regarding social media

[solostand]

Hi, I am an ex OW now grappling with a dilemma.

As many of you know, I saw MM this summer for the first time in six years. It really did a number on my head and I will admit I am STILL slightly screwed up over the run in two months later. He made sexual advances towards me five separate times this summer.

Anyway, six years ago our long term affair blew up and ended in a restraining order against me filed by the wife, daughter, and MM. I had taped a conversation with MM where he was disparaging his wife and telling me he loved me. I sent this tape to her and the daughter. I am not proud of this. 

Anyway, way back when that whole drama was going on I was friended on Facebook by the MMs neice, who is very close to the BS. I did not know that at the time. I knew her through a support group.

When I realized she was reporting back to the BS, I unfriended her. She immediately noticed I unfriended her. But then I realized I had nothing to hide, that I was improving my life and anything she reported back to the BS was going to be positive anyway. So I friended her again.

Later, I even hired her to do some work for me and she explained she had to tell the BS she was working for me, out of respect for the BS, but she was only telling the BS that I was doing great in life anyway.

So, she's been my social media friend for six years I guess.

To today. When I ran into MM, he told me he had been keeping tabs on me through this friend. He knew a shocking amount about my life in the past six years. He also indicated that the BS and others in the family called me the ''Black Widow'' and even though I have them blocked on social media, they are following it through this friend.

Now, maybe I am paranoid, but looking back, I am realizing a LOT of things happened in my life that could have been revenge put in place by the BS through information gleaned from this friend.

I am very uncomfortable with this situation but I am very hesitant to unfriend the woman. The reason is that it will draw attention to me. It will cause the BW to become suspicious. And although I have done nothing wrong, I fear it will cause negative repurcussions in my life. She knows her husband ran into me and she has been searching his phone.

However, if I keep her my friend, I now know she is reporting back to BS and has been for SIX years.

 

[Wiseman2]

All you yon do is review and reset all your social media privacy setting.

Clear out all the dead weight. Reset things so only certain people can view certain content. 

Of course you'll have to delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media, contact lists, devices, and messaging apps.

You can't have privacy and an overly content rich, easily viewed social media presence.  

[S2B]

She has been used as a pawn to spy on you.

no matter what the repercussions make sure your settings stop showing her all your content.

you can leave her as a friend/contact but not show her your info moving forward.

seriously, anything they get to know about your life now should be viewed as invading your privacy.

start protecting yourself.

[spiritedaway2003]

Is she still working for you?  You don’t need to explain anything to her.  It’s your social media.  Don’t invite more drama.  Remove her from your list or set the privacy groups so that she can only read public posts.

If asked, simple state that you want to keep your social media more personal.  
Or delete it altogether if it’s causing you more problems than not. 

Ultimately, you don’t have to explain why you unfriend her. She should already know since she had been snitching on you the entire time.

Biggest lesson: Set your boundaries and protect yourself.  Don’t undo all the progress you’ve made.  

Edited September 18, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Blind-Sided]

OK... we can't live in the past... but just stop talking to the MM, and move on !!!!!!!!!!!!   Then, it doesn't matter who is "Spying" on you, since it wont matter.   Continuing to talk to someone who you can't have a relationship with... and who has pushed you out of his life with a restraining order, is not a person who you should want to be with. 

[solostand]

Sometimes you just need to write things down to see things clearly. I've been waffling about this for a month or longer. Once I read it in print the thing was clear: I blocked her.

I don't care what she thinks or what the BW thinks or what he thinks. It's none of my business and my boundaries have been totally violated so it's goodbye girl and hopefully I'll never see or think of any of that crowd again.

This is what I would advise a friend or a daughter to do but these affairs, even very old and very dead ones, can be so complicated.

[solostand]

13 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

OK... we can't live in the past... but just stop talking to the MM, and move on !!!!!!!!!!!!   Then, it doesn't matter who is "Spying" on you, since it wont matter.   Continuing to talk to someone who you can't have a relationship with... and who has pushed you out of his life with a restraining order, is not a person who you should want to be with. 

I do not want to be with him. I ran into him unexpectedly and he sexually assaulted me.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

he sexually assaulted me.

Did you go to the police and report him?

[d0nnivain]

Because she was always connected to them by blood, you needed to keep her out of your life.  You failed to do that & now it's haunting you.  You can't fix the past but you can change the future.  

