Am I overthinking or do I have to worry ?

[fallenclouds]

We started dating 9 years ago but 6 years ago he went back to his country. We then began a LDR including seeing each other on a regular basis. He proposed and were supposed to get married in 2020 but there was the lock down and the boarders were closed : it made the wedding impossible. We kept in touch everyday and everything went well for more than 1 year . But he began to behave differently : took more time to answer back or was silent for days. I felt less consistency, concern, caring … He also has decided to apply for a job overseas on his own (we used to decide together) and told me that I could VISIT him there if he got it. My guts gave me a bad feeling because the plan was to get married and to live together in order to stop visiting each other every month. If it wasn’t for the pandemy we would have been husband and wife by now. I was ready to give up my life and my job to live with him and build a family after getting married. 

 He then recently told me that he got tired of the LDR, tired of waiting and still has feelings. But he also told me that we were separated for too long and that I have to admit that each of us got used to live different lives. So, I couldn’t do anything to fix this fact (him being tired) due to time and distance, not only the global pandemy.

Though I understand that it’s a long lasting LDR and it’s hard for both of us, I can’t help wondering if he is trying to say something ? Am I supposed to be prepared for something ? What does he really mean ? 

Should I really do nothing to try to fix things ? Or shouldn’t I ?

Are those changes in his behaviour minor or major ? Should I fear a change in our relationship or a break-up ? I was looking forward to the borders to be opened but now I fear that the « homecoming » won’t be as joyful as hoped. 

Any opinion or advice is welcome. Thank you !

I tried to ask those questions but most of the time I got no answers.

 

Edited September 18, 2021 by fallenclouds
Forgot a word

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, fallenclouds said:

He then recently told me that he got tired of the LDR, tired of waiting and still has feelings. But he also told me that we were separated for too long and I have to admit that each of us got used to live different lives.  What does he really means ? 

Sorry this happened. true LDRs are stressful and difficult.

Unfortunately it sounds like he moved on, possibly met someone local.

The best option is to enjoy your local life and enjoy dating someone you can see regularly and build a relationship with.

[fallenclouds]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. true LDRs are stressful and difficult.

Unfortunately it sounds like he moved on, possibly met someone local.

The best option is to enjoy your local life and enjoy dating someone you can see regularly and build a relationship with.

Thank you.

I had that feeling too but I think it was hard to face it.

Thank you for the advice as well. Hard to think about it right now but it surely helps thinking about what the future may hold.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, fallenclouds said:

I can’t help wondering if he is trying to say something ? Am I supposed to be prepared for something ?

I think the answer is "yes" to both of your questions. 

He is backing out of the relationship and may be hoping you get fed up and end it so he doesn't have to do it himself. But the writing is on the wall here. He seems ready to go your separate ways.

[fallenclouds]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He is backing out of the relationship and may be hoping you get fed up and end it so he doesn't have to do it himself. But the writing is on the wall here. He seems ready to go your separate ways.

ouch, it does make sense ... so, he telling me that he still loves me and that he misses my physical presence would just have been a way to not hurt my feelings.

And strangely, I noticed that since our discussion he doesn’t tell me that he loves me anymore but just send those « hearts smileys and gifs » stuffs ... that has to mean something too ...

thank you ExpatInItaly 

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, fallenclouds said:

so, he telling me that he still loves me and that he misses my physical presence would just have been a way to not hurt my feelings.

Possibly, yes. 

A lot of people have trouble being direct when they know it will hurt a loved one's feelings. And he might indeed still love you, in the sense that he cares about you and wants the best for you - but not the kind of love that it takes to sustain a relationship. 

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I think you two need to have a very honest conversation about whether there is a future here anymore. It will be hard, but it needs to happen so that you can decide what to do next. 

[d0nnivain]

I think your relationship didn't survive the distance.  He's fallen out of love but still cares about you & doesn't want to hurt you so he's dancing around the issue.  

[Pumpernickel]

Yes, I agree with the others.

What I am reading is that he has distanced himself from the relationship. The fact is that men can't or won't go too long withough sex, so I am sure he's been looking elswhere. It is also a fact that it's difficult for anyone, woman or man, to break up after a long-term relationship, especially if there wasn't anything too drastic going on, like abuse or finding out about an affair. In my experience, many men have a very difficult time to express negative emotions, and it takes a lot for a man to be direct and end a relationship "honorably". Most would just prefer to let it fizzle out, especially in a long-distance scenario, or they prefer their partner to do the official breakup. So if he's not a very direct person per se already, he won't tell you bluntly what's wrong and that the relationship needs to change or end. 

Also – that fact that he makes a life decision without your input is telling. Hardly anyone who considers themselves to be part of a serious R would make a job decision that involves moving to a different country without disscusing this with their partner. It's just not the way it's normally done. 

When was the last time you saw him in person, and how was it? Positive/negative/same as always/different?

Anyway – I am reading your OP, and what I come up with is that he's probably found somebody else whom he's sleeping with. He may have online dated in secret, or maybe he just "met someone". He probably developed feelings for the new woman, because in my experience, if it's just a sex fling, most men will just continue their "main" relationship/marriage until a decision needs to be made. He is not direct with you, but he clealrly is telling you that he has made a decision without your input. 

You should definitely confront him about this, and if I say "confront", I don't mean in an aggressive manner. But you do have a right to know why he chose a job change that involves a big move without your knowledge. You are/were his life partner after all, and you had plans to bridge the long-distance gap by moving in together in the near future. It's also not too far-fetched to assume that he moved back home to get away from the relationship. Or to take a break from the relationship. If you really had life plans together, with marriage and so on...., he could have waited or made other arrangements in the meantime, in order to make it possible for the both of you to move to his home country together. But that's just a thought and it doesn't mean I am right. I am just saying that if the R was important to him he probably wouldn't have moved in the first place.    

