Dropped off like garbage

[Sami_D]

Hello liswil. I hope you managed to get some sleep and are still around posting.

 

I want to know why very few people have said anything bad about how MM treated me or anything I've mentioned about him. I've even had people defend him--regarding the part where he told me "seeya".

 

As I said earlier in the thread, I felt quite negatively towards him when I first read your post, and going back to look again there are plenty of things that made me feel bad about the way he acted. I am guessing that many people didn't talk about how he treated you in the beginning of your R because they got caught up with talking about your reaction to his ending of it. Your reaction was very negative, talking about yourself as 'garbage'.

 

I think people contributing to the thread have probably become more fixed on your attitute to yourself than what he did or didn't do, and what sort of person he is. That's not because they don't think he behaved badly. (It's because they can see that there are things that you can do in your own life which will help you avoid this kind of situation in the future. Personally, reading your responses here, I think it's WAY to early for you to begin to take those steps).

 

But I think what you're saying, asking for, is some validation that he behaved badly. Well, for what it's worth, I think he behaved badly. I mean, he came over and made a pass at you when your Dad had just died and you were lonely? He came over on your birthday, drank too much wine and tried it again? People can say that you shouldn't even have opened the door to him, but you were lonely and down. What you should or shouldn't have done is irrelevant when looking at his behaviour. He behaved badly.

 

People do find it difficult however, especially in these A situations, to leave it at that. There's always a BUT at the end of it. "You're hurting, BUT... you asked for it". Not helpful.

 

I want to know why people think his life is now all hunky dory at home. And-- if they actually ARE hunky dory, why no one sees that as a problem.

 

I can't imagine things are hunky dory at home. Once again, I think it's part of the pat answer on these boards to the ending of an A: He goes back to the wife, the end. Very unlikely in my opinion that it will be the end of anything.

 

But once again, people aren't addressing this issue because they want you to "move on". They don't care what his M is like, and don't see why it's important to you to know that HE should suffer for what he's done.

 

I'd like to know why I'm accused of not listening from the very people who haven't bothered to listen to me. Or why I've been accused of not bending by the very people who won't bend for me.

 

Don't give up on us, lis. It's hard for us looking in to slow down, see what it is you need right at this moment, and try to help you right now.

[she_9325]

oh................ my............... god.

 

i've read this entire thread. lis you've done nothing but attack people that are taking THEIR TIME to help you. you say no one cares?

 

my god woman, wake up. you are a black cloud of doom. who would want to be around that? how long are you going to feel sorry for yourself and blame it on everyone else?

 

totally disgusting, really. pages upon pages of people trying to help you. and this "the world would be better without me" crap, come on. so basically, you're whining and snivelling wanting people to feel sorry for you. you don't think other people have problems too? get OVER yourself. as far as i'm concerned, if you take yourself out of this world, i ain't gonna cry.

 

more power to ya.

[liswil]

IAre you doing the same thing in the outside world? People often do when they're hurting, but it ends up making their situation worse because they start alienating everyone around you. People are human, and they won't stick around forever if someone keeps bashing them and telling them they're wrong about everything. Especially when many of those people have had the experience of having their lives crash around them and still managed to keep going and stay civil to those who put time into trying to help them.

 

It's when people can do that, Lis, that other people start to treat them as if they matter. Good things like love and genuine friendship don't just come to us. Sometimes we have to work for them - and even then, we don't always get what we want.

 

 

You've made me think that I caused it. That I'd still have him as a friend if I wouldn't have gotten mad. He was pretty mean to me and I said some things back. Now I think it is all my fault. I see other people get mad at someone and they still are friends or whatever. When I get mad at someone they leave.

This is why I put up with more than I should from people. Because if I get mad, they leave.

[liswil]

 

But I think what you're saying, asking for, is some validation that he behaved badly. Well, for what it's worth, I think he behaved badly. I mean, he came over and made a pass at you when your Dad had just died and you were lonely? He came over on your birthday, drank too much wine and tried it again? People can say that you shouldn't even have opened the door to him, but you were lonely and down. What you should or shouldn't have done is irrelevant when looking at his behaviour. He behaved badly.

 

 

Why do people leave me when the going gets rough? They don't do that to other people.

 

People do find it difficult however, especially in these A situations, to leave it at that. There's always a BUT at the end of it. "You're hurting, BUT... you asked for it". Not helpful.

