Dropped off like garbage

[Hot Coco]

I should accept that I'm lonely, unloved, ignored, alone, etc...?

 

Uh...I wasn't going to get into it with New but I thought that SAME thing. Not the best advice on here, that's for sure.

[Hot Coco]

The only thing I'd accept is that he's a jerk, a user..not someone who you really, really would want in the long-term. I'd accept the fact that he was a smooth talker out for himself and himself only. I'd let go of the idea that he was the "whole package" because superficially he may be but in reality he's a broken, flawed pathetic man.

 

That would be the only think I'd accept about this whole situation.

 

But what do I know, right?

[liswil]

The only thing I'd accept is that he's a jerk, a user..not someone who you really, really would want in the long-term. I'd accept the fact that he was a smooth talker out for himself and himself only. I'd let go of the idea that he was the "whole package" because superficially he may be but in reality he's a broken, flawed pathetic man.

 

 

yeah, probably.

[Hot Coco]

If you're saying "probably" then you really haven't accepted that that's what he is. And I forgot to add a few more other things that he is...a phoney and a cheater.

 

I think when you accept (since New brought up about acceptance) that it's MORE than just probable that he is those things, that's when you can REALLY move on (yeah, I know you hate when people tell you to move on, but you know what I mean)

 

I think that as long as you still think (and I'm not saying that you do because I have no idea) that he's the total package and he rejected you, that you will continue to feel bad about yourself. But when you REALLY stop and think about what kind of person this is, why should you feel bad about someone like that rejecting you? It wasn't really personal in the sense that he would have done that to anyone. Because that's the kind of low-life he is.

 

He'll find another victim soon enough and do the same thing again.

 

So once you "accept" that it's WAY more than probable that he's a piece of crap, then you can really start to feel better.

 

And just walk away with a sense of having learned a lesson. Don't do it again and you can start to repair your life. Right now he's like an anchor around your heart and mind. You need to GET RID OF HIM! HE'S garbage...not YOU.

 

Toss him out of your heart and mind the way he did. And hold your head up high and start to fix the other things in your life that you don't like.

[liswil]

It'd be a lot easier if he was the classic cheater but I don't think he is. He IS the classic flirter though (to a great degree) but I don't believe he's ever gone this far. Plus the whole time he felt guilty. That and he has a hard time lying--he said he's been like that since he was a kid. I'm the same way so I can relate to that. So he's not the lying type of person who doesn't see right from wrong.

 

He's more the weak person who has poor impulse control. That makes me like him.

 

On the other hand, he can be manipulative and self-serving.

[Hot Coco]

It'd be a lot easier if he was the classic cheater but I don't think he is. He IS the classic flirter though (to a great degree) but I don't believe he's ever gone this far. Plus the whole time he felt guilty. That and he has a hard time lying--he said he's been like that since he was a kid. I'm the same way so I can relate to that. So he's not the lying type of person who doesn't see right from wrong.

 

He's more the weak person who has poor impulse control. That makes me like him.

 

On the other hand, he can be manipulative and self-serving.

 

It's funny though. That might not have been the way he normally was. You'll never REALLY know. He might have done it before and stopped for awhile out of guilt. Who knows? But let's say he never did it before. Now, the floodgates are open for what he's been tempted to do all along. Now that he's done it, it's going to be easier for him to do it again.

 

You say he's not the lying type of person who doesn't see right from wrong. Action speak louder than words. Do his actions show that to be true? You say he felt guilty the whole time. But not guilty enough to keep coming back after the first time. See? It's all BS!

 

You say he's more a weak person with poor impulse control and that makes you like him. Do you see what you're saying here? Is this the kind of guy you want in your life?

 

When people describe their perfect mate would they add "poor impulse control" and "weak" next to smart and good sense of humor?

 

I think it's important for you to think about why you find those qualities likeable or admirable in a person. Don't you think you deserve a person who is strong and doesn't have "impulse control" issues?

 

You said:

 

So he's not the lying type of person who doesn't see right from wrong.

 

So what is he? The lying type of person who DOES see right from wrong and choses WRONG?

 

It's good that you see that he is manipulative and self-serving but it's worrisome that you are still defending his bad character. That tells me that you haven't let go yet. That you're not REALLY seeing this man for what he is. His actions say it all. Forgot the whole thing about that he had guilt, never did it before, etc. etc. That's what he TOLD you but his actions speak a whole different story.

