max3732 Posted September 18, 2021 Share Posted September 18, 2021 Breaking up with my gf was extremely difficult to do, but I know it was the right thing. She was great about it, but I still feel very sad and empty inside. Afterwards I figured it was like getting back on the horse or bicycle and jumped on a dating app hoping I'd match with my dream girl. Instead I've spent hours just swiping or staring into space and not seeing many good profiles at all. I was hoping in my time away I'd get some good matches, but nothing. Now I have an empty feeling of being alone and wondering how to change that. Whenever I think about her and our time together it makes me cry. I want that feeling of happiness back. It's like something was torn from me and I'm not whole anymore. I also don't know how to go back to the whole "where are you from? What do you do for fun" type questions and superficial conversations after having such meaningful ones. Basically I'm hurting and concerned about the future. Link to post Share on other sites
salmagund1 Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 (edited) I feel you man...I'm going through this myself. Though if I read you right, you were the one that broke up with her? That means that no matter what you are feeling, its still better than what she is feeling right now... The only thing that works is time. And using that time to find yourself through doing other things. When enough time passes, you will see that you did the right thing. Or you will see that you messed up royally. Time will tell you that too, I promise... Use that time to be with your friends, to do new things, take up new hobbies and reinvent yourself. Thats what your ex needs to do to...even more than you do. Breakups suck until enough time passes that we can see how they were opportunities for personal growth. However cliché that sounds, it's true. Take care:) Edited September 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 Hold on: did you dump her, or did she dump you? A lot of how to recover depends on whether you initiated the breakup or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 On 9/18/2021 at 2:49 PM, max3732 said: I want that feeling of happiness back. It's like something was torn from me and I'm not whole anymore. Why did you break up then? Must be about something that was an important dealbreaker to you. So it probably had to happen. Not sure how old you are, and if you have a solid social life. These will be factors in finding somebody new. And I hear you on dating apps. OLD is like a full-time job. Not doing it anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 19, 2021 Share Posted September 19, 2021 Why did you break-up? Any who, there's a generally held assumption that a breakup is simply a breakup and shouldn't be a huge deal. It IS. Discover new interests, reconnect with old friends, or take a vacation. Then you can reflect on the relationship to learn more about yourself and how you interact with others, as well as areas where you can improve and be your best self in a new relationship. Or, you can skip all of that and just get back into the dating game. It is all up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted September 19, 2021 Author Share Posted September 19, 2021 2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: Why did you break up then? Must be about something that was an important dealbreaker to you. So it probably had to happen. Not sure how old you are, and if you have a solid social life. These will be factors in finding somebody new. And I hear you on dating apps. OLD is like a full-time job. Not doing it anymore. Yes, unfortunately there was something that was a dealbreaker to me. Don't want to put exactly what it was here, but it was something major like having kids and not telling about it. It had nothing to do with how much I enjoyed spending time with her and how comfortable I felt in all our dates. Everything I see reminds me of her and I keep thinking "can't wait to tell her about ..." then I remember I'll never see her again. I honestly don't have much of a social life and am now middle age. I have a very small number of good friends, am very close to my family and a bunch of acquaintances. Almost all my friends are married with children so I only spend time with most of them in group settings like sports. 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: Why did you break-up? Any who, there's a generally held assumption that a breakup is simply a breakup and shouldn't be a huge deal. It IS. Discover new interests, reconnect with old friends, or take a vacation. Then you can reflect on the relationship to learn more about yourself and how you interact with others, as well as areas where you can improve and be your best self in a new relationship. Or, you can skip all of that and just get back into the dating game. It is all up to you. I've been trying to reflect on what I learned from this experience and one is just how complicated this whole process is for me. So many things have to come together for what I want in a wife that I really hope I can find it. I also know that I don't want to settle just to get married or be in a relationship and that having things in common on paper is not as important as in person. On paper with the woman I just broke up with there are a number of differences (also a lot of common values and interests though), but there was something magical about how we were able to interact and enjoy being with each other. You think it's a mistake jumping back on dating apps so soon? Before I met her I had done a