Dropped off like garbage

[liswil]

IWould you really want to be with a guy who does not love you?! There are many others who will love you for YOU, but first it is important to know who YOU really are.

 

No one says anything is wrong with him-just that he doesn't love me. Like I'm not good enough. That's all people here keep saying---you weren't worth it enough to him to be loved.

 

Shoot--now I'm crying again.

 

 

These posts are really maknig me wonder why I'm still alive.

[allaboutchoices]

The truth is (and you might not see it) that he is an a**hole. He has disrespected you. You allowed him to do so. It's not that you are not worth his love, it's that HE is NOT WORTH YOUR LOVE.

The post above is all about that. Become YOU, respect your self. Please don't see these posts as us telling you that you are not worth loving. You pick the parts of the posts that 'fit' your feelings right now. It's OK to be going through 'self-pity', but don't drown your self in it, please.

[liswil]

The truth is (and you might not see it) that he is an a**hole. He has disrespected you. You allowed him to do so. It's not that you are not worth his love, it's that HE is NOT WORTH YOUR LOVE.

The post above is all about that. Become YOU, respect your self. Please don't see these posts as us telling you that you are not worth loving.

 

Thanks. I'm glad you said that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Why do you think he gets off free?

2. Most people I know who have been through the situation would disagree with that?

3. Do you think his home life is wonderful now?

4. Do you think he's happy at work now knowing that people in his building know about what he's done (I mentioned the other day in a voicemail that I talked to my coworkers about it)?

5. He's a guy who has to have this image to people of being perfect.

6. He's also mentioned several times how he's "very religious".

 

1. This affair will be nothing more than a hitch in the road on their continued marriage. They will do as couples do post affair: they will reconcile, and will see the affair as the 'thing that helped uncover the weaknesses they can work on to fix together as husband and wife'. In the long run, he will get off free in that he keeps everything, and you lose everything. It is an ugly, painful truth.

 

2. I didn't say it would be easy getting there - reconciliation is not an easy process. He isn't getting off 'free' and 'easy' - just ultimately free in the long run.

 

3. I doubt it - I expect it is horrible on his homefront. Reconciliation after an affair is painful. But... it is a road to rebuilding.

 

4. I think he probably files this under his "I'm glad I got rid of her when I did" file. Everything you do like that will only make him glad that it is over. He will not feel regret or remorse for his actions toward you: only anger in that you exposed them.

 

5. Which is why people are going to see you as the 'bad' one, and him as the 'victim'. He'll make you out to be a bunny boiler, and will maintain his image. You, on the other hand are victim to the stereotype of OW and few if any people are going to sympathise with you.

 

6. Again, he's an "upstanding citizen" who "strayed from the good path" and now has the "scarlet woman" who is trying to "further damage his life in his time of greatest need" (other people's perceptions). People will forgive him. People will not forgive you.

 

I'm not saying this to anger you - only to open your eyes to the stereotypes and the very, very hard road you have ahead of you. When you are walking on a stony dangerous road in the middle of the night, would you rather have someone lead you blindly with sweet and caring words, or someone to shine a cold hard light down on the hard path you have to walk on so that you can see what dangers are there? Not everything that people show you in terms of a 'way out' is going to be pretty.

 

You have been hurt, you are depressed, and you are confused and angry. Force yourself to look at the ugliest and most painful things here - the stereotypes you have to face, the fact that this MM is going to ultimately lose nothing, and try to see it this way: you have a choice - stay on this painful path, and continue to revisit it or walk off of it without a backward glance so that you can get your head and heart back together.

 

If you want to feel better, start by walking out of this painful situation and keep on walking. Eventually you'll see that you, your life and your happiness are worth far more than this MM was expecting you to settle for.

[slubberdegullion]

Lis;

 

Get in touch with reality, ok?

 

Allaboutchoices is absolutely right. We could argue the specifics but that won't solve the problem. The issue, as far as I can tell, seems to be a definite lack of self-esteem. Obviously, your hub likes it that way because you're easier to control.

 

Get some control back. See a counsellor, a good one. And keep in touch with reality. Reality says that you have worth, even if you do not see it right now.

