Just a Guy Posted September 14, 2021 Share Posted September 14, 2021 Hi Mark sorry for the circumstances in which your wife exited the relationship with you! I would like to ask you how long had she been divorced from her previous husband when she met you? Also, how long had you been divorced before you met her? Did either of you have infidelity as a factor in the reason for the breakup of your marriages? How long were you single before you met your stbx wife? The answers to these questions will probably lead to some answers as to why your wife left so suddenly. My own suspicion is that your wife has a problem with commitment which is why she made the excuse of unreliability and unhappiness for breaking up with her first husband. When she met you you were someone who she met on the rebound and decided that you were a safe bet in the short term If she was not happy with you she could find someone else and she must have had her eye out for that someone else. When she found him she jumped ship to him. He, too, is not likely to last long. She will find someone else. With her this routine will continue. Thank your lucky stars! Warm regards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark31 Posted September 14, 2021 Author Share Posted September 14, 2021 Hi, we met 6 months after we both left our previous, and have been together 11 years so not as if she just jumps ship is it, 11 years is a long time! So we’d both had 6 months alone. Very much out of character her actions that’s for sure but suppose I’ll never know the truth now. I agree her current won’t last as that is a rebound relationship for certain! Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted September 14, 2021 Share Posted September 14, 2021 What you need to do is served her the the papers, dont eaven have contact with her. You dont need this dont eaven let her know how your coping. The best revenge is living your best life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted September 16, 2021 Share Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) So your WW hasn't moved in with him? I'm not sure from your posting. All you said was that she has moved a short distance away. [ ] If he's single and she hasn't moved in with him or he moved in with her then he could just be happy humping your wife, while he strings her along with sweet nothings. He may have no intention of living together and dealing with all the demands of children and family life, why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free? If that is the case the affair will burn out at some point when your wife realises she is just getting used for sex. She may then come crawling back or alternatively she could just be done. Quote She’s blamed it all on me not being attentive or intimate enough and said things weren’t great While this could be true, there might be something else going on. Top tip, no marriage is perfect especially compared to the rainbows and unicorn fart land of affairs. Every marriage ebbs and flows, has ups and downs, times when you feel connected and times when you feel disconnected. It's called life! She's got a mouth and a brain she could have talked to you, expressed her concerns and you could have both worked on the supposed marital shortcomings. What I think you're experiencing is known as 'rewriting the marital history' or 'the rationalisation hamster'. Sorry if you know about this and I'm teaching granny to suck eggs but it goes like this. The WS meets someone and starts bonding with them but then they realise they are cheating or about to cheat on their partner. This sets up quite a disconnect in their brain and either consciously or subconsciously they start rationalising what is going on. "Cheating is an immoral activity and cheats break up families" "But I'm not an immoral person" So over time they have to rewrite the marital history, "He/she's not attentive enough." " He/she's too controlling." "The marriage has been bad for years" "He always left the toilet seat up." "he/she must have had an affair" etc. They eventually persuade themselves that the marriage was so bad that they had to have an affair and they aren't immoral people after all. When the affair is uncovered this house of cards is exposed as the steaming pile of half truths it is. What exactly do you want to do? I get the feeling that you'd quite like to reconcile? Edited September 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator group berating, langauge Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 15 hours ago, Wade Lamare said: So your WW hasn't moved in with him? I'm not sure from your posting. All you said was that she has moved a short distance away. [ ] If he's single and she hasn't moved in with him or he moved in with her then he could just be happy humping your wife, while he strings her along with sweet nothings. He may have no intention of living together and dealing with all the demands of children and family life, why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free? If that is the case the affair will burn out at some point when your wife realises she is just getting used for sex. She may then come crawling back or alternatively she could just be done. While this could be true, there might be something else going on. Top tip, no marriage is perfect especially compared to the rainbows and unicorn fart land of affairs. Every marriage ebbs and flows, has ups and downs, times when you feel connected and times when you feel disconnected. It's called life! She's got a mouth and a brain she could have talked to you, expressed her concerns and you could have both worked on the supposed marital shortcomings. What I think you're experiencing is known as 'rewriting the marital history' or 'the rationalisation hamster'. Sorry if you know about this and I'm teaching granny to suck eggs but it goes like this. The WS meets someone and starts bonding with them but then they realise they are cheating or about to cheat on their partner. This sets up quite a disconnect in their brain and either consciously or subconsciously they start rationalising what is going on. "Cheating is an immoral activity and cheats break up families" "But I'm not an immoral person" So over time they have to rewrite the marital history, "He/she's not attentive enough." " He/she's too controlling." "The