Devastated or saw it coming?

[scobro]

I am curious to see how many situations were pure devastation and how many saw it coming and was just a matter of time.Were you devastated that your ex ended things or was your situation just a matter of time and you were not so surprised.Mine was pure surprise and devastation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I had a situation like that - but it was years before I allowed myself to see that it was happening long before it actually ended. Here's the 'surprise':

 

I was going to be engaged to a guy and was very excited about it. I was in love with this guy - we met, we fell in love, we moved in together. During the first summer we were together after I graduated, we were cleaning out and sorting through some stuff of his that he brought home from college (he graduated the semester before I did). I found this weird little wooden puzzle box and commented on it. He said "ah man! You blew my surprise!" He told me that he was going to put my engagement ring in it and put it back in the box - and give it to me for Christmas that year. It was supposed to be one of those things where I opened it, and saw a puzzle - he would ask me to solve the puzzle and when I got it open - there was the ring! Then, in front of his family he was going to propose. That was in July.

 

 

Lets skip ahead to Christmas. We flew up north to spend the holidays with his family there. Gifts were exchanged. I did not get the puzzle. I didn't say anything, wondering if he was going to pick a different time. The next night, we walked up to this one landmark bridge there - I remember it had snowed, it was beautiful - the moon was out and everything looked magical. We stood on the bridge and I thought "this is it!!" and he looked down, and said "I don't love you anymore, and I think we should end this." My world crashed down around me, and I had to spend the rest of that vacation with no way home, for the rest of the holiday. I spent most of it uncomfortably, because he had apparently told his family he was breaking up with me. Everyone tiptoed around that particular elephant in the living room. Blindsided, totally.

 

... or was I?

 

Lets skip back in time to July. Well... as the months after that dragged on from there, I was so excited about the engagement, that I didn't see the signs. I guess making it reality between us that early on more or less gave him time to rethink. He became distant, irritable and moody a lot. When his friends came over, after they left he'd become depressed and talk about how much he was going to 'miss them when he got married' (I guess he was buying into the marriage=no friends thing). July led to August and to September and October and by November at Thanksgiving we were barely speaking civilly to one another. He would be sarcastic, angry - calling me out all the time. There were sweet moments, but they dwindled. Every talk became an argument, but because there was that engagement in the future, it was all to easy to write a lot of that off. Hell, wishful thinking makes you ignore a lot of VERY important signs. I should have jumped ship by August, but I kept hanging on not realizing that by the time he dumped me, that it was already over.

 

I kept thinking... but, we were going to be engaged - he said so. I let my hope ride on that, ignoring the fact that it was ending. It wasn't until years later that I actually put aside my hurt, and analyzed it carefully. I replayed everything. Every little thing. He had been falling out of love with me, and I only let myself see it when it was far too late.

 

It became apparent what had been going on, and that I had not only been fighting it, I had been ignoring it as well. Was it out of the blue? Was I blindsided?

 

Only by myself.

 

What about you, what happened in your situation that you are posting about?

[Art_Critic]

because he had apparently told his family he was breaking up with me. Everyone tiptoed around that particular elephant in the living room.

 

Damn.. what an as*.. Talk about hurting someone on a holiday

 

Last relationship I was in I saw it coming.. I did the premptive dump and dumped her before she had a chance to dump me.

 

The surprise for me was weeks later when I realized I made a mistake

[scobro]

What about you, what happened in your situation that you are posting about?

Aug 6 I went to work kissed my wife goodbye thinking at any time I might become a father as my wife and I were trying to have a baby.I come back from work and my wife says "we need to talk"She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore ,she has no attraction for me and was un-happy with us and our marriage.WTF?I was devastated as she had done the same thing the year before but we went to counselling and worked it out.

