Dropped off like garbage

[liswil]

A year and a half ago, this guy at work starts talking to me. I was going through a very bad time and didn't want to talk to anyone. He persisted. The way he acted, I didn't think he was married---very, very flirtatious.

 

We got to be friends and he became more flirtatious---making a lot of sexual comments to me. But this was all done at work--except for going out for a drink one time.

 

Then my dad died and when I called him, he came right over. I thought it was because he cared but now I see it differently. He used it as an opportunity. This is the first time he made physical advances towards me. I didn't discourage him though. My dad had just died, a b/f had recently broken up with me, I was all alone and there he was.

 

The next time he came over was my b-day. This time he brought a bottle of wine. He said it was to celebrate my b-day but now I see this differently as well. I drank one glass of wine (barely) and he drank the rest of the bottle. Things got physical but we didn't have sex. He said to me "I wish you'd just rape me so I woudn't feel guilty." He also asked if I had condoms.

 

Looking back I now see that those times he was hoping *I'd* attack HIM. I didn't as I'm just not the type to.

 

We continued to be friends and the flirting and he began marriage counseling with his wife. Even during marriage counseling, he was still coming over occasionally and things progressed to oral sex.

 

Things still continued with the talking and flirting at work. He had just made some very suggestive comments to me last week. But it wasn't just sex--most of the time we just talked. He told me if it was just sex, he'd be f**king me every day. He convinced me since we never had intercourse and the physical stuff was occasional.

 

Then this past Thursday he got pretty nasty towards me and we both said some mean things.

He's gotten mean before sometimes but this was probably the worst. He acted so cold and nasty to me, I even hinted about his wife finding out things.

 

Then Friday we both apologized saying we just said them out of anger. Everything was wonderful Friday (in the phone conversation).

He told me we'd still see each other, how much he liked me, etc..

 

This Monday (3 days later) he calls me at work in the morning and tells me we need to talk. He told me let's drive somewhere I have to tell you something. He tells me he told his wife everything and can't talk to me or see me anymore. When he told me he said he didn't know why I was so upset and that I should be happy for him.

 

I was crying a lot as this had devastated me. During the conversation, I told him he won't know if I lose my job now (my job is uncertain right now and he was helping me maybe find something). He just said "oh I'm sure you'll find something." Then I told him "You wouldn't even know if I died. You'd have to read it in the paper." Then he said "Don't talk like that." I again said (crying): "You wouldn't even know if I died." And he said back: "I'll read about it in the paper."

 

Then he says he has to go somewhere and does he want him to drive me back to the building or do I want to walk? I get out of his car crying walking along the streets of downtown sobbing and he just drives right past me. I felt like garbage (or a hooker) just dumped off.

 

I now have to go back to work while he can just go home. He told me at work because that's what was convenient for him.

 

I call him on my cell phone crying and he just hangs up on me

[slubberdegullion]

Firstly, get a hold of yourself. Save the bawling for later.

 

He didn't drop you off in the middle of downtown. You got out of the car on your own.

 

I agree that he's an a**h***, but that leaves me a bit confused as to why you're so devastated. (Quick aside: no one is devastated by a relationship failure. If you want to see devastated families and people, head over to the India/Pakistan border right now.)

 

After all, you knew the fellow was married. So I'm really befuddled as to why you're so upset. Would it not make more sense to be thankful that this manipulative, cheating dude is now out of your life?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't call him again. Don't email him. Don't contact him. Don't contact his W, either and don't accept contact from her. Chances are, she was on to him for a while and has busted him finally. You won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know or suspect. She is choosing to stick it out and go to marriage counseling - and he is obviously making his choice to stay with her. Anything you do now, will simply be applied to the 'healing process'.

 

I know you may be thinking 'revenge', but there is no revenge to be had, either. Getting revenge means you take something away from the person they want - and right now, he doesn't want you, and he knows his wife isn't going anywere - so, there is nothing you can do or say that will have any effect except to piss him off further and make his wife that much more determined to form a united front against the "OW" to 'make it work'. He won't lose anything that he doesn't want to lose right now. His W will believe him over you, because he is showing her he wants to stay married to her.

 

So.. walk away.

 

You have an opportunity now to walk away from this. Take that opportunity and get out now while you have an 'out'. Take the steps to prevent him from coming back into your life should he decide to do so (and trust me, I have little doubt he would have anything but more pain to offer you). Change your number, your email address and your residence if you have to - and give him no way of finding you.