marriage has been bad for years" "He always left the toilet seat up." "he/she must have had an affair" etc. They eventually persuade themselves that the marriage was so bad that they had to have an affair and they aren't immoral people after all. When the affair is uncovered this house of cards is exposed as the steaming pile of half truths it is. What exactly do you want to do? I get the feeling that you'd quite like to reconcile? To fill in the bit that got modded out I speculated that he might be married. If so exposing the affair to the OBS would be in order. Don't rely on what your ex has told you as she has already proven herself untrustworthy. It might help if you provide a little more detail on him and the current situation. Personally, although I acknowledge the emotional pain you've been going through and would just like to say that you've been heard and have my sympathy I really feel bad for those poor children. You've been their father for the last 11 years and they probably fully identify with you as their 'real' father. Did you have a chance to say goodbye to them properly? Was the breakup handled well with respect to their emotional health? Children can sometimes blame themselves for breakups and are bewildered as to why the marriage has broken up. Do both sets of children miss each other? As the non biological father of her children I assume you have no rights of visitation? As you've been together 11 years I assume the children are all teens now? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Hi Mark, can you tell us a little bit about your relatiomship with your wife over these last 11 years? We're there moments when you were left wondering about her behavior towards you or any activities she indulged in which you found suspicious? Did she seem fully invested in your relationship all through or were there times when she seemed cold towards you. Was your sex life satisfying or were there problems if any and if so what kind of problems? Was she dismissive about any times when she was late fro. Work or a social outing? What about her phone behavior? Was she protective with it. Answers to these questions may help you with arriving at answers. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark31 Posted September 23, 2021 Author Share Posted September 23, 2021 Hi our relationship was great we had a fabulous togetherness, just the last 6-12 months whilst in Covid weren’t brilliant but not disasterous. There were no issues at all we were happily in love, no secretive behaviour and our sex life was fine. Even more reason as to why it’s happened is amazing me?! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 She has the grass is greener syndrome. since she is so easily swayed by a little attention be grateful you know now - she’s weak and lacks character if she ends a marriage that easily without trying to make it work and being honest about where she’s spending her time and energy. she also lies. Why would you want a liar? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark31 Posted September 23, 2021 Author Share Posted September 23, 2021 I get that and agree she thinks the grass is greener (it isn’t!) but 11 years generally all good certainly 9-10 of them. Life is a juggle and not all plain sailing. Just surprised by her behaviour as our life together has been a good one! Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 24, 2021 Share Posted September 24, 2021 Hi Mark, I just went back and read your opening post. Both you and your stbx wife have been married before and been through a divorce. That should have been a bitter lesson for both of you and hopefully taught you some hard lessons about marital life and relationships. You seemed to have learnt your lesson well but your stbx wife seems not to have learnt anything at all. This can only have been the reason that she upped and left you without a proper explanation of her decision and reasons for leaving a relationship which she built together with you over an extended period of time without batting an eyelid and only telling you that it was all your fault and that she did not owe you an explanation! This smacks of a very shallow personality and one which expects outside elements and others to provide her happiness in life, rather than looking inside and finding out what is wrong with herself because of which she finds happiness evading her. At 42 years of age if she has not been able to zero I'm on this simple fact then she is beyond redemption and you are well served in bring rid of her. She will keep shedding partners in search of her elusive goal till kingdom come but she will never be able to achieve it in her life time. Do not waste your time fretting over her or wondering why she did what she did because she is beyond repair. Be happy for yourself. Warm wishes. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted September 25, 2021 Share Posted September 25, 2021 On 9/24/2021 at 2:32 AM, S2B said: She has the grass is greener syndrome. It's called "Hypergamy" it's part of human nature and shows up in females. Evolution has had millions of years to make us who we are now. "The Grass is Greener Syndrome" is to seek out a better provider for her offspring for a better chance of survival or higher status for her and her offspring. "The Bigger Better Deal"... There is much more to it.... You are correct!!!😀 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted September 25, 2021 Share Posted September 25, 2021 On 9/15/2021 at 2:30 AM, Just a Guy said: My own suspicion is that your wife has a problem with commitment which is why she made the excuse of unreliability and unhappiness for breaking up with her first husband. When she met you you were someone who she met on the rebound and decided that you were a safe bet in the short term If she was not happy with you she could find someone else and she must have had her eye out for that someone else. When she found him she jumped ship to him. He, too, is not likely to last long. She will find someone else. With her this routine will continue. You just explained with a clear example of the saying: "She's not yours. It's only your turn". The time line varies with each time. Thank You!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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