This year like last year she claims she doesn't know how to communicate her feelings and she keeps it all inside and waits until the feelings have gone then she ends it.She acted happy and everything seemed "normal"but she has decided that she doesn't value marriage like I do and doesn't want to be married to me anymore.She is 37 and this is her 3rd marriage.(I know what you are thinking but I hate to judge people by their past but I guess the past usually repeats).She claims there is no-one else(but there was I found out later)(that is how her 2nd marriage ended she had an affair)and all she did is go out with her friends and party while I sat at home hurt confused and devastated waiting for her and wondering who she was with it was brutal..She even started dating some guy 2 weeks after ending things I found out because she called him while I was in the other room in tears over this whole situation.I moved Oct 1st into my own place.I do not contact her but she contacts me to see our dogs which I have now and plus she wants to stay in contact with my daughter her stepdaughter when we were together.I have let her see the dogs and my daughter once since being on my own and it's too hard for me I am going no contact for good so I can move on.

She acts like she has moved on and discarded me to the waste bucket.She has really no empathy and treats this like she is deciding to change hair dressers.She dumped her husband we were only married 2 years and she is ending it like we were dating 2 months"oh well its over no big deal" "next guy" attitude...........horrible.I think she really has narcissistic behaviour as she had no empathy for me while I was still living in the house.It got so bad I left 2 weeks early and put my stuff in storage I couldn,t handle being treated so bad with no compassion for my feelings on what she did.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In time, I was able to see what I gained in my life by his not being in it. I hope that in your case, you will be able to see the same one day.

 

I imagine its all still so raw right now. It is horrifying to see someone who has removed you from their context and have become an ice cold stranger to you as a result.

[dgiirl]

I was devastated. You can read my rantings in my history here. But in hindsight I could see the signs, and it was only a matter of time.

[KAris112297]

I imagine its all still so raw right now. It is horrifying to see someone who has removed you from their context and have become an ice cold stranger to you as a result.

 

 

It's harder when you live with them.

 

-KAris

[Trimmer]

Mark me down for devastated.

 

Together 18 yrs, married last 13yrs , 2 kids. In retrospect, we had been drifting apart, but I thought we were doing things to get back on track (moved to a different city to simplify our lifestyle, took up some new family activities, and started trying to spend time alone together). One day she says "I'm thinking of going to see a counselor", then over the next months, it changed to not wanting to see a counselor, doesn't love me any more, doesn't want to be married any more, this has been developing for a long time. And oh yes, there's an OM who developed over the last couple years, but sometimes she says he's just a friend, and sometimes she says she has feelings for him, and once I finally discovered some disturbing evidence, including some revealing text messages from him to her ( can anyone help me out here.... what does it mean when a guy says "I Love You." ??? ) then the show was pretty much over. She claims the OM isn't the cause - and that may be technically correct - but it certainly adds an additional stench.

 

Through it all (including another affair of hers 10 yrs ago), I believe I have loved her deeply, honestly, faithfully, and with all my heart, but perhaps not skillfully. By that, I mean that we, together, didn't learn how to love each other well, and we didn't take the opportunity of the first affair to heal what was wrong, to fix what was missing, and we just gradually drifted into our current slow-motion train-wreck from there. In retrospect, it is becoming more clear, and sometimes maybe even looks like it was inevitable, but still, count me in the devastated column. Right up to the end, I had faith in our love and partnership, and for me to let go of that faith felt like some kind of a betrayal. What a sap.

[scobro]

Mark me down for devastated.

 

Together 18 yrs, married last 13yrs , 2 kids. In retrospect, we had been drifting apart, but I thought we were doing things to get back on track (moved to a different city to simplify our lifestyle, took up some new family activities, and started trying to spend time alone together). One day she says "I'm thinking of going to see a counselor", then over the next months, it changed to not wanting to see a counselor, doesn't love me any more, doesn't want to be married any more, this has been developing for a long time. And oh yes, there's an OM who developed over the last couple years, but sometimes she says he's just a friend, and sometimes she says she has feelings for him, and once I finally discovered some disturbing evidence, including some revealing text messages from him to her ( can anyone help me out here.... what does it mean when a guy says "I Love You." ??? ) then the show was pretty much over. She claims the OM isn't the cause - and that may be technically correct - but it certainly adds an additional stench.

 

Through it all (including another affair of hers 10 yrs ago), I believe I have loved her deeply, honestly, faithfully, and with all my heart, but perhaps not skillfully. By that, I mean that we, together, didn't learn how to love each other well, and we didn't take the opportunity of the first affair to heal what was wrong, to fix what was missing, and we just gradually drifted into our current slow-motion train-wreck from there. In retrospect, it is becoming more clear, and sometimes maybe even looks like it was inevitable, but still, count me in the devastated column. Right up to the end, I had faith in our love and partnership, and for me to let go of that faith felt like some kind of a betrayal. What a sap.

