Marriage break up

[Mark31]

My wife has recently announced our 11 year relationship (7 years married) is over and has moved out. She said she no longer is in love with me. 
however she recently met a guy before we separated walking our dog, then started doing some work for him as she’s self employed, and they were spending time together walking the dogs and discussing work. 
I believe she has had an emotional affair and has recently told me she’s now seeing him and having sex with him only 4-5 weeks after leaving me and pretty much since the day she moved out! 
she’s blamed it all on me not being attentive or intimate enough and said things weren’t great (we did argue and addressed a few issues in the past 12 months but didn’t think it was marriage over time). She says she doesn’t owe me any explanation anymore & has cut me out of her life just like that. They have been secretly meeting up, texting etc and I believe something happened before she told me the marriage was over but cannot prove this! 
I’m naturally heartbroken and still love her and have tried and tried to rekindle our relationship but she’s not interested it seems despite being very emotional when near me and wishing I’d fought more 6-12 months ago. I do realise I took my eye off the ball but always loved her, provided for her and her children and have been caring and thoughtful. The first 9 years of 11 were great we were amazing together and both admit to that.

I don’t know what else to do to try and save our marriage? Or if it’s even worth trying to save? I’ve lost weight, struggling to sleep and get motivated, my world has been turned upside down and I just want her back. But how? And can it be saved? 
Any input appreciated thank you 

[mark clemson]

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

45 minutes ago, Mark31 said:

I don’t know what else to do to try and save our marriage? Or if it’s even worth trying to save?

IF she is unilaterally divorcing, sometimes there isn't much you can do.

It is quite possible that she "detached" from you some time ago and so monkeybranched to the new relationship and/or had it waiting in the wings and/or it has been an EA for a while. I don't know for certain that this is so from what you write, but all of those things are certainly not unheard of, unfortunately.

There is no sense in blaming yourself over the break-up and/or affair. She could have chosen to work on/continue working on the marriage, but did not.

IF you can get court-admissible evidence that there was an affair, in some states/jurisdictions, that can net you a better settlement in a divorce. However, that would be a question for a lawyer.

You probably want to see a counselor as it sounds like you are (understandably) quite distressed with the weight loss, difficulty sleeping, etc. Definitely take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Once you have gotten past this, you'll eventually be in a good place to start a new and hopefully better/more long-lasting relationship.

Edited September 11, 2021 by mark clemson

[Mark31]

Thanks Mark. 
she only met this guy about 6/7 weeks before announcing the marriage was over, so relatively new. Just so out of the ordinary to act so quickly and to jump ship to someone who is completely out of character, with very little to offer in terms of financial and past history. 
The financials in the divorce are not a concern it’s more my health and whether I continue fighting for it or let it go and accept - which I’m finding difficult to do. 
 

Am waiting to see a counsellor sometime soon to help me through this. 
 

thank you for your input 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Mark31 said:

My wife has recently announced our 11 year relationship  is over and has moved out. She said she no longer is in love with me. 
 has cut me out of her life just like that.

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated?

Where did she move to? Where are her children?

Consult an attorney to discuss next steps from a logistics standpoint. She cannot just "cut you out".

You don't have to prove anything. She admits she's found someone else.

Take care of yourself. Talk to trusted friends and family.

 Get to a physician for an evaluation of mental and physical health. Ask for a referral to a therapist for support.

[Mark31]

We are separated only by living in different homes.she’s moved about 5 miles away with her kids (15 & 17). We didn’t have any together as was a 2nd marriage for both of us. My kids are still with me. 
 

im looking after myself in terms of exercise, eating just struggling with sleep and constantly thinking of her. Will get the appointment ASAP with a counsellor 

thank you 

[FMW]

Your wife has probably been dissatisfied with the marriage for some time and either didn't try to to talk to you about it or possibly you didn't pick up on what she was saying. Unfortunately marriages don't always go the distance, as you are well aware.

For the sake of your health, mental and physical, I think you need to accept that your marriage is over.  Your wife seems definite in her decision and fighting it will only increase the detrimental health effects.

Consult an attorney and make sure your interests are protected.

Once you have time to digest everything, the fact that she's already seeing someone else should help you let go of lingering attachment.  Don't  hang on to someone who chooses to let you go.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Mark31 said:

m looking after myself in terms of exercise, eating just struggling with sleep and constantly thinking of her. Will get the appointment ASAP with a counsellor 

It will get better week by week just make sure not to talk or see her because that will set you back.  Wishing you the best.

[DividedTrail]

I'm sorry this is happening. I can just about guarantee everything she said to you is sprinkled with BS. The timelines, the reasons, etc.

She is even lying to herself that it's all your fault because of what you did or didn't do so she has a license to do what she wants and not feel guilty about it. It also gives her an excuse to tell her family and friends. She's probably revising history and telling herself it was always bad when that is likely not true.