[whichwayisup]

He made his choice. His wife.

 

The only thing now you can do is move on. Grieve, let it all out - But DO NOT contact him at all.

 

In time, the pain will be less and you'll care less about him. I'm sure it won't be easy but it's somthing you have to do. There is no choice here if you want to move past this.

[liswil]

The reason I want to tell her is because I don't think he told her the truth. I think he told her that he had a onetime slip with me last year. (they started marriage counseling in January of this year and if she knew he was cheating all the while he was acting innocent in counseling, I think she'd think differently about him.)

 

I don't think she knows anywhere close to the truth.

 

I was in a relationship where someone cheated on me. I believed his stories---turns out they weren't even close to the truth--it took me years to figure that out. If I had known the truth, I'd have left him much sooner than I did.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Lis... there is one thing here that is not going to be easy to hear. The 'truth' is whatever she is going to accept for herself. Even if it not how it really is, nothing you say is going to change her mind or make the 'reconciliation' any less likely to happen. Chances are very high that now that he is so "sincere" about things, that she will believe anything he tells her, including any untruths like "the OW is a stalker", "the OW is a pathological liar", "the OW will stop at nothing to get what she wants", "the OW wants to hurt you" ... etc.

 

And you know why she will believe him? Because she wants to.

 

You can contact the W, but I'm sure he has already let her know to expect it and has already 'briefed' her on what you are likely to say. A guy like that doesn't tell his W that he cheated until his own ass is completely covered and he knows that he no longer has anything to lose.

 

It might give you some sense of 'closure' to tell her the truth, but I don't know that it will have much effect other than that. You may find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order if it gets bad enough. Just be careful.

[whichwayisup]

DO you really want her to know or are you hoping by telling her she will kick him out and then come to you? I'm not sure what you want to happen...

 

Either way, you have to make your own closure. Ruining her isn't going to make you feel any better...I think at the end of the day, you'll regret it.

 

He isn't your concern anymore and if you contact her, I agree with LB, who knows what may come your way...Including a RO.

[LexiB]

The reason I want to tell her is because I don't think he told her the truth. I think he told her that he had a onetime slip with me last year. (they started marriage counseling in January of this year and if she knew he was cheating all the while he was acting innocent in counseling, I think she'd think differently about him.)

 

I don't think she knows anywhere close to the truth.

 

I was in a relationship where someone cheated on me. I believed his stories---turns out they weren't even close to the truth--it took me years to figure that out. If I had known the truth, I'd have left him much sooner than I did.

 

 

Follow Lucrezia's advice hon. It's not your place to tell his wife anything--even if the lying jerk didn't tell her the whole truth. Besides, spouses who are cheated on usually have some inkling about what's going on. Odds are if he told her about "a slip up", she probably suspects more anyway.

 

And even if she doesn't suspect anything else, trust me, it won't do her any good to hear the details from the OW...seriously, can you imagine what that would be like for her?

 

You're hurting, understandably. But this guy or anything else concerning his life, isn't worth anymore of your energy.

 

...but you already know that, don't you?

[liswil]

 

It might give you some sense of 'closure' to tell her the truth, but I don't know that it will have much effect other than that. You may find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order if it gets bad enough. Just be careful.

 

 

I agree with the stuff you've said. However, why would I get a restraining order just for calling someone? They'd have to tell me not to call first.

 

Frankly I'm doing it because he treated me like dirt and he deserves it. Why should he get off scott free? If she doesn't want to believe it, then she's pretty stupid and in that case, serves her right I guess.

 

But you know---if I was his wife---I'd want to know if my husband messed around together in his car--in the seat she's used to sitting in.

[liswil]

DO you really want her to know or are you hoping by telling her she will kick him out and then come to you? I'm not sure what you want to happen...

 

Either way, you have to make your own closure. Ruining her isn't going to make you feel any better...I think at the end of the day, you'll regret it.

 

He isn't your concern anymore and if you contact her, I agree with LB, who knows what may come your way...Including a RO.

 

 

No, I'm not entertaining any thought of him coming back to me. Even if he would, I couldn't forget how he treated me the other day---just make her cry at work and drive right off.

 

In the past, there were times I did entertain that thought but not now. I'm going to try calling him one more time later---from a different number.

 

Personally I hope my message the other day saying I'd talk to his wife put him in the hospital with a REAL heart attack.

[liswil]

Follow Lucrezia's advice hon. It's not your place to tell his wife anything--even if the lying jerk didn't tell her the whole truth.