 

Damn thats harsh brother,I feel for you.My wife said there is no-one else but I have since found out there was but she claims its"nothing serious just casual dating getting to know each other"(like that makes me feel better)and met the guy after she ended things(yeah right 2 weeks after what a coincedence).Probably lying but who cares really.Its just brutal to feel so betrayed but there are people out there who could not even consider betraying their mate and those are the women who you want.

[dgiirl]

Oh yes, the OW was just a friend... so much of a friend that when he told her he didnt want to see her again, she cried on the phone saying she understood and that she was proud he wanted to work on his marriage... such a friend that, he told me he had very strong feelings for her and wanted to see where the relationship would go... such a friend that he said that when he first saw her it was that instant chemistry that we had when we first met... such a friend that he told me he felt like he was cheating on HER being with me... yeah, "a friend". Ok, sure. Got some swap land for me too?

[helena abadi]

the signs are always unmistakable. it's whether we choose to see them. it's easier (and ultimately harder) to live in denial.

[tonyp56]

I have a thought, all the woman that have been cheated on, introduce yourself to us men that have been cheated on:laugh: that way maybe we could have a relationship and not have to worry about the other one cheating! I could have cheated on my wife, but I have morals, and I will not cheat on anyone that has given me her heart!

 

That said, I guess in many ways I saw it coming, I mean I forgave her for her affair, not once but three times. (one happened 4 or 5 years ago and I knew, 2nd happened about the same time, but didn't find out until number 3) Anyways, I like others, didn't think our relationship would ever end. I thought our love was strong enough to make it. I was foolish enough to believe that she and I would be together forever. I was wrong!

[scobro]

Tony thats harsh bro but check this out .My ex wife claims she didn'y have an affair on me but is dating someone 2 weeks after she ends things with us coincedence?doubt it,anyways she got cheated on by her first husband on their honeymoon:eek: she didn't find out till after they were divorced the reason being he got her best friend pregnant and left and started a new relationship with her:eek: .Now you would think this would make someone very against infedelity but my wifes second marriage ended in an affair after 10 months she cheated on him. I was number three (she is 37 by the way) and she ended it probably an affair after 2 years actuallt she ended it last years but we got back together and there was another guy involved:( Talk about messed up) .

[helena abadi]

scobro, i've read a lot of gut-wrenching stories on this site. yours is one of the most horrific i have read. the fact that she has become an ice cold stranger, and appears immune to the devastation she has caused, is shocking to even read about. this lack of empathy for the pain of other human beings...i struggle to understand it. some part of me wants to hurt people like that back with twice the intensity...

 

i hope you have good buddies to support you thru this. and yeah, it does read as tho she chewed you up and tossed you to the garbage. i've just read an excellent book called U-Turn - Putting You Back Into Your Relationship, which deals with people who get chewed up and spat out, and how to avoid it ever happening again. do you want details? i thought it was really helpful.

[tonyp56]

My wife is living with her new man! 2 weeks after she left me, and 2 weeks after she blamed it all on me, he moved in with her. See, in the beginning she was all about me being the problem, I finally backed off and said fine lets get a divorce. Well right off she starts asking, "can he come over?" which I said NO, then she said "how about when the kids aren't there?" and I said fine, but I don't want to know about it, I just don't want him around our kids until after divorce is finalized.

 

Well about a week later (2 weeks since she left) I go over and catch him there, and I said "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't let him over?" and she said "well you did a lot of things that I didn't like over the years!" Anyways, she could care less about me, her family could care less about me, and in fact, her family has had him over for dinner, and a week and half after she left her sister had to have him over so she could meet him!!!!!!! That made me mad!

 

We were together for 11 years, we had three kids, our last son was just born December of last year, and things I thought were OK. Perhaps not the best, but not that bad. She acts like the last 11 years never happened, that I mean nothing to her. She has told me since she left, "I was never attracted to you, I never really wanted you, having sex with you is uncomfortable, I was faking it most of the time," and she also told me that the first year of our relationship didn't count, even though we always agreed that it did before now.