As others have said and speaking from experience around my own mental state in my own marriage (I'm a guy), she checked out long ago. Think back over the past year and if the distance had grown between you both. Maybe she didn't know what to do or was to afraid and then Mr McDreamy comes along and that was the catalyst for her to march home to you and lay a steaming pile of crap at your feet.

You need to accept that she ended things and do what is right and healthy for you. Consult an attorney and a counselor.  You also need to decide if and when this blows up in her face and she realizes this guy has faults too. Would you take her back? If so, under what conditions?

[usa1ah]

Read the 180. The only thing your doing begging like you are is pushing her further away. No one likes someone that is acting weak and pathetic. 
 

Expose what is going on to EVERYONE. 
 

Yes! She was cheating on you before she left. 
 

Get the best divorce lawyer you can find and file. 

[usa1ah]

5 hours ago, Mark31 said:

Thanks Mark. 
she only met this guy about 6/7 weeks before announcing the marriage was over, so relatively new. Just so out of the ordinary to act so quickly and to jump ship to someone who is completely out of character, with very little to offer in terms of financial and past history. 
The financials in the divorce are not a concern it’s more my health and whether I continue fighting for it or let it go and accept - which I’m finding difficult to do. 
 

Am waiting to see a counsellor sometime soon to help me through this. 
 

thank you for your input 

Let it go. Your better then this. 
 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Sorry for what you are going through. I was in your shoes in later 2018, similar scenario but my husband was the one who cheated. Agree with all the prior comments and advice, and sounds like you are taking care of yourself with exercise, good nutrition, and getting a counselor appointment set up.

It will get easier but definitely sucks when it seems to come from no where. She likely was checked out long before. Upon reflection I also realized that about my husband. Just wanted to send my virtual support.

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Read the 180. The only thing your doing begging like you are is pushing her further away. No one likes someone that is acting weak and pathetic. 
 

Expose what is going on to EVERYONE. 
 

Yes! She was cheating on you before she left. 
 

Get the best divorce lawyer you can find and file. 

I was going to suggest the 180 as well. You need to start finding ways to make yourself busy, so your mind gets a break. Counseling will help for sure. Sounds like you have hit pretty hard depression (I lost 20 lbs when I learned of my xWH's affair, and I did not have 20 lbs to lose), nothing like heartbreak to drop the pounds. I am really sorry you are hurting. But is someone who decides to cope like this instead of fixing things really worth all this anguish? That doesn't take away the hurt, obviously, but it could help you to start moving on from wanting her back to not caring any longer. 

[salparadise]

Full acceptance of what happened, letting go of her completely, taking the best care of yourself and your children is key to healing. It’s a process and may take more time than you wish. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need, understanding that it’s a loss, but it doesn’t define you. How you feel is a passing thing, it’s not who you are, just a temporary state of mind. You will get through it and be your best self again. It was her choice, and that’s on her not you. You didn’t quit, she did. Keep these things in mind, and be aware that the feelings are like passing clouds. Wishing you peace and fulfillment on the other side of this unfortunate occurrence. 

I went through something similar a few years back, so I can relate to how you’re probably feeling when it’s fresh. One day at a time. Find something congruent to focus on (like your kids). Find someone to talk to- talking is how we process. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mark, I guess you are in a lot of pain right now and the words of advice and comfort that the good folk here are giving you. However, life goes on and you have to find the strength to carry on with your life as best you can, especially for the sake of your children.

I wanted to know a few thongs about your situation if you feel up to it to let us know. The first is how old are you and how old is your stbx wife? Secondly, you said this was the second marriage for both of you. What were the reasons for your first marriage having dissolved and what was hers? Third, how many children do you have and how old ate they as also the same for hers? Fourth, is your wife capable of supporting herself and her children on her own income or do you need to  pitch in with financial help? Lastly what was your relationship with her kids and that of your kids with hers? Were the kids a source of conflict between you and her?

An answer to these questions will help shed light on the genesis of your problem to some significant extent and help folks here hive you more focussed advice. Till then all the very best to you and warm regards.

[Mark31]

I am 46 and my ex wife is 42. The first marriages broke down hers because of unhappiness and unreliability, mine due to a controlling ex wife and incompatability. All 4 children got on very well (ages now 17,15,13 & 11) and we've been together 10/11 years so grown up together from 6,4,3 & 1.

She was good with my kids I was good with hers. We did have arguments about the children and parenting etc, who doesn't but nothing drastic. She is capable of supporting herself and has moved out 4 weeks ago, supported by her "well to do" sister! I will not be providing for a cheating ex wife that is for sure! I solely provided for the whole of our relationship, not anymore!

[DKT3]

Well, I would say she started up with this guy around the same time you guys started arguing,  you say about a year? 

 

[Mark31]

Impossible as she only met him in May this year. Maybe June onwards yes and she announced the marriage was over July 8th. Moved quick that's for sure!! 