 

I didn't ask for it. I was very depressed at the time and he kept approaching me and made me feel like I was beautiful and special. Unfortunately I got hooked on that feeling he gave me. And everything about him is way above average--he's led a very exciting life. He was helping me not to be afraid to do things. And now all that is gone.

 

 

I can't imagine things are hunky dory at home. Once again, I think it's part of the pat answer on these boards to the ending of an A: He goes back to the wife, the end. Very unlikely in my opinion that it will be the end of anything.

 

 

Because he felt guilty and because he was afraid things would get out to his wife, he told her. But I have a feeling I know what story he told her. I think he told her that we were friends and then last year I asked him to come over after my dad died and things got out of hand. That we both felt it was wrong and decided to just talk at work.

 

In a sense, that wouldn't be a lie---and he'd feel ok with himself AND relieve his guilt.

 

But that's not the real story of what went on.

[liswil]

oh................ my............... god.

 

i've read this entire thread. lis you've done nothing but attack people that are taking THEIR TIME to help you. you say no one cares?

 

my god woman, wake up. you are a black cloud of doom. who would want to be around that? how long are you going to feel sorry for yourself and blame it on everyone else?

 

totally disgusting, really. pages upon pages of people trying to help you. and this "the world would be better without me" crap, come on. so basically, you're whining and snivelling wanting people to feel sorry for you. you don't think other people have problems too? get OVER yourself. as far as i'm concerned, if you take yourself out of this world, i ain't gonna cry.

 

more power to ya.

 

 

Well this post really has done it for me. I've really tried to keep going but after reading this, why should I bother? Take care everyone.

[liswil]

You know this forum has made me realize that I'm not a likeable or loveable person and people would rather I wasn't around.

[Sami_D]

Hello liswil. I'm glad you're here and still posting. How have you been the past couple of days?

 

Never mind what 'the forum' makes you think. If I had to believe in the opinions of the forum I would have jumped off a high bridge by now

[lindya]

You've made me think that I caused it. That I'd still have him as a friend if I wouldn't have gotten mad. He was pretty mean to me and I said some things back. Now I think it is all my fault. I see other people get mad at someone and they still are friends or whatever. When I get mad at someone they leave.

This is why I put up with more than I should from people. Because if I get mad, they leave.

 

I didn't make you think anything, liswil. Those are your thoughts, not mine

 

Counselling can help you, if you're prepared to work with the counsellor and accept some of the ways he or she might challenge you. One of the biggest bars to successful counselling (apart from an unskilled counsellor) is defensiveness on the part of the person getting counselling. Telling the counsellor, for instance, "you're making me feel bad by saying that".

 

What is that? That's you holding the counsellor off from taking you to a level of self-analysis that you're not comfortable with. Looking inwards is a difficult and often very painful process, but it's something you must do if you're to improve your life. Something like cognitive behavioural therapy could help you like this:

 

1. You tell the counsellor about the problem that is affecting you just now.

2. You relate that problem to previous experiences

3. The counsellor helps you to see a pattern in your behaviour, experiences and way of thinking about things.

4. The counsellor identifies core beliefs you have about yourself (for instance "I don't matter" "people always leave me").

5. The counsellor helps you to challenge these core beliefs, and to look at ways in which you might unconsciously find ways of convincing yourself, time and time again, that those beliefs are valid. It's amazing how we comfort ourselves with the familiar. However unpleasant the familiar may feel, it often feels easier than changing the way we look at the world.

6. The counsellor helps you to reframe the way you look at things. The way you perceive things affects your emotions. Your emotions affect your behaviour, and your behaviour plays a part in the way your life progresses. Obviously things can happen and people can treat us in ways that aren't within our power to change. Your task is to identify what things you can change about your life.

 

There's no more I can say about this. You need a proper, skilled counsellor to help you to begin making improvements and taking some control over your life. You can make those improvements. The only question is whether you want to.

[Sami_D]

You need a proper, skilled counsellor to help you to begin making improvements and taking some control over your life. You can make those improvements. The only question is whether you want to.

 

I agree that lis would really feel the benefit of a skilled counsellor that she could bond with. I was 18 months with a counsellor who really enabled me to move on from my negative state of mind after I was attacked.

 

However, it was hell for my friends to get me to even see someone who might help me in that progress. As you say, it's a case of being READY to accept help.

 

We're here for you lis.

[she_9325]

like seriously.

 

you people are wasting your time trying to help this girl. she won't listen and not only refuses well given advice, but attacks the people that try to help.

