Exit strategy for marriage

[Anonymous in Indiana]

I have (foolishly, I know) invested literally everything in the marriage... I have nothing of my own at this point. (Vehicle, income, etc.) I will be starting over from less than nothing and have to find my way to exit SAFELY and sanely... the relationship (on our best day) is not one which easily or comfortably affords or entertains successful communication. His reality and mine differ immensely, and he is volatile, rageful, and even abusive. Being able to leave and just be ok is really all I want/need. I don't want his money or any "things"... at the same time, living on my social security disability is challenging to say the least. I am trying to best/wisely prepare so that I am not worse for wear when the time comes. The world (as far as where I live and such) is wide open... though financially severely restricted. 

I imagine I will leave Indiana... though know nothing of where I may go (or how)...

Any and all ideas and suggestions are welcome. I am ready to live in alignment with my mind, body, soul and separation from abuse, neglect,  abandonment, deception, and the cognitive dissonance of being with someone that is undeniably terrible for me (and TO me).

I have NO problem being alone... even on my tremendously limited income. It's just finding a place I can (magically) afford, and with the basic necessities. 

[d0nnivain]

Educate yourself about what income you can earn on your Social Security.  There are maximums which will allow you to do something.  Learn how to budget.  If you can cook even a little, especially on a good day when you are feeling up to it, that will save you some money.  Find out what other programs you may be eligible for.  

Contact local law schools.  See if you qualify to become a client of the law school's clinic.  You will be assigned a team of law students working with a professor who can act as your divorce attorney.  The students will be very eager.  It's a good deal if you qualify.  

[Caauug]

On 9/17/2021 at 10:18 PM, Anonymous in Indiana said:

Being able to leave and just be ok is really all I want/need. I don't want his money or any "things"...

Don't make any promises like this. Once you have left him and are safe you will want your share of the resources of the M.... One step at a time.

[Anonymous in Indiana]

I am curious what exactly you mean here... while I am sure you meant well, you might want to re-think both your idea if what is a priority in your life and the lives of others, and what makes you think I am so foolish as to not know (or mean) what the hell I am saying. What makes YOU more knowledgeable about my circumstance and situation? The condescension in thinking/expressing that my thoughtful statement (in full or part) regarding my situation and plan, what matters most to me,  and what I am seeking,  is somehow inaccurate and/or mistaken astounds me. Should you have something significant to offer, or even find a need to share the details of your contrary experience as a potential example of something I ought to consider, I would absolutely appreciate it. Telling me that I am not impeccable with my word, that I lack self-awareness, and determining for me who I am and what matters to me both now and in the future?.... not so much.

I am 48, and have started over before. Having "stuff" is nice, of course, but is far from mandatory. Beyond my clothes and the things that are specifically mine, however,  I don't care about ANY of these "things". What you consider "shared resources" are the result of his ridiculous spending habits, and need to present a particular image ~ NONE of which matter to me AT ALL. 

As for basic everyday living stuff, sure, having a bed, something to sit on, a TV, whatever.... the ones we have are nice and also far exceed both what I need and what is likely to fit into the kind of housing I alone will be able to afford. 

Dishes, kitchen appliances, whatever... I am content to find those at estate sales and the like. 

So please give me some credit (and consider the negativity and toxicity of my current environment) and believe that I know exactly what I said, and meant it 💯. I am not interested in nor motivated by material items (nor future financial support or gain from him). Furthermore, regardless of the realities of things (as you recognized) "once I am safe", and what may be lacking or involve challenges and difficulties, "my share" of things is MY OWN. I am perfectly fine leaving with what I brought with me. (Or the equivalent). Being FREE from him and the way we live, and genuinely starting over by MY design is what matters. 

I intend to leave him (in the ways that matter to me, and in the ways that I have been able) better off than I found him. (This is already true. Other opportunities for this rely upon his willingness to do so ~ entirely up to him to use what I have taught him and open doors that I have shown him.) I expect to never/rarely speak or encounter one another, as there will be no need, and he will likely need to make me the bad guy in his story, which is his choice, and as everything else in his life a that point ~ has nothing to actually do with me. (Also a likely reality because I intend to live a great distance from him.)

The life (and lifestyle) that matters to me is not predicated or even improved by more or better "stuff". I am surrounded by the ridiculous accumulation of it now, and I am UNSAFE, unsupported,  and in no way a "better" situation with access to them. 

The SOUL matters. Security matters. Being allowed to Thrive matters. The brand names and expensive decor are worthless (and will remain so). He. Can. Keep. It. (And the tremendous debt that came with it all)

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

The first step is to contact a divorce attorney to advise you. Do not use law students, they are not attorneys. You may qualify for pro bono help but you must be able to prove financial hardship.