Get rid of her & don't look back  You don't owe her an explanation or anything else.   You may also want to tighten up your social media privacy settings & be more circumspect about what you post.  

[glows]

2 hours ago, solostand said:

Sometimes you just need to write things down to see things clearly. I've been waffling about this for a month or longer. Once I read it in print the thing was clear: I blocked her.

I don't care what she thinks or what the BW thinks or what he thinks. It's none of my business and my boundaries have been totally violated so it's goodbye girl and hopefully I'll never see or think of any of that crowd again.

Good for you. Let go. Start anew and don't carry that with you going forward.

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, solostand said:

Hi, I am an ex OW now grappling with a dilemma.

As many of you know, I saw MM this summer for the first time in six years. It really did a number on my head and I will admit I am STILL slightly screwed up over the run in two months later. He made sexual advances towards me five separate times this summer.

Anyway, six years ago our long term affair blew up and ended in a restraining order against me filed by the wife, daughter, and MM. I had taped a conversation with MM where he was disparaging his wife and telling me he loved me. I sent this tape to her and the daughter. I am not proud of this. 

Anyway, way back when that whole drama was going on I was friended on Facebook by the MMs neice, who is very close to the BS. I did not know that at the time. I knew her through a support group.

When I realized she was reporting back to the BS, I unfriended her. She immediately noticed I unfriended her. But then I realized I had nothing to hide, that I was improving my life and anything she reported back to the BS was going to be positive anyway. So I friended her again.

Later, I even hired her to do some work for me and she explained she had to tell the BS she was working for me, out of respect for the BS, but she was only telling the BS that I was doing great in life anyway.

So, she's been my social media friend for six years I guess.

To today. When I ran into MM, he told me he had been keeping tabs on me through this friend. He knew a shocking amount about my life in the past six years. He also indicated that the BS and others in the family called me the ''Black Widow'' and even though I have them blocked on social media, they are following it through this friend.

Now, maybe I am paranoid, but looking back, I am realizing a LOT of things happened in my life that could have been revenge put in place by the BS through information gleaned from this friend.

I am very uncomfortable with this situation but I am very hesitant to unfriend the woman. The reason is that it will draw attention to me. It will cause the BW to become suspicious. And although I have done nothing wrong, I fear it will cause negative repurcussions in my life. She knows her husband ran into me and she has been searching his phone.

However, if I keep her my friend, I now know she is reporting back to BS and has been for SIX years.

 

Do not keep her as a friend. Remove anything and anyone from your social media that links or potentially links back to him and his friends and family and make sure you have him fully blocked. It's outrageous that after 6 years he still behaves like this. It's very creepy and stalkerish.

[solostand]

6 hours ago, NYAG said:

Do not keep her as a friend. Remove anything and anyone from your social media that links or potentially links back to him and his friends and family and make sure you have him fully blocked. It's outrageous that after 6 years he still behaves like this. It's very creepy and stalkerish.

I have done this and it really feels empowering. Just thinking of the things he knew about me, and he told me outright that is how he knew it, through this person. I got the impression that the entire family was all crouched around a kitchen table in his house gawking through my social media page, taking notes, et cetera. And I did not want to hurt this woman's feelings. Who cares? All she probably thinks of me is that I am a nasty woman who had an affair with her uncle which really hurt her aunt.. Gross. Also, this affair ended six years ago. That is more than half a decade.

I find it very sad that his wife is still going through his phone every time she thinks he has laid eyes on me. What kind of a marriage is that? None of my business, that's what kind.

[solostand]

23 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did you go to the police and report him?

Nope. Why do you ask?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, solostand said:

I have done this and it really feels empowering

Good call. 

This was a no-brainer, so I am glad you removed this sneaky person from your social media. What they think of that is irrelevant. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, solostand said:

I find it very sad that his wife is still going through his phone every time she thinks he has laid eyes on me.

Maybe she knows or suspects he assaulted you? It was a lot more than laying eyes on in this case, from the sounds of it. Perhaps she is trying to figure out what exactly he did. 

In any case, yes, it sounds like a sad marriage for her. But whatever reason, she's chosen to stay. I would be grateful to be out of their drama. 

[solostand]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe she knows or suspects he assaulted you? It was a lot more than laying eyes on in this case, from the sounds of it. Perhaps she is trying to figure out what exactly he did. 