 

You talk about cold shoulder, she is the one that would win the ice queen contest!!!!! We were together for over a decade, and she acts like I am just some person off of the streets. It wouldn't hurt so much if she would just tell me, "I love you, but I can't be married to you anymore, I want us to remain close for the kids, and blah, blah" then do what she says. She says that she loves and cares for me, but she isn't willing to call me, talk to me when I am around, etc... She acts like I am dead to her. She says that she is willing to be friends, but never acts it. I mean she completely cut me off emotionally, I have nothing from her. And she acts like it doesn't bother her one bit to throw me away.

[scobro]

My wife is living with her new man! 2 weeks after she left me, and 2 weeks after she blamed it all on me, he moved in with her. See, in the beginning she was all about me being the problem, I finally backed off and said fine lets get a divorce. Well right off she starts asking, "can he come over?" which I said NO, then she said "how about when the kids aren't there?" and I said fine, but I don't want to know about it, I just don't want him around our kids until after divorce is finalized.

 

Well about a week later (2 weeks since she left) I go over and catch him there, and I said "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't let him over?" and she said "well you did a lot of things that I didn't like over the years!" Anyways, she could care less about me, her family could care less about me, and in fact, her family has had him over for dinner, and a week and half after she left her sister had to have him over so she could meet him!!!!!!! That made me mad!

 

We were together for 11 years, we had three kids, our last son was just born December of last year, and things I thought were OK. Perhaps not the best, but not that bad. She acts like the last 11 years never happened, that I mean nothing to her. She has told me since she left, "I was never attracted to you, I never really wanted you, having sex with you is uncomfortable, I was faking it most of the time," and she also told me that the first year of our relationship didn't count, even though we always agreed that it did before now.

 

You talk about cold shoulder, she is the one that would win the ice queen contest!!!!! We were together for over a decade, and she acts like I am just some person off of the streets. It wouldn't hurt so much if she would just tell me, "I love you, but I can't be married to you anymore, I want us to remain close for the kids, and blah, blah" then do what she says. She says that she loves and cares for me, but she isn't willing to call me, talk to me when I am around, etc... She acts like I am dead to her. She says that she is willing to be friends, but never acts it. I mean she completely cut me off emotionally, I have nothing from her. And she acts like it doesn't bother her one bit to throw me away.

 

 

Tony your killing me here brother that is the most horrific situation I have ever heard I could not handle that bro.You must be devastated are you getting help from a therapist or anyone like that?I think that might help.Your ex is phukin pathetic she is the reason men kill women.Is she a narcissist?research narcissist my ex exhibited narcissistic behaviour big time.If the tables were turned she would be a mess i'm sure.BITCH SORRY BRO MAKES ME MAD:mad:

[tonyp56]

Thanks, and I am sorry for your situation too. Yes, I am trying to get help, but I was put on a stupid waiting list. Anyways, your right, she's a, lets say female dog . I loved this woman with every inch of my being and she ripped my heart out like it was some fly on the TV. I'll be the first to admit, I wasn't perfect, I had and made mistakes, but she never was either, and I chose to do what I thought I was supposed to do, I loved her regardless! I had chances to leave her, but decided to stay because I loved her, and I thought she would stay with me too.

 

Anyways, thats behind me now--still hurts, but I have to move on.

 

Good luck and I am sorry for you situation too.

 

Thanks,

[ohzee]

I too was devastated, not a clue. Life couldn’t have been better for both of us. One day she just told me that she needed space…..we were moving too fast. Within 3 days, I found out thru her, that her ex had been begging her to return. After some sort of persuasion tactics, she elected to take him up on his offer. Consequently she said good bye to me. Bare in mind she was very sweet letting me go, with many complimentary words, promises and hopes of a 2nd chance at being together again.. In other words, she made sure she was wearing soft sole shoes while she kicked me in the nuts. I recently came to terms on accepting my situation. You know what they say, “men think with their head and women with their heart”. Apparently it’s true. Logically speaking I understand my predicament. What I don’t understand is why any woman would give up a perfectly good relationship, full of love, trust, affection, and dedication; we lived our lives for each other…..not to mention a comfortable lifestyle. She traded everything in for a broke salesman that is supposedly lousy in bed. Go figure. I am currently practicing the NC method, in hopes of getting over this as quickly as humanly possible. Emotionally I am a babbling idiot, due to not being able to understand. I have been troubling all my friends in hope someone would listen……again and again. She continuously e-mails me prayers that indicate praying will bring us back together. Not being a religious person. I’m not really counting on anything I can’t control myself. So I have decided to take it on one day at a time. Each day I remind myself in the evening…”I made it thru another day”. It seems to help. As you see, I am in the babbling phase right now……Thanks for listening.