 

she'll just threaten to kill herself..... FOR THE 57th TIME. my god.

 

GROW UP!!

 

"You know this forum has made me realize that I'm not a likeable or loveable person and people would rather I wasn't around." - lis

 

uh, NO... you're not likeable, and you're not lovable. and you refuse the help of many caring people. this thread is either a total hoax, or you are really, truly that stupid. you can't see that you have had POSITIVE RESPONSES from MANY MANY PEOPLE here, you just bash them.

 

but above all i find COMPLETELY hilarious that you keep coming back for more.

 

this must be a complete joke.

 

i'm waiting for threat #58.

[Sami_D]

Why are you posting, if you feel it's a waste of time, She?

[lindya]

I agree that lis would really feel the benefit of a skilled counsellor that she could bond with. I was 18 months with a counsellor who really enabled me to move on from my negative state of mind after I was attacked.

 

However, it was hell for my friends to get me to even see someone who might help me in that progress. As you say, it's a case of being READY to accept help.

 

We're here for you lis.

 

I hope that helps, lis. To see that other people have had the same fears and doubts about counselling - but managed to overcome those fears and make positive steps towards getting better.

 

It was interesting that you said you take more than you should from people -then when you finally do get angry, they leave. What do you think would happen if you told people a little bit earlier on that you weren't happy about their behaviour towards you?

 

A lot of people, particularly (but not exclusively) women, put up with things that they shouldn't really put up with. There's such a long list of the things that we're "supposed" to be. Beautiful, kind, tolerant, sensitive, gentle, patient, good in bed, a good cook, an interesting conversationalist. You can try and try to be those things, and find that in return you're only presented with an ever longer list of impossible-to-achieve qualities that the "right woman" should have.

 

Or you can accept that there is no such thing as the perfect woman, and that any man who expects you to be his vision of perfection is living in a fantasy world. So in some ways it's better to let them see the imperfections sooner rather than later. To resist the temptation to pretend we are the perfect woman they always dreamed of. To realise that most men do live in the real world and accept that we can't be perfect, that sometimes we get angry, sometimes we'll disagree with them - and that we won't necessarily ask "how high?" when they tell us to jump.

 

It sounds as if you need some help in establishing and laying down your own personal boundaries - ie, what you will tolerate in a relationship. Again, counselling could help you to decide what boundaries would be suitable and realistic for you. Then it could help you find ways of letting other people know your boundaries in a way that any reasonable person should be able to deal with hearing. You'll get to know that the people who can't deal with your boundaries simply aren't right for you - and you'll also find that there are other people who respect you for having those boundaries.

 

PS - She, it's probably best not to read the thread if you're finding it that frustrating. I appreciate what you're saying, but I don't think any of us can expect to Lis to turn her thinking around overnight. Hopefully she'll come back when the dust has settled a bit, and find some of it helpful.

[whichwayisup]

like seriously.

 

you people are wasting your time trying to help this girl. she won't listen and not only refuses well given advice, but attacks the people that try to help.

 

she'll just threaten to kill herself..... FOR THE 57th TIME. my god.

 

GROW UP!!

 

"You know this forum has made me realize that I'm not a likeable or loveable person and people would rather I wasn't around." - lis

 

uh, NO... you're not likeable, and you're not lovable. and you refuse the help of many caring people. this thread is either a total hoax, or you are really, truly that stupid. you can't see that you have had POSITIVE RESPONSES from MANY MANY PEOPLE here, you just bash them.

 

but above all i find COMPLETELY hilarious that you keep coming back for more.

 

this must be a complete joke.

 

i'm waiting for threat #58.

 

You're not helping her or her situation. You don't like what or how she is handling her life, then stop posting on her thread. She is feeling like s***, very low and feeling depressed. The frame of mind she's in right now means she can't see the good right now. Patience...That is all I think she wants. To be heard and understood, not crapped on by you! She is reaching out for help, maybe isn't hearing all that is being offered but enough to still reach out. So, do yourself a favour - Either be supportive or stop replying on Lis's thread.

[crazy_grl]

From everything you've been saying, Lis, it doesn't seem to me that your attitude is a result of your current situation, which is why most people are excusing your behavior. You've said you've had problems like this your whole life, and I believe that you have. The source of your problems is your own mindset though. (No, that does not mean you’re a bad person, that there’s something ‘wrong’ with you, that you’re hopeless or any other negative thing you might think about yourself.)

