Yes I flirted but now my boyfriend is trying to make me suffer ​​​​​​​:

[SharonP]

Hey everyone I'll try to keep it short and I would really like any help. I have been with my bf for 3 years and we have a very loving relationship.  We’ve had our ups and downs but have worked through any issues we had and until recently everything seemed fine.

But then last weekend my boyfriend and I were at a party, and this cute guy I knew was there because he was friends with the couple who owned the house. Well, it somehow ended up that me and this guy were kinda hanging on each other, but to be fair it was only because we were joking around wrestling and tickling each other. At the time I wasn't thinking, I just considered it joking around. Well it hurt my boyfriend and I can understand that. I guess I assumed my boyfriend knew that I don't think of other guys that way so the thought that he would be mad didn't cross my mind. So I understand I messed up, but now he feels like he can't trust me anymore.  He was furious with me and practically refused to talk to me afterwards.

This happened Saturday night, then Tuesday out of the blue he starts to ask me about it again. It turns out he was recording everything that night on his phone and he wanted me to watch it with him so I could see how “terrible” I was behaving.  I wasn’t interested but he insisted.  I have to admit the video looked worse than I remember.  I remember wrestling and getting in a tickle fight with him, but imho I thought he started it.  But watching the video it looked like I was the instigator.  I kept walking up to him and pinching or tickling him until he fought back and we were wrestling around.  I also couldn’t remember us doing it that much, but in the video we were wrestling around off and on the entire 2 hours.  I was even sitting on his lap for a time while we “fought” each other.  I told him I must have been more drunk than I thought because I didn’t remember it being that bad.  Then he kept asking me over and over why would I do this?  I honestly didn’t know what to say because truthfully there was no reason besides I was just joking around.

We end up fighting and just going to sleep. Then Wednesday morning he asked me if I was mad at him and I said no, I just didn't know where we stand. He didn't understand what I meant. So I asked him flat out, do you want to break up with me because you have been acting kinda distant since the whole thing happened. He said no, we aren't going to break up, I just don't understand why you did it. Again, I didn't know what to say because the truth is I was just playing and joking around. Well, last night he was acting weird so I asked him again, and he didn't answer me. So I was like, does what you said in the car still stand, and he said yes. Then after that we were fine. He just keeps taking everything I say so personal. I feel like everything I say to him is wrong.

This morning he did say he loved me twice which he hasn't said without me saying it to him first since that night. I was just wondering if ya'll think he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to break up or if he is just trying not to hurt me. Cause right now I am hurting every day thinking he hates me. I know I messed up but do I deserve to be tortured for so long? I mean, it’s not like my boyfriend doesn’t have a lot of trust issues also. I don't know what to do because I thought of just breaking up with him but it hurts to bad. But staying with him hurts also. Thanks for listening. Any advice will help. Thanks again.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, SharonP said:

I told him I must have been more drunk than I thought because I didn’t remember it being that bad. 

It's really a respect issue. Don't rationalize and don't use the "I was drunk" excuse. 

If you wish to stay together and he accepts a sincere apology do that. Tell him you're sorry, it was inappropriate and disrespectful. Period.

Not "He started it", "I was drunk", "It wasn't that bad", "It's not as bad as it looks" "He was cute", "It was just tickling", whatever.

While he can't stay with you and beat you up forever over it, you need to show some corrective actions and remorse.

Consider reflecting on drinking, losing control and "not remembering". Have a drink or two at social events but if you can't even remember what you're doing, you're making a fool of yourself at best.

Edited September 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Outside of this incident, are there any other issues in the relationship? 

You sound like you were tipsy and flirting. It was disrespectful and hurtful and he’s taking time to warm up to you again or trust you. 

What seems sickening to me is that he had time and forethought to record the entire evening on his phone but he didn’t interrupt or step in or say something as it was happening. That would piss me right off. It shouldn’t have been staged that way or recorded unless he was deliberately trying to prove a point or you’ve been out of control drunk and not in your right mind more than once. Did you ask him why he recorded it? Both of you seem to have deeper trust/communication issues than this one evening.

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by glows

[SharonP]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

Outside of this incident, are there any other issues in the relationship? 

You sound like you were tipsy and flirting. It was disrespectful and hurtful and he’s taking time to warm up to you again or trust you. 