number of 1st or 2nd dates where it's the typical questions and I just yearned so much for something deeper. The thing I hate with OLD or the 1st few dates is one "wrong" word or action will have her judge me and not want to me with me. It was so nice being able to relax and just be myself with an actual gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, max3732 said: On paper with the woman I just broke up with there are a number of differences (also a lot of common values and interests though), but there was something magical about how we were able to interact and enjoy being with each other. You cited a dealbreaker - she didn't want children, but I assume she never disclosed that. Or perhaps that was just an example you used. 5 hours ago, max3732 said: You think it's a mistake jumping back on dating apps so soon? Before I met her I had done a number of 1st or 2nd dates where it's the typical questions and I just yearned so much for something deeper. The thing I hate with OLD or the 1st few dates is one "wrong" word or action will have her judge me and not want to me with me. It was so nice being able to relax and just be myself with an actual gf. That's your call. I know we are more inclined to ask these questions while deciding which direction to go, but WHEN to date again, it is subjective and unique to YOU; so, no rule can be chosen if it is OK to put our metaphorical toes back into the dating pool. Maybe a good indicator is when you begin to look forward to going on dates? Yes, dating often includes individuals looking for a partner who complements them the most with minimal risk. It's a mixed bag, really. Edited September 20, 2021 by Alpaca 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 It sounds too soon for you and you're still thinking about your ex so any questions and answers or comments coming from you are framed from a place of loss and yearning, not from genuine interest or focusing on a new potential partner/date. There's a reason why the term rebound exists. When was the break up? All this doesn't mean that you're barred from or shouldn't meet new people. You can still do that, of course, but try to be aware of your state of mind and that you're not feeling well. You should keep in mind that you'll likely attract partners who are just like you, needing company and still hurt. If you are ok with that, tread with care but enjoy the company. On healing, what I knew I had to do was to first get comfortable somehow with silences and feeling comfortable doing things on my own again. There's no one size fits all and no rush. When you start to feel good about yourself others will want to get to know you too and you might attract someone who's more compatible with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted September 20, 2021 Author Share Posted September 20, 2021 14 hours ago, Alpaca said: You cited a dealbreaker - she didn't want children, but I assume she never disclosed that. Or perhaps that was just an example you used. That's your call. I know we are more inclined to ask these questions while deciding which direction to go, but WHEN to date again, it is subjective and unique to YOU; so, no rule can be chosen if it is OK to put our metaphorical toes back into the dating pool. Maybe a good indicator is when you begin to look forward to going on dates? Yes, dating often includes individuals looking for a partner who complements them the most with minimal risk. It's a mixed bag, really. It wasn't the children issue, but something equally important that she lied about as well as several other lies. I just used that as an example. What really gets me is that she lied about it repeatedly and made up stories to cover the lies. So it wasn't just her answering "yes" or "no" one time. With dating I think I should give it at least a week before actually meeting someone. The thing is I never enjoyed the swiping or messaging women online where most never get back to me. I don't meet single women in real life since I work from home and all my friends are married. With covid I go out even less that I did before. The day of the breakup I probably spent an hour just staring at the wall lost in thought about if I'll even find anyone. 10 hours ago, glows said: It sounds too soon for you and you're still thinking about your ex so any questions and answers or comments coming from you are framed from a place of loss and yearning, not from genuine interest or focusing on a new potential partner/date. There's a reason why the term rebound exists. When was the break up? All this doesn't mean that you're barred from or shouldn't meet new people. You can still do that, of course, but try to be aware of your state of mind and that you're not feeling well. You should keep in mind that you'll likely attract partners who are just like you, needing company and still hurt. If you are ok with that, tread with care but enjoy the company. On healing, what I knew I had to do was to first get comfortable somehow with silences and feeling comfortable doing things on my own again. There's no one size fits all and no rush. When you start to feel good about yourself others will want to get to know you too and you might attract someone who's more compatible with you. Break up was a few days ago. What's weird is everything reminds me of her. The worse is when I see something coming up we had talked about doing together or when I'm doing or see something and part of me think "Can't wait to share this with her... ok wait". I've been trying to do things I enjoy and that seems to help a bit. Hopefully I will start to feel better