[DKT3]

Who said they just met at that point? Her?

Cheaters lie, minimize and do alot to make it the betrayed spouses fault. 

I highly doubt a woman with two children that has been supported by her husband would walk away with some guy she just met.

In reality its irrelevant,  but in the weeks and months ahead you will find out a number of things about her you didn't know. 

[Mark31]

I know that as we had only just got a dog and they met walking their dogs, then she started working for him, then it went from there. I don't get it either to walk away from all she had to someone who has nothing, just don't understand her logic. Yes it will come out in the wash that's for certain! She'll be loser in the longrun as it will end in tears. 

 

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

In reality its irrelevant,  but in the weeks and months ahead you will find out a number of things about her you didn't know. 

It’s a strange feeling isn’t it, when you trust and believe in someone completely, and then you realize (because they show you) it was all a delusion. I wonder how many times before a person just gives up believing altogether?

[DKT3]

9 hours ago, Mark31 said:

I know that as we had only just got a dog and they met walking their dogs, then she started working for him, then it went from there. I don't get it either to walk away from all she had to someone who has nothing, just don't understand her logic. Yes it will come out in the wash that's for certain! She'll be loser in the longrun as it will end in tears. 

 

I hate to keep banging this drum, but its really important that you start to see her for exactly who she is. 

Having been through this and spending a long time being supported then supporting betrayed husband’s,  let me tell you the most likely scenario. 

Your WW meet and started an affair with the guy shortly before the arguments started. Their relationship grow over that period to the point she wanted to be with him more openly.  Enter the dog walking and job. Its most likely a set up. Likely to introduce the kids, without banging your alarm bells.

I get it, its hard for you to think she is capable,  it will become more obvious. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by DKT3

[colingrant]

On 9/11/2021 at 2:10 PM, Mark31 said:

My wife has recently announced our 11 year relationship (7 years married) is over and has moved out. She said she no longer is in love with me. 
however she recently met a guy before we separated walking our dog, then started doing some work for him as she’s self employed, and they were spending time together walking the dogs and discussing work. 
I believe she has had an emotional affair and has recently told me she’s now seeing him and having sex with him only 4-5 weeks after leaving me and pretty much since the day she moved out! 
she’s blamed it all on me not being attentive or intimate enough and said things weren’t great (we did argue and addressed a few issues in the past 12 months but didn’t think it was marriage over time). She says she doesn’t owe me any explanation anymore & has cut me out of her life just like that. They have been secretly meeting up, texting etc and I believe something happened before she told me the marriage was over but cannot prove this! 
I’m naturally heartbroken and still love her and have tried and tried to rekindle our relationship but she’s not interested it seems despite being very emotional when near me and wishing I’d fought more 6-12 months ago. I do realise I took my eye off the ball but always loved her, provided for her and her children and have been caring and thoughtful. The first 9 years of 11 were great we were amazing together and both admit to that.

I don’t know what else to do to try and save our marriage? Or if it’s even worth trying to save? I’ve lost weight, struggling to sleep and get motivated, my world has been turned upside down and I just want her back. But how? And can it be saved? 
Any input appreciated thank you 

Sure you want to save a marriage where only one person wants to be married? Saving a worthy marriage are actions taken when both want the same thing. She doesn't want you. She wants another man. Give her what she wants and find an upgrade for yourself. Save you. Not the marriage. 

[glows]

17 hours ago, Mark31 said:

I know that as we had only just got a dog and they met walking their dogs, then she started working for him, then it went from there. I don't get it either to walk away from all she had to someone who has nothing, just don't understand her logic. Yes it will come out in the wash that's for certain! She'll be loser in the longrun as it will end in tears. 

 

That's good that you're looking for counselling to help you through this. Don't look for any more details about her ongoings and stop her if she decides to overshare. At this point you know that she's involved with someone else and wants a divorce so find a lawyer and start working on the divorce. Keep your distance and discuss details through your lawyer. You're no longer a couple so it's best to accept this first and then let time do the healing.

[DKT3]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

That's good that you're looking for counselling to help you through this. Don't look for any more details about her ongoings and stop her if she decides to overshare. At this point you know that she's involved with someone else and wants a divorce so find a lawyer and start working on the divorce. Keep your distance and discuss details through your lawyer. You're no longer a couple so it's best to accept this first and then let time do the healing.

Sounds good, only problem is he's human.  Even if he successfully does make it to and through divorce without knowing,  it won't end there. The who what whens and whys will nag and eat at him.

Best to get as much as he can now so he can properly start to move on and not look back.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

I agree, just go no contact and put all your energy into yourself and your kids.  The relationship she is in now won't last, then when you are a better version of yourself, she'll come knocking at your door again, then you can have the full salinification of rejecting her completely.  Best thing you can do from this point forward is to pretend she died, essentially, that's what happened, grieve and move on without her presence.