Difficulty dealing with suddenly being dumped by text

[bluefhill]

I am in my early 30's and have been single for pretty much my whole life. I was happy being single during my early 20's. After this I have had quite a few stressful events lasting a while which has hindered any chance of a proper relationship. In I finally was able to start dating properly again over the past year and half, this just happened when covid started. When lockdowns started to ease I went on a few dates and met up with one of them regularly for a bit but that ended mutually.

This year I met someone at work who I was very quickly attracted to. I didn't ask her out as we would be working together for 6 months. So I kept things friendly until she was finishing at the place I was at. I ended up chickening out on the last day, but to my disbelief she asked me out. I was over the moon, couldn't quite believe it. I was quite nervous about meeting her on a date. This was down to my lack of experience dating and general shy character. However she was also quite shy (to a lesser degree) and so the date was kind of balanced. We ended up dating for a couple of months, with just over a week between them due to us both being quite busy with work and summer trips. She always seemed quite keen and we slept together on the last date. In the morning she cuddled me and we had a nice chat before I left.

A few days after we last met she messaged saying she had to be honest but she didn't feel a romantic connection and felt it was more of a friendship before wishing me well, and I never heard from her again. I did ask if I did anything wrong but got no reply. All I know is she had a very important exam coming up in a couple of months that was going to be stressful but I did say I was happy to delay meeting up/only meet up when she was ok with it.

I am struggling quite badly since her message. I have no idea if I did anything out of the ordinary/strange without noticing that made her say that. I keep playing over the last time we met up in my mind trying to figure out what happened. I think the reason I am also particularly struggling is that I really liked her for the 6 months we worked together, thought she was never going to be interested, and then she asked me out. It felt incredible that happened but it all went in a second. I have also had quite a few stressors at work/been working a lot and other life stresses recently but over the last couple of months though 'at least I am seeing a nice girl', but thats gone now.

Anyone got any advice to get over this? I get that it sounds like nothing but I am particularly struggling for some reason. 

[salparadise]

So you just slept with her that one time?

I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, and doing it via text was crass and cowardly to say the least. She may be afraid vulnerability, or she may be a unicorn hunter. I know it hurts but all you can do is try not to hold onto to those feelings. It’s little consolation, but at least it was before you had invested many months or years. Hope you feel better soon and eventually find someone who values you for the unique individual you are. 

Edited September 17, 2021 by salparadise

[bluefhill]

No it was a few times. Im just finding the situation especially tough for some reason. Never felt that way about someone before, and the feeling built up over the 6 months we worked together. I guess I was so elated and in disbelief she asked me out, that it was quite a crushing blow when it suddenly ended so quickly. Its just that the last time we met went so well and she seemed really keen on me that it was really unexpected to get her message a few days later.

As I am particularly struggling to get any closure, is there any nice and mature sounding way to ask for a chat to get bit more of an explanation about what happened? I am not keen on changing her mind, but it would just help me get some closure. I am a very unconfident individual and I can;t help but wonder if I did something really bad that put her off suddenly, and makes me worry I would do it again in future. 

[bluefhill]

I did forget to mention that her previous couple of boyfriends ended up stalking her after the relationship ended, which might explain why she didn't tell me she wasn't keen to continue when we last met up. However it doesn't really explain why she didnt at least call instead of message. She did mention one of the nights we were intimate that she was worried about continuing because she was thinking about being stalked if things didn't work out between us, but then carried on.

[ExpatInItaly]

A closure talk would be pointless, OP. You’ve already been met with silence and  it’s unlikely she would be honest about the real reasons anyway. 

My guess is that she has either gone back to one of these exes or is with someone else altogether, and didn’t have the heart to tell you that. Also? I tend to side-eye purple who claim multiple exes stalk them. A genuine stalker is rare. It seems that people often misuse the word “staking” and exaggerate an ex getting in touch or trying to get them back to be “stalking.” It irks me because it devalues the experience of those genuinely living in fear of a real and present threat. I dork know what the real story is with her, but I find that people who insist more than one ex is stalking them are often wildly over-stating the facts.  My two cents on that. 

It sucks, but we sometimes have to accept that we might never get the answers we want  - and that those answers might not particularly helpful anyway. 

Edited September 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, bluefhill said:

 it would just help me get some closure.

Try to let go. Ending it is the closure.

Rehashing is for the purposes of renegotiating, begging, trying to get back together, etc.

Don't do it. Reinvest your energy into moving forward. 

[bluefhill]

Its not been long since it happened so hopefully will let it go with time. As I mentioned I have minimal experience dating and have not ever been in a long term relationship despite being in my early 30's but had never been particularly upset when anything finished. When she asked me out I just felt incredible and couldn't believe it, and thought Id finally met someone I was really into and who was into me. And it just ended so abruptly without any explanation and with things going well. Just hugely knocked the minimal confidence I had and it just feels like it will never happen again, especially since it took so long to get that chance (literally until i was in my early 30's...)

[DividedTrail]

I wonder if she has a habit of breaking things off via text or in some other abrupt way and then vanishes. Then guys want an explanation, they contact her several times hence her feeling she is always being ‘stalked’.  

I might want more of an explanation too but I would ask once (which you did) and if it wasn’t looking like it would happen. Move on. I mean maybe it’s an age thing but breaking up via text in an otherwise OK situation, is just childish. 

[bluefhill]

I was thinking that might be the case, but she was living with her last partner before she broke up with him, and the partner before that actually initially broke up with her but then asked for her back. The first guy definitely sounded like a stalker as he kept turning up to her and her families house, the second guy was more debatable. I still find the sudden decision really strange considering she was acting so keen, not sure why anyone would do that.