[allaboutchoices]

 

When you are walking on a stony dangerous road in the middle of the night, would you rather have someone lead you blindly with sweet and caring words, or someone to shine a cold hard light down on the hard path you have to walk on so that you can see what dangers are there? Not everything that people show you in terms of a 'way out' is going to be pretty.

 

Very eye opening and very true.

Thanks LB.

I've been over my MM, and that's exactly the path I chose to walk. Not pretty, but very clear.

[liswil]

After what Lucrezia posted, I've started crying agan.. She makes it sound like he's smelling like roses and I'm dirt. I think she must have had a really bad experience.

 

I thought about what she said and about what I know and wondered why I'm sitting here believing her? All I can say is that I have known many many marriages that don't survive cheating. I have friends who have been married and they didn't stay with the person. Some do---many don't and the ones who do--it's often not good. You don't just regain trust and many times, you NEVER regain trust. Their marriage was ALREADY rocky---now it's rockier.

 

No, I''m afraid he's not going to look good in the community. Most of the people I know at work who know about him now think he's scum. In fact, due to the type of job he has, it can affect HIS job.

 

Even the guys high up there would think he's scum. He once suddenly acted professional towards me when a guy came by who knew his wife. The guys at work see me as a vulnerable, fragile and nice person. Trust me, they'd be pretty pissed off at a guy who took advantage of that. The people who know already feel that way. I'm not your usual ---I'll just go out and meet my needs and who cares about anyone else--kind of person.

 

This guy used my dad's death as an opportunity to make moves on me--while I thought he cared. You think they think well of him???

 

 

So no, LB---maybe that's how things worked out for you and I'm sorry that they did. But I beg to differ. This guys' life is not going to be all roses and mine dirt like you say. Even people who work FOR him would hate him for what he did if they knew.

[whichwayisup]

No one says anything is wrong with him-just that he doesn't love me. Like I'm not good enough. That's all people here keep saying---you weren't worth it enough to him to be loved.

 

Shoot--now I'm crying again.

 

 

These posts are really maknig me wonder why I'm still alive.

 

I know you're hurting, but you're self inflicting here. HE IS MARRIED!! He picked his wife. I'm sorry he isn't with you, but honestly he sounds like an a**h***, makes you feel like s*** most of the time and then, you internalize it! Like ALL of us are just saying he didn't pick you - That doesn't mean he didn't love you, he just picked his wife. I'm sure if you two had hooked up when he was single it would be a different ballgame.

 

Lis, you have to stop focussing on the s*** stuff, the bad feelings and move past this. The choice is made, you don't like it but it's out of your control. So, take back the control, get pissed off and say "f*** it I am NOT letting him make me feel bad about me!" Grieve, cry, vent...But DO things that will make you feel good, don't focus just on this guy. He isn't worthy of you! Start looking at it like that. It's HIS loss he let you go. That may/may not make you feel better, but atleast it will get you out of this negative frame of mind you have about yourself.

[liswil]

I know you're hurting, but you're self inflicting here. HE IS MARRIED!! He picked his wife. I'm sorry he isn't with you, but honestly he sounds like an a**h***, makes you feel like s*** most of the time and then, you internalize it! Like ALL of us are just saying he didn't pick you - That doesn't mean he didn't love you, he just picked his wife. I'm sure if you two had hooked up when he was single it would be a different ballgame.

 

 

You keep saying how he picked his wife---like she won the prize. I guess I can't believe I'm hearing that. It still seems like women believe that whomever gets the guy wins the prize---no matter what he's like. I thought that type of thinking was long past.

 

Would you want someone keeping you who wasn't attracted to you, thought about someone else all the time, stayed with you for the kids or for financial reasons???

I'd hate to know someone was staying with me for any of those reasons.

 

I know the guy doesn't want to be married and never has. I don't mean that he doesn't want to be married because of me because that's not true. I truly think he feels stuck. But everyone is still making it sound like she won the prize.

[allaboutchoices]

Lis,

You will deny this, but I honestly believe that you are hoping he will come back to you.

Let him go. Let it go. Cut your losses, deal with it, heal (take as much time as you need). You need to accept it, let go . Stop thinking about what you HAD. It's never coming back.