 

 

I don't see why it isn't.

[liswil]

You know, he's the one with the nice job, the nice house, the nice family. Why should he get to go back to that with no repercussions and I get crap?

 

Also, he's got a high profile job at work (we don't work together---just in the same building.) He knows a lot of people in the building as he deals with them in business matters.

 

Just a few weeks ago, he was flirting with me in the hall and this guy passed by. Turns out he knew the guy. Suddenly he acted really professional--talking to me about jobs. He introduced the guy to me telling the guy how he was talking to me about jobs. When the guy left, he told me that the guy knows his wife.

 

Then he went back to flirting very suggestively to me.

 

I just might run into that guy......

[whichwayisup]

Because it is over between the two of you and just reading what you wrote,

 

Frankly I'm doing it because he treated me like dirt and he deserves it. Why should he get off scott free? If she doesn't want to believe it, then she's pretty stupid and in that case, serves her right I guess.

 

But you know---if I was his wife---I'd want to know if my husband messed around together in his car--in the seat she's used to sitting in.

 

that isn't your place anymore to get involved. You will be messing with HER life as well as his. Yeah, be angry with him, but don't do this. It's called revenge and it's wrong. It's cruel too. She knows he cheated and you know what? SHE is in pain, as much and probably more than you! HE tooks vows, he broke them... He broke the marriage and her trust, faith in him. DO you know what that probably has done to her? Isn't that enough?

 

Don't do it. Really think about the consquences.

[whichwayisup]

with no repercussions and I get crap?

 

Uhmm, he now has to FIX his marriage, his life with his wife, friends, family and kids if he has any.

 

You are angry, that is fine, but don't do this out of anger and resentment. I think when you calm down and see the whole picture you will regret it if you do anything like you say you're going to do.

[liswil]

 

 

that isn't your place anymore to get involved. You will be messing with HER life as well as his. Yeah, be angry with him, but don't do this. It's called revenge and it's wrong. It's cruel too. She knows he cheated and you know what? SHE is in pain, as much and probably more than you!

 

 

I REALLY don't think he told her the truth--or close. I know she doesn't think that he's done that this year all the while in marriage counseling.

[liswil]

Uhmm, he now has to FIX his marriage, his life with his wife, friends, family and kids if he has any.

 

You are angry, that is fine, but don't do this out of anger and resentment. I think when you calm down and see the whole picture you will regret it if you do anything like you say you're going to do.

 

 

That's not true because he didn't really tell her.

[liswil]

I thought he was honest basically, but looking back, I don't he is.

I forgot to tell this part:

 

Apparently Saturday he ends up with chest pains over this and said he went to the hospital in an ambulance. (he's never had any problems before this.) He said his BP was very high and he said now he's on BP medicine. I asked him what kind. He said he didn't know--that it was at home. He said it's a white pill that you put under your tongue.

 

Well......BP medicine isn't a white pill that you put under your tongue---heart medicine is. And you dont take heart medicine (nitroglycerin) every day and you DEFINATELY don't keep it at home if you're at work.

 

And then he mentioned his heart muscle not working fully anymore. Yeah right....he didn't even have a heart attack. And if it was so bad, why did they let him right out?

 

I bought his story at the time the other day but later realized it didn't add up.

 

I wonder how many of his stories dont.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, it sounds like you have your mind made up. Go ahead and make that call. Just understand that she will be

 

a. expecting it, and will have been briefed on the "lies" you are going to tell her

b. her H will have her thinking you are some deranged dangerous stalker

 

Which leads us to

 

c. she isn't going to believe anything you say

 

When you implied to your MM that 'his W would find out' he probably went into extreme damage control mode and covered his bases entirely so that by the time you did so, there is no way his W would believe you.

 

But, if it brings you closure and will allow you to move on, then I guess that is what you have to do.

 

Understand that he will get off scot-free. He'll keep his family, his job, and his marriage. Why wouldn't he? His W is forgiving him, his work will go on like usual (unless you expose your affair to human resources - which will likely result in both your job losses), and his marriage is currently under repair. His W has accepted the only truth that she wants to hear: that her H was having an affair, and that he wants to work on his marriage. He apparently is a gifted liar - and the W is more likely to believe his lies than your truths.

 

Anything coming from the 'enemy' (you, as the OW) isn't going to be heeded as anything but sour grapes and will be met with the fury of the BS who is going to stop at nothing to see that you 'pay' for what you did. You will catch the full force of her anger, as she needs to be in 'forgiveness mode' with her H in order to make this marriage counseling work.