 

You're not letting go. Are you still talking to him? I guess you don't want to say.

[Hot Coco]

And let me ask you this: If a friend of yours came to you with your exact same story, what would you tell her? What would be your best advice for her? Would you tell her to not forget the guy. To go after him since she cares for him so much. Or would you tell her a lot of what's been said here to you.

 

Really, what would you tell her?

 

I'm feeling like you want someone to tell you to go after him. Write him a letter pouring out your heart to him (then he can stomp on it again). Fight for him. Try to bump into him in the elevator or something and get him alone. Call him and text him and make him come back to you.

 

I hope I'm wrong that that's what you're looking for in the way of support. No one in their right mind will give you that. Would you tell your girlfriend to do those things?

 

So what would you REALLY tell her?

[liswil]

No, I'm not in touch with him---he signed a contract to not talk to me, remember?

 

No, I'm not wanting someone to tell me to go after him. Not sure where you're getting that one from.

 

It didn't come out right as to what I still like about him.

 

He can be pretty good most of the time but cold occasionally. Only I don't know if he did that to push me away or if he's really like that.

 

Regardless, I've never met anyone I've liked as much as him and have little hope for it happening again since it took this long to happen to begin with. And at my age, they're all married and even if they're not happy, they'll stay married which means it's pretty much pointless for me at this point. I messed up my life by not getting married when I was younger.

[veronese]

Hi Lis,

 

I agree with Newbby that it's easy for many of us to forget the pain we were in when we first posted here. Some of the replies I received in my first post really pissed me off and I hit back at them. I can recognise how raw and defensive I was at that time, and while some of the opinions were just plain bitchy, others that offended me back then were given to me with the best of intentions.

 

You do have the right to say as much as you like here, for as long as you like. If people don't like it that's their problem. Some posters on LS have been more or less ignored so if anyone objects to what you are saying I guess they could do the same and then this thread will die a natural death.

 

I was wondering how you are feeling about telling his wife about the true extent of your relationship with him? Back at the start of your pose it seemed to be important to you? Well, speaking as a betrayed wife I thought you may appreciate my opinion on this matter?

 

I know it's not a popular viewpoint here but I think wives SHOULD know who and what they are married to. And if their husbands won't tell them they often remain blissfully unaware of what's going on. Personally I would have appreciated being told by just about anyone, including the OW.

 

However, I do have one proviso, that should an OW contact a wife and enlighten her about the facts, the OW should be sensitive, respectful, apologetic and remorseful about her part in the affair. If her motive is to cause problems for her MM, that's fine. But if her intention is to only inflict pain and suffering on his wife, I would strongly advise against doing it. What did the wife do wrong, apart from marry the smuck in the first place?

 

When I spoke to my H's OW they spoke to me quite dismissively, they made it clear that they thought it was I who had the problem and that their involvement with my H, behind my back and in full knowledge of my ignorance, was not something I had the right to object to. They were defensive, uninformative, unapologetic, and condescending. I can't tell you how incensed I was after each conversation with them.

 

Had they acted with any kind of remorse and extended some understanding and concern for me, I would have welcomed hearing absolutely everything they had to say. It sure would have saved me a lot of time, energy, heartache and sadness if they had done me the favour at the beginning. Unfortunately neither he, nor they, felt inclined to be honest when I found out so I went down the humiliating route of obsessive checking, investigating and interrogation.

 

If you feel any empathy for your MM's poor wife then I would tell her everything.

 

If you, on the other hand, carry resentment, jealousy or anomosity for her purely because he's still with her and not with you, it would be better to keep your mouth shut. I'm sure she would have preferred her husband not to have embarked on an affair and understandably, won't welcome his OW launching an attack on her in the aftermath.

 

Good luck Lis, I hope things improve for you real soon.

[veronese]

What he tells you about himself is not necessarily the truth.

 

My H's OW all thought he was just wonderful, a knight in shining armour, exactly the type of man they would have loved being married to.

 

They all thought they were his ONLY special friend. That his friendship with them existed despite him being happily married, but that he had a connection with them that he didn't have with any other woman.

 

Wrong.

 

None of them knew about the others. He wanted them all to think he was Mr Nice Guy.