What seems sickening to me is that he had time and forethought to record the entire evening on his phone but he didn’t interrupt or step in or say something as it was happening. That would piss me right off. It shouldn’t have been staged that way or recorded unless he was deliberately trying to prove a point or you’ve been out of control drunk and not in your right mind more than once. Did you ask him why he recorded it? Both of you seem to have deeper trust/communication issues than this one evening.

 

Well, to be fair I remember he did try to separate us a couple times before he started recording.  But yeah, it's pretty pathetic isn't it?  He said he did it in case I tried to deny it.  But imho I think he did it just so he could rub it in. ☹️  It was one mistake but apparently he wants to make sure I pay for it.  He's still making snide comments like 'I still can't believe what you did'.  

I do agree that I might have been a bit tipsy, even tho I only had one drink.  But he says drinking is no excuse.  Plus, he says you can't get that drunk on just one beer, even tho I rarely drink.  

Outside of this, we really haven't had any serious issues up until now.  Other than he has always had trust issues, even tho this is the first time I flirted with another guy in front of him.  He's always gotten jealous really easily, and he has a bad temper.  Which is why I am usually very careful around him.  I guess I was having so much fun that I forgot about how he is and I ended up letting things get a little out of hand.  But I think in a relationship you have to learn from your mistakes and move on.  You don't try to make your partner miserable over one minor transgression.  I mean, it's not like I cheated.  But here it is over a week later and he is still either not talking at all or else continuing to bring it up.  😢  I already admitted my mistake, if he really loves me I would think he would be able to just forgive me so we can just put this behind us and move on.  Otherwise, he might as well just break up with me.  

[Veronica73]

I mean…he wasn’t wrong when he said if he didn’t record it you wouldn’t have believed what he said. And by the description….you were acting waaaaay over the top. Incredibly disrespectful and I would be pissed as hell if my significant other acted like that. Sounds like you both have issues.

[DividedTrail]

Oof. I'm no psychologist but I think at the end of the day, the issues is you emasculated your boyfriend in public. Full stop.

You actively got physical with the 'cute guy' at the party in front of people you both know. The fact he tried to separate you two and failed makes it even worse. 

The 'cute guy' didn't break it off even after your boyfriend came over and tried to stop it. The 'cute guy' dominated him psychologically and you went back to having fun.

He is probably more disappointed in himself that he 'let it happen'. He probably wishes he punched the guy in the throat. Now all he has is to rehash it over and over with you looking for some validation that it seems you're reluctant to give because you really don't think it was that big a deal. This is going to be hard to come back from.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SharonP said:

I guess I was having so much fun that I forgot about how he is  I was putting my own needs first and didn't care about my boyfriend.  

I ended up letting things get a little waaay out of hand and disrespected him. 

But I think in a relationship you have to learn from your mistakes and move on and I'm looking to find out the best way to help him trust me again. 

You don't try to make your partner miserable over one minor transgression.  I understand that he's still really hurt and struggling to move on.  

I mean, it's not like I cheated. not much less than cheating 

But here it is over a week later and he is still either not talking at all or else continuing to bring it up.  I wish I knew how to help him get past it 😢  I already admitted my mistake,  but I think I haven't done enough to make up for it.  

If he really loves me I would think he would be able to just forgive me so we can just put this behind us and move on. I really love him and I want to try and make this right that we can move on.

Otherwise, he might as well just break up with me. I'm worried that if we can't get past this, he will think he deserves better than me and move on.

I thought his filming was in poor taste and I was wondering why he filmed you instead of coming to tell you that your behaviour was inappropriate.    But turns out he did try to intervene and you both dismissed him and continued and now you're minimising your behaviour.  So in this case, while walking out on you would have been a better response, his filming is entirely understandable. 

The problem now is your minimisation of what you did.  I've fixed your post above from how you're talking now to the attitude you need to adopt if you want to be fix this.  Are you prepared to accept the severity of what you did that that he's really struggling getting past it?

Edited September 12, 2021 by basil67

[Veronica73]

Also, it comes across as borderline gaslighting to blame his response on “his trust issues”. 

And I can guarantee your behavior did nothing to assuage his trust issues. 

