Just got married, father-in-law pressuring me to be Christian

[Chloeee]

Not sure if this is the place to post this, but I just got married yesterday.

I'm agnostic, and my husband is Christian. He wanted a pastor to officiate our wedding. Most of my friends are agnostic/atheist/of other religions. My parents are devout Buddhists. I agreed as it was important to him, and I was okay with it as long as there wouldn't be preaching and evangelising. We went through that with the pastor multiple times, and approved of the script he was to say. On the wedding day, he went completely off script and preached a lot, but I was fine with it - I kind of expected that to happen. My friends and family seemed a little miffed but were generally chill about it

But when we got home, his parents came over and we all hugged and did a group prayer, at his parents' request. I was fine too. Then, just before they left my father in law looked straight at me and said, "Please, don't short change yourself. Be a Christian." I didn't know what to say, but my husband and my mother in law ushered him out the door.

I'm honestly offended. I felt like I had given a lot and been really flexible about the religious stuff, but at the end of the day my beliefs and wishes were completely disrespected by the pastor and my father in law. I'm not sure if I should say something to him. I don't understand why my acquiescing to some of my partner's religious beliefs was not enough and. It was pushed further despite my explicit statements in the past. Should I just let it go and ignore any such comments in future?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chloeee said:

 I just got married yesterday.

I'm agnostic, and my husband is Christian. 

How long were you dating before you married? Is this an arranged marriage?

Do you accept your husband and respect his beliefs? Does he accept and respect yours?

It's unclear how you got to the alter without knowing his parents or him or their beliefs.

Let him deal with his family. You deal with yours.

It's also unclear how you made it to the alter without premarital counseling regarding religion, in-laws, a discussion on how to celebrate your respective traditions and more importantly if children will be raised with a particular belief system.

Try to be more open minded. If they want to preach ignore it. Try not to bring holy wars into your marriage.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Chloeee said:

my husband is Christian.

What does your husband truly think about this? 
What about future children and religion?
Plenty people enter into relationships believing the other will eventually change their mind about controversial topics, religion being one of them.
Your FIL assumes one day you will be Christian, did he come to that conclusion by himself or did your husband assure him you would?
You need to have a deep talk to your husband about how he really feels.  

[Chloeee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

It's also unclear how you made it to the alter without premarital counseling regarding religion, in-laws, a discussion on how to celebrate your respective traditions and more importantly if children will be raised with a particular belief system.

Dating for almost four years. My husband believes his God is a loving one and has no need for me to share the same faith. He's very open minded. He was mortified by what his father in law said, as he said that he had talked to them about this before. He wants to sit his dad down and talk to him again but I'm wondering if this will breed resentment. We agreed to keep to our own beliefs but support each other in life. We both do not want kids. 

[Chloeee]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What does your husband truly think about this? 
What about future children and religion?
Plenty people enter into relationships believing the other will eventually change their mind about controversial topics, religion being one of them.
Your FIL assumes one day you will be Christian, did he come to that conclusion by himself or did your husband assure him you would?
You need to have a deep talk to your husband about how he really feels.  

 My husband believes his God is a loving one and has no need for me to share the same faith. He's very open minded. He thinks if I were meant to be Christian one day I'd be, if not, it's not his place of anyone's to pressure me. He thinks god is omnipotent and it's all in god's plan, not for humans to pressure each other. We believe in keeping our own beliefs but supporting each other in life. He was mortified by what his father in law said, as he said that he had talked to them about this before. He wants to sit his dad down and talk to him again but I'm wondering if this will breed resentment and make future family hangouts awkward. 

[stillafool]

Why did you have a Christian wedding instead of a Muslim wedding since you are the bride?

3 hours ago, Chloeee said:

He wanted a pastor to officiate our wedding. Most of my friends are agnostic/atheist/of other religions. My parents are devout Buddhists.

 

[Prudence V]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why did you have a Christian wedding instead of a Muslim wedding since you are the bride?

 

Why bring in another, irrelevant religion, if you’re agnostic? 

3 hours ago, Chloeee said:

 

I'm agnostic, and …My parents are devout Buddhists. 

 

[stillafool]

Yes why even have a Christian wedding if you're agnostic?  Just marry and leave religion out of it.  That is not fair to you or your parents who are Muslim.  Your father in law sees you two as unequally yoked.

