recently seperated

[JLa]

I recently left my husband, after 14 years of marriage, because of many reasons. He was verbally abusive, didn't spend time with the kids, has absolutley no responsibility what so ever! He has never had a savings or checking account and has no clue how to take care of one. We don't have money to spend and he spends like crazy. Tells me that he works hard for his money and he will do what he wants to with it. Duh! you have a family to support, but that didn't seem to matter. He is very self centered. On top of all of this, he has an addiction to marijuana. I finally had enough and left. I moved out to my mothers and left him with everything. I just wanted to get away from it all. He should have seen it coming. For god sakes, I've been telling him for the last 6 years that I wanted out if things weren't going to change. They didn't and so I left. I thought everything through and wanted to make sure that we got along for the kids. We are in fact getting along for the kids, but he was completely devistated when I finally said, I'm leaving. I thought if he could ignore me, everything would go back to the same crap. Well, it did for all these years until I snapped. Now, he constantly calls me crying his eyes out telling me he now knows what he did wrong and will do anything to get me back. At this point, I don't know if I could ever go back wondering if it will all go back to the way things were. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Today is our 14th anniversay and after 14 years of doing nothing for me, he decides to send 14 long stem roses. What is that all about? Am I supposed to just change my mind that quickly? It pissed me off! I'm thinking, he has never done anything like this before, why now. He says he has lost the best thing he has ever had. Am I confused? A little, but I also feel that I could just be friends with him, but never together with him ever again. It hasn't even been 2 weeks and I feel like he is pressuring me to come back home and I really don't want to. As if matters could get worse. I went to a friends b-day party a couple of weeks ago and was overwhelmingly attracted to another man, not because he was good looking, had money or anything like that. He was very nice, funny, 8 years older than me and I was just very drawn to him. At that point, I asked myself..."If I am this attracted to another man, than I am really not in love with my husband". Honestly, this helped me to finally do what I have wanted to do for the past 6 years. I'm not looking into dating this man, although I would really like to go out with him and get to know him and he feels the same. My husband does not know anything about this and I could never tell him that I want to go out with someone. I know the right thing to do would be to work on resolving my marriage, but I'm not sure I want to. Please give me some advise to make me understand how I am feeling and what I should do?