 

When you think everyone hates you, stop and think about things reasonably. There’s no way that everyone could hate you or that you’re all bad, etc, etc. And instead of saying "I'm going to go kill myself now," put some thought into why someone said something negative about you and think about whether or not it’s something you want to change. If it’s not, then forget what they said. It’s only their opinion, and what me or anyone else thinks of you is not nearly as important as what you think of you.

 

After your first post, I could tell you think of yourself as the victim and wallow in self-pity. Nothing you've said has surprised me, especially when you made excuses, used complete exaggerations and turned everything into black and white. (FYI: That type of thinking is actually a possible indicator of a mental disorder. I believe Borderline Personality Disorder is one.)

 

Yes, a lot of bad things have happened to you, but bad things have happened to many people. People deal with a lot of pain, some worse than yours. Everyone chooses whether you focus on the bad things or the good things. Don't let your pain define you.

 

That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, at least not anything you can’t easily fix if you want to. The type of attitude you’re giving off is not attractive, and if you’re doing this in real life (which I suspect you are), that’s exactly why you have no one who cares about you. (Though I believe you do have people who care about you or people who would care if you didn’t push them away in order to feel self-pity and fit into your self-fulfilling prophecy.)

 

No one is going to love you until you love yourself. Once you do that, you’ll have love to give others instead of trying to suck it from them to make yourself feel better. You get love and support by giving love and support. You’ve been given a lot of both on this thread, but you’ve given back very little. Now you’re pushing away those who originally offered it.

 

As for the matter of your MM. Yes, you're right that the guy who did this to you is a cheating piece of s***, but you shouldn't need any of us to tell you that. You already know. It’s obvious. No one blames you completely, but you do have to recognize your own role (realistically, not an exaggeration to make yourself feel bad) and stop making yourself out to be a victim instead of a participant -- even if you were a vulnerable participant. Realizing what you did and could have done differently will allow you to avoid this type of situation in the future.

 

It doesn’t matter how MM’s life is going to turn out. What’s important is that you have a chance to use this to change your life for the better. You’re only the ‘loser’ who’s left with ‘dirt’ if you choose to be. Instead, choose to make this an opportunity to be happier than you ever have before. And when you notice yourself having any of these woe and despair ‘he never loved me’, ‘I’m dirt’, ‘I wish I were dead’ thoughts, stop and force yourself to think positively. If you need to, write a list of positive things about yourself, carry it with you, and read it when you start thinking negatively.

 

Lis, you do sound like a very caring and beautiful person on the inside. And from what others have posted, most people see you as someone worthy of their time. Though you’ve begun frustrating some people, no one would’ve bothered continuing to post advice if they didn’t think you were worth it.

 

I want you to see how great you are. Once you do, I think you’ll stop pushing people away and more and more people will see how wonderful and loveable you are.

[she_9325]

it's a couple of things for me. it's like one of those reeeally bad car accidents that you drive by, you are just sucked into staring at... that is why i read the thread.

 

i've found it completely fascinating the outpouring of truly genuine help for this girl who just twists their words into attacks on her. she is definetely playing the victim, and excuse me, but i just have no patience for ungrateful, whiney, self-absorbed 'victims'.

 

now, i do actually care... believe it or not (but only to a point). it's just frustrating as hell when someone is given tons of really really good, helpful, caring advice and just shoots it all to hell.

 

we've maybe not *all* been there, but a lot of us at one point in our lives or another been so depressed that we wanted to kill ourselves. me included.

 

very clearly stated, this girl has two choices:

 

1. wallow in self pity and eventually kill herself.

 

or

 

2. learn from life experiences and realize that it's when you're down the worst and are at rock bottom....that you just may be stronger than you think. it's a true test of spirit and will. sometimes it is just a matter of life or death, but hey, personally i appreicate survival most. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and MOVE ON.

 

sh*t happens in life, and YES it's sh*tty, and it sucks. but what are you going to do. whine about it, give in, crumble and die...... or PUSH ON... SURVIVE....

 

i'm genuinely, truly hoping this girl snaps out of it and realizes her potential in life. just enjoy every day that she has. she needs to figure it out for herself. whatever "it" is, that is going to get her through.

 

that being said, i have known someone to threaten to commit suicide as a way to get attention. her life was crap, she felt.... and had no reason to go on because no one would love her and in turn, she would spread doom and gloom to everyone that was around her. she was a walking, talking black cloud of doom that sucked everyone around her into depression trying to help her. and she was rude to everyone.