[d0nnivain]

You are in for a lifetime of this.  Your FIL's faith is important to him.  He's worried that you will be condemned to hell if you don't believe.  You aren't going to change him any more than he will convert you.  This will get worse when you have kids. 

Since your new husband stuck up for you, do your best to ignore FIL.  Chalk up everything he says to his concern.  You don't have to convert or believe but don't start WWIII over it either.  

[introverted1]

 

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes why even have a Christian wedding if you're agnostic?  Just marry and leave religion out of it.  That is not fair to you or your parents who are Muslim. 

She says her parents are Buddhist.

55 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are in for a lifetime of this.  Your FIL's faith is important to him.  He's worried that you will be condemned to hell if you don't believe.  You aren't going to change him any more than he will convert you.  This will get worse when you have kids. 

 

She also says they do not want children.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Chloeee said:

We agreed to keep to our own beliefs but support each other in life.

Why not do that and also... respect both your families whatever beliefs? Why start holy wars because you dislike your in-laws beliefs?  Perhaps you and your in-laws both need to let go of the holier-than-thou attitudes of agnostic is better/evangelical Christian is better?

With all due respect, if the day after your wedding results in WWIII  and holy wars, after your in-laws do what you know they do (preach, etc.) it's not looking good for you and your husband

Edited September 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

He probably feels he "senses weakness" e.g. with what the pastor did at your wedding and you let is slide. No worries, that is water under the bridge now.

If/when he brings it up, you can say "We've already discussed that" or "You've already mentioned that"  and simply ignore him. Hopefully he is reasonable and stops there, IF he "grandstands" then I guess you have to ask him to leave whatever situation it is, or leave yourself.

I'd resist the urge to "punish" him as for people like this sometimes having to go through some struggles "for their faith" just increases the cognitive dissonance which often underpins it. Just shut it down with the minimum fuss.

[ASG]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes why even have a Christian wedding if you're agnostic?  Just marry and leave religion out of it.  That is not fair to you or your parents who are Muslim.  Your father in law sees you two as unequally yoked.

Because her husband is Christian and it was important to him/his family. And she decided to make that compromise. Doesn't seem too far fetched for me. 

Also why do you keep mentioning Muslims, when no one has said anything about anyone being a muslim?! 

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not do that and also... respect both your families whatever beliefs? Why start holy wars because you dislike your in-laws beliefs?  Perhaps you and your in-laws both need to let go of the holier-than-thou attitudes of agnostic is better/evangelical Christian is better?

With all due respect, if the day after your wedding results in WWIII  and holy wars, after your in-laws do what you know they do (preach, etc.) it's not looking good for you and your husband

It seems to me the only person not respecting things here is the father in law. The OP agreed to a pastor led ceremony, that, despite being told not to preach went completely off script. 

The ONE issue was that the father in law then had the nerve to tell her that she needs to become Christian. 

I don't know where you got the idea that some WWIII was breaking out, because it seems to me the OP and her husband are very much on the same page, but I do agree with the OP that it IS out of line for her father in law to make that comment. 

 

@Chloeee If this happens again, simply tell him  "you have your beliefs, I have mine, They're not up for discussion or changing, have a nice day!". Just shut him down completely, but politely. 

[glows]

Let it go. You married into this willingly so be prepared for some friction. I think it's naive to believe that there won't be some disagreement or projections about faith and what's best for you. I agree with you that getting annoyed with this one comment will create more resentment and friction. 

I have a more hands on approach and prefer to hear from the other side and then make my opinions clear. It shows respect for his beliefs and it also means that you have a chance to clarify where you stand. You can do this in informal gatherings if the topic ever comes up again. Don't shy away from it. Be firm and polite.

Keep in mind that your FIL might not want to hear what you have to say at first. If he keeps pushing you, smile and change the topic. You're also being clear that you no longer wish to carry on the conversation. Go on about your day. As long as you are clear in your marriage and your husband and you have an agreement on your respective beliefs, focus on that.

[flitzanu]

i think everyone summed it up pretty well.  i'm just wondering how "pressuring me to become a christian" was derived from his one statement of "you should become a christian."

that was just one line, said as he was leaving, that doesn't seem at all like "pressuring" anyone.