 

Your best bet is to simply turn and walk away while you have the chance to get off scot free yourself. But... if you do choose to make that call, do it with both eyes open and be prepared for the worst.

[whichwayisup]

I REALLY don't think he told her the truth--or close. I know she doesn't think that he's done that this year all the while in marriage counseling.

 

You don't think, but you don't know for sure. You don't know what goes on between them and closed doors.

 

lis, I know you're in pain and he treated you badly, but he doesn't owe you what he owes his wife now. It isn't up to you to decide what is best between them...You have to stay out of it and get him out of your heart!

 

He's a liar, you know that, he knows that and his wife knows too! Hello! He lied to her, let her down by cheating on her!

 

Again, I'm telling you, I think you getting involved in this is a huge mistake and you will regret it. This is a can of worms you don't want to open with them. Let it go.

[LauraBancroft]

Do you have any evidence? I mean do you have any email correspondence between the two of you? Or how about instant messages? See the same thing happened to my best friend but where she got out lucky is that she saved their entire chat histories along with his ISP number encoded in it that registered back to his computer and showed it all to his wife. So my suggestion is if you're going to tell her anything you need the proof to back it up.

[Hot Coco]

For what it's worth, I wouldn't do it. It's only going to make you look worse in everyone's eyes than you already do. Move on and chalk it up as one of life's lessons learned the hard way.

 

You can overcome this without dragging everyone down with you. He'll get his just desserts in time and the W IS the innocent party here and doesn't deserve that.

[Quest2]

Your best bet is to simply turn and walk away while you have the chance to get off scot free yourself. But... if you do choose to make that call, do it with both eyes open and be prepared for the worst

*very good advice

 

I agree with the other poster, she knows all that she needs to know you slept with her husband she doesn't need to know where or when, the only thing I would want to know is if you knew about me from the start, after that , nothing,

You want to revenge, you think he did you wrong, there's nothing to be gained here, it's over, you need to focus on yourself, getting a good job, and moving on, spend time with your friends learn from this,

[Confused Woman]

I’m going through a similar situation. My relationship with my MM just came to an end. He left his wife and then moved back in with her, and he wanted to keep our affair going on but I wasn’t having that. I have more respect for myself than to allow him to make me the OW again. I sent a love letter that the MM wrote me to his wife; we even talked on the phone about my long term affair with her husband. She took him back anyway; many times that’s what the wife does so chances are you telling her your story won’t make a bit of difference.

The MM and I work together as well. I say the best revenge is moving on. Go to work everyday looking great, smiling and acting like everything is wonderful; make him regret the day he ever let such a good thing go. Calling him constantly only makes you look desperate, and desperation is never attractive. Men can be pretty simple minded so you have to play their game. Ignore him; don’t let him know how much he hurt you.

I’m now realizing and you will too that this man actually did you a favor. He was never going to be the full time, committed partner you truly want anyway. So now he can stop wasting your time, you’re free to find someone who is worthy of you.

I’m also seeking counseling and giving myself time to heal.

[liswil]

The MM and I work together as well. I say the best revenge is moving on. Go to work everyday looking great, smiling and acting like everything is wonderful; make him regret the day he ever let such a good thing go. Calling him constantly only makes you look desperate, and desperation is never attractive. Men can be pretty simple minded so you have to play their game. Ignore him; don’t let him know how much he hurt you.

 

That might work if we worked together--but we don't. We just work in the same building and it's huge. That means I don't see him. If I did have to see him and could act as you said, it'd be better. But it's not.

 

I’m now realizing and you will too that this man actually did you a favor. He was never going to be the full time, committed partner you truly want anyway. So now he can stop wasting your time, you’re free to find someone who is worthy of you.

 

That made me feel even worse---that she is worth his commitment and I'm not.

[liswil]

Understand that he will get off scot-free. He'll keep his family, his job, and his marriage. Why wouldn't he? His W is forgiving him, his work will go on like usual (unless you expose your affair to human resources - which will likely result in both your job losses), and his marriage is currently under repair. His W has accepted the only truth that she wants to hear: that her H was having an affair, and that he wants to work on his marriage. He apparently is a gifted liar - and the W is more likely to believe his lies than your truths.

 

This REALLY REALLY made me feel awful. You make it sound like he used me for what he wanted and now gets his wonderful life.

Like "Haha--you're screwed and he comes out smelling like roses."

 

I really feel like just ending it after reading this.