In any case, yes, it sounds like a sad marriage for her. But whatever reason, she's chosen to stay. I would be grateful to be out of their drama. 

I think she suspects he and I have started up again. We have not and I would never.

Which means she does not trust her husband around me.

When I said he sexually assaulted me, I mean he groped my ass and tried to kiss me and various other things which he hoped would lead to a sexual encounter.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, solostand said:

I think she suspects he and I have started up again. We have not and I would never.

Which means she does not trust her husband around me.

Well, no. Of course not. 

She knows what has happened in the past, so she would be foolish to trust him. 

[solostand]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, no. Of course not. 

She knows what has happened in the past, so she would be foolish to trust him. 

Oh O.K. I am not married.

I would find it hard to be married to someone whom I feel I have to supervise and spy on due to the fact that he would stray if I did not. It seems like such an exhausting job: spying on your spouse and secretly believing they are a**h***s.

But to each their own I guess.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, solostand said:

But to each their own I guess.

Yeah, that's just it. 

She evidently has her reasons for staying married to a man she can't trust. 

[FMW]

Stop thinking about these people.  If you're well and truly done with xMM, don't have any further ties or communication with any of them.  And never let him get close enough to you again to touch you.

Yes, their marriage is probably a mess, but it's none of your business.  Wasting even a moment thinking about it only keeps you tied to it all.  He's still occupying a lot of your head space.  

[solostand]

32 minutes ago, FMW said:

Stop thinking about these people.  If you're well and truly done with xMM, don't have any further ties or communication with any of them.  And never let him get close enough to you again to touch you.

Yes, their marriage is probably a mess, but it's none of your business.  Wasting even a moment thinking about it only keeps you tied to it all.  He's still occupying a lot of your head space.  

I agree. Now I feel guilty for posting here. I only post here because there is absolutely no one else with whom I can discuss this. 

[Pumpernickel]

Don't feel guilty@solostand ...... he used to be a big part of your life & you're still detangling yourself from the whole mess ........ it's unfortunate that you guys seem to live in the same town though; that must be difficult.......

But good call to delete her. Bravo! I hope you don't work with her anymore. Blood is thicker than water. Always. 

 

[FMW]

No, don't  feel guilty, I'm  sorry that was not my intention.  I was just being blunt about him and them being a huge drain on your emotions and energy.

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, solostand said:

I have done this and it really feels empowering. Just thinking of the things he knew about me, and he told me outright that is how he knew it, through this person. I got the impression that the entire family was all crouched around a kitchen table in his house gawking through my social media page, taking notes, et cetera. And I did not want to hurt this woman's feelings. Who cares? All she probably thinks of me is that I am a nasty woman who had an affair with her uncle which really hurt her aunt.. Gross. Also, this affair ended six years ago. That is more than half a decade.

I find it very sad that his wife is still going through his phone every time she thinks he has laid eyes on me. What kind of a marriage is that? None of my business, that's what kind.

The thing is, once your partner has been unfaithful, going through the other person's phone becomes a regular thing. Once the betrayal has happened, the trust can never truly be restored, whether they stray again or not.

[solostand]

16 hours ago, FMW said:

No, don't  feel guilty, I'm  sorry that was not my intention.  I was just being blunt about him and them being a huge drain on your emotions and energy.

I hate admitting I am not strong all the time. I agree with you, even one thought towards him or my past with him or that family which tried to have me put in jail takes away time when I could be thinking about myself and improving my life and creating an even better future for myself. It is just a total waste of time really. Like a fantasy to escape. Even as a teenager I used to moon over boys and fantasize and waste so much brain time giving my power away to various boys. Once, when I was maybe 20 and absolutely obsessed with this guy, my father looked at a picture of him and said: 'he's just a man, like a billion other men.' So true Dad.

Anyway, some times it is my CHALLENGE in life to stop acting in this way and giving my power away to men. I have done it many times but the thing is, I am a very accomplished person in my own right. I don't need a man to make me feel good I just get addicted to those brain chemicals that I know flow into my brain every time I lay eyes on that man.

So the answer is never to see that man again, block anyone who can report to him, and just stop thinking of it ever.

If you knew me in real life, you would see a beautiful middle age woman, who is very accomplished, who many people look up to and admire.

You would never suspect that some days, inside, she feels like a 15 year old and sometimes even acts like one.