Finding a life partner in a modern world

[Bokor]

Swm here 40,s have been out of the relationship game for many years now . I feel that the dating scene now at least in the US is a nightmare to deal with . I’ve mostly resigned myself that it’s not really worth all the headache . I don’t really have much “ game” to speak of and I consider “ game” to be a pretty sad skill to strive towards. 
I feel culturally , women consider most men to be evil “ big bad wolf” monsters looking to sexually harass them or assault them at every turn considering men to be some kind of “ sex starved” perverted alien life form until “ proven” otherwise. That leads me to the dating scene where men are essentially on trial to cross Ts and dot I s to determine if they are worth the trouble or not . Men on the other hand are not permitted culturally to express themselves sexually in any way shape or form unless risking being branded a pervert. Even a simple kiss is sexual assault now so I think single men do see themselves isolated trapped unable to express their sexuality unless it’s behind closed doors and you are married even then ..,. Don’t speak of it like it’s some dirty little secret! 
I see this whole situation as pathetic that people can’t be more rational about a basic human need which leads me in kind of a ptsd state of mind when I think about finding a life partner 

I mean do I really want to go through the whole being on trial phase of the relationship and having to worry about whenever I want sex to be looked at as some kind of sick predator??

looking for some female responses here as I don’t know what the answer might be

should I just use prostitutes for my sexual needs and resign to being single? 
try to move to France where women are ok socially with men wanting sex all the time? 
I have a high sex drive but that is simply unacceptable for a man to have in this society 
 

Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
altered title to better reflect topic

[d0nnivain]

Wow.  You really must have been put through the wringer to be so bitter.  

Women like sex too but you have to recognize that sexual desire is from the brain, not the sex organs.  You have to engage on all levels not just sex.  Make somebody laugh.  Genuinely listen to your date.  Be interested in her as a person.  If you can do that, if you can be a gentleman who flirts rather than leers, a woman will naturally want to have sex with you, assuming you are well groomed.  That is not about being handsome or wearing designer clothes but having good hygiene & clothes that fit.  

You need to give somebody a chance to get to know you & you need to get to know her before hitting the sheets.  

I think if you are less angry & exhibit less of some sense that woman owe you sex you might have better luck.  

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Bokor said:

I see this whole situation as pathetic that people can’t be more rational about a basic human need which leads me in kind of a ptsd state of mind 

Try to get out of the misogynistic mindset and incels mentality.

You'll have better luck with women when you get rid of the entitlement and date them rather than see it as your need to have sex.

Get an evaluation from a physician for the depression and anxiety and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Hatred, withdrawal, feeling disgruntled and and angry like this could be signs of mental health issues you could get help for.

[Bokor]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to get out of the misogynistic mindset and incels mentality.

You'll have better luck with women when you get rid of the entitlement and date them rather than see it as your need to have sex.

Get an evaluation from a physician for the depression and anxiety and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Hatred, withdrawal, feeling disgruntled and and angry like this could be signs of mental health issues you could get help for.

Good points I have thought of a therapist as well 

it’s not that I only want sex I want someone I can do everything with and enjoy being with and love it’s just that the current criminalization mentality when it comes to men having a sex drive really gets on my last nerve so whoever I’m with …. If I interpreted that the woman I’m with considered my sexual needs at any time to be some kind of “ character flaw” I would probably end it right there because I have zero patience for this and not sure the therapist can help with with the societal dysfunction part of not seeing male sexuality as healthy 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Sexuality is healthy but good interpersonal skills are needed.  How one expresses sexual desire can be problematic.  When entitlement comes in appropriateness is usually missing.  Therapy will probably help you become more tolerant.  

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Bokor said:

I have zero patience for this and not sure the therapist can help with with the societal dysfunction part of not seeing male sexuality as healthy 

There is not "societal dysfunction". There is you not dating and thus not having the sex you want. Outside of your world of distrust and strange views of women, people are dating, having sex, falling in love, getting married and having babies every minute of every day.

[Bokor]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There is not "societal dysfunction". There is you not dating and thus not having the sex you want. Outside of your world of distrust and strange views of women, people are dating, having sex, falling in love, getting married and having babies every minute of every day.