[SharonP]

1 hour ago, DividedTrail said:

Oof. I'm no psychologist but I think at the end of the day, the issues is you emasculated your boyfriend in public. Full stop.

You actively got physical with the 'cute guy' at the party in front of people you both know. The fact he tried to separate you two and failed makes it even worse. 

The 'cute guy' didn't break it off even after your boyfriend came over and tried to stop it. The 'cute guy' dominated him psychologically and you went back to having fun.

He is probably more disappointed in himself that he 'let it happen'. He probably wishes he punched the guy in the throat. Now all he has is to rehash it over and over with you looking for some validation that it seems you're reluctant to give because you really don't think it was that big a deal. This is going to be hard to come back from.

Yeah, that's how I see it too.  All of his friends were there and so of course the whole thing was probably very embarrassing and humiliating for him.  In hindsight I should have been more thoughtful.  I could see he was getting extremely jealous but I was having so much fun in the moment joking around with this guy that I didn't take it seriously.  I figured he might be a little peeved afterwards but I didn't think it would hurt him to the point where he was still acting cold after over a week.  It WAS a big deal and I should have known better.  

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I was wondering why he filmed you instead of coming to tell you that your behaviour was inappropriate.  I thought his filming was in poor taste.  But turns out he did try to intervene and you both dismissed him and continued.  So in this case, his filming is entirely justified.

The problem now is your minimisation of what you did.  I've fixed your post above from how you're talking now to the attitude you need to adopt if you want to be fix this. 

Yes, I understand but I'm not sure what I could do to make up for it.  I don't want to minimize what I did but I can't change the past.  He seems to want me to explain why I did what I did.  He keeps saying things like 'if you don't want to have sex with him then why would you act like that? '   It is like he cannot have closure unless he can understand why I was acting like that but I honestly don't have any other explanation than I was just joking around and somehow that is not good enough for him.  I get the impression that he thinks the only reason someone would flirt hardcore like that with someone is because they want them sexually, and he cannot believe me that actually I was just playing around.

Do you guys think there is any hope he can get over this?  When he already had trust issues?  And how long do you think it will take for things to get back to normal again?  Are we talking like days, weeks, or months?  Because I don't know how much longer I can take this torture.   😩   Another week is maybe all I think I can stand otherwise as much as I love him I think I'm going to have to break up with him.  Just to preserve my insanity.  I don't want to lose him but what is the point of being with someone who will never trust you?  😕

Edited September 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Veronica73]

Maybe try being trustworthy. And really….after 3 years together you can only take him being mad at you for 2 weeks after you humiliated him and treated him like garbage?

Edit: You are coming across as incredibly selfish. Your behavior wasn’t normal. At all. And you have no explanation for how you acted. What do you expect? 

Edited September 13, 2021 by Veronica73

[SharonP]

15 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

Also, it comes across as borderline gaslighting to blame his response on “his trust issues”. 

And I can guarantee your behavior did nothing to assuage his trust issues. 

Yes, I understand.  No I will not blame him, any guy would have gotten jealous.  And again, yes, I was definitely in the wrong.  

I only brought up his trust issues because I thought it was relevant to the topic.  The fact that he has trust issues imho is an aggravating factor in all this.  Yes it is my fault, but I honestly believe a more trusting guy would not still be carrying this around after over a week.  

[Veronica73]

I’m not so sure that a more trusting guy would have been over this in a week. Especially with the way you are minimizing how you acted. And also…you aren’t with a more trusting guy. You are with your guy who you have been with for 3 years. Don’t blame him for this.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, SharonP said:

 Yes, I understand but I'm not sure what I could do to make up for it.  I don't want to minimize what I did but I can't change the past.  He seems to want me to explain why I did what I did.  He keeps saying things like 'if you don't want to have sex with him then why would you act like that? '   It is like he cannot have closure unless he can understand why I was acting like that but I honestly don't have any other explanation than I was just joking around and somehow that is not good enough for him.  I get the impression that he thinks the only reason someone would flirt hardcore like that with someone is because they want them sexually, and he cannot believe me that actually I was just playing around.