 

[Chloeee]

15 hours ago, ASG said:

Because her husband is Christian and it was important to him/his family. And she decided to make that compromise. Doesn't seem too far fetched for me. 

Also why do you keep mentioning Muslims, when no one has said anything about anyone being a muslim?! 

It seems to me the only person not respecting things here is the father in law. The OP agreed to a pastor led ceremony, that, despite being told not to preach went completely off script. 

The ONE issue was that the father in law then had the nerve to tell her that she needs to become Christian. 

I don't know where you got the idea that some WWIII was breaking out, because it seems to me the OP and her husband are very much on the same page, but I do agree with the OP that it IS out of line for her father in law to make that comment. 

 

@Chloeee If this happens again, simply tell him  "you have your beliefs, I have mine, They're not up for discussion or changing, have a nice day!". Just shut him down completely, but politely. 

Thanks! This makes so much sense. I'll try that!

[Chloeee]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Let it go. You married into this willingly so be prepared for some friction. I think it's naive to believe that there won't be some disagreement or projections about faith and what's best for you. I agree with you that getting annoyed with this one comment will create more resentment and friction. 

I have a more hands on approach and prefer to hear from the other side and then make my opinions clear. It shows respect for his beliefs and it also means that you have a chance to clarify where you stand. You can do this in informal gatherings if the topic ever comes up again. Don't shy away from it. Be firm and polite.

Keep in mind that your FIL might not want to hear what you have to say at first. If he keeps pushing you, smile and change the topic. You're also being clear that you no longer wish to carry on the conversation. Go on about your day. As long as you are clear in your marriage and your husband and you have an agreement on your respective beliefs, focus on that.

You're right, I think I have to be form but

 

9 hours ago, glows said:

Let it go. You married into this willingly so be prepared for some friction. I think it's naive to believe that there won't be some disagreement or projections about faith and what's best for you. I agree with you that getting annoyed with this one comment will create more resentment and friction. 

I have a more hands on approach and prefer to hear from the other side and then make my opinions clear. It shows respect for his beliefs and it also means that you have a chance to clarify where you stand. You can do this in informal gatherings if the topic ever comes up again. Don't shy away from it. Be firm and polite.

Keep in mind that your FIL might not want to hear what you have to say at first. If he keeps pushing you, smile and change the topic. You're also being clear that you no longer wish to carry on the conversation. Go on about your day. As long as you are clear in your marriage and your husband and you have an agreement on your respective beliefs, focus on that.

Thanks! I'll just learn not to let it affect me and focus on my marriage

[DividedTrail]

You just got married. Try not to let that interaction ruin your high so to speak. 

You received some good advice and I think it is a good sign that even your MIL interceded by ushering your FIL out. I bet he got an earful in the car lol

If it does come up again, I agree also to stand up for yourself politely. Sounds like your husband has your back so that is good. 

You’re agnostic so fair enough. If you have any interest in psychology, there are some good lectures on YouTube that go over various aspects of the Bible and how they relate to struggles all of us go through as humans without being religious. That might be a good way to bridge the gap between discussing religion with someone and the lessons that can be learned. If you don’t care about any of that, fair enough too. 

Also maybe try to understand this:  some denominations are way more into evangelizing than others. But it could be your FIL was saying that to you out of love (I can hear the eye roles from here). I understand you took it as him not respecting you’re beliefs and maybe he is pushy about it but if you get along otherwise, I would try to let it go for now. 

I grew up going to church. I still feel a connection to the Christian faith but I never witnessed (no pun intended) any positive effect when family members tried to pressure someone to go ‘Get Religion’ unless they were already interested. It always seemed to have the opposite effect. 

[Chloeee]

21 hours ago, DividedTrail said:

You just got married. Try not to let that interaction ruin your high so to speak. 

You received some good advice and I think it is a good sign that even your MIL interceded by ushering your FIL out. I bet he got an earful in the car lol

If it does come up again, I agree also to stand up for yourself politely. Sounds like your husband has your back so that is good. 

You’re agnostic so fair enough. If you have any interest in psychology, there are some good lectures on YouTube that go over various aspects of the Bible and how they relate to struggles all of us go through as humans without being religious. That might be a good way to bridge the gap between discussing religion with someone and the lessons that can be learned. If you don’t care about any of that, fair enough too. 

