Worth calling a lady to check if partner is inappropriately texting?

[Ready2quit]

My partner has been acting more distant due to stresses and grief etc.

When I returned from a month away he got me flowers but wasn’t as excited as usual to see me after being away 

I asked him about whether he was chatting to any friends online instead as he only contacted me twice a day instead of the usual more often when away and he said no and came to show me his fb messenger. There were names of his usual friends male and female and then I notice a promo model he used to work with 5 years ago.. but this msg was before I went away .. even so I asked him to show me 

“hey stranger long time no hear” type of start.

that guy on your post is so rude using the C word. You should block him 

she wrote something like she’s not so fussed it just shows I got to him with my opinion 

and I’m pretty sure he added something related to that again but when I asked to check the msg again when he told me the date of writing was a week before I went away and why would he text an old workmate from another State .. he would text a local if interested kind of reason 

This time I looked, it showed her response was last. Pretty sure he deleted his, so he was clearly trying to start a conversation I think.
I get these kind of texts all the time from males incl friends especially when I was single and my partner accused me and was angry because he said it meant the guys wanted to test the waters in case I became single .. starting off innocently texting. Then he does that very thing and claims this is nothing as she was an old friend 

i honestly don’t think this is innocent even tho he was adamant and then got really angry when I didn’t believe him.

i know I’ve been trying to leave often due to his distance during grieving and he stopped me but he shouldn’t be testing the waters if he so selfishly is stopping me from walking out by blocking the door etc 

Can anyone see this as “overreacting” as he puts it. People can respond under the post without taking it to PM 

 

[JRabbit]

31 minutes ago, Ready2quit said:

he so selfishly is stopping me from walking out by blocking the door etc 

This is a sign of abuse, is he actually physically stopping you from leaving?

[Ready2quit]

Well he has held my bags or stood in front of the door.. that part I know is manipulation to keep me staying with him 

what do you think of the topic? 
 

im pissed off because over a year ago I had seen him like a bunch of pics on her insta after she wished him happy bday ..

he showed me the fb messages saying his dealing with her were innocent as they knew each other and she had all these clients that he could contact for his sales calls. He was messaging her about that incl for her own business and she declined .. 

he gets sales leads from the company so it’s no excuse! This caused an argument last year and I brushed it off because the last thing he seemed to be was a cheat. Now finding another excuse to make contact is just BS.

he tried to tell me she contacted him by phone a few months ago to send condolences and he hadn’t reached out to barely anyone at the time.. just took calls from closest friends.

its fishing for backup in my opinion 

[Ready2quit]

I’m stuck in a situation where my fiancé has “innocently” private messaged an attractive lady (friend) he worked with 5 years ago, just to mention how a guy on her fb post should not be so rude and use the C word on her .. block him etc

This same “hero” of mine had approached me by PM when we first met and it was also a very innocent reply to a post of mine. Only difference is he used to work with her before.

long story short he denied it meant anything he was just being a friend .. 

but I don’t like those “how've u been” texts. Then adding the great guy msg 😣 he could post a comment instead !! 

id like to call her and get an upfront answer because she didn’t continue much further when he contacted her but one response and she ended a conversation he started last year with her regarding her apparent interest in placing her business in the mag he sells ads for, as well as any clients of hers may be interested. We had an argument about this last year so can’t believe he decided to randomly contact her again over something .. clearly not innocent. Fishing for a conversation! 

I’m not upset at her I’d just like to have a decent chat so I have better reason to leave him properly. I already packed a few bags and am staying elsewhere but wanted closure so I don’t feel bad to sugar coat my leaving because I’d been less angry due to him saying he took lots of pills when I left .. didn’t want to live .. and I called the cops who found him groggy and took him to be assessed at the hospital. He’s done this before when I wanted to leave 

 

[glows]

It sounds questionable. I would wonder about the content of the messages or the mind behind them. Interest and attraction would be lost and the relationship would end. You're too stressed out and worried over random women over facebook - why live a life like that with someone you call a partner or boyfriend? You don't have to change him. All you need is to figure out whether you want the same life for yourself.

[d0nnivain]

Do not call her.   Your issue is with him not her.  She doesn't need to hear from you.  

[Ready2quit]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

It sounds questionable. I would wonder about the content of the messages or the mind behind them. Interest and attraction would be lost and the relationship would end. You're too stressed out and worried over random women over facebook - why live a life like that with someone you call a partner or boyfriend? You don't have to change him. All you need is to figure out whether you want the same life for yourself.

