Separated and very lonely

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

I've been separated from my wife for last couple months. It's been really tough. I really miss her. I miss her presence, I miss talking to her, and it's kind of weird to me that we have reached this point in our relationship and unfortunately, it is more likely to end. The weirdest thing is how something like this can leave such a big void. This is my second marriage and despite having the experience in dealing with loneliness from my first divorce, it still feels really empty. I have friends, family but it's almost as if no one is checking in on me or seeing how I'm doing. It makes the loneliness worse. I have told few of my closest friends that we are dealing with the separation but after the initial, very sorry to hear that, no follow up of any kind. I'm reaching out to friends that I haven't spoken with in a while because I'm so desperate for human contact. Someone that will just listen to me and help me through the process. 

I do see a counselor, she is exceptional and has provided some clarity during this tough time. Unfortunately, our appointments are every couple weeks and the time between is very taxing. In addition to this separation, I'm also dealing with some major life changes impacting me simultaneously and I recently came off my antidepressant medication couple months ago which provided me some buffer that I currently don't have. I'd rather try to stay off the medication for now, feel the sadness, take it all in but at the moment, it's really, really difficult. I guess I'm trying to reach out here to get any human contact that I really need now. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

 I recently came off my antidepressant medication couple months ago 

Sorry this is happening. What is the reason for the separation? Do you drink? It the lassitude of chronic depression a factor?

Much of what you described seems like chronic untreated/under treated depression.

See a physician for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. That's a good place to start.

Freinds can lend support but you'll burn them out by expecting too much.

Do you work? Do you belong to clubs, groups, sports and volunteer?

Get more involved in life. Get a side hustle, take some classes and courses.

Most of all stop undermining yourself by not treating the depression appropriately.

 

[FMW]

10 hours ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

I recently came off my antidepressant medication couple months ago which provided me some buffer that I currently don't have. I'd rather try to stay off the medication for now, feel the sadness, take it all in but at the moment, it's really, really difficult. 

Friends and family can only handle so much talking and sympathizing over what you're going through right now.  

Ultimately, time is what is required to heal. Maybe now isn't the time to go cold turkey on the medication.  Consider tapering off over a longer period of time.  Your end goal can be getting off the meds completely, but you don't have to accomplish that all at once.  We all need coping mechanisms.  Taking the medication will buy you some time to learn other ways to deal with the loss you're feeling.  Physical activity and participation in hobbies and interests are usually a big help in getting through heartbreak and loss.

 

[Sand__ra]

16 hours ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

I've been separated from my wife for last couple months. It's been really tough. I really miss her. I miss her presence, I miss talking to her, and it's kind of weird to me that we have reached this point in our relationship and unfortunately, it is more likely to end. The weirdest thing is how something like this can leave such a big void. This is my second marriage and despite having the experience in dealing with loneliness from my first divorce, it still feels really empty. I have friends, family but it's almost as if no one is checking in on me or seeing how I'm doing. It makes the loneliness worse. I have told few of my closest friends that we are dealing with the separation but after the initial, very sorry to hear that, no follow up of any kind. I'm reaching out to friends that I haven't spoken with in a while because I'm so desperate for human contact. Someone that will just listen to me and help me through the process. 

I do see a counselor, she is exceptional and has provided some clarity during this tough time. Unfortunately, our appointments are every couple weeks and the time between is very taxing. In addition to this separation, I'm also dealing with some major life changes impacting me simultaneously and I recently came off my antidepressant medication couple months ago which provided me some buffer that I currently don't have. I'd rather try to stay off the medication for now, feel the sadness, take it all in but at the moment, it's really, really difficult. I guess I'm trying to reach out here to get any human contact that I really need now. Thank you.

I'm going through something similar but I'm not on meds and never been, but I have experienced suicidal thoughts. It's been 5 months since we first separated but we still see each other quite often. I would suggest that you go for a walk every day especially on a place with more people, just enjoy your freedom. I know it's not a good place to be at the moment, I can feel your pain, but it could be worse, eventually you'll heal and move on. 

[glows]

17 hours ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

I've been separated from my wife for last couple months. It's been really tough. I really miss her. I miss her presence, I miss talking to her, and it's kind of weird to me that we have reached this point in our relationship and unfortunately, it is more likely to end. The weirdest thing is how something like this can leave such a big void. This is my second marriage and despite having the experience in dealing with loneliness from my first divorce, it still feels really empty. I have friends, family but it's almost as if no one is checking in on me or seeing how I'm doing. It makes the loneliness worse. I have told few of my closest friends that we are dealing with the separation but after the initial, very sorry to hear that, no follow up of any kind. I'm reaching out to friends that I haven't spoken with in a while because I'm so desperate for human contact. Someone that will just listen to me and help me through the process. 

