Stuck with weird online romance

[Claire1]

I have been writing via game several months to a guy who lives in England. At first it was light and fun. Now he says he is in love with me and even wants to get married, but doesn't act like that at all. I have been suspicious all the time, but he seems to be genuine. But his actions say totally otherwise. He won't listen, when I said I don't want to talk to him only via game, I want his email address or even see his face via cam.. He said he wanted to take it slow. I don't understand, why kid anybody about something like that if not mean it? Why he continues to write to me. I have left him several times, because I am so frustrated he won't reveal anything about himself. He says he is a loner, I am sure about that too. But that loner.. really? He skips appointments without even notifying, but that wouldn't be even a problem, if I would write him in discord, which has notifications when you receive a message. Everytime he vanishes I feel really hurt, betrayed and abandoned. He is always at least late. I am done with him, but I still want to understand. He even don't want to tell his full name or age. He looks really young and handsome in the pictures, I am quite old, over 40. He said age and looks doesn't matter at all. He says he is so in love with me and willing to take a risk with me.. What risk? After that statement it has been several months. He is always busy about work. He never conversate, it feels like he is interrogating me what I am doing etc.. but never tells what he is doing. He said he don't want to come  to meet me as long as there is covid, he hates surprises. He seems overly neurotic, and I don't really understand. I am shy too, but I don't want to write years in a game which has seized to exist by then. Hardly nobody plays in the same server that long. He said he plays there only for me. But I don't want to play there anymore, that is another lie. He was holding his feelings very long inside at first though. I thought he was just an online friend, but then he said he got jealous and suspicious I have somebody else and didn't want me to be taken by somebody else. I am tired of quessing why he behaves this way. He never wants to talk about hard serious stuff or explain anything. I don't even know why I want to meet him. He seems interesting, but too weird annoying and difficult and I am totally frustrated that this isn't going anywhere.

Edited September 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Many scammers out there! Too many red flags with this one. Don’t allow him to waste any more of your time/energy.

get busy meeting people in real life… who are closer in proximity to where you are.

this guy isn’t who he says he is.

and stop answering ANY of his questions! That’s risky!

[d0nnivain]

Why are you putting up with this?  You aren't stuck.  You are choosing to put up with this.  This guy is not for real.  He's not somebody you can count on, so stop.  Play your game.  Stop talking to him.  Assume he's fake & move along.  Anybody who says they love you but won't give you their real contact info or full name is LYING & playing games.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Claire1 said:

He even don't want to tell his full name or age.I am quite old, over 40. 

There are plenty of real life real men local opportunities for you. Delete and block online weirdos like this.

Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local real life real men in person for a lowkey coffee.

[The Outlaw]

As real as the connection may seem to you, it likely isn't real. If he were truly interested, he'd make a HELL of a lot more of an effort and be much less evasive. No full name? Contact information nor pictures? He's playing you. 

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

As real as the connection may seem to you, it likely isn't real. If he were truly interested, he'd make a HELL of a lot more of an effort and be much less evasive. No full name? Contact information nor pictures? He's playing you. 

I don't give personal info about myself either over socials or messaging strangers on the internet. 

Hell, I hesitate even sending a pic anymore as via personal experience you never know where the hell it will end up, on some skeevy website or something or passed around to friends, photoshopped, etc.  It's just not safe anymore, especially for a woman.  Just my opinion and experience.  I no longer trust socials or the internet.

The most I will give is my email address which does not give my full name, only partial.  So no chance of someone finding me, stalking me or my family, which I have had happen.  

Once burned, twice shy.

I refuse to engage in "on line" anymore for this reason.  It's not necessary anyway, go meet people in REAL life.  I don't have social media anymore either.  

What's troubling about the OP's situation is that this creep claims he is "in love" with her and wants to marry her!  And is acting all sorts of possessive as if they are in some exclusive RL or something.   But apparently doesn't want to meet in person?  And disappears from time to time?  

OP, just dump him already, stop responding.  

Nothing good or positive will ever become of this.

And again, go meet people in REAL life so you don't have to concern yourself with this *.

 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[The Outlaw]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't give personal info about myself either over socials or messaging strangers on the internet. 