I asked a separate question in another thread as I was wondering if it’s a good idea to contact the woman to check. I could be wrong and they could’ve been good work mates .. he talks a lot to most people in real life

The content was innocent as described but seems like a typical way men fish for a chance to chat when they contact me in PM regarding something I post .. both randoms and male friends do it. 
 

im not changing him .. I’ve left him but I was hoping for some opinions on whether others think I’m overreacting over this or it could be “friends only.. innocent thoughtful msg”

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Ready2quit said:

i know I’ve been trying to leave often due to his distance during grieving and he stopped me but he shouldn’t be testing the waters if he so selfishly is stopping me from walking out by blocking the door etc 

You don't need to bother with all this worrying about his messaging.  If you want to leave, you can leave for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all.  

 

[Ready2quit]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do not call her.   Your issue is with him not her.  She doesn't need to hear from you.  

What I meant was to ask her as girls supporting other girls ... not accusing her as she did nothing wrong. She left the thread first and there was no flirtation on either side.

my issue is he should not be private messaging a workmate/friend that’s not close from 5 years ago. His reasons are that she called him recently for condolences etc and getting some truth from her about this would make my decision easier whether to cut him off entirely. I’ve ended our relationship but he keeps texting as if we will still be together .. I’m only remaining friendly with occasional texts back because of his volatile situation with depression 

[basil67]

She will likely have no desire to "support" either of you, as this is none of her business.   Don't call her - it will just look a bit crazy on your end.

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Ready2quit said:

I’ve left him but I was hoping for some opinions on whether others think I’m overreacting over this or it could be “friends only.. innocent thoughtful msg”

IMO you totally overreacted but since you have already left him, just stay gone.  He deserves to move forward. 

It's not about girls supporting girls.  Don't call her.  Only pot stirrers call the other people.  If you think your SO is cheating or behaving inappropriately you take that up with your SO privately . You don't go dragging everybody else into your relationship.  There is no need to air your dirty laundry.  If your SO is behaving in ways you do not like, you cannot police your SO by trying to run off every person they interact with.  Deal with your SO not the rest of the world.  

[Ready2quit]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You don't need to bother with all this worrying about his messaging.  If you want to leave, you can leave for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all.  

 

In usual circumstances I’d do that but he tried committing suicide after I left .. I’m being careful and wondered if I should get clarification in the rare case it was entirely innocent.

if not I’d just tell him to screw himself and contact friends to help keep him alive 

[d0nnivain]

Since you know he is suicidal, it's kind of you to enlist friends to keep him safe but now that you are broken up & his EX GF, it's not your responsibility.   If you want to go a step further, do tell his parents or another close relative but do not take it upon yourself.  Worst case scenario you call 9-11 & get them to send the police / possibly put him on a 72-hour psych hold.  

[basil67]

Him being suicidal after you leaving is no longer your problem.  And it's likely a manipulation technique on his part anyway - so reporting it to emergency services and then ignoring is your best option.   I know this approach sounds harsh, but my ex-h also attempted suicide after I left so I do know the shock you felt.  

Are you considering leaving him simply because he once messaged an old contact?  Or are you considering leaving because of a host of things over the years which leave you unhappy?

[Ready2quit]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She will likely have no desire to "support" either of you, as this is none of her business.   Don't call her - it will just look a bit crazy on your end.

Hmm I asked the question because of that. Yet when I thought if a woman wanted to save her time and called me to clarify something .. just being friendly and not angry .. I’d just let her know the truth of what her guy was to me and if there was more flirting attempted by him while we worked together or whatever. Better to be honest with her than waste her time if he was indeed a master player in disguise. 
I haven’t seen this behaviour from him before 

[Ready2quit]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you know he is suicidal, it's kind of you to enlist friends to keep him safe but now that you are broken up & his EX GF, it's not your responsibility.   If you want to go a step further, do tell his parents or another close relative but do not take it upon yourself.  Worst case scenario you call 9-11 & get them to send the police / possibly put him on a 72-hour psych hold.  