I do see a counselor, she is exceptional and has provided some clarity during this tough time. Unfortunately, our appointments are every couple weeks and the time between is very taxing. In addition to this separation, I'm also dealing with some major life changes impacting me simultaneously and I recently came off my antidepressant medication couple months ago which provided me some buffer that I currently don't have. I'd rather try to stay off the medication for now, feel the sadness, take it all in but at the moment, it's really, really difficult. I guess I'm trying to reach out here to get any human contact that I really need now. Thank you.

It takes time. It wasn't until month 8 when I started to feel more like myself. Be kind to yourself and feel the sadness or cry if you need to cry. Check into LS if that helps too. 

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

Wiseman + FMW,

Thank you both very much for your kindness and time to respond. To answer some questions upfront. Both of us are in a very stressful professional school and are about half way through. I'm retired from first career and she will be starting her first after we finish our schooling. No substance abuse here, I really have my life put together. I did get diagnosed with ADHD couple years ago and I'm in my 40s. Everything that comes with the disability is pretty much to a T for me. I have learned many things about myself throughout my life. I have become a much better person throughout my struggles and I am able to see my faults without a huge hit to the ego and try to be the best person I can be. 

Unfortunately, I was on antidepressants and although I can feel the difference not being on them, it is not debilitating in any way. I just feel a little bit less resilience due to my less than ideal mood. There have been couple set backs in last month that compounded with everything else has really put a burden on me. The relationship is one that is really the biggest issue. 

My wife and I have been together for over 7 years. She is 10 years younger than me and we are for the most part a really good match. We are matched intellectually and have such a strong connection that goes beyond superficial. One of the things that has caused a huge wedge in our relationship is our sexual mismatch. She wants a strict monogamous relationship without even looking at porn, she used to fantasise with me but that has stopped a year ago. I would prefer more sexual freedom and would even be ok if we both had an open relationship. Although I was ok with monogamy at first, her strict form of it has been a huge turn off. I still find her sexually attractive, but my sexual desire for her is not existent. I think mostly because she doesn't acknowledge my needs and desires or even tries to meet me halfway. She is extremely insecure, jealous and possessive. She is very loyal, loving and wants a very closed relationship. To me this is a killer. I'm very much an extrovert, I need human contact outside my marriage and I flirt with both girls and guys. She of course really gets bent out of shape if my flirting is with girls especially with girls she finds threatening. I don't cross any boundaries that would be a reasonable expectation.

It's really unfortunate because I used to be just like her in my 20s and after realizing why I was doing it, I learned that jealousy although normal is just our natural response to a threat that we can use our cognitive ability to dampen when not necessary. I cannot convince her of this, she needs to get to this conclusion on her own, but it's sad to me that we are such a good match in so many ways but this one things has created such turmoil. It affects everything. She withdraws when she gets hurt. Our marriage has become so out of whack because I feel like I do everything around the house from earning our income, to paying bills, to taking care of functionality of everything. Most of life burden in our relationship falls on me and has made me extremely tired, stressed out and quite frankly resentful. I have zero sexual energy for her and lot of it is from this aspect the other is her lack of being open minded. 

I'm really losing any hope that things will change and we have been no contact for past couple months. She moved out with one of her family members and I'm now by myself in our home. I'm extremely lonely and now due to school and few other things, giving this time is almost impossible for the time and I'm really scared that the writing on the wall is too difficult to avoid. At times I just want to rip the band aid off and be done with it but part of me wants this to be a possibility in working out. 

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

I'm sorry Sandra you are going through this as well. Please have someone to reach out to if you feel that life is just too overwhelming to continue. At moments of despair, it is easy to make choices that can be devastating. I hope you have this person. 

The silence in my home is deafening. I finally started to break down couple days ago. I come home, no one is here, it's quite and that is the worst. I've been trying to go out with friends. That has been helping but I never want to overly rely on their companionship because at this moment I'm very needy and I don't want to take advantage of their relationship. It's really weird to be in a relationship for so long that interactions with the outside world seem awkward and alien when you are now by yourself, despite being an extrovert and love socializing. It's bad enough that I have ADHD, and I overshare to begin with, but when I'm needy during these situations it's even more evident. 

I go to the gym every other day, I'm in shape and I eat healthy so that has been a reprieve for sure. Maybe I just need to accept that this grief is going to be the uncomfortable reality for time being. 

 

Glows,

I appreciate it and I agree it takes time. I just want to make sure I make it a healthy grieving period. The period after a long relationship always sucks because most friends we have made, are couples and now it's difficult to be the third wheel and expect the same types of relationships. I wish there was a chat room where people can meet up and talk to one another. 

