My Wife Likes to Frequent the Same Bar Everyday She Travels and Is Now Staying There for 3-4 Hours at a Time

[HappilyMarried]

Sorry @IdkapI'm of course don't know anything about you guys or your marriage, but base on other similar situations I would suggest the following if possible. I would ask just some basic questions nothing to deep or questioning her loyalty. If possible without her knowing take a few days off work and surprise her where she travels and get a room at the hotel she stays and go in and lay low at the bar she frequents and see for yourself. If you cannot do that based on your description of your jobs and life you are pretty well off I would suggest hiring a PI in that town and have them check everything out. Either of those would give you either proof or peace of mind. I think if you get into a big discussion or questioning her if she is being unfaithful she will just go deeper underground and would make it harder to find out anything. Best of luck! Let us know what you decide and how it goes.

[HappilyMarried]

@IdkapI went back to add the following before my suggestion but it was to late. I thought it important enough to add another post.

I'm of course don't know anything about you guys or your marriage, but base on other similar situations this is not what you probably want to here, but it is pretty common and not that unusual for a women to be able to carry on with someone through the week and be perfectly normal with you on the weekend. The woman will say there is things about each that I love, or they give me different things that the other can or will not. I am afraid this is even more probable especially if she is going to the same place each week. She has probably met someone from the town that she met in the bar, or if she goes with the same people from work each week it can be like a work husband. 

Then I would suggest to try one of the following I listed in the above post.

[DividedTrail]

When there is a change in usual behavior, something is up. If you two used to talk at a certain time or she would respond on a regular basis and that has changed, there is a reason. 

It doesn't necessarily mean cheating but could be she has discovered she enjoys her time away from you to some degree and just doesn’t want to be bothered. I would be annoyed and it’s worth a discussion before it blows up into a bigger issue. 

The weirdness about texting a connection she made in the past would make me feel uneasy.

When things are solid in a relationship, I would feel no issue making assurances for my partner to include FaceTiming or whatever at the bar, even for a couple minutes. I mean, within reason. But if something is up or I just don’t want to be bothered because I want to be alone or hang with friends, I might purposely ‘forget’ to check my phone. 

[ItsTheDay]

Sounds like something is going on, but what that is you may never know. She may of met a staff member of that bar, a local regular or someone else in a similar position as her. Either way, sounds like she met someone regardless. This doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating but, she could be getting attention from someone else.   

[Asc1226]

If you can afford it a private investigator could let you know exactly what’s going on in short order.

[S2B]

I bite for a private investigator to see what she is doing for those 3-4 hours.

I’d. want to know too. Don’t tip her off this weekend. Just proceed as normal.

[usa1ah]

Your lying about the fact she never has given you any reason not to trust her. The guy she was texting was reason. 
 

Dude she is cheating on you. Either emotional, physically or both. 
 

pull your head out of the sand and see what is going on. 

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @IdkapHow is today going so far? I was curious if you confronted or took posters advice and decided to lay low and investigate?

[salparadise]

Are you certain she’s actually at this bar for 3-4 hours every night? Two hours is a long time for just dinner. A romantic rendezvous takes three to four (don’t ask how I know, but I do). I’d hire the PI so you can either breathe a sigh of relief or blow lid off. Asking about it isn’t going to bring you peace of mind. Four hours is a hulliva long time, esp. day after day. Something must be awfully damn entertaining there for that to be true. Two is believable, four is not. 

[Guildford]

I would like to add a contrary views.  You sound like your marriage is great except for this one concern.  Perhaps you should just accept the fact that you have a great marriage and a loving wife and don't go looking under the hood.  Assume for a minute that she does have a lover there and she is restricting her action to you and one other guy.  Your risk of an STD would be small, but if you blow the whole thing open you might stop the affair, but your marriage will never be the same (ask these guys who have experienced infidelity).   Can you accept the idea that your wife might be in love with you and someone else?

[MickeyBill]

15 hours ago, Guildford said:

 You sound like your marriage is great except for this one concern.  Perhaps you should just accept the fact that you have a great marriage and a loving wife and don't go looking under the hood.  Assume for a minute that she does have a lover there and she is restricting her action to you and one other guy. 

That is a pretty big "one concern"... IMHO "great marriages" are with two people. 

[Guildford]

17 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

That is a pretty big "one concern"... IMHO "great marriages" are with two people. 

Usually but there is always the exception to prove the rule.  I have been married for half a century and there were a number of dry spells.  Early on in the marriage she complained that I was the only man with whom she has had sex and she was going to have to go through her whole life only having had sex with one man.  I believe I would have accepted a few affairs on her part if in exchange there were no dry spells.

[Idkap]

I decided to confront it - which is usually how I deal with things. She mentioned that she's made friends with some of the staff and said there's nothing else going on - in particular one of the female bartenders who she has a lot in common with. She also says she takes her computer with her and is working while she eats...which knowing her past is not completely surprising.  I'd say after that conversation, I'm probably 70% convinced there is nothing going on. 