I’ve already done that .. 3 days after he begged and pleaded for me take him back and he’s innocent etc he attempted suicide and he was taken to the hospital after I called cops. 
I then visited him a few days later for Father’s Day because it would be really hard for him as he lost his dad recently and has no family nearby due to fcking lockdown problems with visits etc. Cvd has mostly ruined our relationship 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Ready2quit said:

I asked a separate question in another thread as I was wondering if it’s a good idea to contact the woman to check. I could be wrong and they could’ve been good work mates .. he talks a lot to most people in real life

The content was innocent as described but seems like a typical way men fish for a chance to chat when they contact me in PM regarding something I post .. both randoms and male friends do it. 
 

im not changing him .. I’ve left him but I was hoping for some opinions on whether others think I’m overreacting over this or it could be “friends only.. innocent thoughtful msg”

 

You don't need to contact her. Even if she responds in a somewhat decent manner or isn't annoyed with you would you believe it? You don't need to save her either from herself or him. Just extricate yourself and mind your own business, work on moving on. The relationship is over so this is a great relief. 

[Ready2quit]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

You don't need to contact her. Even if she responds in a somewhat decent manner or isn't annoyed with you would you believe it? You don't need to save her either from herself or him. Just extricate yourself and mind your own business, work on moving on. The relationship is over so this is a great relief. 

Not needing to save her .. just clarifying truth in case I was potentially incorrect 

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, Ready2quit said:

I’ve already done that .. 3 days after he begged and pleaded for me take him back and he’s innocent etc he attempted suicide and he was taken to the hospital after I called cops. 
I then visited him a few days later for Father’s Day because it would be really hard for him as he lost his dad recently and has no family nearby due to fcking lockdown problems with visits etc. Cvd has mostly ruined our relationship 

If you guys broke up in June why are you still all up in his business?   You said something about being away for a month & him giving you flowers.  If that wasn't recently, it's all ancient history, pre-break up.  If you are broken up, leave him alone.  

[Ready2quit]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

IMO you totally overreacted but since you have already left him, just stay gone.  He deserves to move forward. 

It's not about girls supporting girls.  Don't call her.  Only pot stirrers call the other people.  If you think your SO is cheating or behaving inappropriately you take that up with your SO privately . You don't go dragging everybody else into your relationship.  There is no need to air your dirty laundry.  If your SO is behaving in ways you do not like, you cannot police your SO by trying to run off every person they interact with.  Deal with your SO not the rest of the world.  

I haven’t actually contacted anyone to check about him .. funnily enough it was always him checking on me and picking up my phone to read my messages the times I’ve been tipsy. He was paranoid about all the messages I was getting but I was innocent and either not opening them or just responding to my male friends and always throwing in that I was taken in case I felt any of them were erring on flirtation and I brushed them off ..

the fact he kept accusing me of not deleting everyone and saying men are all just fishing to see in case you’re potentially single now annoys me that he ends up doing just that - contacting a friend regarding a post - which could have been done in the post comment section ! 

[d0nnivain]

The double standard is enough. I wouldn't put up with that. 

You said in the other thread you broke up before Father's Day.  So be done.  You made your decision.  What a bunch of strangers on the internet think, me included, shouldn't matter.  

[Ready2quit]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you guys broke up in June why are you still all up in his business?   You said something about being away for a month & him giving you flowers.  If that wasn't recently, it's all ancient history, pre-break up.  If you are broken up, leave him alone.  

No I left him a week ago .. I was away before I came back and we had that argument and I left. 
he’s not leaving me alone ... he pleads complete innocence (it wasn’t a flirtatious msg after all) so I guess I wanted some clarification on whether it’s worth still being friends. He’s  determined to have me back but I told him that won’t happen - he needs to sort out his life more than he needs a partner right now 

[d0nnivain]

You can't be friends in the immediate aftermath of a break up.  Don't even try.  

[Ready2quit]

Thanks for the feedback. I won’t contact her 

He did tell me the police had knocked on our neighbours door accidentally when they went for him so he had explained to them briefly what happened. He’s always chatting with them when he’s out for a smoke.. 

I met them briefly 

maybe next time if he messages me with self harm threats I can ask them to check on him? 
im just taking a while to respond to his messages right now .. he’s sending them as if we’re still together and still adding I love you, like he’s not wanting to face reality 

[basil67]

No, do not involve the neighbours - this is none of their business.  They will keep a look out for him if they choose to.   If you receive self harm threats, call emergency responders and leave it to them.

Once you have removed your belongings from the house and have any lease issues sorted out, block him on all methods of communication and he will cease to be your problem.