The things I tell myself. Lies, delusion & hard truths

[Theeisor]

20 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Totally. You are here now. Now taking steps to do better. Just remind yourself it is a process every time.

There may have been some truth to what he told you. One never knows.. or a ploy for more sex. Again: Who knows? Just as you have driving factors, he must too. Life is complicated. 

Maybe it is simple. Maybe it is not.. 

Life is complicated and I’ll never know and that’s ok. 

[Theeisor]

5 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

Totally. You are here now. Now taking steps to do better. Just remind yourself it is a process every time.

There may have been some truth to what he told you. One never knows.. or a ploy for more sex. Again: Who knows? Just as you have driving factors, he must too. Life is complicated. 

Maybe it is simple. Maybe it is not.. 

Currently having a low moment. I peeked at social media and he sounds happy posting laughing emojis. He’s posting a lot like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Made me sad. I’m trying to go with it and not think about it. I have to really stop looking. Had to express this. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Had to express this. 

Yeah, social media is your worst enemy right now.  Remember that.

[Theeisor]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, social media is your worst enemy right now.  Remember that.

It is because it made me feel like poop. I caught myself looking repeatedly. Ugh. 

[Stevnx3]

15 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Currently having a low moment. I peeked at social media and he sounds happy posting laughing emojis. He’s posting a lot like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Made me sad. I’m trying to go with it and not think about it. I have to really stop looking. Had to express this. 

The thing with Social Media is it isn't what it all is. In other words: He may seem happy on social media.. easy to do that, but I doubt he is. If he was truly happy, he wouldn't have had an affair to start. 

Anyone can have happy moments, too. Doesn't mean a thing in the long run.

Yeah... Stop hurting yourself by checking on him. It does you no good. You are the one who will have to work on you.. Not b/c he is happy or not happy. 

I highly doubt he is truly happy(again, he may have a happy moment)..

Be strong. 😁

[Theeisor]

9 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

The thing with Social Media is it isn't what it all is. In other words: He may seem happy on social media.. easy to do that, but I doubt he is. If he was truly happy, he wouldn't have had an affair to start. 

Anyone can have happy moments, too. Doesn't mean a thing in the long run.

Yeah... Stop hurting yourself by checking on him. It does you no good. You are the one who will have to work on you.. Not b/c he is happy or not happy. 

I highly doubt he is truly happy(again, he may have a happy moment)..

Be strong. 😁

I have to be better at that. It’s hard but I have to actively remind myself not to. I think he knows I’m there and I’ve seen him work hard at “appearing” happy. That was pretty much a theme from him, even when we were good. He worked hard at making sure that I knew that he didn’t care vs that he did. Even after all that, I still genuinely cared. Bleh. Doesn’t matter anymore and I have to keep telling myself that. I need a time machine to travel about 6 months from now and feel like this is a little behind me. Sigh. Thank you for replying. 

[Stevnx3]

11 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I have to be better at that. It’s hard but I have to actively remind myself not to. I think he knows I’m there and I’ve seen him work hard at “appearing” happy. That was pretty much a theme from him, even when we were good. He worked hard at making sure that I knew that he didn’t care vs that he did. Even after all that, I still genuinely cared. Bleh. Doesn’t matter anymore and I have to keep telling myself that. I need a time machine to travel about 6 months from now and feel like this is a little behind me. Sigh. Thank you for replying. 

It takes a lot of failure to learn not to look. I have been there. Just getting back up and do not look. Like a drug, it will be hard to quit. 

If he is that type of person as to make sure you knew he was happy, with or without - that tells you all you need to know. Doesn't sound like he cares much... If you read this from somewhere or someone else.. wouldn't you say the same?

Lol! Wish I had a time machine to give you. Mine broke down ... Just have to bear it daily until you are stronger. There is no set timeframes. Just keep getting back up

Anytime! I like your effort. So.. I don't mind  anytime!

[Theeisor]

2 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

It takes a lot of failure to learn not to look. I have been there. Just getting back up and do not look. Like a drug, it will be hard to quit. 

If he is that type of person as to make sure you knew he was happy, with or without - that tells you all you need to know. Doesn't sound like he cares much... If you read this from somewhere or someone else.. wouldn't you say the same?

Lol! Wish I had a time machine to give you. Mine broke down ... Just have to bear it daily until you are stronger. There is no set timeframes. Just keep getting back up

Anytime! I like your effort. So.. I don't mind  anytime!