 

and my view is, if someone really wants to kill themselves, and they refuse genuine help time and time again, and they continue to spread doom and gloom, then why try to stop them? do it for all i care. just do it. please.

 

i just don't dig on the fake theatrics. she'll run off claiming to go kill herself for the millionth time. all she wants is attention when she ALREADY HAS people trying to help her. wouldn't YOU be GRATEFUL for that? i know i certainly would. and if someone REALLY wanted to kill themselves, they would. she is completely bluffing. i don't understand her motivation. which is why i half believe it's a fake thread.

 

eh. maybe i'll keep reading it, maybe i won't. it's starting to get boring.

[lindya]

we've maybe not *all* been there, but a lot of us at one point in our lives or another been so depressed that we wanted to kill ourselves. me included.

 

What got you through it, She?

 

Giving advice is pretty easy. It makes us feel smart and as if we've really got it together...and that could be why so many of us are on here doing it. Truly, I doubt many of us do it for as altruistic reasons as we might like to think.

 

Really listening to and taking that advice is an awful lot harder to do. For every 100 people who are great at doling out good advice, there are probably 20 who are any good at taking it.

[she_9325]

lindya, you make a good point. and also, thanks for asking.

 

what got me through it? the short version, i actually had no one to turn to, and was completely alone. and of course, i felt sorry for myself for a while. but dammit if i had to buck up and push through it. i didn't just hit rock bottom, i scraped around down there for a long time. but i FORCED myself to get through it, and became a much stronger, healthier person for it. lis can do this too. anyone can. it's just a matter of will, and knowing that actually... you don't *need* anyone, you can go it alone and you know what, when you do.. you'll feel much better knowing that you're a survivor. i absolutely believe we don't realize how strong we are til we hit that rock bottom and rise up from there. but hey, rise up.. buck up... live it up...

 

she has great people backing her up here. even if she thinks that she has no one in her life so what... lis just pull thru it on your own then. you'll be that much more proud of yourself for getting through it.

[lindya]

lindya, you make a good point. and also, thanks for asking.

 

what got me through it? the short version, i actually had no one to turn to, and was completely alone. and of course, i felt sorry for myself for a while. but dammit if i had to buck up and push through it. i didn't just hit rock bottom, i scraped around down there for a long time. but i FORCED myself to get through it, and became a much stronger, healthier person for it.

 

You're welcome. I think when people have had to force themselves through a difficult time, it can be frustrating to watch other people who aren't ready to get through it. Tackling a difficult time alone takes a lot of courage, and leaves you with more.

 

Maybe at some point you'll be able to post a bit about your story. Talking in a bit more detail about how you managed to get the focus to pull yourself through things might be helpful to other people who are experiencing something similar.

[crazy_grl]

lindya, you make a good point. and also, thanks for asking.

 

what got me through it? the short version, i actually had no one to turn to, and was completely alone. and of course, i felt sorry for myself for a while. but dammit if i had to buck up and push through it. i didn't just hit rock bottom, i scraped around down there for a long time. but i FORCED myself to get through it, and became a much stronger, healthier person for it. lis can do this too. anyone can. it's just a matter of will, and knowing that actually... you don't *need* anyone, you can go it alone and you know what, when you do.. you'll feel much better knowing that you're a survivor. i absolutely believe we don't realize how strong we are til we hit that rock bottom and rise up from there. but hey, rise up.. buck up... live it up...

 

she has great people backing her up here. even if she thinks that she has no one in her life so what... lis just pull thru it on your own then. you'll be that much more proud of yourself for getting through it.

 

I agree with you, She. I've been there too. For years, I gave serious thought to drinking bleach or driving my car off an overpass, into the nearest pole, etc at least once a week. The main reasons I didn't were because I might only injure myself and make everything worse instead of suceeding in killing myself. Then I'd be worse off than before. Also, I knew that I might accidently hurt someone else if I did. I never told anyone I was thinking about it though.

 

You know what changed things for me? Someone actually told me that they didn't want to be close to me, being blatantly honest about why instead of just coddling me, patting me on the head, and saying everything is going to be okay while they let me feel sorry for myself. At that point, I realized that the way I felt was mostly my own fault. I cried about that for awhile, thinking no one will ever love me because there was something wrong with me. Then I realized that if I'm responsible for my unhappiness, I'm also responsible for creating my own happiness. After that, I started reading books about relationships, socializing, making changes, etc. and I also talked to people in person and online about their outlooks on life to get new perspectives.