about myself soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 20, 2021 Share Posted September 20, 2021 43 minutes ago, max3732 said: It wasn't the children issue, but something equally important that she lied about as well as several other lies. I just used that as an example. What really gets me is that she lied about it repeatedly and made up stories to cover the lies. So it wasn't just her answering "yes" or "no" one time. With dating I think I should give it at least a week before actually meeting someone. The thing is I never enjoyed the swiping or messaging women online where most never get back to me. I don't meet single women in real life since I work from home and all my friends are married. With covid I go out even less that I did before. The day of the breakup I probably spent an hour just staring at the wall lost in thought about if I'll even find anyone. One week post relationship where deceit was involved and now you're looking for a "dream girl?" How long were you together? Wanting to meet your "dream girl" and reclaim that feeling of happiness because you don't feel "complete" and don't have an active social life is just your way of licking your wounds as quickly as possible. Especially when you don't seem all that enthusiastic about the prospect of dating. Which, is understandable. On that point, it can be hard to discern if you bounce back in a way that clouds your perception when you're in the thick of something fresh and awesome. But perhaps you'll be one of the lucky ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ItsTheDay Posted September 21, 2021 Share Posted September 21, 2021 15 hours ago, max3732 said: It wasn't the children issue, but something equally important that she lied about as well as several other lies. I just used that as an example. What really gets me is that she lied about it repeatedly and made up stories to cover the lies. So it wasn't just her answering "yes" or "no" one time. I'm really curious now. I know you said you don't want to tell us the reason why you broke up with her but, can you give us a hint? Did she cheat? How old are you two and how long have you been with together? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 On 9/20/2021 at 12:11 PM, max3732 said: It wasn't the children issue, but something equally important that she lied about as well as several other lies. I just used that as an example. What really gets me is that she lied about it repeatedly and made up stories to cover the lies. So it wasn't just her answering "yes" or "no" one time. With dating I think I should give it at least a week before actually meeting someone. The thing is I never enjoyed the swiping or messaging women online where most never get back to me. I don't meet single women in real life since I work from home and all my friends are married. With covid I go out even less that I did before. The day of the breakup I probably spent an hour just staring at the wall lost in thought about if I'll even find anyone. Break up was a few days ago. What's weird is everything reminds me of her. The worse is when I see something coming up we had talked about doing together or when I'm doing or see something and part of me think "Can't wait to share this with her... ok wait". I've been trying to do things I enjoy and that seems to help a bit. Hopefully I will start to feel better about myself soon. Be more patient with yourself. Healing takes time. All these thoughts will fade also with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 How long were you dating? In the course of dating you get to know each other and if you are a good fit. In this case you claimed she's a liar and apparently did not fit your criteria as wife material, so you dumped her. That cycle and swiping on apps aimlessly will just continue until you reflect on what is important to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author max3732 Posted September 23, 2021 Author Share Posted September 23, 2021 On 9/22/2021 at 3:20 AM, Wiseman2 said: How long were you dating? In the course of dating you get to know each other and if you are a good fit. In this case you claimed she's a liar and apparently did not fit your criteria as wife material, so you dumped her. That cycle and swiping on apps aimlessly will just continue until you reflect on what is important to you. She readily admits she lied repeatedly about something major she knew was important to me. It's not a simple claim or disagreement. Otherwise she fit my criteria pretty well on what's most important to me. We dated about 6 months. I think I'm ready to meet women and go on actual dates, but the swiping and messaging on apps is annoying/tiring. I message or swipe on everyone that looks interesting and get nowhere most of the time. I even had someone "like" and message me on a paid site and when I replied she ignored me. I'm also trying to reach out to friends to see if they'd know anyone. I don't know what else to do Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 23, 2021 Share Posted September 23, 2021 Then don't use any apps that require swiping. Forget the apps altogether if you like. I'm sure there are paid sites and other ways to meet individuals. If you're going into it fed up and tired of the pursuit and not enjoying yourself, it comes across in your messages or introductions to new people. The break up was only a few days ago. Are you kidding yourself here that you're ready to date again? Time out and hang out with friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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