We broke up, it seemed like a short break until she sorted out her mental health. She is pulling away more and more. Should I leave her alone?

[stevemac82]

So I'm gutted, every day is painful for me. About 16 days ago, after an argument my girlfriend and I agreed to break up because of her experiencing severe depression. The depression resulted in her pushing me away being hot and cold and I reacted poorly towards the end. I got constantly mad at having no attention from her, at feeling like she was never present with me when we were together. The words she used in the break up tex was "walk away from this for a short period of time and reassess". I told her I wouldn't contact her, but she could contact me if she need help or support with her mental health issues. She said she didn't want "no contact", and didn't want to feel like I was gone. We later agreed to still go to a play we had tickets to about 4 days after the breakup. Whilst we talked a lot after the play at dinner, it was very weird. We couldn't hold hands, I couldn't kiss her properly hello and goodbye. We both cried a lot. Since then I have had 1 text from her about asking how I am. I responded got nothing. Then last night I noticed all the photos of us together where not on her insta pages anymore. I got mad. I texted her saying I wish she would have communicated with me before deleting photos and cutting me out of her life. Long story short I had bought her a laptop through my business as I could write it off on tax, and I asked for it back as well as for her to tell me when and where I can drop her stuff off to her (or her friends) that is still in my apartment. I immediately apologised (like 2 mins later before she could respond) about the laptop and said she can keep it, I was just acted out of emotion on the laptop. She said she had archived the photos because looking at them made her sad. She was at work and said she would communicate with me after work. Since then, nothing all day. I don't want to reach out again. I want to aim for 30 days no contact and see how things go. But this is so hard. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm excercising, meditating, trying to eat healthy. But I'm so very sad and I cannot stop loving her. Am I doing the right thing? Should I maybe instead be trying to catch up and talk to her, see if we can sort things out so I can support her dealing with her depression. I feel so strongly for her, I'd honestly do anything for this woman. I've never loved like this before.

[stevemac82]

Sorry btw, my spelling and grammar in that post is atrocious, I really should have proof read that rather than just brain dumping!

[ExpatInItaly]

These types of breaks are usually the soft way to break up, sadly. 

So as far doing the right thing, it's not really under you control anymore. She seems to be making her exit from the relationship even though she claims it's just a break. I think you would be wise to keep your distance and brace for a complete break-up. 30 days of silence isn't going to be what makes or breaks it though it would be a good idea to take space for yourself and stop communicating for now. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

[stevemac82]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

These types of breaks are usually the soft way to break up, sadly. 

So as far doing the right thing, it's not really under you control anymore. She seems to be making her exit from the relationship even though she claims it's just a break. I think you would be wise to keep your distance and brace for a complete break-up. 30 days of silence isn't going to be what makes or breaks it though it would be a good idea to take space for yourself and stop communicating for now. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

Thank you, it's kind of you to respond. I will take that onboard, I will keep focusing on me

[glows]

2 hours ago, stevemac82 said:

About 16 days ago, after an argument my girlfriend and I agreed to break up because of her experiencing severe depression. The depression resulted in her pushing me away being hot and cold and I reacted poorly towards the end. I got constantly mad at having no attention from her, at feeling like she was never present with me when we were together. 

She has to receive treatment for her depression so point her in the direction of her doctors and step away from trying to help her. As the relationship is over it's best to treat it as over, treat each other with enough respect to give space and distance yourselves. If she asks you to keep in contact, explain that you need the space to process the break up and again encourage her to gain the professional help she needs. She is not going to be the partner you need or want until she is properly treated for her depression or mood disorders.

Avoid any 30 day no contact miracle claims on the internet. They're bogus and manipulative schemes. Remain in no contact for yourself, not to get her back. Use the time now especially to rethink the whole relationship. Off/on relationships and tumultuous or chaotic relationships aren't healthy. Has that been the theme?

Edited September 18, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, stevemac82 said:

, after an argument my girlfriend and I agreed to break up 

Sorry to hear that. What was the argument about?

Was it a chronic issue?

Unfortunately, "mental health", has become the new "it's me, not you" breakup explanation.

The best thing to do is stop being friends and communicating this much.

Step back and reflect. Give yourself some peace.

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, stevemac82 said:

I don't want to reach out again. I want to aim for 30 days no contact and see how things go. * * * Am I doing the right thing? 

No you are not doing the right thing. 