No. It doesn’t sound like he cares much and man, does that hurt. That could be key in moving on- Accepting that he simply does not care. Ouch. I don’t know what I expected. I keep telling myself that as much as all this hurts and and as frustrating it is, in time it will all be worth it. My trigger today was viewing his social media and at this very second I’m trying to resist looking. I have to take this as a lesson. 

[Stevnx3]

13 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

No. It doesn’t sound like he cares much and man, does that hurt. That could be key in moving on- Accepting that he simply does not care. Ouch. I don’t know what I expected. I keep telling myself that as much as all this hurts and and as frustrating it is, in time it will all be worth it. My trigger today was viewing his social media and at this very second I’m trying to resist looking. I have to take this as a lesson. 

You fell into the trap of your care of the man, and took a peak. It does happen. The sting(hurt) from this is a lesson to be learned. Look at it like this, too: He is out having a supposed blast, whilst you are viewing his world, and unhappy. Instead.. Don't look. Live your life. You be happy and make happiness. Do things that will occupy your time so as not look at this guy's profile. 

Do resist. What would be different from earlier - when you looked, to now? Just adding coals to your hurt.

[Theeisor]

5 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

You fell into the trap of your care of the man, and took a peak. It does happen. The sting(hurt) from this is a lesson to be learned. Look at it like this, too: He is out having a supposed blast, whilst you are viewing his world, and unhappy. Instead.. Don't look. Live your life. You be happy and make happiness. Do things that will occupy your time so as not look at this guy's profile. 

Do resist. What would be different from earlier - when you looked, to now? Just adding coals to your hurt.

Damn. You make a lot of sense. I was just going to look this very second and will not. I didn’t have the best day at work and this compounded it so in essence, I’m the one that made the day worse by looking. 
Believe it or not, I am always busy. I have so many home projects I’m working on and work is always busy. My husband is turning 50 this weekend and we both have days off towards the end of the week so I will be occupied. I’m going to do my absolute best to leave my phone alone and stay busy. 

Can’t thank you enough 😔
 

 

[Stevnx3]

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

I didn’t have the best day at work and this compounded it so in essence, I’m the one that made the day worse by looking. 

Work stress... Tell me about it! Work has been crazy in general. Don't let it get to you to where you slip up. It won't help your stress one bit to look up the guy. Although, I get the urge to do so..

Congrats to your husband. Quite the milestone. I see. Sometimes even being busy is not enough. I think a combo of being busy, doing things you want to do(like projects you mentioned) and time all play a part in healing. 

Take a moment from your phone. Take a moment to forget work. Just plan a day of fun, it will work itself out! 😁

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Theeisor said:

. My husband is turning 50 this weekend.

Does he suspect anything? He must sense your preoccupation, no?

You'll need some self discipline with this. If you want to be free, you'll need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You'll also need to do some reflection on why things got so out of hand.

You've really created your own prison and your own pain. This has nothing to do with the lover. That's a symptom.

[Maylady]

Why do we all think the wife is less attractive.  I have to say my MM's wife was very pretty.  Slim, fit.  I was jealous when I saw her picture

[Starswillshine]

On 9/14/2021 at 4:32 PM, Stevnx3 said:

If he was truly happy, he wouldn't have had an affair to start

In some cases this is true, in some cases this is not. 

There are many instances that married men are happy as they can be in a marriage. It isn't that their marriage isn't great, it is that they can not go on with life with only one woman. These people should never be married, of course, but then they also would not get the benefit of always having someone in their corner and at home. So they marry, keep a wife, and pursue side pieces. 

[Stevnx3]

31 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

In some cases this is true, in some cases this is not. 

There are many instances that married men are happy as they can be in a marriage. It isn't that their marriage isn't great, it is that they can not go on with life with only one woman. These people should never be married, of course, but then they also would not get the benefit of always having someone in their corner and at home. So they marry, keep a wife, and pursue side pieces. 

Well said. No, I actually agree. There can be completely content people, whom will strey simply due to their inherit nature. Do to their needs and wants. 

No.. Definitely should not be married. But you made a solid point as to why: Having someone who is there when you need them.. is convenient. 

[Stevnx3]

43 minutes ago, Maylady said:

Why do we all think the wife is less attractive.  I have to say my MM's wife was very pretty.  Slim, fit.  I was jealous when I saw her picture

Yeah.. Not always the case. World is big and random. 

[Starswillshine]

21 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Well said. No, I actually agree. There can be completely content people, whom will strey simply due to their inherit nature. Do to their needs and wants. 

No.. Definitely should not be married. But you made a solid point as to why: Having someone who is there when you need them.. is convenient. 