Let them be. Hope for the best. If you really love him, you want him to be happy - with/out you.

For your own sake, like LB said, walk away and never look back.

Cry your eyes out, scream, break something. Do whatever it takes, just make sure you don't hurt your self or anyone else anymore. Damage is done, it's time to live and learn again.

GOod luck!

[allaboutchoices]

You keep saying how he picked his wife---like she won the prize. I guess I can't believe I'm hearing that. It still seems like women believe that whomever gets the guy wins the prize---no matter what he's like. I thought that type of thinking was long past.

 

.

She didn't win the prize. You did. He did you a favor. She has to live with him and the fact that he has cheated.

Wish them good luck and look at it as you were the winner. You got the best of him. Take it and be thankful he is gone.

[whichwayisup]

You keep saying how he picked his wife---like she won the prize. I guess I can't believe I'm hearing that. It still seems like women believe that whomever gets the guy wins the prize---no matter what he's like. I thought that type of thinking was long past.

 

Would you want someone keeping you who wasn't attracted to you, thought about someone else all the time, stayed with you for the kids or for financial reasons???

I'd hate to know someone was staying with me for any of those reasons.

 

I know the guy doesn't want to be married and never has. I don't mean that he doesn't want to be married because of me because that's not true. I truly think he feels stuck. But everyone is still making it sound like she won the prize.

 

But it's her choice to take him back and she did. Lis, you have to cope with that reality because that is what it is...The reality of the situation. HE TOOK VOWS and I guess he's living up to them by working on the marriage. Maybe she will regret it, I don't know, but right now this is what is happening.

 

It's YOU who is interpretting this as she won him as a prize. Your way of thinking is making you feel worse than you have to feel. Can't you see that?

 

Everything I say, you twist around to make it sound like I'm attacking you and purposely making you feel bad...I'm not. Now I see what you're doing, you want to feel bad, so no matter what anybody else says you have your mind made up to stay in the bad emotional state you're in.

 

I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, it's not my intention at all. I just see things very clearly and right now this pain you're in, you can't understand or even try to understand what we're all saying.

[liswil]

She didn't win the prize. You did. He did you a favor. She has to live with him and the fact that he has cheated.

Wish them good luck and look at it as you were the winner. You got the best of him. Take it and be thankful he is gone.

 

 

Well that's sure what it sounded like a lot of people were saying here. Sure, she has a guy who whips it out so easily--in his car with me sittng in "her" seat, at work, etc...... But hey, she has HIM and you---poor thing--don't. That seems to be what people here have been saying.

[wanda1974]

Lis,

Get a life.... All your doing is feeling sorry for yourself. The posters in here...especially LB, are being brutally honest. You need to hear the TRUTH, not sugar coated truths. I read through this WHOLE THREAD, and not once did LB say you weren't worth it. She didn't put you down once:mad: ...You're trying to blame, yet another person, for how YOU FEEL. Let this a**h*** go, and all the memories!!!!!!! You even pointed out how "he used a death in your family to put the moves on you"....DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU ENOUGH ABOUT THIS D*CKLESS WONDER????????????

[liswil]

Now I see what you're doing, you want to feel bad, so no matter what anybody else says you have your mind made up to stay in the bad emotional state you're in.

 

No. I'm afraid that's not true--at all. That---I'm sure of.

[allaboutchoices]

I just wanna add to W's post that many of us who are trying to help you have been there.

We felt like sh*t, and that's why we know that it gets better.

We have been there, we know it doesn't seem like you can live normally, you can't see many things.

That's why we are here to help, because we have different experiences and perceptions.

But you MUST want to feel better. Otherwise we are all wasting our time.

I truly wish you could open your eyes to what other people have to say. Many or the points made here have proven themselves with time. Sucks to admit it, but mostly true.

[liswil]

Lis,

Get a life.... All your doing is feeling sorry for yourself. The posters in here...especially LB, are being brutally honest. You need to hear the TRUTH, not sugar coated truths. I read through this WHOLE THREAD, and not once did LB say you weren't worth it. She didn't put you down once:mad: ...You're trying to blame, yet another person, for how YOU FEEL. Let this a**h*** go, and all the memories!!!!!!! You even pointed out how "he used a death in your family to put the moves on you"....DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU ENOUGH ABOUT THIS D*CKLESS WONDER????????????