 

They thought he was honest (despite knowing he was lying to me), and it came as quite a shock to them when I told them that like me, they had been deceived by him too.

 

Just thought I'd mention that.

 

V x

[liswil]

I was wondering how you are feeling about telling his wife about the true extent of your relationship with him? Back at the start of your pose it seemed to be important to you? Well, speaking as a betrayed wife I thought you may appreciate my opinion on this matter?

 

So are you still with him?

[veronese]

Just about!

[liswil]

Just about!

 

 

Why though?

[Hot Coco]

No, I'm not in touch with him---he signed a contract to not talk to me, remember?

 

No, I'm not wanting someone to tell me to go after him. Not sure where you're getting that one from.

 

It didn't come out right as to what I still like about him.

 

He can be pretty good most of the time but cold occasionally. Only I don't know if he did that to push me away or if he's really like that.

 

Regardless, I've never met anyone I've liked as much as him and have little hope for it happening again since it took this long to happen to begin with. And at my age, they're all married and even if they're not happy, they'll stay married which means it's pretty much pointless for me at this point. I messed up my life by not getting married when I was younger.

 

I don't remember anything about a contract. And truthfully, I can't BEAR to go back and re-read this post. What contract? Was it between the 2 of you?

 

Where am I getting the notion that maybe you want us to tell you to go after him? Because when people say he's no good, let him go, you kind of fight that a bit and defend him. But that's not important now anyway. Moot point. I was just wondering STILL want you may have been looking for there in the way of support.

 

Ok, to address your other points. You could meet someone tomorrow. How long it took you to meet him is NO indication of how long it will take to meet the right person. And just like you're saying there are NO jobs in your field where you live, now you're saying there are NO men either! What does waiting for the right person have to do with your age? Huh? Don't quite get that. Don't know your age but I didn't meet my H until I was 33. I thought it was all over for me. You just never know when it will happen.

 

I seriously doubt that all the guys where you live are ALL married. You live in a place where there are NO jobs in your field and NO single men? I really find that hard to believe. And if that's REALLY true, what I would do (and have done this) is get a part-time job, work 7 days a week for awhile, save your money, research on the internet for a place you'd like to live to start a brand new life and MOVE! I did just that. It was scary at first but exciting. Started with a clean slate and met my H 3 days after I moved here. Not saying that will happen like that but I didn't think it would happen either and it did.

 

I honestly don't know how you can say that you messed up your life by not getting married when you were younger. It obviously wasn't meant to be for you to marry then. Doesn't mean your life is over.

 

So what do you think about starting fresh somewhere else?

[veronese]

Good question Lis!

 

I'm pushed for time right now so won't attempt an answer til later. I'll give it some thought.

 

x

[littlekitty]

You know comments like that make me feel like I am such a bother and why did I come here. I had no where to turn and thought I could come here but these little comments and digs made me realize that I should have given up before coming here. You've really made me feel like I'm just bothering people.

 

I've never seen a forum where people all kick someone when they're down and even encourage that person killing themselves. I guess it's that you're faceless online so the "mob violence" factor comes into play. I find that such a sad discovery about people.

 

When I was a kid and the teacher would leave the room and some nerdy kid would get hit or harrassed on by the bullies, all the kids would laugh. I NEVER laughed. EVER! In fact, I regret that I couldn't help that person, but I was way too timid.

So that mob violence factor isn't in me at ALL. And I will NEVER understand it. I will---and HAVE--walked alone before I will do that.

 

What a load of bull. Sorry Lis. I wasn't making comments specifically against you, but since you yanked my chain... here we go!

 

LS Posters do have patience. Print off this thread and keep it. In 5 years pull it out and read it. Then tell me I'm wrong.

 

As for the rest of your off the wall, bull crap full, self serving message... I really can't be arsed to respond. I don't have the time to waste.

 

Ohhh and for your INFORMATION.. I was bullied... most of my school time... I've felt like ending it all.... I've lost more people I loved to death that I care to count anymore.. and you know what? I never, ever behaved like you towards other people.

[Hot Coco]

Why though?

 

Probably the same reason why you'd take back your MM in a heartbeat.

[liswil]

I don't remember anything about a contract. And truthfully, I can't BEAR to go back and re-read this post. What contract? Was it between the 2 of you?

 

Between him and his wife that he signed at the marriage counselor's.

