My messages emotionally triggered him so he dumped me without any further explanation?

[Dutchess_Rose]

I met this guy online 4 weeks ago. We talked literally every day and did a lot of video chatting as well. I really liked him a lot and we hit it off well.

We were supposed to meet up this Friday. I noticed that the last couple of days he'd been rather silent and distant, so I asked him if he's ok, and he said 'yes I always express my feelings'. I told him ok good, I don't always do that. Next day he texts me that he is concerned because of the fact I don't always express my emotions and that it triggered anxiety because he had the same issue with his ex. I got pretty upset because 1) I'm not his ex , please try to understand why I bottle up things before getting anxious and 2) I feel like this is not something we should be discussing via text. I also felt criticized, because we all know bottling things up isn't a good thing and of course I was upset he was doubting I were any good for him.

I asked him if we could talk about it via the phone. He said no, because he was tired and wanted to workout. I asked him again, please can we talk about it tonight because we both like solving issues immediately (he explicitly said this a few days ago) and otherwise I will have a horrible sleep. He also had the energy to work out so it couldn't be that bad. He then lost his temper and said I crossed a line - I was triggering too many emotions and he didn't want to see me ever again, we were done and he wishes me all the best. I am very confused because all I wanted was to talk about it: I just wanted to understand him and how I was triggering him. But he refused to talk to me.

I can't understand how this sweet person suddenly could dump me. I thought we had a connection and he just broke things off without giving me any chance to explain myself and understand him and his anxieties. I really don't understand what I did wrong and I'm extremely upset.

Any thoughts? 

Edited September 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

I met this guy online 4 weeks ago. We talked literally every day and did a lot of video chatting as well.

We were supposed to meet up this Friday. Next day he texts me that he is concerned because of the fact I don't always express my emotions and that it triggered anxiety.

He's not who he says he is or is in a relationship. Stalling like this is the first sign but finding a BS reason like this "anxiety trigger" nonsense to not meet is a huge red flag. 

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[glows]

I don't think so, as in I don't think there was a connection. He's too unstable. Try not to look for too many reasons why or how. Take it at face value as it's very early. Both of you seemed to get very attached via online correspondence. This is not a relationship if you haven't met in person either. 

Silent and distant or attempting to stonewall you or push you away don't signal that someone is interested at all. Brush yourself off and meet other guys. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by glows

[Timshel]

1 hour ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

Any thoughts? 

He's married.

[d0nnivain]

Who knows?  You never even met him. He flaked for a ridiculous reason.  Good riddance.  

[mark clemson]

Sounds like this issues are his ones, not yours.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

I thought we had a connection

Gently, you hardly know this guy. 

I get that it can feel thrilling when you start to like someone, but 4 weeks is a drop in the bucket.  There is no solid connection (yet) so soon. If he was this quick to let you go, my guess is that he was about to bail anyway and was looking for an excuse. So he staged a fight, and made it your fault. 

2 hours ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

We were supposed to meet up this Friday.

Would this have been the first time? If so, it could easily be that he is not even single and wasn't going to follow through anyway. 

[Dutchess_Rose]

Thanks for confirming my feelings everyone! I just really needed a mental sanity check from people other than my friends, who will pick my side anyway. It's crystal clear to me now that he wanted to bail, and that no matter what I had said or done, he would've found a 'trigger' so he can blame me. I feel a lot better now.

FYI - it's not the first time someone flaked on me like this - heck, not even the 2nd time - so I was starting to feel like I am the problem. One of these guys was my ex bf, who disappeared into thin air without ever giving me an explanation. I guess respecting people is a hard thing to do nowadays and vanishing / not telling the truth has become the preferred option.

[d0nnivain]

Hugs.  I'm glad you were able to find solace knowing it wasn't you. 

[Blind-Sided]

If you never met... then there shouldn't be any "feelings" with this.  But, as said above, who knows the real story.  There are people, who really aren't available to date, and they are on dating sites just to talk... or mess with other people. 

The lesson to take from this is... if you are on dating sites to go on a date, and meet someone... then DO NOT text, and chat so much.  Make contact, ask a few questions... and meet in person for a simple coffee/lunch date.  

I'm sorry you are feeling poorly... but you will survive. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Four weeks is too long. Try to meet within a couple of weeks, or even sooner. After 4 weeks you don't know him anyway. Don't try to "confront" someone early on. Get to know them first.

[Lotsgoingon]

I met this guy online 4 weeks ago. We talked literally every day and did a lot of video chatting as well.

NEVER do this. NEVER.  You get committed and attached to someone who you haven't met in person. There is no substitute for meeting in person. And you should NOT be talking or texting everyday.  That's like me and you planning a $1 million investment when we don't know each other. 

Texting is not intimacy. It's texting.

Text a few times and meet. :Period. People text to procrastinate, to flirt, to play with language, to try on new identifies, to try to fake as a different person. A few texts and a meeting. No exceptions. 