Hell, I hesitate even sending a pic anymore as via personal experience you never know where the hell it will end up, on some skeevy website or something or passed around to friends, photoshopped, etc.  It's just not safe anymore, especially for a woman.  Just my opinion and experience.  I no longer trust socials or the internet.

The most I will give is my email address which does not give my full name, only partial.  So no chance of someone finding me, stalking me or my family, which I have had happen.  

Once burned, twice shy.

I refuse to engage in "on line" anymore for this reason.  It's not necessary anyway, go meet people in REAL life.  I don't have social media anymore either.  

What's troubling about the OP's situation is that this creep claims he is "in love" with her and wants to marry her!  And is acting all sorts of possessive as if they are in some exclusive RL or something.   But apparently doesn't want to meet in person?  And disappears from time to time?  

OP, just dump him already, stop responding.  

Nothing good or positive will ever become of this.

And again, go meet people in REAL life so you don't have to concern yourself with this *.

 

 

 

I wasn't saying she should give out any of her personal information. He's a smooth talking fake. If he can't be bothered to show her any proof that he is who he says he is, she's wasting her time and she needs to move on. Anyone that can do that to another person is far from worth the time, effort or chase. 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

I wasn't saying she should give out any of her personal information. He's a smooth talking fake. If he can't be bothered to show her any proof that he is who he says he is, she's wasting her time and she needs to move on. Anyone that can do that to another person is far from worth the time, effort or chase. 

In other words, it's okay for the OP to not provide personal info but NOT okay for him, that it means he's a fake?  I am not understanding your thought process about that, but nevermind.

I agree with you!   And given that I myself refuse to provide personal info or any "proof" of who I am over the internet, if a man (a stranger) who reached out to me on the internet thought me to be "fake" and wanted to move on, I would not blame him either.  

In fact, I have made a promise to myself that any man reaching out to me over the internet going forward, I will no longer engage.  I refuse to do OLDing as well.  Again, I meet plenty of men in REAL life, there is no reason for it.

And that is what I advise the OP to do as well.

That said, I DO agree with you that he's a fake but not because he won't give personal info.  It's because of all the other crap.  Him claiming he's in love with her and wanting to marry her, but yet he disappears and refuses to meet her in person?

That's got fake written all over it.

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[The Outlaw]

On 9/14/2021 at 11:25 AM, poppyfields said:

That said, I DO agree with you that he's a fake but not because he won't give personal info.  It's because of all the other crap.  Him claiming he's in love with her and wanting to marry her, but yet he disappears and refuses to meet her in person?

It's her thread but even as a guy, I've seen it and had it happen. It isn't any fun for someone we've never seen, spoken with or met to get our hopes up or tell us what they think we want to hear. But again, if he wasn't, he'd made a lot more of an effort to further their lines of communication. He didn't and she should forget him and move on. Get out there IRL and try her luck.  

And he took it one step WAY to far with telling her he loves her and wants to marry her. Bad move. And he's messing with her head. He isn't just fake, he reeks. 

Edited September 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[poppyfields]

On 9/14/2021 at 11:46 AM, The Outlaw said:

It's her thread but even as a guy, I've seen it and had it happen. It isn't any fun for someone we've never seen, spoken with or met to get our hopes up or tell us what they think we want to hear. But again, if he wasn't, he'd made a lot more of an effort to further their lines of communication. He didn't and she should forget him and move on. Get out there IRL and try her luck.  

And he took it one step WAY to far with telling her he loves her and wants to marry her. [ ]  And he's messing with her head. He isn't just fake, he reeks. 

Absolutely 100% agree with you!   Definitely messing with her.

JMO but there are so many scammers and fakes, anyone who reaches out to a random person on line, who in many if not most cases lives hundreds or sometimes thousands of miles away, should be taken with a grain of salt!

That said I have had some interesting on line interactions, that I actually value to this day.  But I never really expected to meet in person so was never all that disappointed when the interaction ran its course and came to an end.

I viewed the interaction for what it was - ON LINE.  Nothing more, nothing less.

It's like what you said, people get their hopes up, and have expectations, which I think is a mistake and leads to disappointment and hurt in some cases.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[The Outlaw]

Just now, poppyfields said:

It's like what you said, people get their hopes up, and have expectations, which I think is a mistake and leads to disappointment and hurt in some cases.