 

 

Ok, to address your other points. You could meet someone tomorrow. How long it took you to meet him is NO indication of how long it will take to meet the right person. And just like you're saying there are NO jobs in your field where you live, now you're saying there are NO men either! What does waiting for the right person have to do with your age? Huh? Don't quite get that. Don't know your age but I didn't meet my H until I was 33. I thought it was all over for me. You just never know when it will happen.

 

I'm quite a bit older than you were when you got married. By my age, most people are married.

 

 

I seriously doubt that all the guys where you live are ALL married. You live in a place where there are NO jobs in your field

 

I don't know how else to explain the economy to you. I'd be interested in knowing what types of jobs you feel are so easy to get and where.

 

 

and NO single men? I really find that hard to believe. And if that's REALLY true, what I would do (and have done this) is get a part-time job, work 7 days a week for awhile, save your money, research on the internet for a place you'd like to live to start a brand new life and MOVE! I did just that. It was scary at first but exciting. Started with a clean slate and met my H 3 days after I moved here. Not saying that will happen like that but I didn't think it would happen either and it did.

 

The MM was giving me the courage to be that risky and how to be. Since I've rarely travelled I don't know how to just go somewhere new. I also don't like to fly. Besides I have an elderly mother here who just lost my dad.

 

But now that he's gone, I've lost my motivation to even think about it.

[Hot Coco]

Between him and his wife that he signed at the marriage counselor's.

 

 

 

 

I'm quite a bit older than you were when you got married. By my age, most people are married.

 

 

 

I don't know how else to explain the economy to you. I'd be interested in knowing what types of jobs you feel are so easy to get and where.

 

 

 

 

The MM was giving me the courage to be that risky and how to be. Since I've rarely travelled I don't know how to just go somewhere new. I also don't like to fly. Besides I have an elderly mother here who just lost my dad.

 

But now that he's gone, I've lost my motivation to even think about it.

 

So people just stop getting married after a certain age? Is that what you're saying? Go down to your local courthouse or look in the paper. Only people under 35 get married?

 

The whole thing about the economy and the jobs is just an excuse. Sorry, but it is. You can go outside your field if need be or move. But you can't move now because of your mother, right? Ok, well that's about the only thing in this that doesn't sound unreasonable.

 

So you can't even THINK about changing your life because he's gone? (Did you mean your Dad or MM by the way...not clear on that. I think you meant MM though) So he controls all your actions and thoughts too?

 

Oh, and sorry I remember about the contract now. That should tell you he's trying to change and that he considered what he did as being wrong and a mistake. You should do what he did. Make a contract with yourself that you won't repeat this mistake and change your life.

 

Back to the jobs for a minute. The economy doesn't have much to do with your job situation I don't think. It's more to do with where you live, wherever that is, and what types of jobs there are. I can't help there without knowing more.

 

Like for example, where I live there are a lot of jobs in the service industry, manufacturing and medical field. Not so much in the technical and corporate sector.

 

So when you open up the Sunday classifieds there are NO jobs in ANY field. It's just a blank page or you don't even HAVE a classified section for employment? Is this what I am to understand?

[liswil]

So people just stop getting married after a certain age? Is that what you're saying? Go down to your local courthouse or look in the paper. Only people under 35 get married?

 

Yes- that pretty much is the case.

 

And there also aren't many people that I like enough/click with, etc...

 

The whole thing about the economy and the jobs is just an excuse. Sorry, but it is. You can go outside your field if need be or move.

 

At one point you say that the economy is just an excuse and then you say it has to do with where you live.

 

 

 

Oh, and sorry I remember about the contract now. That should tell you he's trying to change and that he considered what he did as being wrong and a mistake. You should do what he did.

 

So all of a sudden now you see him as a decent, moral person?

 

 

So when you open up the Sunday classifieds there are NO jobs in ANY field. It's just a blank page or you don't even HAVE a classified section for employment? Is this what I am to understand?

 

I don't know how to explain this to you, but you can't just apply for a job in ANY field. Well, I take that back....you can apply.....but you're not going to get it. I'm really at a loss that you think otherwise.

 

Are you talking unskilled jobs or something?

[Hot Coco]

Yes- that pretty much is the case.

 

And there also aren't many people that I like enough/click with, etc...

 

 

 

At one point you say that the economy is just an excuse and then you say it has to do with where you live.

