Dropped off like garbage

[allaboutchoices]

HotCoco (hey, long time no see)

I think Lis is still mostly in denial. It's a hard stage to be in. Your mind doesn't want to let go, because it hurts more to realize that it's over. That's where anger comes in. We fight it.

I have read a great article about surrending your self to the feelings. To not direct your thoughts, to just let them go.

I've done that. Gosh did it hurt! But it sped-up the healing process SO MUCH!

Lis, we all are repeating each other here. We all agree that you need to want to be healing, and that means you need to open your eyes, walk away from the situation, and get on with your own life.

Wondering about MM's life will not do any good. At all.

[liswil]

5. This guy will stay married. He will not lose anything. You, on the other hand have a broken heart. I don't see his situation as 'roses'. I don't see your situation as 'dirt'. I see what he did to you not as "the cut that killed you" but "the cut that freed you".

 

6. That's just it - they may not like it, but they will forgive him - because that's what people do for wayward spouses. Because he chose to "preserve the sanctity of marriage" HE gets the forgiveness. Since you were "interfering" in said "sanctity of marriage" - you will get nothing but scorn. Is that fair? Is that how it should be or how it really is? No! But one thing you cannot change are people's perceptions of the situation. Like it or not, people are going to be more forgiving of him than they are going to be sympathetic to you. Here's something to consider. If you walk away, without another word - YOU CAN AVOID THIS.

 

You have to get yourself out of this mindset of 'roses' and 'dirt'. Right now you have it backward. Just because this guy is married, and is going to stay married and you ended up broken hearted DOES NOT mean that he came out 'good' and you came out 'bad'. It is a matter of perception.

 

Until you see that you did indeed come out for the better in this situation, you are going to remain trapped in it. You weren't abandoned - you were FREED.

 

You've said a lot of things that you really don't know are true. You can't predict whether he'll stay married. You can't predict this won't tear them apart either. This guy was cheating WHILE in marriage counseling. This is a guy who was making sexual comments to me at work not long after meeting me. This is a guy who told because he wanted to tell "his" version when he found out that the real version might get out to her. (which was my fault for saying to him and I regret that now because I lost him.)

 

Anyway, do you really think someone suddenly is going to change his spots?

 

And lucky for you that you were a cheat who came out smelling like roses. I've known many who didn't.

[liswil]

HotCoco (hey, long time no see)

I think Lis is still mostly in denial. It's a hard stage to be in. Your mind doesn't want to let go, because it hurts more to realize that it's over. That's where anger comes in. We fight it.

I have read a great article about surrending your self to the feelings. To not direct your thoughts, to just let them go.

I've done that. Gosh did it hurt! But it sped-up the healing process SO MUCH!

Lis, we all are repeating each other here. We all agree that you need to want to be healing, and that means you need to open your eyes, walk away from the situation, and get on with your own life.

Wondering about MM's life will not do any good. At all.

 

 

So if I discuss things about him, then I'm in denial? I can't discuss it?

 

 

Also, I feel like it's all my fault that it's over.

[whichwayisup]

 

Also, I feel like it's all my fault that it's over.

 

It's not all your fault. Why would you think that?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You've said a lot of things that you really don't know are true. You can't predict whether he'll stay married. You can't predict this won't tear them apart either. This guy was cheating WHILE in marriage counseling. This is a guy who was making sexual comments to me at work not long after meeting me. This is a guy who told because he wanted to tell "his" version when he found out that the real version might get out to her. (which was my fault for saying to him and I regret that now because I lost him.)

 

Do you know how much of this matters? None of it, because he will not end up with you regardless of what happens on his end. Time for you to take your focus away from him and his life, and figure out what direction to take yours.

[Hot Coco]

Hi Choices! Yes, I've been reading more than posting lately. I'll bet there are a LOT of people happy about that!

 

How is it your fault Lis that it ended? He's in marriage counseling. Sounds like he would have eventually ended it no matter what. You should be glad that it ended. YOU should have ended it...well, really it should have never started but...

 

I still don't understand why you'd want a man like this? Don't you think you deserve better? Who cares how "worldy" or intelligent he is. He's still a loser in many people's eyes.

[allaboutchoices]

Originally Posted by liswil

 

Also, I feel like it's all my fault that it's over.

 

And isn't it better now then later?

