I (23f) think I want to end things with my boyfriend (25m) of 6 years, don't know how or when

[messybeing]

Okay, I need to get this off my chest. I'll try to keep it as short-ish as I can.

As the title says, I've (23f) been with my boyfriend (25m) for almost 6 years (our anniversary is in two months, which makes everything worse). We started when I was 18 and he was 20; he's my first and only relationship (I'm not his, but I am his longest relationship). The problem is, for a long time I was in love with him, but I don't think I am anymore. I do think he still loves me and I don't want to hurt him because I really love him and he's a beautiful person who has done so much for me. I am so scared of ending this.

I started to feel like something was wrong about a year ago, maybe something more (so yeah, I've been overthinking things). It's not like he did something big that really upset me and that triggered this; it's more like there have been a series of things that have caused this progressively. I think that the pandemic had something to do, cause we couldn't see each other for a couple of months and even tho he is very sweet and caring in person (always giving hugs and saying nice things and in general expressing love) when it comes to texting he sucks. I felt all the time like he wasn't paying me enough attention and he was very cold and distant. I always felt like this whenever we had to be apart and only communicate by text/phone calls, and I tried to talk about it several times during the last year because it really made me feel lonely. Whenever we talk about this he tries to change and be more loving, but a couple of months pass and it all goes back to normal. That happened three times, I think. So at this point I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it anymore.

Apart from that, in our last anniversary (5 years) I felt really disappointed because I prepared really cute handmade presents for him (in advance, of course), things I was sure he was going to like, putting detail to it. When the day came he did not have anything at all prepared for me. That day I spent the night crying (at his home). He one week later tried to fix it by dedicating me a song that he composed for me, but I've felt all this time like that wasn't enough for all the sadness he made me feel that day. He knew our anniversary was a really important thing to me and that I love details. He tried to compensate during the year by inviting me to diner many times and things like that but I think I'm still hurt.

But that was just one part of it. On the other hand I've really started to feel less and less attracted to him. Lately I don't feel like having sex with him, but I do know that he wants to have sex with me. It makes me feel horrible and I know he feels disappointed too. At first I thought it had something to do with me, like a general loss of sex drive, but I do like to masturbate frequently and just last night I had a "sexy dream" with someone who was not him. I woke up feeling really bad for real, like I'm just deceiving him. Also, whenever I'm with him I can't stop pointing out flaws in him, little things that I used to like that now have started to annoy me. I think this is a clear signal that things are not good.

At the same time I feel like I'm in a very difficult situation: my family loves him and they have a good relationship, and the same goes to me and his family, so I know that would make things harder; we also share the same group of friends, so I'm scared of creating a bad aura and losing friends in the process or maybe dividing the group or something like that. And lastly I don't think I am in the best place mentally speaking, because this last year has been terrible for me, I'm going through a very stressful time finishing my master's degree and preparing a big exam to get an important job; I have also started to suspect I have undiagnosed anxiety so I will probably need therapy after this. I know that losing his support is gonna take a toll on me.

Besides of all that, my boyfriend is my best friend. I'm really scared of losing him forever. He's a very special person to me and I don't want to stop talking to him or lose contact. I trust him, I think he's a really good person, very funny (he always makes me laugh), one of the best people I know and I want to keep him in my life. I just think we don't work as a couple anymore.

All of this makes me really sad and I don't know how to end things or when to do it. I don't want to hurt him. And as I said our anniversary is really close so I don't know if it's the best moment (well I guess there's never a perfect moment for a breakup).

It's my first time having to deal with something like this so I would really appreciate some advice, cause I'm at a loss. Sorry for the long text.

tl;dr: I think I want to breakup with my boyfriend cause I lost attraction for him and I don't think he is really attentive anymore; tried to talk with him about it but didn't work. I don't want to hurt him cause he is my best friend and I want to keep in touch.

Edited September 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, messybeing said:

tl;dr: I think I want to breakup with my boyfriend cause I lost attraction for him and I don't think he is really attentive anymore; tried to talk with him about it but didn't work. I don't want to hurt him cause he is my best friend and I want to keep in touch.

Things don't always work out, even with the best of intentions and efforts, so it's better to leave each other with respect and gratitude and take the lessons learned.

Maybe more than many specific experiences and commonalities, you'll miss his presence; but, if neither of you can resolve it and also opt to stay, it implies you're together for convenience.

Don’t delay his happiness, or yours. Yes, it will be painful, but you need to have a frank discussion.

[glows]

What stands out to me in your writing is that you need contact with him on a consistent basis. You are even, ironically, willing to break up with him but still want contact. You like/love him but you are deeply resentful. I think part of this, and this is just a hunch from what you've written, is due to the idea that you can't seem to stand on your own two feet or self-soothe. You need him in your life for hugs and reassurances but whatever he gives you is just not enough. He may write a song after you but it's not enough and too little too late because of the grudges you hold of the past. You carry weights on your shoulders with that resentment even though you need him to make you feel better on a regular basis. Patterns like this run the risk of picking a relationship to death, no matter how sustainable or healthy it indeed is (we only have your side of the story). 

You are on the right track wanting to address your anxiety and unhappiness. Why not seek therapy and counselling immediately to help clarify things for you? 

Here are some things to keep in mind: 

Break ups are very difficult and painful most of the time. There is no avoiding that. 
Staying in contact with an ex is unrealistic as it deprives you both of healing and finding new loves and relationships. 
Untreated anxiety or depression needs professional advice and guidance.
Learn to self-sooth and problem-solve on your own. Your partner is an accomplice but not the sole provider in that. 

 

[d0nnivain]

He's all you know so of course the idea of change is scary.  Still that is no reason to stay.  You are transitioning into adulthood & thinking about forever.  You know deep down you want more than he can give, which is fine.  You are a nice person so you don't want to be a source of pain for him, because he is also a fundamentally nice person.  Still that is no reason to stay together.  

There is never a good time to break up.  Your anniversary may be in 2 month but so is Thanksgiving & Christmas . Then you have New Years & Valentine's day.  All of those are not ideal times to end things but now. . .in September is not the worst.   The longer you delay the worse it will be.  At some point you have to just rip the bandaid off.