Take the “ me too” movement which has rocked the foundations of identity for a lot of women .

even if they don’t adopt the more hardcore stances on it their perspective has been forever changed mainly through social media which then translates to what women talk about amongst themselves and to men . This atmosphere of “ mistrust “ of men is very real I have seen it personally not only with myself but many others . It has made waves through professional life as well where men can’t have normal business meetings with sole women unless there is a witness present to prevent sexual harassment lawsuits . Telling a woman she is beautiful would have been flattering to her 20 years ago yet today it is sexual harassment 

I was a kid in the 80,s when kids were free to trick or treat alone lord of the flies style yet today is unheard of because of all the predators out there ready to abduct your child at any moment .

im saying the world is a different place now 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

The world is a different place.  

At work, the focus needs to be on work.  At work I don't want compliments from anybody about my physical appearance.  I want to do my job.  If you wouldn't say it to a man, there is no need to say it to a woman.  Do you go around telling your buddies they look nice or that you like their outfits?  Do you notice  & comment on some guy's hairstyle?  Probably not so why do you get to cross that boundary with a woman?  

[Bokor]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The world is a different place.  

At work, the focus needs to be on work.  At work I don't want compliments from anybody about my physical appearance.  I want to do my job.  If you wouldn't say it to a man, there is no need to say it to a woman.  Do you go around telling your buddies they look nice or that you like their outfits?  Do you notice  & comment on some guy's hairstyle?  Probably not so why do you get to cross that boundary with a woman?  

Good point on the workplace however in personal life, how do you let a woman know you like her without sexually harassing her? 
I guess if it’s internet dating they can respond to your ad without getting sexually harassed first?

[d0nnivain]

In a social situation you smile, make small talk & work up to asking her on a date. There is no need to make an announcement.  

[Bokor]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The world is a different place.  

At work, the focus needs to be on work.  At work I don't want compliments from anybody about my physical appearance.  I want to do my job.  If you wouldn't say it to a man, there is no need to say it to a woman.  Do you go around telling your buddies they look nice or that you like their outfits?  Do you notice  & comment on some guy's hairstyle?  Probably not so why do you get to cross that boundary with a woman?  

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

In a social situation you smile, make small talk & work up to asking her on a date. There is no need to make an announcement.  

 

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

In a social situation you smile, make small talk & work up to asking her on a date. There is no need to make an announcement.  

The workplace statement makes sense partially . Work does need to get done efficiently yet human expression does and should make the workplace a more diverse experience like joking for example I think is healthy in the workplace no it doesn’t help the job get done but helps the state of mind of the people working there to have a little fun instead of acting like a robot the whole time . Attraction dynamics as well as flirting I think “ should “ be a healthy thing as well in moderation if you are flirting with someone and they are not receptive then no it’s no appropriate to flirt with them anymore based on their boundaries I’m saying moderate socializing while adhering to protocols and priorities would make the workplace not so boring yet flirting is not acceptable in the workplace by that logic joking should not be aloud either . Yet it is at least for now 

[Bokor]

4 minutes ago, Bokor said:

 

Why does flirting have to be the horrible traumatizing event? Perfectly natural that men are attracted to women and feel a need to express that so women could look at it as being cute or come back with a clever counter flirt make it a positive interaction yet it always has to go to the default I’m being psychologically assaulted drama?

[Bokor]

1 minute ago, Bokor said:

Why does flirting have to be the horrible traumatizing event? Perfectly natural that men are attracted to women and feel a need to express that so women could look at it as being cute or come back with a clever counter flirt make it a positive interaction yet it always has to go to the default I’m being psychologically assaulted drama?

She could simply say “ I’m not interested but thanks for playing” then if he keeps pestering her she can then call a lawyer

[Woggle]

Just live your life and if a woman gives any hint of having that kind of attitude towards men next her. I have a friend who outright walked out on a date when a woman went a gender war rant and that is the mentality you need to have. Don't worry about offending because they were already offended by your existence. 

 You wouldn't know it from looking at twitter and tik tok but most women do not have that mentality. A very small percentage of people even use twitter and an even smaller percentage tweet about politics. Their numbers are not as big as they make themselves out to be. They just shout louder.

[Pumpernickel]

8 minutes ago, Bokor said:

She could simply say “ I’m not interested but thanks for playing” then if he keeps pestering her she can then call a lawyer

In the workplace? I mean, that would make for an awkward work environment. I would never say that to a coworker. Makes the situation even worse. You're basically putting him on the spot for doing something inappropriate, and embarrassing him, a person whom you have to see every day at the office. No thanks. Makes for a hostile work environment. Just keep the flirting to yourself at work. 