Also maybe try to understand this:  some denominations are way more into evangelizing than others. But it could be your FIL was saying that to you out of love (I can hear the eye roles from here). I understand you took it as him not respecting you’re beliefs and maybe he is pushy about it but if you get along otherwise, I would try to let it go for now. 

I grew up going to church. I still feel a connection to the Christian faith but I never witnessed (no pun intended) any positive effect when family members tried to pressure someone to go ‘Get Religion’ unless they were already interested. It always seemed to have the opposite effect. 

I agree that it's out of love! Just that it was quite unfortunately timed, he's never explicitly stated that he wants me to be Christian. I've just been asked to partake in some Christian prayers etc. Which I don't mind. It's just that it felt like the moment I got married, he said i should be a Christian which makes me worry about what he thinks it's acceptable to do now that I'm officially a part of the family.

I'll check out the YouTube lectures, thanks! Reminds me of this book called religion for atheists.. thanks for your advice

[d0nnivain]

Focus less on your FIL & instead celebrate how supportive your husband is being.  Let FIL say whatever he's going to say.  Have it go in one ear & out the other.  If you try to fight with him or dissuade him from his beliefs you will cause tension.  Instead just smile, nod & carry on ignoring him.  

[glows]

15 hours ago, Chloeee said:

I agree that it's out of love! Just that it was quite unfortunately timed, he's never explicitly stated that he wants me to be Christian. I've just been asked to partake in some Christian prayers etc. Which I don't mind. It's just that it felt like the moment I got married, he said i should be a Christian which makes me worry about what he thinks it's acceptable to do now that I'm officially a part of the family.

I'll check out the YouTube lectures, thanks! Reminds me of this book called religion for atheists.. thanks for your advice

You're sort of crossing your own boundaries here if you agree to partake in Christian prayers. The interpretation for most is that you are taking steps or taking an interest in becoming a Christian. I was raised Catholic by the way but prefer to pick and choose what I believe in and denounce discrimination towards others especially where it concerns homophobia or strong pressure to be or behave in a certain way. I see a long road of trial and error for you and being clear and firm about what you wish to do. If you do not want to partake in prayers, don't. It's different from, let's say, attending a potluck at the church or a community event like a bbq or social at a local hall. 

My advice to you is to take things in stride and focus on your actions aligning with your own beliefs as a Buddhist. Remember to practice your own beliefs and hold true to your own rituals or practices that are at your soul or nourish your spirit. You won't be too bothered by the ongoings of others and their practices. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

None of this would bother me. It's understood that some people are more intense, religious, etc. and that's fine. In fact depending on where you live and how multicultural it is, you'll have to get used to going to all sorts of people's weddings, funerals, life events, holiday dinners, etc. So. It's not about religion as much as simply accepting differences in people's traditions and respecting that. No one can drag you to the river and baptize you. Relax.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Taramere]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

None of this would bother me. It's understood that some people are more intense, religious, etc. and that's fine. In fact depending on where you live and how multicultural it is, you'll have to get used to going to all sorts of people's weddings, funerals, life events, holiday dinners, etc. So. It's not about religion as much as simply accepting differences in people's traditions and respecting that. No one can drag you to the river and baptize you. Relax.

I tend to feel that way too.   I'm forever having people preach this belief and that at me (some religious, some political) and I usually just nod like I'm taking it all in/giving serious contemplation to the matter.  That usually seems to be enough to keep them happy.  I think a lot of Christians do take the notion of "duty to bring the Good News to others" very seriously, and therefore won't miss an opportunity to try to convert other people.  Even if their attempts end up being clumsy and inappropriate.  A polite, graceful but non-committal approach is probably enough to see through most of those scenarios - even with in-laws.

[Alfano]

When the topic comes up again, and of course it will, say "I'm not comfortable having this conversation, I'd prefer to talk about something else, thank you for understanding".

If he persists, get up and walk away.

 

[Elsa888]

Where is your husband in all this?

Isn't he sticking up for you and telling his father how inappropriate his comments are?

And hasn't anyone told the Pastor he was out of order?

Seems like there's a lot of non-communication going on.

What Christian denomination is your husband (and his family) just for interest?