 

 

Then explain to me why LB thinks he's got such a rosy life now and looks wonderful?

[allaboutchoices]

My only advice is you need to stop thinking about him and his life. You are driving your self crazy.

He has a good life - fine.

His life is hel! - fine.

Don't care. It's not your business anymore. Learn to forgive....him AND yourself

[liswil]

I just wanna add to W's post that many of us who are trying to help you have been there.

We felt like sh*t, and that's why we know that it gets better.

We have been there, we know it doesn't seem like you can live normally, you can't see many things.

That's why we are here to help, because we have different experiences and perceptions.

But you MUST want to feel better. Otherwise we are all wasting our time.

I truly wish you could open your eyes to what other people have to say. Many or the points made here have proven themselves with time. Sucks to admit it, but mostly true.

 

What points are you referrring to that have been found proven?

 

I do think some things that have been said are true. But I also have seen some things that are not true and I've seen it firsthand. I've also BEEN in the W's situation myself.

Let me tell you---after mine cheated on me and I found out---his life wasn't all roses. Not by a longshot. And I didn't see HER as the bad one. And while I stayed with him for awhile (out of fear of being alone), it didn't last because I never trusted him again.

[wanda1974]

Sorry guys, have to log off now....I have a date with Lis's MM..... ...just kidding, my workday is over. I will be back on tomorrow. Lis, I really do hope you feel better, life is too short to let any man take anything away from us....

[whichwayisup]

mine cheated on me and I found out---his life wasn't all roses. Not by a longshot. And I didn't see HER as the bad one. And while I stayed with him for awhile (out of fear of being alone), it didn't last because I never trusted him again.

 

But his wife could handle it differently than you. Noone's the same when it comes to dealing with this stuff. Yes, the trust issue will be ongoing, but if both parties decide to work their asses off (Hense Dazed, Thumbs, Owl in their situations, they are not giving up on their wives, even though their wives cheated) it can be better.

 

No. I'm afraid that's not true--at all. That---I'm sure of.

 

Explain to me what you mean then. From where I sit, everybody has shown you a new angle to handle this to make you feel better, yet you're refusing to open your eyes slightly and try. It's okay to reveal in the pain, but take a break from it, stop beating up on yourself and making it worse.

[liswil]

But his wife could handle it differently than you. Noone's the same when it comes to dealing with this stuff. Yes, the trust issue will be ongoing, but if both parties decide to work their asses off (Hense Dazed, Thumbs, Owl in their situations, they are not giving up on their wives, even though their wives cheated) it can be better.

 

 

 

Explain to me what you mean then. From where I sit, everybody has shown you a new angle to handle this to make you feel better, yet you're refusing to open your eyes slightly and try. It's okay to reveal in the pain, but take a break from it, stop beating up on yourself and making it worse.

 

Can you tell me if any of those people had a spouse who had a long term affair?

 

No, I'm not refusing to see it. I've known quite a few couples who this has happened to.

 

It seems ike you're not wanting to see or bend on what *I'm* saying. So I'm the only one who needs to bend right? And because we've had three people here stay in their marriages then that's what usually happens, right?

 

You'd probably have to be in the situation yourself to understand. And if she doesn't care that he lied to her for a long time and went behind her back and messed around with someone, etc...... Then ---would you want someone who that didn't bother??? I wouldn't.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. After what Lucrezia posted, I've started crying agan..

2. She makes it sound like he's smelling like roses and I'm dirt.

3. I think she must have had a really bad experience.

4. So no, LB---maybe that's how things worked out for you and I'm sorry that they did.

5. But I beg to differ. This guys' life is not going to be all roses and mine dirt like you say.

6. Even people who work FOR him would hate him for what he did if they knew.

 

1. Cry. Get angry. Yell. Let it out. Curse. Kick things. No need to keep it bottled up.

 

2. I never said that. He will stay married. If that is 'roses' to you, and what you have 'dirt' - then it is unfortunate you see it that way. What I would love for you to see is that YOU have the 'roses'. YOU get the chance to walk away and start anew. YOU have freedom now to shape your life like you want. YOU are the one who can walk away 'free'. Why do you have these things? Because MM did you a favor by walking out of your life so that you could have the chance to walk away and find a true happiness for yourself.