Enlist the help of trusted friends and family to assist you with extricating yourself.

Do not explain your intent to leave. Get your ducks in a row first. Change all your passwords on all your accounts and devices.

Have mail forwarded to a trusted friend or family or po box, you'll need that for confidential correspondence with your attorney.

Get a prepaid phone he doesn't know about. Make all important calls with that phone.

If it's an abusive situation, the key is to act like normal but covertly plan your departure.

Once you are safely out of harms way, file for divorce and get if can not keep your location secret, get a restraining order.

[mark clemson]

My understanding is that shelters for battered women in some areas will offer temporary living arrangements, so contacting one is one thing to consider. Whatever you do, proceed cautiously.

[Caauug]

16 hours ago, Anonymous in Indiana said:

(And the tremendous debt that came with it all)

Good luck walking away from that.... 

[Veronica73]

Make sure your emails and internet usage aren’t being monitored. Get a burner phone and a post office box (in a way that your partner won’t be able to trace. Obviously this is difficult if you don’t have your own bank account, cash, or credit card). Start having all your mail forwarded to your post office box while you fill out the change of address forms for wherever you receive mail. Have your own account for money and try to squirrel away what you can. Ask trustworthy friends and family who are loyal to you and not your SO for help. Contact a domestic abuse organization. I’ve heard they can be a lot of help for women who don’t have their own money to get away. And again, make sure your communications aren’t being monitored by your SO. Plan it out so that he has no idea what you are working on, and he has no way track what you are doing. Contact a lawyer, but make sure if they respond to you, it is in a way that your SO won’t have any idea about it. 

Edit: Basically what Wiseman said.

Also….I’ve heard that when women first leave, or when they first get restraining orders against their SO, that is when they are most at risk for violence. I don’t know if this is true or not, but that’s what happened to somebody close to me. So…keep it ALL under wraps until you are safe.

Sorry I can’t be of more help. You say you might leave the state you are in….but why? Is it because you SO lives there? You don’t like it? What are you looking for in a new place?

Edited September 23, 2021 by Veronica73

[glows]

The more methodically and thoroughly you plan your exit and your divorce, the better off you will be in the long term. This means contacting and obtaining good legal advice and being ready to let go which you sound ready to do. Right now you are probably very raw and deeply hurt. 

[Anonymous in Indiana]

6 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

Make sure your emails and internet usage aren’t being monitored. Get a burner phone and a post office box (in a way that your partner won’t be able to trace. Obviously this is difficult if you don’t have your own bank account, cash, or credit card). Start having all your mail forwarded to your post office box while you fill out the change of address forms for wherever you receive mail. Have your own account for money and try to squirrel away what you can. Ask trustworthy friends and family who are loyal to you and not your SO for help. Contact a domestic abuse organization. I’ve heard they can be a lot of help for women who don’t have their own money to get away. And again, make sure your communications aren’t being monitored by your SO. Plan it out so that he has no idea what you are working on, and he has no way track what you are doing. Contact a lawyer, but make sure if they respond to you, it is in a way that your SO won’t have any idea about it. 

Edit: Basically what Wiseman said.

Also….I’ve heard that when women first leave, or when they first get restraining orders against their SO, that is when they are most at risk for violence. I don’t know if this is true or not, but that’s what happened to somebody close to me. So…keep it ALL under wraps until you are safe.

Sorry I can’t be of more help. You say you might leave the state you are in….but why? Is it because you SO lives there? You don’t like it? What are you looking for in a new place?

Statistical data DOES indicate that the most dangerous time is when you actually leave (and in the time immediately following the departure). This is why being strategic in planning my exit is paramount. 

I have ZERO ties in, nor love for, Indiana. This place is HIS home. I actually convinced him to move to the area of the state where we now live because it is the most positive support (and accountability) network for him, and subsequently then, the safest option also for me. He has people who care about him and who matter to him, and whose opinions of him also matter to him. It has been a wise move. (They call him out, lovingly). 

As for what state/region I will make MY home... I love the mountains, and water... being in nature is a soul elixir. Getting to be active outside as much of the year as possible would be ideal. I prefer a "blue" state, as they have more options and assistance for people in my position. 

Preparing as thoroughly and intelligently as I can is what matters. While there are some things that are not possible in this moment, having things to work toward makes things better somehow. 

I have gotten some sound advice (thank you all!) and solid steps to take... that makes it better already. Hope, determination, love, and passion for what is possible... these are powerful things! I am grateful to be soundly on my way, regardless of how long it takes. Moving forward consistently is empowering. 

[glows]

Check in and update us. I hope things go over smoothly. You're not alone either way. I hope you find your mountains and water. I am in the Pacific Northwest and also enjoy the same very much. Wishing you lots of strength to do all the things you would like to do and for a brighter future too.