[helena abadi]

i'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, and i totally relate to the babbling phase. (i wrote screeds and screeds of stuff. it sounded all mad, but it helped) she sounds v confused about what she wants. good for you, staying NC. you are putting your needs first, and that is healthy. it is a one-day-at-a-time process.

[Mz. Pixie]

Tony,

 

I just don't think it would have made you feel better for her to tell you "I love you but I can't be married to you anymore". You probably think that right now, but in reality that's not what you wanted. You wanted her to stay married to you.

 

I say this because I told my exhusband that I loved him but I just couldn't be married to him anymore. I hadn't been happy in a long time. Yes, I still cared deeply for him, and I will always love him as we had two children together but we both just wanted something different out of marriage. I wanted companionship and a true partner. He wanted a housekeeper, cook, bookkeeper, nanny who would be waiting for sex with him when he finally decided to come back home from his "fun".

 

No matter what you say when you leave someone, it is still going to hurt. It is still not going to be what you want to hear. I'm not defending her I'm just saying- it hurts and nothing she could have said would have made it better.

[phrekmon]

I am devastated over this, I mean I know about her EA over the phone 2 years ago (I found out 6 months ago) I never ever though that she would dissconect herself from me and leave (in reality only I have been working on saving our marriage the last 6 months) She has and continues lying to me about her feelings for both me and the OM.

She moved out to her parents house 2 weeks ago, last weekend I helped move her into her new house and this past Monday she went out with the OM, so everything she has told me the last 10-12 years has been lies. IT WAS/IS DEVASTATING !!! WE HAD A LIFE PLAN/DREAMS, NOT!!! I'll be there for you when your old and gray, NOT ! You are my best friend NOT !!! and it goes on and on, Dennis

[scobro]

last weekend I helped move her into her new house and this past Monday she went out with the OM,

 

You help her move and she goes off with the other guy.Geeez what a sad situation.I wouldn't be so nice if I knew there was someone else.

[ohzee]

IT WAS/IS DEVASTATING !!! WE HAD A LIFE PLAN/DREAMS, NOT!!! I'll be there for you when your old and gray, NOT ! You are my best friend NOT !!! and it goes on and on, Dennis

 

Damn, it's like hearing her voice all over again. I got the exact comments from mine. It's like there is a womens manual on how to loose a man in a few easy steps. And most women have a copy in their night stand. How does one learn to seperate the crap from actual true feelings?

[phrekmon]

I had/have taken all I can, I know that it is over with no chance of getting back together, because of her indecisiveness of I want to work it out/its over that was flip flopping daily and of course the OM driving up the street Friday in my car. I WILL GIVE NO MORE !! I dont know if he's moved in with her yet but it doesnt matter.

Monetarily we have nothing (I gave her all she wanted) she took my car and anything she wanted from the house. (where I have to stay/pay all of Dec. to get the deposit back)

Last Friday I cut her and her kids off my health insurance (400. a month in my pocket)and updated my life ins. (she doesnt know yet !)I will cut off her and her daughters cell phones on Tuesday (bill is due and although she said she'd pay me, I know she wont) so there is nothing left except the large amount of debt I HAVE ALLOWED to grow to 25k at least. I can get through this, I have a great job, great co workers and I live in paradise ( I looked at all the beauty here yesterday for the first time in weeks) I still believe there is someone out there that will respect and love me. Anyways from all the devestation I will (one day) have to thank her for letting me out of such an unhealthy,demoralizing, untruthful marriage as the way it was going I would have hung in there for anther 10 years easy. Dennis