What did you expect from that relationship? (not judging, just asking)

[garner]

Liswil, whatever people say to you right now, and however well they mean, you're going to carry on using it to make yourself feel worse. I'm not criticizing you for that. It's just what people tend to do when they're feeling as low as you're feeling right now. You need some help to turn the way you're feeling around and start getting out of this well of sadness you're in.

 

If you haven't done it already, make a doctor's appointment, be straight with him about how you're feeling right now, find out about counselling and check whether there's a need for you to be on meds. Doctors and counsellors can't change what you've been through lately, but they can help you to get yourself into a better state to deal with it.

 

Many people need that sort of help at some point in their lives, and it sounds as if now is your time to look for that help. Once you start feeling a bit more in control of things, you might be ready to examine what happened with this guy and what impact it's had on you. I wish you all the best, and hope that things start getting better for you soon.

[liswil]

It's not all your fault. Why would you think that?

Because if I hadn't mentioned telling his wife (he was acting very cold and mean to me), then he wouldn't have told her.

See, what happened was---he figured he'd tell his wife before I did. That way he could give his version of it and wouldn't feel guilty anymore. I believe he told her that he comforted me when my dad died last year and things got out of hand. I don't think he told her anything happened since then. They started marriage counseling in January of this year. I think he led her to believe that we've just been friends who talk at work since that happened last year.

 

So anyway, he told her and he told me that she didn't mind the sex part so much but more the friendship. He wonders now if SHE'S having an affair because of not caring about anything physical happening between us. Anyway that's why he can't talk to me anymore. So now I lost him as a friend and it's my fault.

[allaboutchoices]

So now I lost him as a friend and it's my fault.

Once you started the A, you had lost a friend. That is the true side of affairs. Usually you lose more than you gain, as the gain is temporary causing mroe pain when it ends.

Not to mention that if it was a true friendship, the A woldn't had happened in the first place. True friends would protect each other from getting hurt, and protect their loved ones from getting hurt.

I'm not judging. I've been there. That's what I've come to realize.

[allaboutchoices]

So if I discuss things about him, then I'm in denial? I can't discuss it?

I meant that you are in denial about your situation. You are still hoping that you can have back what you used to have, and that you can have the MM.

[whichwayisup]

Because if I hadn't mentioned telling his wife (he was acting very cold and mean to me), then he wouldn't have told her.

See, what happened was---he figured he'd tell his wife before I did. That way he could give his version of it and wouldn't feel guilty anymore. I believe he told her that he comforted me when my dad died last year and things got out of hand. I don't think he told her anything happened since then. They started marriage counseling in January of this year. I think he led her to believe that we've just been friends who talk at work since that happened last year.

 

So anyway, he told her and he told me that she didn't mind the sex part so much but more the friendship. He wonders now if SHE'S having an affair because of not caring about anything physical happening between us. Anyway that's why he can't talk to me anymore. So now I lost him as a friend and it's my fault.

 

He's lying to you and to his wife. If you want to take ALL the blame that you lost him, shoulder that responsibility then go for it...I think it was going to end either way and maybe you just gave it a push to help it along... I agree with the other poster who said you lost him as your friend when the A started. It's alot harder to maintain a friendship after an A and sadly in your situation being friends with him will cause more harm to you and to him, his wife and his marriage.

 

He is as much responsible as you are, so DO NOT take ALL the blame in this because it ended and he doesn't talk to you like he did before.

[liswil]

What I've found interesting here is that no one has said how the wife doesn't have much---how she has a liar and cheater who only told her because he was afraid someone else would--and only gave her a very, very mild version of the truth.

 

Instead people here have been acting like she won the prize. "He picked her".

Again, it shows me that we still think whomever gets the guy is the winner.

 

Plus, this guy travels a lot. I know if I were the w I wouldn't feel too good about that after this happened. Then again, she still doesn't know it ALL.

[TheDiva]

What I've found interesting here is that no one has said how the wife doesn't have much---how she has a liar and cheater who only told her because he was afraid someone else would--and only gave her a very, very mild version of the truth.

 

Instead people here have been acting like she won the prize. "He picked her".

Again, it shows me that we still think whomever gets the guy is the winner.

 

Plus, this guy travels a lot. I know if I were the w I wouldn't feel too good about that after this happened. Then again, she still doesn't know it ALL.