Do you guys think there is any hope he can get over this?  When he already had trust issues?  And how long do you think it will take for things to get back to normal again?  Are we talking like days, weeks, or months?  Because I don't know how much longer I can take this torture.   😩   Another week is maybe all I think I can stand otherwise as much as I love him I think I'm going to have to break up with him.  Just to preserve my insanity.  I don't want to lose him but what is the point of being with someone who will never trust you?  😕

But you ARE minimising it and gaslighting him to boot.   As for how to make up for it, come up with a proper reason as to why you ignored his concerns and continued to disrespect him while knowing how upset he was.  And why you thought he'd just get mad for a little bit.   To be clear, this isn't just about you flirting, but equally about you ignoring him being (rightfully) upset at the time and not changing your behaviour.   Had you behaved inappropriately but shut it down when you realised he was upset, he would likely be getting over it already.  

Coming up with a better reason than "I was having fun" will need some serious introspection on your part and a lot of courage to admit your personal failings.   As a starting point, I would guess that the word "selfish" could feature in your line of thought.  And if you agree that you were being selfish, why did you think this behaviour was acceptable at the time?    

At this point, the torture" you're feeling is called 'consequences'.  The torture he's feeling is called 'betrayal'.   

I suspect that your minimising of his concerns, combined with wanting to bail out without making a concerted effort to make it right is further evidence of whatever underscored your behaviour on the night.   It's an absolute lack of understanding how your actions can impact another person.  

Out of curiosity, how genuine was your apology?   What have you been saying to him to try and make up for what you did?

Edited September 13, 2021 by basil67

[DividedTrail]

From an older guys perspective, I realize you're young. I also realize young people hate it when older people mention your're young

Read basil67's post until it sinks in.

For your sake and his, take the time to really understand why you did what you did. Alcohol aside and it's more than you were just having fun. Be brutally honest with yourself. If this relationship ultimately doesn't last, at least you will have grown some and can bring more maturity into the next one. 

If you can understand why you did what you did, and it could be because of other issues in the relationship, then you can come to him with a genuine and honest explanation. Once that step has been taken, realize as a women you are a powerful force. If you don't know how to now, you should learn how to make your man feel like he is your rock, and not to be too cheesy but your knight in shining armor. He should be able to make you feel the same in whatever metaphor you prefer.

In other words, be brutally honest with yourself, explain as best you can and if you really love him, do whatever mea culpa is needed. That doesn't mean denigrate yourself and he shouldn't hold this over your head indefinitely, but be careful with timelines if the relationship is important to you.

[Caauug]

I see this as a "Crap Test".

-You have been with your BF for 3 yrs

-You publicly disrespect your BF in front of him and his friends

-You refused to stop when he tried to interfere with your "flirting"

-You want to break up with your BF because of his reaction (this shows you do not value him)

This is you testing your BF. How far can you push your boundaries? How much of a man or how strong willed is he?  If he's a simp and lets you away with this you can take it up another level next time? 

If your BF had just left you at the party (and gone home) when this flirting started, how far would you have taken it with the cute guy?

It appears you do not value your BF very much, you talk about breaking up with him rather than trying to work with him to get over this. 

2 hours ago, SharonP said:

I honestly believe a more trusting guy would not still be carrying this around after over a week. 

No. A guy who doesn't care or value you, would not be carrying this around after a week... He does and you don't....

Actions speak louder than words.... What are your actions telling him about you?

Edited September 13, 2021 by Caauug

[Mrin]

Just a heads up OP: you should count yourself he's still keeping you around. I would probably have dumped you. But waited to make it official until the next morning so you can watch the video sober and then broken up with you. 

Life's too short to spend it with people who disrespect you. 

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, SharonP said:

Just to preserve my insanity. 

Freudian slip?

Sorry, couldn't resist. 

[Poutrew]

I would have dumped you that night.  Your BF is young and inexperienced in the feelings of having someone he loves cut his testicles off with a rusty knife in public. Eventually he will see that you are not that serious a person, nor are you grown up enough to be in a long term  mature relationship, and he will dump you for your older, quieter,  plainer older sister. He will be much happier. You can go back to getting goosed by Pretty Boy...

[lolablue17]

Removing all the backround noise, I'll tell you what's really happened:

1.  You did something hurtfull

2. When your boyfriend confronted you, you responded with "nothing happend" and implicitly blamed him with over reacting. 