 

Lis can do the same thing, but I don't think the coddling and pity she's looking for are what's going to get her there. She needs a dose of the cold, hard truth.

[she_9325]

"You know what changed things for me? Someone actually told me that they didn't want to be close to me, being blatantly honest about why instead of just coddling me, patting me on the head, and saying everything is going to be okay while they let me feel sorry for myself. At that point, I realized that the way I felt was mostly my own fault."

 

thank you thank you thank you! exactly how i feel, to the T! you said it better than i could have. and you know, you went through all of that and came out on top. you have a deeper appreciation for not just life but your SELF. it's when i see this kind of success story that regains my faith that there are strong people out there that have a true appreciation for themselves and life.

 

"Lis can do the same thing, but I don't think the coddling and pity she's looking for are what's going to get her there. She needs a dose of the cold, hard truth."

 

absolutely.

[she_9325]

"At that point, I realized that the way I felt was mostly my own fault. I cried about that for awhile, thinking no one will ever love me because there was something wrong with me. Then I realized that if I'm responsible for my unhappiness, I'm also responsible for creating my own happiness."

 

i meant to hit on this too. it's the most important part! it has to be recognized because it is so so so so so totally important to this thread, and life.

 

thanks crazy_grl

[RainyDayWoman]

 

Personally I hope my message the other day saying I'd talk to his wife put him in the hospital with a REAL heart attack.

 

i can understand that you are upset...but that is awfully cold.

[lindya]

 

You know what changed things for me? Someone actually told me that they didn't want to be close to me, being blatantly honest about why instead of just coddling me, patting me on the head, and saying everything is going to be okay while they let me feel sorry for myself. At that point, I realized that the way I felt was mostly my own fault. I cried about that for awhile, thinking no one will ever love me because there was something wrong with me. Then I realized that if I'm responsible for my unhappiness, I'm also responsible for creating my own happiness.

 

Ditto, CG! If you haven't got a positive attitude to take to the party, the door will tend to get shut in your face....and sometimes whatever you do, the door will still get shut. It's the same for all of us, but some people will spend their lives railing against that reality instead of accepting it and learning to function effectively within it.

 

I think the cognitive behavioural therapy would be really helpful for anyone who's trapped in thinking negatively about the past to the extent that they're not accepting any responsibility for the future.

 

There's only so long you can listen to someone continually sabotaging everyone's efforts to help them before you shrug and say "well...I tried. Maybe it's time to move on to something else where putting in some effort might actually achieve a few positive results."

[Owl]

Lis-

 

I used to be an avid poster on this site for quite a while, especially while dealing with my own personal trauma from my wife's EA (emotional affair). I think most people who remember me would tell you that I'm one of the 'groups' of people that you seem to prefer according to your own words...I prefer to give very specific advice.

 

I know that WWIU suggested that you take a look at a few stories over on the Infidelity board to get an understanding of things from the BS (betrayed spouse's) viewpoint. I'm curious if you've done that?

 

Reading through this entire thread, it's left me with a few thoughts, and a few suggestions.

 

Initially you seemed to have a lot of anger towards MM, and even some resentment towards his wife. But more than anything else, throughout your entire thread, the one phrase that seems to be repeated more than anything else is "like I'm not worth it". Your entire viewpoint seems to be centered around a major lack of self-worth. Repeatedly you've commented about how no one cares about you, about how you haven't got anyone, and that you've been totally unable to find anyone.

 

Please realize that this isn't an attack...I don't know you well enough to care one way or another. It's not an attack, it's an attempt to get you to see where the real issues lie here. It's got nothing to do with MM, nothing to do with his wife.

 

You feel like he used you and then abandoned you.

 

The reality is that he came into your life, and then left it again. How he treated you, and how you interacted with him were both dictated by the BOTH of you. That's the thing...people treat us how we let them, and in a lot of ways, how we tell them to. By our actions, body language, etc...

 

At this point, he's not the problem. You're dealing with a major blow to your self-esteem and sense of self worth. Re-read your posts and you'll quickly spot the common statements that support this.

 

That's something I know well...because that's something that every BS (to include your MM's wife) has to deal with. And you know what they say..."The bigger they are, the harder they fall.". Well, I used to think I was pretty big...so when my self-esteem hit the dirt, it went all the way through the floor and landed in some cavern WAY deep down.