[S2B]

I sorry you are hurting.

can you join a few clubs? Can you take an art class? 

get out and try and meet people.

maybe consider getting a room mate - since you don’t like a quiet home - or possibly adopt a dog… dogs are the best companions.

[glows]

How do you think of healthy grieving period? Where does that phrase come from? Healthy to me means learning resilience despite pain or chaos, acknowledging the graces and kindnesses of others but not depending on it for too long. I leaned on people I could trust but I knew that couldn't continue so threw myself into my work (my drug of choice). I also enlisted the help of local community (my community members) and joined support groups within that community. This worked well for me because I had the opportunity to reaffirm some values and beliefs I long had but were somewhat faded due to the circumstances. I knew from the start I didn't want to join a group where we had to discuss our personal issues. In this way I was taken out of my grief also and saw what others saw, borrowing their eyes for awhile or their minds, even while I was not feeling very well. I stopped attending after about six months because I discovered I wanted to learn new things and the meetings were exceedingly long but the community is always there. 

I think it's better to engage with others meaningfully always rather than to base kinship on trauma or events that are damaging. I haven't found it useful to focus on that kind of pain for too long. Time heals those wounds. Find kinship based on shared interests rather than shared pain. If you feel you do need to speak with someone I'd suggest counselling one-on-one with someone trained to help and offer guidance.

It'll take awhile to get your bearings but it will happen. Two months is still early and agonizing. Give yourself more time and keep searching for experiences that nourish you, not take you back a few steps backwards. Best wishes.

 

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your here. 

When i got seperated i went on sosiale media and made alot of friends. 

Kept the tv on with out sound just to have some movement in the house. 

But i stayed mostly outdoor. That was maybe it would help you ease some of the lonlynes.

Best of luck. 

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

On 9/10/2021 at 10:15 PM, S2B said:

I sorry you are hurting.

can you join a few clubs? Can you take an art class? 

get out and try and meet people.

maybe consider getting a room mate - since you don’t like a quiet home - or possibly adopt a dog… dogs are the best companions.

Thank you for great suggestions. I have been reaching out to few friends last few days and that has helped a lot. Due to my school it has been really tough finding time but I will need to try over the weekends. Oh man I want a dogo bad but me not being home often would be tough for a new dog. I wish I had one though.

On 9/10/2021 at 10:17 PM, glows said:

How do you think of healthy grieving period? Where does that phrase come from? Healthy to me means learning resilience despite pain or chaos, acknowledging the graces and kindnesses of others but not depending on it for too long. I leaned on people I could trust but I knew that couldn't continue so threw myself into my work (my drug of choice). I also enlisted the help of local community (my community members) and joined support groups within that community. This worked well for me because I had the opportunity to reaffirm some values and beliefs I long had but were somewhat faded due to the circumstances. I knew from the start I didn't want to join a group where we had to discuss our personal issues. In this way I was taken out of my grief also and saw what others saw, borrowing their eyes for awhile or their minds, even while I was not feeling very well. I stopped attending after about six months because I discovered I wanted to learn new things and the meetings were exceedingly long but the community is always there. 

I think it's better to engage with others meaningfully always rather than to base kinship on trauma or events that are damaging. I haven't found it useful to focus on that kind of pain for too long. Time heals those wounds. Find kinship based on shared interests rather than shared pain. If you feel you do need to speak with someone I'd suggest counselling one-on-one with someone trained to help and offer guidance.

It'll take awhile to get your bearings but it will happen. Two months is still early and agonizing. Give yourself more time and keep searching for experiences that nourish you, not take you back a few steps backwards. Best wishes.

 

I think healthy grieving for me is one where a person takes care of themselves throughout the process. Have a healthy diet, continue going to the gym and be mindful. I think feeling the grief is normal and I welcome that but the loneliness can be really tough. Thank you for your kind words. 

On 9/11/2021 at 2:32 AM, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry your here. 

When i got seperated i went on sosiale media and made alot of friends. 

Kept the tv on with out sound just to have some movement in the house. 

But i stayed mostly outdoor. That was maybe it would help you ease some of the lonlynes.

Best of luck. 

Thank you so much for your kind message. I'm welcoming all these ideas ^^ some are new so I will try them.

[Harry Korsnes]

2 hours ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

Thank you for great suggestions. I have been reaching out to few friends last few days and that has helped a lot. Due to my school it has been really tough finding time but I will need to try over the weekends. Oh man I want a dogo bad but me not being home often would be tough for a new dog. I wish I had one though.

I think healthy grieving for me is one where a person takes care of themselves throughout the process. Have a healthy diet, continue going to the gym and be mindful. I think feeling the grief is normal and I welcome that but the loneliness can be really tough. Thank you for your kind words. 

Thank you so much for your kind message. I'm welcoming all these ideas ^^ some are new so I will try them.