When some one is truly clinically depressed they are ill, just like if they had a broken bone or cancer.  They need medical attention.  One of the ways the illness manifests is lack of interest or ability to engage in life.  They don't have the emotional wherewithal to have a relationship.  They are so empty inside that they have nothing to give a partner.   To try to force them to be there for you is counter-productive.  They can no more help you or be there for you then a paraplegic can get up out of a wheelchair & walk over to you.  

When something is wrong in a relationship you work together to fix it.  Your GF tried to tell you what she needed:  support & understanding with the pressure off.  She wanted to talk occasionally but didn't want to have be "on" for dates & anything sexual / romantic (holding hands, kissing etc.).   That is not really fair to you.  It's like half a relationship where you give, she takes & you get nothing in return.   When she did things to make herself feel better, like hide the photos, you got mad.  I understand why it hurts but that should also have given you some clues as to how much pain she was in.  

If your GF is unable or unwilling to work with you to fix what's wrong in the relationship, all you can do is end it & walk away.  Her mental health is not going to be better in a month  So your plan to ignore her for 30 days is unworkable.  If you don't tell her you are doing this, something she told you she didn't want, she will conclude you have abandoned her.  It will make her hate you for hurting her.  

I don't see a path forward together for you because she doesn't presently have what it takes to be in a relationship.  You can't fix her depression any more than you could cure her cancer if she had that.  She has to work with a competent medical professional & it will take years to address.  She may not have the energy to give you anything while she's healing.  When she starts to get better you may find that you two no longer fit together. You came together & stayed there at her low point.  When she improves, she may outpace you. It's really not a workable situation.  

Sorry. 

Do keep up your own health.  Best wishes.    

[stevemac82]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No you are not doing the right thing. 

When some one is truly clinically depressed they are ill, just like if they had a broken bone or cancer.  They need medical attention.  One of the ways the illness manifests is lack of interest or ability to engage in life.  They don't have the emotional wherewithal to have a relationship.  They are so empty inside that they have nothing to give a partner.   To try to force them to be there for you is counter-productive.  They can no more help you or be there for you then a paraplegic can get up out of a wheelchair & walk over to you.  

When something is wrong in a relationship you work together to fix it.  Your GF tried to tell you what she needed:  support & understanding with the pressure off.  She wanted to talk occasionally but didn't want to have be "on" for dates & anything sexual / romantic (holding hands, kissing etc.).   That is not really fair to you.  It's like half a relationship where you give, she takes & you get nothing in return.   When she did things to make herself feel better, like hide the photos, you got mad.  I understand why it hurts but that should also have given you some clues as to how much pain she was in.  

If your GF is unable or unwilling to work with you to fix what's wrong in the relationship, all you can do is end it & walk away.  Her mental health is not going to be better in a month  So your plan to ignore her for 30 days is unworkable.  If you don't tell her you are doing this, something she told you she didn't want, she will conclude you have abandoned her.  It will make her hate you for hurting her.  

I don't see a path forward together for you because she doesn't presently have what it takes to be in a relationship.  You can't fix her depression any more than you could cure her cancer if she had that.  She has to work with a competent medical professional & it will take years to address.  She may not have the energy to give you anything while she's healing.  When she starts to get better you may find that you two no longer fit together. You came together & stayed there at her low point.  When she improves, she may outpace you. It's really not a workable situation.  

Sorry. 

Do keep up your own health.  Best wishes.    

Thank you. This response rings very true to me. It is what she was trying to describe to me. The living hell and torment of every day. She did try to tell me about this for a while now. She even reassured me how much she loved me when she told me why she was acting the way she was acting, and in a way I got fed up with what felt like half seeing each other (sexual / romance was very tough near the end before the break up, and now it seems she wants a half relationship post the break up as you've outlined). Correct again regarding hiding the photos, I got mad again which is terrible, I now feel awful about that. I'm not really doing much here to help her by behaving like this. I wish I could work with her to help her, but I think I'm not capable right now. I am working on my own mental state. But that's more for me to be a better person.

I agree she doesn't have what it takes to be in a relationship and it may take her years to heal. She is much younger than me too. I feel really confident that she will be able to work through her pain, she is a very strong person and I admire that about her. I really want her to heal. But it may not work out for us because the age gap is compounded by how long it might take her to heal, even if I could work on myself at the same time I think time is going to work against any hope of us being happy together. I am still somewhat hoping that it can work, but I'm trying to be realistic to help my mental state right now.

I am also kinda hoping I can try to be a friend or find some way to be supportive to her, I care very deeply for her and want her to be happy in life. I think rather than 30 days or whatever I'm going to give her the space she needs and reassure her later on down the track that I am her to listen to her.