 

 

Can you step away from the situation long enough to re-read what you have posted and try to give this "stranger" some advice? Give it an honest try please. Read through this thread like you are going to give this person some advice, What would you say to her?

[liswil]

Pretty much what I've just posted.

[lust4life]

It is interesting how differently everyone can interpret posts. You seem to really view peoples words differently than I think they intended. Maybe, it's because of where your frame of mind is and I don't belittle your pain, I do want to point a few things out that you can think about to take yourself to a better frame of mind.

 

He didn't dump you out, he gave you an option and you chose to get out. So, that should make you feel less trashed. Right?

 

You may not have KNOWN he was married within the first few flirting sessions but you did know and conitinued to interact in a situation you knew was not healthy or a good life choice. So, he didn't really use you, you chose to be with him. That should give you more of your self reflection and power so that you can avoid this in the future. He didn't use you, YOU knew what you were doing and used him, you used him for comfort when someone died and used him as a fill in boyfriend even though you knew he was married.

 

His wife doesn't win HIM. She was married to him before this happened and they will deal with it for years to come. You can not help their marriage become better, and you may not be able to harm it either. Maybe, you should give her some information from your point of view, maybe that's what you need to do.

 

You have nothing less and nothing more than you had when you first met this man, he didn't give or take anything from you and you didn't give or take anything from him. He had his family, his house, his job before you ad you had your job, your living accomodations and your family before you meet him. YOU are not left with nothing.

 

Did you play scenarios of happily ever after in your head while "with" him? Did you make this into more than it was without voicing it, and that's why it's so painful? I really didn't see hurtful and mean spirited words but then I did skim a few posts as really only the original poster is the topic poster. There are times when the nitty gritty pulling apart of others posters post just don't interest me. But, I do think most people try to be helpful and try to see the posters point of view.

 

Please rethink some of your statements so that you can get to a better place for yourself.

[liswil]

 

He didn't dump you out, he gave you an option and you chose to get out. So, that should make you feel less trashed. Right?

 

 

No that's not correct at all. He did dump me out of the car practically. He didn't give me any choices. I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

 

And three days before that, he told me just the opposite. When he did that, it made me feel so good. It made me feel like we could get mad at each other and say things but then apologize and makeup.

But now it's made me realize that it's just like everyone else in my life. Once I show any emotion or get mad, they're gone for good.

 

 

You may not have KNOWN he was married within the first few flirting sessions but you did know and conitinued to interact in a situation you knew was not healthy or a good life choice. So, he didn't really use you, you chose to be with him. That should give you more of your self reflection and power thta you think he took back. He didn't use you, YOU knew what you were doing and used him.

 

You go through your dad dying slowly over a year's time, with one day looking good and the next day looking grim--and repeat that for a year. Then add to that, having a partner who swore to you when you asked him, that nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between the two of you, suddenly leave you.

Combine that with finding out your job might end.

Combine that with two surgeries of your own that you went through ENTIRELY alone.

Combine that with finding out you have some precancerous cells that need to be watched and biopsied (unrelated to the two other surgeries).

 

You do all of that---and then ask yourself if you're really thinking clearly,k?

 

(btw, did you read the part about this guy using my dad's death to make moves on me?)

[lindya]

You go through your dad dying slowly over a year's time, with one day looking good and the next day looking grim--and repeat that for a year. Then add to that, having a partner who swore to you when you asked him, that nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between the two of you, suddenly leave you.

Combine that with finding out your job might end.

Combine that with two surgeries of your own that you went through ENTIRELY alone.

Combine that with finding out you have some precancerous cells that need to be watched and biopsied (unrelated to the two other surgeries).

 

Do you have anyone around to help you out and give you support right now, Liswil? You've being subjected to several of the most stressful life events in what sounds like a relatively short period of time, and I would have thought a solid support network is absolutely essential for you just now. Would you get access to any counselling services either through work or the hospital you're receiving treatment from?

[whichwayisup]

Then my dad died and when I called him, he came right over. I thought it was because he cared but now I see it differently. He used it as an opportunity. This is the first time he made physical advances towards me. I didn't discourage him though. My dad had just died, a b/f had recently broken up with me, I was all alone and there he was.

 

He DID care at that time, if he didn't he would not have come over. Now, he made moves on you, you accepted them. Maybe that was wrong, but it happened Lis. You didn't say no. This is both your faults.