 

3. I hate to admit this - and it makes me sound like a bad person, but I didn't have bad experiences. I was just the one causing them for others. I was no better than your MM. Worse, probably.

 

4. See above.

 

5. This guy will stay married. He will not lose anything. You, on the other hand have a broken heart. I don't see his situation as 'roses'. I don't see your situation as 'dirt'. I see what he did to you not as "the cut that killed you" but "the cut that freed you".

 

6. That's just it - they may not like it, but they will forgive him - because that's what people do for wayward spouses. Because he chose to "preserve the sanctity of marriage" HE gets the forgiveness. Since you were "interfering" in said "sanctity of marriage" - you will get nothing but scorn. Is that fair? Is that how it should be or how it really is? No! But one thing you cannot change are people's perceptions of the situation. Like it or not, people are going to be more forgiving of him than they are going to be sympathetic to you. Here's something to consider. If you walk away, without another word - YOU CAN AVOID THIS.

 

You have to get yourself out of this mindset of 'roses' and 'dirt'. Right now you have it backward. Just because this guy is married, and is going to stay married and you ended up broken hearted DOES NOT mean that he came out 'good' and you came out 'bad'. It is a matter of perception.

 

Until you see that you did indeed come out for the better in this situation, you are going to remain trapped in it. You weren't abandoned - you were FREED.

[Hot Coco]

Why do you want him then? If he does what your exH did, why would you want him? Do you think he'd be any different with you?

 

I don't really understand what you need from people on here. What do you want them to say to you? He's a ****. You already know that. But for some reason you seem to still want him. Some women only go after liars and cheaters. Maybe that's your thing, I don't know.

 

People have been very supportive of you on this thread I think. But you lash out at them. What would be helpful to you? What do you want to hear?

 

Is this what you want to hear?

 

"He's a total sh-t. He's going to live the rest of his life in total misery. You did nothing at all wrong by getting involved with him. None of this is any of your fault. You were misled. You're an innocent victim who didn't deserve any of this. He should have fallen madly in love with you and left his wife. He's a real ass for not doing that."

 

Does that help? Somehow, I don't think you're going to be happy with that either.

 

You're in the "anger" stage. After anger, you should have acceptance. And when you enter the acceptance stage you will see that these posts were well-meaning. You can't see that now. To you, everyone is being mean. It's just like my son. When I lecture him about something he did wrong, he stomps his feet, tells me I'm mean and that he hates me. And later, he comes back and hugs me and says "I love you Mom. I don't hate you and you were right."

 

If it makes you feel better to beat up on me. Go ahead. I don't mind...I'm kind of used to it now on here;)

[whichwayisup]

Can you tell me if any of those people had a spouse who had a long term affair?

 

No, I'm not refusing to see it. I've known quite a few couples who this has happened to.

 

It seems ike you're not wanting to see or bend on what *I'm* saying. So I'm the only one who needs to bend right? And because we've had three people here stay in their marriages then that's what usually happens, right?

 

You'd probably have to be in the situation yourself to understand. And if she doesn't care that he lied to her for a long time and went behind her back and messed around with someone, etc...... Then ---would you want someone who that didn't bother??? I wouldn't.

 

Obviously you didn't read Thumbs, Dazed and Owl's situation. If you're curious, do a search on their names, their story's are there for you to read. I'm not generalizing, I used those three as examples. No, ofcourse not "everybody" stays in their marriage, or even attempts to make it worse. I'm sure there are tons who just close the door and walk away...

 

I didn't say you HAVE to bend, I'm suggesting to you to look at things a different way to make it easier on you. That's all. Noone is attacking you, we're trying to help and if getting mad at me or LB, anyone else makes you feel better, then keep on going that way if it is helping you. I'm just trying to help and if you feel I'm not, I'm sorry.