And another thing you need to get pissed at her dont let her leed the show!

[Gypsy_Soul]

Hi, it might help you to move on if you could just be happy for her that she gets to move on to find someone else who will give her what she wants in a relationship/marriage. She wants monogamy and you want sexual freedom which includes flirting and watching porn. With the pornography addiction pandemic going on right now, I think she deserves someone who will only desire her and give her the intimacy that she desires. Let her be happy.   

[Wiseman2]

On 9/10/2021 at 8:50 PM, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

She wants a strict monogamous relationship. I would prefer more sexual freedom and would even be ok if we both had an open relationship. Although I was ok with monogamy at first, her strict form of it has been a huge turn off. 

Well now you have your freedom for all forms of  relationships, which is what you wanted. 

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

5 hours ago, Gypsy_Soul said:

Hi, it might help you to move on if you could just be happy for her that she gets to move on to find someone else who will give her what she wants in a relationship/marriage. She wants monogamy and you want sexual freedom which includes flirting and watching porn. With the pornography addiction pandemic going on right now, I think she deserves someone who will only desire her and give her the intimacy that she desires. Let her be happy.   

Although I want nothing more than for her to feel happy I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn and wanting sexual freedom. When you say pornography addiction pandemic, this is in some way a form of shaming for something you might find undesirable but is not what that label makes it out to be. It's very easy to veer towards traditionalism and reject anything different because that is the societally programed norm. Monogamy in my opinion is not the natural predisposition of humans. Our cultural and societal norms have shoe horned that to be the normal when it goes against all natural human instincts. Best relationships should allow freedom to benefit more than just one person and in my opinion any relationship that instils rigid rules will never work out or at a minimum will always make one person feel miserable. I've seen it too many times. People live their lives according to how others want them to live. This is especially true with religion which does a fine job in shaming everyone it finds veering from their rigid fabricated norms. 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

Although I want nothing more than for her to feel happy I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn and wanting sexual freedom. When you say pornography addiction pandemic, this is in some way a form of shaming for something you might find undesirable but is not what that label makes it out to be. It's very easy to veer towards traditionalism and reject anything different because that is the societally programed norm. Monogamy in my opinion is not the natural predisposition of humans. Our cultural and societal norms have shoe horned that to be the normal when it goes against all natural human instincts. Best relationships should allow freedom to benefit more than just one person and in my opinion any relationship that instils rigid rules will never work out or at a minimum will always make one person feel miserable. I've seen it too many times. People live their lives according to how others want them to live. This is especially true with religion which does a fine job in shaming everyone it finds veering from their rigid fabricated norms. 

You are entitled to that of course. You know better now about yourself and what you need in a partnership or relationship. It's best to disclose that you are not monogamous to all partners going forward so that doesn't lead anyone on who is monogamous to believe that you are. You won't find yourself having to justify or keep explaining your choices.

 

[TakeMeToTheCoast]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

You are entitled to that of course. You know better now about yourself and what you need in a partnership or relationship. It's best to disclose that you are not monogamous to all partners going forward so that doesn't lead anyone on who is monogamous to believe that you are. You won't find yourself having to justify or keep explaining your choices.

 

Definitely agree. I used to think monogamy was normal for everyone so I just figured that most relationships follow a certain pattern. It has definitely come to my understanding that we are all into different things and no one should live in any strict standard that is mostly created by culture and society. I know those things about myself now and will be looking for different things going forward. 

 

[Gypsy_Soul]

17 hours ago, TakeMeToTheCoast said:

Although I want nothing more than for her to feel happy I don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn and wanting sexual freedom. When you say pornography addiction pandemic, this is in some way a form of shaming for something you might find undesirable but is not what that label makes it out to be. It's very easy to veer towards traditionalism and reject anything different because that is the societally programed norm. Monogamy in my opinion is not the natural predisposition of humans. Our cultural and societal norms have shoe horned that to be the normal when it goes against all natural human instincts. Best relationships should allow freedom to benefit more than just one person and in my opinion any relationship that instils rigid rules will never work out or at a minimum will always make one person feel miserable. I've seen it too many times. People live their lives according to how others want them to live. This is especially true with religion which does a fine job in shaming everyone it finds veering from their rigid fabricated norms. 

Not shaming you or anyone. I mentioned that because for some just like alcohol and any other drug, pornography is highly addictive and destroys the addicted person and their relationships. Not everyone is affected, just like some consume alcohol in moderation, but for some it is addictive and they become alcoholics. I never knew this was the case until I experienced it with my previous relationship. It destroys the brain and start to view people as pieces of meat. I'm sure she, your wife, doesn't want to experience or deal with any of that. Monogamy is okay too if that's what she desires. I hope you find what you are seeking. You two have grown apart it seems and that happens. Learn from this and grow.