 

The next time he came over was my b-day. This time he brought a bottle of wine. He said it was to celebrate my b-day but now I see this differently as well. I drank one glass of wine (barely) and he drank the rest of the bottle. Things got physical but we didn't have sex. He said to me "I wish you'd just rape me so I woudn't feel guilty." He also asked if I had condoms.

 

Looking back I now see that those times he was hoping *I'd* attack HIM. I didn't as I'm just not the type to.

 

You're so quick to write off this experience as he didn't care. If he didn't, he would not have bothered even being friends with you to begin with. The problem is now, you're inlove with him and not looking at this as a 'friend' angle. You're looking at it as love. Big difference.

 

No that's not correct at all. He did dump me out of the car practically. He didn't give me any choices. I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

This is your quote below:

 

Then he says he has to go somewhere and does he want him to drive me back to the building or do I want to walk? I get out of his car crying walking along the streets of downtown sobbing and he just drives right past me. I felt like garbage (or a hooker) just dumped off.

 

He didn't "dump" you off. He asked you point blank if you want a drive back or do you want to walk. You chose to get out of the car and walk. So he left. He was pissed off, you were pissed off. I see it clear, plain as day. I don't understand why you don't, Lis. He didn't push you out of the car. You're upset because he didn't chase you and get you back into the car.

 

But now it's made me realize that it's just like everyone else in my life. Once I show any emotion or get mad, they're gone for good.

 

Then if you recognize you have issues, go to Therapy and deal with them head on. Learn from your mistakes, better yourself as a person. Don't sit and stew in the s***, DO something about it! Sorry to sound harsh, but the more you focus on this stuff and take a "why did I deserve this, why did I do 'x,y,z' and now I'm suffering for it, the worse off you're going to feel.

 

You go through your dad dying slowly over a year's time, with one day looking good and the next day looking grim--and repeat that for a year. Then add to that, having a partner who swore to you when you asked him, that nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between the two of you, suddenly leave you.

Combine that with finding out your job might end.

Combine that with two surgeries of your own that you went through ENTIRELY alone.

Combine that with finding out you have some precancerous cells that need to be watched and biopsied (unrelated to the two other surgeries).

 

You do all of that---and then ask yourself if you're really thinking clearly,k?

 

You can't put all the blame on this MM making the moves on you. You even said it yourself, you didn't discourage him. So, he kept on going. I'm sure if you'd said no, the timing isn't right, he would have stopped.

 

Everything else has added to your stress and not thinking clearly. So, with that knowledge that you're aware of it, get some help and talk to a professional!

[wanda1974]

No that's not correct at all. He did dump me out of the car practically. He didn't give me any choices. I have no idea where you're getting that from.

 

 

You said, "He asked if I wanted him to drive me back, or If I wanted to get out and walk"....you got out and walked...

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is unfortunate you have so much going on now - all difficult things not made any easier by the sudden withdrawal of MM from your life. Right now, you are falling into a black hole of negatives. Time to find some positives - think of yourself not as a victim to this - but as a volunteer and simply quit volunteering for such pain and devastation - turn your negatives to positives and try to work yourself out of this terrible place. You can do it - you just have to choose to:

 

1. It is sad to hear how your father's life ended. Honor his memory by paying heed to the lessons he tried to teach you through your growing up and your adulthood - think of what he contributed to your life - and ask yourself, what would be your father's advice in this situation? Apply the knowledge and wisdom he left you with - I'm sure that would be something that any parent would want to know their children they leave behind would be able to do.

 

2. You have to stop taking responsibility for MM leaving the way he did. You didn't make him leave, and pretty much anything you "did" was just an excuse to make the break that he would have made anyway. It is unfortunate that you think you lost a 'friend'. Would a 'friend' leave you in a mess like this? If he was truly your friend, he wouldn't have led you both to this mess to begin with.

 

3. Job in trouble? Dust off your resume, and think about who you can ask there for letters of reccomendation. Consider registering with a temp agency to get you through the 'between jobs' period. If you qualify, and you have a a catastropic illness - go to social services and ask about temporary support in a time of disability (should you have to have further surgery). Don't waste the time you have mourning for a job you may lose - apply your efforts to finding a new one.