 

To the point...you need to do something about how YOU feel about YOURSELF. So far you've seemed to place your sense of self-worth on a few things...how many people are active in your life right now...your job, etc...

 

Time to change something then. Believe it or not, that's why some suggested that you get a pet, change your hairdo, etc...because a sense of change is what you need to break out of your funk.

 

Maybe a BIG change then?

 

One good thing about being alone...you're also only responsible for yourself. You don't have to worry about impacts to others, you're not tethered down by kids, by a spouse, by everyone who needs things from you.

 

Use that to your advantage!

 

What would be something that you've always wanted to do? Go to Australia? Live in the Bahama's so you can hit the beach everyday? Whatever it is...say "To heck with it!!!" and just go for it. You get one life to live here friend...you can either sit around and feel bad about the way it's gone, or you can choose to change the way it's going to be. And you know what? So it doesn't go perfect when you make the changes....then change things until it gets better!!!

 

You want some specific advice? Here's my thoughts...one of two choices.

 

1. Seek some counseling to help you be happy with where you are now. Find out why you're so unhappy, and get treatment to help deal with it. Find out what you can change in your current surroundings and plan out a way to make those changes. Find ways to be happy with you where you are and who you are right now. People do this successfully all the time...it's a matter of learning to think new ways, and to find value in different things. A good IC (individual counselor) can help you work through that.

 

2. If you don't think you can be happy with where you are right now...MOVE ON!!! Make drastic changes in your life. It sounds like you've got a lot of personal freedom...take advantage of it to try to completely change the circumstances in your life to FIND what you want to make you happy. Sell as much of your stuff as you can part with, make SHORT TERM plans for getting things together, and WORK TOWARDS SOMETHING YOU DREAM(ED) FOR!! Always wanted to be a ballerina? Fine, kick some lunch money back for a while, and find a teacher...who cares if you might not be professional...just make yourself happy doing it!

 

The bottom line is this my friend...the classical definition of insanity is "Constantly and repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again...each time hoping for different results". By that definition, you're insane. You're not happy...but at the same time you've TRULY done nothing to MAKE yourself happier. So...time to make some changes. Give it some thought...work out a plan....SHORT term plans. And go for it...whichever of the two choices you make.

 

There you go....life according to Owl...it gets no better than this!

[Hot Coco]

All great advice Owl (and so many others) BUT it's a waste of time! I've seen people like this. Remember the poster who suggested what she should do about getting a job. And I don't remember her exact words but she said something like there are NO jobs in her town, there are NO temp agencies...etc. etc.

 

It doesn't matter WHAT you say to these kinds of people they are naysayers and extremely negative. No one wants to be around them because of it. And they actually make their own bad luck by being that way.

 

I feel so bad for her. I even offered to talk "trash" about the MM. I was willing to do whatever it was that would make her feel better and she totally ignored my post. She'd rather trash everyone's well-intentioned advice and words of support.

 

I can't stand people like that. Most people can't. They act like they're the only people who have ever experienced pain or loneliness or ANYTHING negative! HER pain is worse than any pain anyone else has ever had to hear her tell it.

 

I bet we could all go on there and tell her the painful parts of life that we've ALL experienced and she'll STILL tell you that hers is worse than anyone's.

 

You gave excellent advice but she'll just come back with something like "Ballet lessons? Are you kidding me? Do you REALLY think that's going to take my pain away?"

 

Ok, I'm going to be her for a minute:

 

Counseling? I don't have money for counseling and besides there are no counselors in my town. Besides they just care about their fee. They could care less about my problems.

 

Your other suggestion was to "move on." Wow! That was helpful. Move on! Move towards a DREAM I've had. Well, I don't have dreams! My dreams have all been taken away by other people! You people just don't GET THAT! Take ballet lessons you say? Yeah, that's REALLY going to fix this...that just makes me want to end it all now! Oh, you were a BIG help! Putting on a tutu and ballet shoes is really going to fix my sh-tty life! I'd probably be laughed out of the class anyway.

 

You all just don't get it. People like me don't have DREAMS! People have taken everything from me: My dignity, my pride, my self-esteem and yes, all of my dreams. I'm nothing now. Why would I take a trip? So I can be used and abused in a foreign country! He!! I can do that without leaving my living room with all of you RIGHT HERE!

 

I need to just end this. Why do I bother? Yes, I'm just going to end it all. That's the only thing that will make me feel better.