The more and more I thought about this, I really wouldn't know if she's at the bar or not. And we're both traveling a lot, so it seems like you trust or you don't. Can you ever be 100% sure?

How do the rest of you handle this when your SO is on the road all the time?

PI is definitely not off the table, but I'm just trying to figure out if I'm chasing a ghost. 

 

[S2B]

Trust your intuition. Verify what’s real.

she didn’t call as expected a few nights ago. That’s a huge red flag if she usually calls before bed. 

from this vantage point…I don’t believe her.

Edited September 20, 2021 by S2B

[DKT3]

1 minute ago, Idkap said:

I decided to confront it - which is usually how I deal with things. She mentioned that she's made friends with some of the staff and said there's nothing else going on - in particular one of the female bartenders who she has a lot in common with. She also says she takes her computer with her and is working while she eats...which knowing her past is not completely surprising.  I'd say after that conversation, I'm probably 70% convinced there is nothing going on. 

The more and more I thought about this, I really wouldn't know if she's at the bar or not. And we're both traveling a lot, so it seems like you trust or you don't. Can you ever be 100% sure?

How do the rest of you handle this when your SO is on the road all the time?

PI is definitely not off the table, but I'm just trying to figure out if I'm chasing a ghost. 

 

My wife, then ex and now wife had an affair for 20 months.  I picked up on the odd behavior right away but much like you I believe somewhat believable explanations,  but mostly I ignored the red flags. 

I'm not buying the story with the phone. But its not mine to buy. What I will say is this, if you haven't had trust issues with her previously,  trust you instincts.  Keep your eyes and ears open. Look for signs. Stuff like changes in grooming,  new or different things like clothes,  tastes in food or music,  new sexual interests. 

It would also be wise to let it lay dormant for awhile then tell her you would like to travel with her to spend some extra time. Her reaction will give you alot of information. 

If there isn't anything going on, the only way you will trust her is to know nothing is going on. 

[Idkap]

I don't buy the whole phone incident either. There was definitely something strange that happened with that. 

But for the over 5 years we've been married, I've had no reason at all to doubt her (the phone incident was when we were dating going way back). I have full access to her phone and she has the same with mine, but I truly never felt the need to look at it. When we're together, I never see any suspicious behavior at all with phone calls or texts or anything like that. When we are together, most of that time is spent together making up for lost time. 

I'm going to still keep a close eye on what's going on and make a decision on a pop in visit one day. I'm really curious about how things change or won't change when she's back there next week. 

[S2B]

Have you looked at her phone bill? Check calls and texts to see if there is a reoccurring phone number that seems new in the past few weeks/months.

[Idkap]

That's definitely a good thought...we share the phone plan so I have all of the billing. I'm just trying to figure out how to differentiate between work and personal calls - we both use our personal cells for work!?!

[DKT3]

I would bet her phone is clean, after all its how he caught her the first time.

I dont be you need to actually travel with her to get information,  I believe just you letting her know you want to or you may pop up will do the job.

[DKT3]

2 minutes ago, Idkap said:

That's definitely a good thought...we share the phone plan so I have all of the billing. I'm just trying to figure out how to differentiate between work and personal calls - we both use our personal cells for work!?!

That's easy,  if she is conducting an inappropriate relationship the call times will be odd hours for long durations and likely on routine.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Idkap said:

She mentioned that she's made friends with some of the staff and said there's nothing else going on - in particular one of the female bartenders who she has a lot in common with.

While I can believe she's gotten to know some of the staff and is friendly with them, I don't think it's likely they'd have that much time to spend with her every night for 3 or 4 hours. They're all at work, let's remember. 

I don't recall the last time I spent hours on end with the same friend every night, to be honest. And surely not in their workplace. 

[S2B]

That’s very true. They are there to work/earn money.

they aren’t at work to entertain her for 4 hours.

did you check her phone for repeat contact with the same number at all hours of the morning/evening? 

[MickeyBill]

Well if she did make friends with some of the staff she might like to go and sit in a booth at the restaurant, work on her laptop see a few familar faces and watch 7 football games at once instead of being in a hotel room. 

I never liked working in the hotel room for hours then just going to bed.

Otoh she might be cheating...

[Idkap]

I did spend a few minutes going through the phone bill, but all I see there is a reflection of her life as I know it. I'm the first one she calls, the lady one she calls, and I'm the longest phone calls in general.  There are generally no calls after 9PM or before 7AM other than to me. I did notice one phone number in our hometown that I don't recognize that came up a few times, but I'm not super worried about that one. 

She does love football...and definitely would watch 7 games at the same time. She has a very fun personality and I can totally see her with her laptop working and then talking with staff and other people at the bar. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose my concern would be that she's taken a shining to one of the staff members, if she's spending increasingly long and more frequent evenings there. 

All you can do is listen to your instinct.