 

4. Feeling alone with impending illness? Find and join a support group and reach out to other people who feel alone just as you do - ask your doctor for recommendations. '

 

I think any reasonable person can understand you not thinking clearly right now - but at some point you have to choose to get yourself to a place in your life where you can think clearly, by leaving this pain behind you. As long as you entangle yourself with MM and his life, your own life will not find any direction. It is frightening to let go of something familiar (even when that familiar thing is ending or has gone bad), but if you don't, you'll realize that it isn't the life raft keeping you afloat - it is the cinderblock tied around your ankle that is causing you to drown.

 

All you have to do is walk away from this - stop concerning yourself with MM and his W and their marriage, and force your life to take a new direction. Put your losses behind you, take the lessons from them that you have learned and apply them to finding a new path in life.

[lust4life]

"Then he says he has to go somewhere and does he want him to drive me back to the building or do I want to walk? I get out of his car crying walking along the streets of downtown sobbing and he just drives right past me. I felt like garbage (or a hooker) just dumped off."

[liswil]

Do you have anyone around to help you out and give you support right now, Liswil? You've being subjected to several of the most stressful life events in what sounds like a relatively short period of time, and I would have thought a solid support network is absolutely essential for you just now. Would you get access to any counselling services either through work or the hospital you're receiving treatment from?

 

No there's no one to help or support me. I chose to get one surgery under a local instead of a general because I had no way to get home from anyone. I was lying on the OR table awake and one of the nurses told me I should have someone at home to take care of me for a few days. I almost broke down crying on the OR table. They couldn't see my face though since they had covered it. I just told her 'ok' knowing that I'd be all alone. No, I'm not saying this for sympathy. It's a true story.

 

I tried a counselor or two and all they did was sit there and say "I see". And they weren't even covered under my insurance. About all they do is listen to you vent which I can do online for free. I've gotten way more help with problems online than with a counselor.

[liswil]

2. You have to stop taking responsibility for MM leaving the way he did. You didn't make him leave, and pretty much anything you "did" was just an excuse to make the break that he would have made anyway. It is unfortunate that you think you lost a 'friend'. Would a 'friend' leave you in a mess like this? If he was truly your friend, he wouldn't have led you both to this mess to begin with.

 

It was better than nothing.

 

Job in trouble? Dust off your resume, and think about who you can ask there for letters of reccomendation. Consider registering with a temp agency to get you through the 'between jobs' period. If you qualify, and you have a a catastropic illness - go to social services and ask about temporary support in a time of disability (should you have to have further surgery). Don't waste the time you have mourning for a job you may lose - apply your efforts to finding a new one.

 

 

There are no jobs here--at all. There are no jobs in my field anywhere anymore. Also I can't go back to the corporate world. My current job is low stress and that's all I can take. I don't do good in the corporate world.

 

Temp jobs doing what??? Besides, there are no temp jobs here.

I don't qualify for disability.

 

Also, I do not exactly want to find a new job just yet because I might not lose mine.

But aside from that, there are no jobs to get.

 

Feeling alone with impending illness? Find and join a support group and reach out to other people who feel alone just as you do - ask your doctor for recommendations.

 

Sorry, don't know of any here.

 

I think any reasonable person can understand you not thinking clearly right now - but at some point you have to choose to get yourself to a place in your life where you can think clearly, by leaving this pain behind you. As long as you entangle yourself with MM and his life, your own life will not find any direction. It is frightening to let go of something familiar (even when that familiar thing is ending or has gone bad), but if you don't, you'll realize that it isn't the life raft keeping you afloat - it is the cinderblock tied around your ankle that is causing you to drown.

 

He's the only thing that kept me going--that made me want to get up everyday.

[lust4life]

you have had a lot of stuff happen recently. Before adding one more thing to your life ask yourself, IS this action going to be beneficial or harmful, will it produce a good outcome or more stress? Keep it simple and don't bring in anything that will add stress.

 

Sounds like you are talking about precancerous cervical cells? HPV? if that's the case it is often related to having multiple sex partners or having a partner that has multiple sex partners. Luckily, easily curable and generally easy to avoid.

 

Remember when your father died YOU called him. Adults are often comforted by making love and by physical contact, I know it comforts me.

The point of my post was to try to show you YOU have your own power, you are your own person, you can stop his actions from affecting you at all. You can choose to live with less crap on your plate.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your father. It sucks.