[d0nnivain]

You get to sort your relationship any way that you both like but a depressed person is no more capable of being a friend then a romantic partner.  

If you are stuck on this arbitrary 30 days, I would at least tell her that your plan is to back off to alleviate any pressure she may feel.  You will remain open to talking to her if she reaches out but to accommodate her issues you are not going to reach out because you don't want her to feel obligated or that you are asking for more than she can give.  

Wish her well & then go back to working on yourself.  

As @Wiseman2 pointed out, "i need to work on my mental health" is sometimes just a modern day version of "it's not you, it's me."   She may want out but not have the self awareness to know or say that.  You can't force it. 

[stevemac82]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As @Wiseman2 pointed out, "i need to work on my mental health" is sometimes just a modern day version of "it's not you, it's me."   She may want out but not have the self awareness to know or say that.  You can't force it. 

I felt that may be the case at first (and still think it may be), but I am certain that her depression is very real and very serious from how she described it. Before we broke up she had started really opening up to me about it, like not being able to shower, or get the energy to get out of bed to go to the toilet. Then for me to later get angry at her about it, she told me how much that hurt because she trusted me, confided in me then got that back. Hence I am still concerned about her, but I can't do much more. I'm likely to only make things work. Thanks again, you've really help me understand that my behaviour is making this much worse for someone who is very sick. 

I'll consider if I do reach out or not to tell her I'm backing off, but I'm thinking things are back to being silent between us. That may be the best for us both regardless of arbitrary 30 day plans etc. If she does reach out to me I'll let her know something along those lines (I'm backing off but if you need my help or support I'm here to listen), that's good advice. It's pretty similar to what I tried to establish when we first had the break up SMS, I said I won't pressure you but you can reach out to me if you need help. That's when she said she didn't want to feel like I'm gone. I think that she's now maybe wanting that (to move on and put this behind her), but I shouldn't be acting angry. It hurts, but I need to just let this go.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long were you together, OP?

And is she currently seeking any sort of treatment for her depression, or have plans to?

[stevemac82]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long were you together, OP?

And is she currently seeking any sort of treatment for her depression, or have plans to?

6 months, not long I know. But I've had longer relationships that have broken down and I never felt this way. It was a very unexpected relationship, we only intended to have a light hearted relationship and enjoy each others company and affection. But it grew, and it was beautiful. We had just recently realised we were in love. She has had issue her entire life, she has sought support and is currently on meds. My belief is that the med balance is wrong, she recently had a change to her meds. Underlying it all I also think she needs a psychologist, not just medication (that she is receiving from a psychiatrist). She has seen a psychologist in the past but stopped for a pretty tragic reason. She now feels seeing one would be like starting all over again with dealing with trauma, and that is very scary for her. We had discussed all this for a while. It was only recently that the depression became intense. She was very open with me about it. As I've said earlier, I look back now and understand I got frustrated and mad. That was the worse way to support someone who's sick. I will probably regret that for the rest of my life, behaving like that. I sincerely hope she gets better regardless. I know she will get better. The thought of that happening does make me very happy, even if it's not with me being around in her life. Right now it's hard to accept that, but I really do want her to be the best person she can be. She's an amazing person.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, stevemac82 said:

6 months, not long I know.

You're right. 

I know you like her a lot, but I would not put myself on hold for someone I had dated such a short time. This is especially true considering she does not really want to address the underlying issues to finally help resolve it. 

I also would not beat yourself up about not being more compassionate. The same goes for your reaction to her deleting your pictures online - it's normal to be hurt when you realize this probably isn't just a temportary break. You are human too, and while it didn't help matters, I don't think your anger really affected the ultimate outcome here. She isn't in a place to offer you a relationship and does not seem to want your support at this time either. I think that she would have called time on the relationship regardless of how you responded to her increasing distance.

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with @d0nnivain and @Wiseman2.  

But since you have only been together for 6 months... just move on.  Since she sees you as part of the issue... you can not help her.  Since you have already been "Romantic"... you can't back track and just be a friend.

Also... Regardless of if the "Depression" is clinical, or not... you need to let her know that you were serious about the relationship, and you can't be her "Plan B".  It's not an ultimatum... it's you walking away, and going NC.

I know it hurts... but it's the only way to make the hurting stop.  Every time you try to get together with her... or talk with her... you will hurt longer.

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[stevemac82]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're right. 

I know it. I’m normally resilient in relationships. Wish I knew why this one is hurting so badly. I’ll work that out with the help I’m seeking I’m sure. Thanks again for the advice. Really has made me feel better being able to discuss this