 

 

 

 

 

So all of a sudden now you see him as a decent, moral person?

 

 

 

 

I don't know how to explain this to you, but you can't just apply for a job in ANY field. Well, I take that back....you can apply.....but you're not going to get it. I'm really at a loss that you think otherwise.

 

Are you talking unskilled jobs or something?

 

You know what? I could go point by point on your arguments here and discount every one of them like you did mine. But I'm not. You know why? I give up! I GIVE UP! Like the crisis line, like the counselor. You cannot be helped now. You know why? You DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED!

 

None of your points above are valid. You've twisted what I've said. Ok, just forget it. You're too old to get married and there are no jobs. I GIVE UP! I'll see if I can be more useful elsewhere.

 

Sorry that your life isn't what you want it to be. It CAN be though if you allow it to be but you won't. One day you'll hopefully figure that out.

 

I'm really not being mean. I just don't see what good it does to keep going on and on with this. Like others have said...I feel like I'm just banging my head against the wall. I have MUCH better uses for my time.

 

I've probably only succeeded in making you feel worse again. Sorry, for that. Hope it all works out for you.

[veronese]

I am sure you are still grieving the loss of your father Lisl.

 

You became involved with your MM at a time of heightened vulnerability which most likely only served to intensify your emotions for him.

 

To be without another loved one so soon after the death of your father could quite possibly feel like experiencing bereavement all over again. A person doesn't have to be dead for their absence to be mourned.

 

Lisl, my guess is that you are going through so much pain right now you are unlikely to be able to do anything more than get through each day. I believe you are truly suffering these losses and are bereft without your dad and your MM. It's natural to feel this way and will take time to recover from.

 

If Lisl feels as wretched as I did when I discovered my H's infidelities I cannot imagine her capable of making constructive decisions about her future or in the right frame of mind for positive thoughts or actions.

 

Lisl, it will take time but you will wake up one day and find the cloud above you is lifting.

 

Take care

 

v

[veronese]

...Lisl, I re-read your first post just now. Am I correct in thinking your MM met up with you that day and told you he had told his wife about you over the weekend? This being immediately after your bust up with him when you'd mentioned letting his wife know?

 

Did you ever have proof of this? Or did you just have his word?

 

If you have no other evidence to prove he told her, I suspect he didn't but used it as an excuse,probably in reaction to the possibility of you spilling the beans.

 

I wonder if she's as much in the dark as she always was? Just wondering.

 

V x

[liswil]

You know what? I could go point by point on your arguments here and discount every one of them like you did mine. But I'm not. You know why? I give up! I GIVE UP! Like the crisis line, like the counselor. You cannot be helped now. You know why? You DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED!

 

None of your points above are valid. You've twisted what I've said. Ok, just forget it. You're too old to get married and there are no jobs. I GIVE UP! I'll see if I can be more useful elsewhere.

 

Sorry that your life isn't what you want it to be. It CAN be though if you allow it to be but you won't. One day you'll hopefully figure that out.

 

I'm really not being mean. I just don't see what good it does to keep going on and on with this. Like others have said...I feel like I'm just banging my head against the wall. I have MUCH better uses for my time.

 

I've probably only succeeded in making you feel worse again. Sorry, for that. Hope it all works out for you.

 

You know, I should have known you were just asking me to give you more info just so you could lash out at me again.

 

I've made valid points. You just can't tolerate that so you back out of what you said.

[liswil]

I am sure you are still grieving the loss of your father Lisl.

 

You became involved with your MM at a time of heightened vulnerability which most likely only served to intensify your emotions for him.

 

To be without another loved one so soon after the death of your father could quite possibly feel like experiencing bereavement all over again. A person doesn't have to be dead for their absence to be mourned.

 

Lisl, my guess is that you are going through so much pain right now you are unlikely to be able to do anything more than get through each day. I believe you are truly suffering these losses and are bereft without your dad and your MM. It's natural to feel this way and will take time to recover from.

 

Yeah you pretty much summed it up. Thing is, I was feeling as bad as I am now at the time thanks to everything going bad and a guy I was involved with suddenly leaving--after he kept telling me nothing was wrong.

 

When I met MM, things changed. He made me feel great. Now I'm back to where I was with the life I had.

 

You never told me why you stayed with you H.