 

Edited September 19, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[stillafool]

On 9/18/2021 at 4:32 PM, fallenclouds said:

But he also told me that we were separated for too long and that I have to admit that each of us got used to live different lives.

I would say he still has feelings for you but has also gotten involved with someone else he likes.

[fallenclouds]

23 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I think your relationship didn't survive the distance.  He's fallen out of love but still cares about you & doesn't want to hurt you so he's dancing around the issue.  

He surely is dancing around the issue : when I ask him to talk about it he basically tells I am overthinking, period. He paradoxically talked about his will to travel here as soon as travels band will ease up. I fear this moment now because I think he may possibly just come to act as a gentleman : breaking up face to face and not online . Thank you, your answer will help me being prepared to possibly deal with that.

 

[fallenclouds]

On 9/19/2021 at 3:09 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Possibly, yes. 

A lot of people have trouble being direct when they know it will hurt a loved one's feelings. And he might indeed still love you, in the sense that he cares about you and wants the best for you - but not the kind of love that it takes to sustain a relationship. 

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I think you two need to have a very honest conversation about whether there is a future here anymore. It will be hard, but it needs to happen so that you can decide what to do next. 

Thank you for your post.
He had this kind of love that it takes to sustain a relationship until the long travels restrictions, I guess.
I am looking forward to have this discussion with him, it kills me to try to read between the lines and to wait but I’ll apparently have to, until he being ready to discuss about our future. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, fallenclouds said:

He had this kind of love that it takes to sustain a relationship until the long travels restrictions, I guess.

That's my point, actually. 

Had - not has. 

Unforuantely, it seems his feelings have changed. Something shifted for him, and it seems he just doesn't feel the same way he once did. 

[fallenclouds]

18 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yes, I agree with the others.

What I am reading is that he has distanced himself from the relationship. The fact is that men can't or won't go too long withough sex, so I am sure he's been looking elswhere.   

 

Thank you !

My story then shows that it is a proven fact.
His talking about the habit of living separately  began when he told me that he needed my warmth and physical presence and that there was nothing I could do to fix that. He added that there was nothing to worry about because he needed mine not another one’s. 

[Pumpernickel]

22 minutes ago, fallenclouds said:

he needed my warmth and physical presence

And yet he decided to move away from you. How does that make sense? Pointing out what HE needs, yet proactively making a decision that leads to the exact opposite. I would totally address that with him, if you still care about this relationship.  

[fallenclouds]

19 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

19 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

When was the last time you saw him in person, and how was it? Positive/negative/same as always/different?

 

    The last time I saw him in person was in the beginning of 2020. It was great, totally positive, I would say same as always. The only thing is that we were conscient about the uncertainty due to the pandemic. We knew that  our wedding would probably be postponed. We became very aware of the situation once at the airport where passengers had to rush in order to get the very last flights before the borders were closed. And then, just before boarding, he told me to come with him.
Today, I think that the reason behind that was not him just wanting me to be by his side. It might have been him being afraid not to be able to sustain the relationship if we were apart for a long time . I came to this conclusion because before he proposed he told me that he  wanted me by his side everyday and not miles away from him. He has reached his limits of LDR I guess and needed to get married in the coming months, but it didn’t turn that way due to the travel bans.

 

[Pumpernickel]

What was the reason for him to put that distance between you in the first place? Did he get a better job back home? Were you both on board with the decision, or did he make it unilaterally, like he did the second time?

[fallenclouds]

4 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

And yet he decided to move away from you. How does that make sense? Pointing out what HE needs, yet proactively making a decision that leads to the exact opposite. I would totally address that with him, if you still care about this relationship.  

He had to, as an expat his contract was over and he had to return to his country for at least 2 years. 
The plan was to get married and to move in together either in his home country or a foreign country (in the case he gets a job overseas).

The absolute fact I don’t understand is that he called me the day he was applying for a job at the moment he was doing it ?! why ? he told me because of the deadline (he decided just the day before, not to miss an opportunity) and of the proximity with my country but he didn’t talked about living there together anymore, instead he said «  you could come visit me easily » ... that is for sure one point I have to address with him if only he accepts to talk about it. For him, I’m overthinking : he hasn’t got the job yet ...

[fallenclouds]

26 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

What was the reason for him to put that distance between you in the first place? Did he get a better job back home? Were you both on board with the decision, or did he make it unilaterally, like he did the second time?

His expatriation contract was over and he had to return to his home country for at least 2 years (he had to reintegrate his job in the public administration).  

We talked about it, he was honest about it from the first days we were dating. We were both on board with the first decision. We kept on being together, took time to know and visit both of our families ... got engaged ... Then I have that bad feeling that something has changed during the pandemic, I cannot help seeing clues in his unilateral decision behaviors and communication. 

Edited September 20, 2021 by fallenclouds

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, fallenclouds said:

Then I have that bad feeling that something has changed during the pandemic, I cannot help seeing clues in his unilateral decision behaviors and communication. 

I think your instinct here is bang-on. 

Couples who are still invested generally make those kinds of big decisions together, especially if marriage was supposed to be in the plans. He is not invested that way anymore, it appears, which could be why he didn't tell you about this job opportunity elsewhere until the last minute. He knew you would have questions and my sense is he was avoiding that conversation on purpose, because he doesn't want to continue this relationship after all - but also hasn't quite worked up the courage yet to tell you that.