Yep. And it's a terrible feeling regardless. They've mastered the art of charm and have people firmly wrapped around their fingers and wham! They can get just about anyone they want to believe anything they say. Hopefully she'll stop talking to him. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Yep. And it's a terrible feeling regardless. They've mastered the art of charm and have people firmly wrapped around their fingers and wham! They can get just about anyone they want to believe anything they say. Hopefully she'll stop talking to him. 

Outlaw, are you speaking from personal experience?  Absolutely no judgment I promise but I recall reading a few posts from you when I first joined, back in April/May 2020, stating that you have fallen for women on line.  One in particular if memory serves me correctly, I think it was you anyway.  Apologies if I am mistaken.

In any event , it's so easy to do, I have done it myself, before I got burned and now take with a grain of salt.

But yeah on line, it really feeds into our fantasies and the "unknown," it's all so mysterious and romantic.  Filling in the blanks and "imagining."

I do understand it, I just wish people would get smarter about it and not take it all so seriously, like I have.

Enjoy the interaction, have fun with it, but let go of the expectations. 

IF you happen to "spontaneously/on purpose" meet in person one day and you click, take it from there, just don't expect it.

 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

18 hours ago, Claire1 said:

but I still want to understand

You'll have to listen to what's not being said early on and cut your losses if it seems fishy. He is obviously evasive and at the same time disproportionately interested in your activities. The more you keep trying to figure this out or "understand" the more emotionally invested you are and hence the cycle continues and repeats day after day. You can end it by nipping it in the bud. You don't need to understand anything further. Everything you need to know you already know about this person.

[The Outlaw]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Outlaw, are you speaking from personal experience?  Absolutely no judgment I promise but I recall reading a few posts from you when I first joined, back in April/May 2020, stating that you have fallen for women on line.  One in particular if memory serves me correctly, I think it was you anyway.  Apologies if I am mistaken.

No apologies necessary. It was me. I know that some people have had success stories online and have met that one, special someone and I wasn’t any different. I believed it to be true (and maybe it was) but that’s why I think it’s so easy to get wrapped up in it. But it hurt like hell in the end. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This person is either really not who he says he is, or he's married. 

OP, this isn't real. I know your feelings are involved but the truth is that you have no clue who you are talking to. It could be a bored teenager in his mom's basement, a Nigerian "prince", a woman, an old marred guy looking for kicks online - there is no telling who is on the other side of the screen. The point is that you need to extract yourself from this and not get wrapped up in these cyber things. 

Get out there and try to meet a local man. Someone you can meet face-to-face and who doesn't blow smoke up your backside about marriage when you've never even confirmed who you are talking to. 

[stillafool]

I don't think this guy is interested in anything really.  I think the 20 year age difference probably has something to do with it and he's just amusing himself when he feels like it.  I see you've been putting up with this since before May.  I also see that he said he doesn't have a problem with your mental health issues but I don't think he's helping it at all.  Have you spoken to your therapist about him?

[xxcazaxx]

I hate to be negative but this doesn't sound like a relationship when one person isnt actually willing to play a role in sharing themselves.

[Claire1]

Yeah, I know.. if feels partially my fault too, I have met emotionally and otherwise unavailable man, when I myself am not really ready for meet a real guy in person, locally. This has been too easy, but only if I don't expect anything and that has been increasingly hard. But certainly I am honest and would not like to play with somebody's feelings. I feel i don't want to write to him no more because I have nothing more to say if he is not willing to open up. I feel I am angry each time i receive just bread crumps like I love you, that word has suffered so much inflation. But getting angry would only keep him going, a reaction. I don't really understand what goes inside his head. He is not living in reality. Like he is competing what is the least effort you can keep a woman interested. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Claire1 said:

I feel I am angry each time i receive just bread crumps like I love you, that word has suffered so much inflation.

Excellent. Your anger is telling you to finally delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media.

That way you can move forward free from this nonsense background noise.

[Caauug]

On 9/13/2021 at 4:35 PM, Claire1 said:

he seems to be genuine. But his actions say totally otherwise.

Actions speak louder than words. That is important, remember it!!!