Yep. This is how my ex husband was/still is. I was there to be his family. We still very much had a romantic connection and did many couple things together, but apparently, he kept women all over the globe that he was with when I was not around. 

And it is how he still is. He has a live in girlfriend. Meanwhile, flies off to visit his ex girlfriend often. Has a few other "friends" around. No one person will ever satisfy him. No person can fit every single thing off of a checklist (especially when many contradict themselves) so he finds someone that fills this item on the list, another for the next item, so on and so forth. 

[Maylady]

26 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Yeah.. Not always the case. World is big and random. 

Well in my case, when she informed my husband,  he was more than happy to state...why would he cheat on her with you.  She gorgeous.   Maybe it was just the anger talking.  But i cant deny she was pretty

[Stevnx3]

6 minutes ago, Maylady said:

Well in my case, when she informed my husband,  he was more than happy to state...why would he cheat on her with you.  She gorgeous.   Maybe it was just the anger talking.  But i cant deny she was pretty

Maybe some truth and anger?  He probably saw the same things you see in her appearance. I'd sure as hell be angry and attempt to hurt with truth.

 

[Stevnx3]

17 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Yep. This is how my ex husband was/still is. I was there to be his family. We still very much had a romantic connection and did many couple things together, but apparently, he kept women all over the globe that he was with when I was not around. 

And it is how he still is. He has a live in girlfriend. Meanwhile, flies off to visit his ex girlfriend often. Has a few other "friends" around. No one person will ever satisfy him. No person can fit every single thing off of a checklist (especially when many contradict themselves) so he finds someone that fills this item on the list, another for the next item, so on and so forth. 

Seems perpetual. Yikes...

I'm happy he is an ex of yours. Sounds like a man who cannot be tamed... and wants to sample everything a woman(women) can give him. 😯

Some people just have to sow their oats..

 

[Tullyseptember]

I think alot of affair behavior has to do with filling a void. When we look for outside validation this is where we can really do ourselves a disservice. We can make terrible choices that impact us for years to come....none of us can avoid the consequences either.

Don't let what you think he is experiencing is better of than you. Doesn't matter anyways. Not your business.  It's what gets us into trouble. Focusing outside of ourselves!

[BlindsidedTwice]

On 9/16/2021 at 9:36 AM, Maylady said:

Why do we all think the wife is less attractive.  I have to say my MM's wife was very pretty.  Slim, fit.  I was jealous when I saw her picture

Agree!

When I first started talking to my xMM, I thought his wife was about average or actually, a bit below average. As I “fell in love” with him (and my self esteem plummeted), I found myself thinking she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. 

I’ll never know if she was actually doing her hair/makeup/clothes better or if it was all in my head. The mind games ran deep...

 

To the OP - I do not see my xMM on social media or anywhere, and it has helped significantly to not be slapped in the face by that. Find a way to stop yourself from hurting yourself in this way. It will only ever hurt. Even if you see something that makes you temporarily happy, it will still hurt deep down and will hinder your recovery. 

[Theeisor]

I had a pretty eventful weekend. My husband knew something was wrong and somehow drew it out of me. We spent the entire weekend talking openly and honestly about EVERYTHING. There is a lot going on right now between us and I’m very emotional so I can’t get into it too much. All I have to say for now is because this happened, I have learned how compassionate, understanding and awesome my husband is. All he wants is for me to be ok and is willing to walk alongside me in getting better. I’ll post soon but I can’t recount all of this express myself without crying and I’m done crying. 

[Stevnx3]

5 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I had a pretty eventful weekend. My husband knew something was wrong and somehow drew it out of me. We spent the entire weekend talking openly and honestly about EVERYTHING. There is a lot going on right now between us and I’m very emotional so I can’t get into it too much. All I have to say for now is because this happened, I have learned how compassionate, understanding and awesome my husband is. All he wants is for me to be ok and is willing to walk alongside me in getting better. I’ll post soon but I can’t recount all of this express myself without crying and I’m done crying. 

I'm happy you were able to open up to him and he received it and wants to work with you on this journey. I hope this is the start of a new beginning(with work) for you both. 

I understand the emotions. Keep up the strength and let it pour! Get back to us whenever you're able!

[Myabee]

On 9/14/2021 at 4:14 PM, Theeisor said:

Currently having a low moment. I peeked at social media and he sounds happy posting laughing emojis. He’s posting a lot like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Made me sad. I’m trying to go with it and not think about it. I have to really stop looking. Had to express this. 

I never give any merit to social media posts as most of then are fake as heck.