 

[lana-banana]

3 hours ago, Bokor said:

the current criminalization mentality when it comes to men having a sex drive

Uhh, nobody is criminalizing men having a sex drive. People are "criminalizing" actual crime, like sexual assault. Hope that helps!

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, Bokor said:

elling a woman she is beautiful would have been flattering to her 20 years ago yet today it is sexual harassment 

Most women still like this, not in a workplace setting obviously,

You need to have built some form of rapport with her first, make her feel comfortable in conversation with you, otherwise they would see it as creepy.

Perhaps you are overanxious for the physical stuff if you havent had any in a while,

If the woman likes you, chances are she will take the lead in turning the relationship more sexual,

Id say forget about looking for sex for the time being, just be happy with making a female friend or two and if your lucky things will progress.

 

 

[Pumpernickel]

4 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Perhaps you are overanxious for the physical stuff if you havent had any in a while,

 

This. 👆 The more we whine about something, the worse it's going to get. 

 

5 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Id say forget about looking for sex for the time being, just be happy with making a female friend or two and if your lucky things will progress.

 

Good advice. Don't force it. (Obviously, this requires a solid social circle, which is something that not everybody has, especially these days.) 
 

[Bokor]

Maybe I’ll just get castrated and call it a day 

[d0nnivain]

That's not a solution.  Making yourself a eunuch will not solve your problem.  Humans are pack animals.  castrating yourself will not cure your loneliness. 

Try being more patient & understanding.  That should get you the companion you seek.  If you don't make it all about sex you will get sex.  Who knows you may even find somebody to make love with, which is far more fulfilling long term.  

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, Bokor said:

It has made waves through professional life as well where men can’t have normal business meetings with sole women unless there is a witness present to prevent sexual harassment lawsuits . Telling a woman she is beautiful would have been flattering to her 20 years ago yet today it is sexual harassment 

Don't go there at work or while you are working or with a client while working or not. Work is work, keep it professional and keep your trap shut unless you really need to open it (use emails for communication they are legal most places). Sexual harassments are hard to disprove once the allegation has been lodged.

A few years ago at my work: A young woman about half my age had mechanical problems with the equipment she was operating, I offered her a ride to where her team was working, as it was going to be hours before the repair was to be completed. She loudly rejected my sexual advance toward her so everyone around could hear. There was no sexual advance toward her, but by loudly rejecting one she was trying to elevate her status... I consider myself very lucky to have escaped that without major problems.... Now, with all women at work: Only speak when spoken to and keep it to "yes and no". With "small talk", I just turn and walk away. I would rather be rude than to be dragged though hell by HR on sexual harassment charges. #1 Always Protect Yourself.

[Uruktopi]

5 hours ago, Bokor said:

how do you let a woman know you like her without sexually harassing her? 

Hummmmmm, let me think.

How about saying you like her  without sexually harassing her? 

[Interstellar]

6 hours ago, Bokor said:

Good point on the workplace however in personal life, how do you let a woman know you like her without sexually harassing her? 
I guess if it’s internet dating they can respond to your ad without getting sexually harassed first?

Talk to the other girls instead, the ones you’re not interested in and make conversation and make them laugh instead. Just keep it clean, and be aware of your company’s policy.  

If you have a Bokor mini fan club at your job then eventually, the girl you’re interested in will start to notice and wonder about you.

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by Interstellar

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, Bokor said:

Maybe I’ll just get castrated and call it a day 

The vast majority of men are dating, having sex, entering relationships, getting married etc. But sure castration seems like a viable option too.

[vwisme]

Man, I'm so sorry for whatever happened that brought you to this place. 

I think you need to figure out what's bringing on your mindset. It's not healthy whatsoever and would be detrimental no matter what gender. 

I've met both men and women who hold negative views towards the dating scene and they definitely have horrible dating lives. And it wasn't because people weren't initially interested. It's just their attitude was so off putting. I've met woman that hold similar views and I've gone from interested to "time to run".

Lack of responsibility/ownership and negativity isn't attractive. Figure out what you are doing/not doing that causing women to be repelled by you.

The dating scene is literally better than ever. And that's from first hand experience.