4. When he presented a proof, you blamed alcohol. 

5. Now you're demanding him to act and feel like nothing happened, immediatelly!! As it was before the incident, orelse you yourself will breakup. 

 

So what i see here is a girl who made a mistake, and does not take any responsibility for this mistake, blaming who ever, never herself. I see a girl who adopt a behavior patern of giving trickle truth, because you change versions according to the current proof which are presented to you. And at last I see a girl that when she hurts her boyfriend, she doesn't put his feelings in the center, but wants to the issue to go away immediatelly, because she refuses to be in a position in which she's the bad guy. You say you love him - your action shows differently. 

If you love him, give him enough time to proccess, while you're showing him tones of compassion and love, and not like you're now, only thinking about yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, SharonP said:

but I honestly believe a more trusting guy would not still be carrying this around after over a week.  

Wow, no. You are wrong.

A more trusting guy would be taking the time to process - just like he is - and learning to trust his own instincts about the woman in front of him now. You need to cut him some slack, as you've just changed the goalposts of your relationship and hurt him deeply. A week is nothing. You are being unreasonable to expect this to go back to normal so quickly. You violated his trust. 

You also humiliated him, and made an embarrassing spectacle of yourself. Imagine what all these other people are saying about you now, OP. Your conduct was really poor for a woman with a bofyriend. It is not "joking around" to behave the way you did. It's much more than that, and he's probably got all these people in his ear now whispering about you on top of his own worries. 

The fact that you don't seem to get any of the above has got your bofyriend questioning everything, I'm sorry to say. He doesn't know how to feel now, and is probably very confused about whether he can move past this. It might end up being a deal-breaker. 

And just what the heck is with the threads that seem to keep popping up about grown adults "wrestling" with and getting into "tickle fights" with people who are not their partners, in front of their partners? Is this a thing now?  

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, SharonP said:

I honestly believe a more trusting guy would not still be carrying this around after over a week.  

A more secure, experienced guy would've dumped you... either right there on the spot, or when you tried to turn it back around on him. You humiliated him in front of his friends. Even the title of this thread is BS; it wasn't just flirting. You were getting physical with that guy, encouraging him to have his hands all over you, and sitting on his lap. Your behavior was over the top even if your boyfriend had not been there. And you're still trying to convince us that it was merely flirting, no big deal. I wonder what you'd have done with the guy if you BF had not been there present. It gives me an icky feeling. Poor boyfriend. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by salparadise

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, SharonP said:

  I could see he was getting extremely jealous but I was having so much fun in the moment joking around with this guy.  I figured he might be a little peeved afterwards .

Wow. So you knew it was inappropriate and decided to stick it to him anyway?

It's hard to believe your relationship has "no issues" if you go to these extremes to annoy your BF and make a fool of yourself.

Reflect if you are happy or if you are antagonist toward each other.

Interestingly you make your BF out to be  insecure, dramatic and jealous but he's not the one who had to put on a show at a party to get you worked up. 

[elaine567]

You may think you "love" him but what does that actually mean?
You obviously do not care for him as upsetting him was something you seemed to revel in.
He told you to stop but you ignored him and carried on... What was that about?
I guess part of the fun for you was actually upsetting him, making him jealous and upset.
You knew he had trust issues yet you tried your hardest to trigger him...
You were playing a nasty and cruel  game. 
Now you say if he doesn't get over it in 2 weeks you will dump him...

You don't love this guy.
Love looks nothing like this. 

[DKT3]

I think you should just break up with him.

You aren't really getting it, you have minimized your behavior in every one of your post.

YOU knew that guy would be there, which kinda indicates there was already interest.  Even though you toned it down with your description,  you basically threw yourself at this guy and pestered him until he started "playing" with you. 

You are gaslighting your boyfriend,  oh he has truth issues,  it wasn't so bad, why is he mad, I was tipsy.

If I'm being honest,  you sound like a terrible girlfriend,  because these are never isolated incidents,  its likely just the first time you were unable to get out of it, thus he recorded it. 

You say a more trusting man would be over it, by saying things like that you are justifying your behavior and making it sound like he is the problem.  No, its you.

 

[Woggle]

This relationship should just end. It doesn't sound healthy at all.