 

[Alvi]

22 hours ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

I met this guy online 4 weeks ago. We talked literally every day and did a lot of video chatting as well. I really liked him a lot and we hit it off well.

Why did it take 4 weeks for you meet? Way too long. Don't talk longer than a week or two the most before meeting. Next time meet as soon as possible and remember NOTHING IS REAL TILL YOU ACTUALLY MEET IN PERSON.

[Dutchess_Rose]

It took that long because he lives 1.5 hrs away and I have a busy corporate job, so we can only meet during the weekend, and he was on holiday the last 3 weekends (he really was - received plenty of proof). I am a big fan of meeting up asap as well, but in this case there was no opportunity, and we just really enjoyed talking to each other. Actually he was the one always reaching out to me, I rarely initiated contact.

I don't particularly agree with the statement nothing is real until you meet. We certainly spent 10-12 hrs talking - not texting, but really talking. You will inevitably build some form of emotion for this person, which makes it hard for me to understand how you can cut them off so easily. Also, from an economical perspective, I don't think it makes any sense to invest that much time into talking to someone online, just to ditch them a few days before meeting because of a couple of text messages.

I'm already over it anyway. However I still struggle to understand what the heck was going on in his mind haha, but I am so happy to know I am not the only one.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Dutchess_Rose

[Alvi]

1 minute ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

I don't particularly agree with the statement nothing is real until you meet. We certainly spent 10-12 hrs talking. You will inevitably build some form of emotion for this person, which makes it hard for me to understand how you can cut them off so easily. Also, from an economical perspective, I don't think it makes any sense to invest that much time into talking to someone online, just to ditch them a few days before meeting because of a couple of text messages.

No, talking to someone without meeting is not real. It a fantasy, you truly believe that you had made that emotional connection with someone but it is still a fantasy. 

[glows]

59 minutes ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

It took that long because he lives 1.5 hrs away and I have a busy corporate job, so we can only meet during the weekend, and he was on holiday the last 3 weekends (he really was - received plenty of proof). I am a big fan of meeting up asap as well, but in this case there was no opportunity, and we just really enjoyed talking to each other. Actually he was the one always reaching out to me, I rarely initiated contact.

I don't particularly agree with the statement nothing is real until you meet. We certainly spent 10-12 hrs talking - not texting, but really talking. You will inevitably build some form of emotion for this person, which makes it hard for me to understand how you can cut them off so easily. Also, from an economical perspective, I don't think it makes any sense to invest that much time into talking to someone online, just to ditch them a few days before meeting because of a couple of text messages.

I'm already over it anyway. However I still struggle to understand what the heck was going on in his mind haha, but I am so happy to know I am not the only one.

It's easy to get swept up and build in your mind an idea of someone over the phone or online. Let go of this guy and move forwards. Meet within a day or two or at least within the week. I think a lot of individuals find it easier to be non-confrontational because it takes less energy overall. In an age where you can "meet" someone or start texting someone or calling someone within an hour from your kitchen while whipping up something to eat, it's in most people's interests to use that time meeting individuals who are more compatible rather than spending time telling anyone that they are not compatible. 

People have just chosen where to spend their energies more. I personally prefer letting someone know if we're not a match after a date or two. It's much more civil and polite and most people have the decency not to interrogate or take it personally either. 

[ShyViolet]

The first red flag... and it's a red flag on YOUR part, is that you are using the term "dumped" and "broke things off" in regards to a man who you've never met in person, someone who you've been just chatting online with.  This was not a relationship.  You made a huge mistake in spending hours per day, for four weeks, chatting with a person you've never met in real life, and getting so emotionally invested like that.  Next time if you meet someone online who you are interested in, refrain from endlessly chatting with them before you meet in person, and getting caught up in a massive fantasy in your head before even establishing an in-person connection.  

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Dutchess_Rose said:

I don't particularly agree with the statement nothing is real until you meet. We certainly spent 10-12 hrs talking - not texting, but really talking. You will inevitably build some form of emotion for this person, which makes it hard for me to understand how you can cut them off so easily. Also, from an economical perspective, I don't think it makes any sense to invest that much time into talking to someone online, just to ditch them a few days before meeting because of a couple of text messages.

I'm already over it anyway. However I still struggle to understand what the heck was going on in his mind haha, but I am so happy to know I am not the only one.

I'm in the "it's not real until you meet" camp.  Based on the above, in your shoes, I'd console myself by assuming that he was a time waster who had no desire to meet so he was looking for any excuse no matter how lame to bail before meeting.  If he's got the wherewithal to be a busy corporate executive he probably has enough savvy to differentiate between a new person (you) & his EX.  So even if he prefers somebody who is more open about their feelings, he should have met with you, decided whether you two were compatible enough to try for a relationship, then focused on how open you could be once you knew & trusted him. To disappear before meeting with this lame excuse is just silly. 

Good riddance.  

[Wiseman2]

Yes. Not meeting in a timely fashion is a huge red flag.🚩 After a few messages, the convo should steer to where when etc. to meet.