14, 2021 (edited) On 9/8/2021 at 1:42 AM, Sarah66 said: I've been seeing a man for 5 months now. Initially we agreed just to be fwb, but I've felt he's become more emotionally involved over the time, although neither of us has spoken about our feelings. He messages me regularly about anything and everything and our "relationship" seems more than fwb as when we meet it isn't just for sex. We get on well as a couple in general and enjoy each others company. I like him a lot and he says he likes me too and says we have fun when we're together. However, in a conversation yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! I've been divorced for many years and don't consider myself screwed up, so I don't know if he said this to warn me off or because he's had past relationships with divorcees that haven't ended well! Now I don't know where I stand....any advice would be welcome please He's insecure with himself. I'd think carefully about seeing him again. He is a man who doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know how to treat a partner well. There are too many unresolved issues there. What leads you to believe he has become more emotionally involved with you? Edited September 14, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 (edited) On 9/8/2021 at 1:42 AM, Sarah66 said: He messages me regularly about anything and everything and our "relationship" seems more than fwb as when we meet it isn't just for sex. We get on well as a couple in general and enjoy each others company. I like him a lot and he says he likes me too and says we have fun when we're together. Sarah66, it's important to remember what FWB stands for - "Friends" With Benefits. You have a friendship which like any friendship consists of "getting on well, enjoying each other's company, having fun when together and liking each other." You are also having sexual relations which is the "benefit" part. Try to not confuse and complicate things by reading more into it than that. He has been very clear with you and you should take him at his word. Regarding his comment about not wanting a RL with a divorced woman, well not sure what's so confusing, he has made it clear you are friends (who are having sex), so a "relationship" is off the table anyway regardless of whether you are a divorced woman or not. Edited September 15, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 Some folks will take a chance. They'll take what they can get if it's available. It's not cute, it's not hip, it's actually disrespectful towards you. "How come we're still sleeping together if he has such a terrible attitude of divorced women?" Is what you need to be thinking. Whether or not it's true, is besides the point. On 9/8/2021 at 1:42 AM, Sarah66 said: However, in a conversation yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 On 9/8/2021 at 10:42 AM, Sarah66 said: yesterday he said he never wanted to get in another relationship with a divorced woman because they are all screwed up! This is him letting you know that you two won't be progresing beyond FWB. And it is insulting towards you as well. I would pull the plug altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 (edited) I don't get how it's insulting. They're friends! Ok they have sex but they are still just friends. If he had said he cant be "friends" with a divorced woman, that might be insulting given that's what they are -- friends. And he is getting the benefit of sex (so is she). Problem here is the OP wants more than friends, she wants a relationship so she views his comment as insulting when it really shouldn't be, as again the agreement was a friendship with sex, to which SHE agreed to. Edited September 15, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is him letting you know that you two won't be progresing beyond FWB. And it is insulting towards you as well. I would pull the plug altogether. Indeed. It is one thing to not want the FWB situation to go further, but to say that X attribute puts him off, when you have that attribute... Instead of divorce imagine he's said "I could never get in a relationship with fat women, because they are a hot mess who can't control themselves", and you were also fat... Take what he said for the insult it is and put an end to it. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I don't get how it's insulting. They're friends! Ok they have sex but they are still just friends. If he had said he cant be "friends" with a divorced woman, that might be insulting given that's what they are -- friends. And he is getting the benefit of sex (so is she). Problem here is the OP wants more than friends, she wants a relationship so she views his comment as insulting when it really shouldn't be, as again the agreement was a friendship with sex, to which SHE agreed to. Because he is saying he thinks less of people who are divorced. You can choose to ignore it, as a friend, but a FWB is also not just a "friend". I find it quite insulting. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, ASG said: Because he is saying he thinks less of people who are divorced. You can choose to ignore it, as a friend, but a FWB is also not just a "friend". FWB is a friend though, with sex. That's my understanding of it anyway. I dunno, I don't do FWB because my emotions get involved when I become sexual with a man, but heck the OP agreed to FWB but now she wants more and he doesn't, and she feels insulted? People have all sorts of dealbreakers when it comes to "relationships" - no kids, no friends with ex's; here, it's no divorced women. He has his reasons. Doesn't necessarily mean he thinks "less" of her, just like a man whose dealbreaker was a woman having kids. She can choose to not be insulted, and stay with the status quo of friends with benefits. She could also choose to remain friends with no benefits. Or she can take personally, be insulted and dump. Edited September 15, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: FWB is a friend though, with sex. That's my understanding of it anyway. I dunno, I don't do FWB because my emotions get involved when I become sexual with a man, but heck the OP agreed to FWB but now she wants more and he doesn't, and she feels insulted? People have all sorts of dealbreakers when it comes to "relationships" - no kids, no friends with ex's; here, it's no divorced women. He has his reasons. Doesn't necessarily mean he thinks "less" of her, just like a man whose dealbreaker was a woman having kids. She can choose to not be insulted, and stay with the status quo of friends with benefits. She could also choose to remain friends with no benefits. Or she can take personally, be insulted and dump. Yes, but if a friend told me that being divorced made me less than desirable, because he thinks I'd be damaged goods, I'd also be pretty offended. Even if I had ZERO sexual/romantic involvement with said friend. It DOES mean he thinks less of her. And of all divorced women without exception. I don't put that on the same bracket as having kids, because 1- you might not want to have kids altogether, 2- having a partner with kids might mean another co parent and things are not always straightforward in that way, and 3- a lot of people who already have kids might not be open to more kids, which would be a problem if you did want kids. She can do whatever she wants, obviously. Clearly she needs to at least be done with the benefits bit, because she wants more than he does, but I'd be calling him out on the remark about divorced women, because it's not a nice thing to say at all, regardless of the relationship you have. If you are my friend and say you really don't understand women who dye their hair weird colours and would never date one (my hair s currently blue), I'm not gonna give you a pass on that even if I have no interest in dating you (general YOU here) . Sure, you can have your preferences. We all do. It doesn't mean you should be shouting them from the rooftops, because words can hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, ASG said: Yes, but if a friend told me that being divorced made me less than desirable, because he thinks I'd be damaged goods, I'd also be pretty offended. Even if I had ZERO sexual/romantic involvement with said friend. Did he say that to her? Less than desirable? Damaged goods? If so, I missed it, my apologies. I thought the only thing he said was he could never be in a relationship with a divorced woman. Which there could be numerous reasons for. But yeah that IS quite insulting and offensive and if he did, in fact, say that to her, then I 100% agree with you. Immediate dump. He or anyone who would say such a thing is NO friend, not one I would want anyway. Edited September 15, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted September 15, 2021 Share Posted September 15, 2021 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: Did he say that to her? Less than desirable? Damaged goods? If so, I missed it, my apologies. I thought the only thing he said was he could never be in a relationship with a divorced woman. Which there could be numerous reasons for. But yeah that IS quite insulting and offensive and if he did, in fact, say that to her, then I 100% agree with you. Immediate dump. He or anyone who would say such a thing is NO friend, not one I would want anyway. Exact words in the OP are "divorced women are all screwed up". That, to me, means damaged goods and less than desirable. He is literally telling the OP he thinks she's screwed up. So yeah, I'd find it offensive. Having preferences is absolutely fine. What someone finds attractive or not is pretty personal. But voicing your preference in such a way is pretty bad. Link to post Share on other sites
DividedTrail Posted September 16, 2021 Share Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) What was the context of the discussion where that came out? Like what did you say to precipitate that comment, if anything? The wise comments of the previous posters could be spot on. Or could he have been thinking to himself, hey I’m starting to fall for sarah66, and then out loud sort of saying I told myself I would never fall for a divorced woman again, but here I am... Not to give false hope but that is what I first thought when I read your post... Edited September 16, 2021 by DividedTrail Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2021 Share Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, poppyfields said: They're friends! Ok they have sex but they are still just friends. Still a pretty rude thing to say to a divorced female "friend" that all divorced women are screwed up. Just my opinion, and would be my personal indication to aim higher for the people I choose to be "friends" with. Edited September 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted September 16, 2021 Share Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Still a pretty rude thing to say to a divorced female "friend" that all divorced women are screwed up. Just my opinion, and would be my personal indication to aim higher for the people I choose to be "friends" with. I agree, and already clarified (and apologized) that I missed that and thought he only said he didn't want to have a relationship with a divorced woman, NOT that divorced women are 'screwed up.' Edited September 16, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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