 

On 9/13/2021 at 4:35 PM, Claire1 said:

Now he says he is in love with me and even wants to get married, but doesn't act like that at all..... He won't listen, when I said I don't want to talk to him only via game, I want his email address or even see his face via cam.. He said he wanted to take it slow. I don't understand, why bullshit anybody about something like that if not mean it? Why he continues to write to me.    .... he won't reveal anything about himself. He says he is a loner, I am sure about that too.     He even don't want to tell his full name or age. He looks really young and handsome in the pictures, I am quite old, over 40. He said age and looks doesn't matter at all. He says he is so in love with me and willing to take a risk with me.. What risk?   He never conversate, it feels like he is interrogating me what I am doing etc.. but never tells what he is doing.     He seems overly neurotic, ... he said he got jealous and suspicious I have somebody else and didn't want me to be taken by somebody else.  He never wants to talk about hard serious stuff or explain anything.  ...but too weird annoying and difficult and I am totally frustrated that this isn't going anywhere.

The whole red army is in there waving flags....  Sounds like an Incel.  He's just telling you what you want to hear but he doesn't have enough social interaction experience to cover up all his red flags. You can't fix him, he's not good for you, let him go.

On 9/24/2021 at 7:11 PM, Claire1 said:

I don't really understand what goes inside his head. He is not living in reality. Like he is competing what is the least effort you can keep a woman interested. 

IMO: He's likely from a broken home, his mother raised him. He never had a strong father figure in his childhood growing up. He's been burned or called out before, that is why he doesn't want to share details, details likely not worth sharing in the first place. 

More and more +40 women want younger (then themselves) guys, but if the younger men are higher value, they are after the younger women.... If you are after a younger man move to a town with high concentration of men, low concentration of women. Like with mining, oil & gas, or heavy industry etc. 

[Claire1]

I am not into younger men, they seem to be "into me"! I don't purposefully seek younger men but all my lifestyle is young and I just bump into them regularly. I don't have family like most of my age does or career and kids. I am still seeking myself. So I guess I am not then "a quality" woman. I hate that I am stuck with this life. I don't belong to my age group, nor generation. I don't understand any generation really but much less mine. People I have met my age hate computers, games and I am a nerd. Yes, a "real love" shouldn't ge focused on age, but I guess I don't believe that myself. Yes, I am not very sporty as required for my age to be enough for young for even for entertainment. My life just sucks.

[d0nnivain]

If your life sucks, take steps to change it.  Instead of playing games & dealing with this liar, take an on line class.  Do something to better yourself, to find your purpose to develop a career.  You hold the reins.  Take action. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Claire1 said:

I am not into younger men, they seem to be "into me"! I don't purposefully seek younger men but all my lifestyle is young and I just bump into them regularly. I don't have family like most of my age does or career and kids. I am still seeking myself. So I guess I am not then "a quality" woman. I hate that I am stuck with this life. I don't belong to my age group, nor generation. I don't understand any generation really but much less mine. People I have met my age hate computers, games and I am a nerd. Yes, a "real love" shouldn't ge focused on age, but I guess I don't believe that myself. Yes, I am not very sporty as required for my age to be enough for young for even for entertainment. My life just sucks.

Since you are uncomfortable there, you can always limit your time on the gaming platform or choose another game and disable interactions with other players if that's possible. Tell yourself one hour tops and then move on to something else. Remove the thoughts about not being a quality person as it's negative self-talk. Don't buy into any of that.

You don't have to be anyone else's version of yourself but yours alone. You might find it so much more rewarding and fun to explore other hobbies or interests that enrich you or give you means to explore and think/do things differently. What are your other interests? Why not find out more? 

[LynneVicious]

Op, 

looking over your previous threads to get an idea of your history, I see you went through something very similar a while back. 

Ever hear the saying, “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”? You’ve done the same thing and are expecting different results than last time. 

Listen, these people online can pretend to be anything they want to be. Many of them are scammers or are bored. It could be a 12 year old girl from Kansas you're ‘talking’ to or a 48 year old still living in his moms basement. 

It’s very unhealthy to rely on these types of ‘relationships’. Get off the game. Or at least get off the chat in the games. I know it’s nice to have someone to vent to and someone you think cares. Talk with a close friend or family member. Go to real meetup groups. Find a hobby where you socialize. But you’re really wasting time you can’t get back by having these online relationships. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/24/2021 at 1:11 PM, Claire1 said:

Like he is competing what is the least effort you can keep a woman interested. 

Do you even know for sure that you are speaking to a man? 

I mean that in all sincerity, by the way.