Paternity of my son

[Robert2016]

Any of the DNA services could do the DNA testing.  For example, 23&ME ($199 per person),  Ancestry DNA ($99 per person), and My Heritage DNA  ($59 per person).

People use these services all the time to identify their past relatives and where their ancestors came from.  It's a popular hobby as well. 

Therefore, you don't have to reveal your suspicions. 

You just spit into a test tube and mail it back to the company in a box with prepaid postage.

 

[SRCSRC]

I had wondered for quite some time if I was my son's biological father.  It kept eating at me.  I finally asked him to submit a sample of his spit to Ancestry DNA.  He didn't really ask why, but I think he knew my motivation.  Late Father's Day evening this past year he sent me a screen shot of the first page of his results which showed that I was the father.  How ironic that he got his results just before the end of Father's Day.  He was happy and, obviously, so was I.  I just had to know.  It became an obsession.  We have not talked about it since.  I hope that you have a similar happy ending.   

Edited October 3, 2021 by SRCSRC

[Easter Bunny]

The easiest way to do this is tell your son you want to do a 23 and me test to find out about your ancestry. ask if he would want to do one as well since he has half of his mother's genes, and his will be different than yours. if he says yes, when you do the tests it will show if you share DNA. this is a sneaky way for you to find out the truth, as well as if he is not your biological son he will see it as well. his eyes will be on his mother, and she will have some answering to do. 

just make sure either way you don't change how you treat him. it isn't his fault any of this is going on. 

[vla1120]

I think the question should be less about whether your son is biologically yours - he IS your son. You raised him and a DNA test will not improve any part of that situation, but it definitely could greatly worsen your relationship with your son.

The bigger question is about how much more of your life you want to sacrifice to a person with NPD. I lived with a diagnosed NPD for six years, so I am well-versed in the behavior and the adverse affect that has on the family. It seems to me, regardless of what a DNA would or would not prove, you should decide whether you want to continue to live with an NPD. It's exhausting, degrading, stressful, and I only did it for 6 years!

[Landgaber]

20 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I think the question should be less about whether your son is biologically yours - he IS your son. You raised him and a DNA test will not improve any part of that situation, but it definitely could greatly worsen your relationship with your son.

The bigger question is about how much more of your life you want to sacrifice to a person with NPD. I lived with a diagnosed NPD for six years, so I am well-versed in the behavior and the adverse affect that has on the family. It seems to me, regardless of what a DNA would or would not prove, you should decide whether you want to continue to live with an NPD. It's exhausting, degrading, stressful, and I only did it for 6 years!

Many thanks for your comments.  It carries much weight for me considering the NPD component that you can speak to.  I would be interested in more of your thoughts relative to the NPD.  It is very exhausting, degrading and stressful, and is clearly a secondary issue connected to this union that needs resolve.  Many thanks again

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Landgaber said:

Many thanks for your comments.  It carries much weight for me considering the NPD component that you can speak to.  I would be interested in more of your thoughts relative to the NPD.  It is very exhausting, degrading and stressful, and is clearly a secondary issue connected to this union that needs resolve.  Many thanks again

I often hear people toss around the word "narcissist". You don't know what a narcissist is until you've truly lived with one who has been diagnosed. The occasional self-centeredness that most of us exhibit at one time or another does NOT constitute the label of narcissist!

I met my second husband in February 2014. He had stage III cancer at the time with no health insurance. We rushed into marriage (in October 2014) so that he would have health insurance. He was very charming and personable in the beginning. Once we were married, things started to change. He tried to isolate me from my (grown) daughters and friends. He was very controlling. He had to have the best of everything. One time he spent about $1,200 on a sound system. Some time later, we were walking through a store and they had those cheap stretchy gloves on sale, two sets for a dollar. I put them in our basket and he told me I didn't need them. If my hands were cold, I could wear gardening gloves to work. 

Any time something went wrong he was never to blame. It was always my fault or someone else's fault. We started marriage counseling in January 2015. I specifically selected a male therapist because I thought he would be more receptive to a male perspective. When the male therapist pointed out that he was controlling and emotionally abusive, he claimed the male therapist was trying to break up our marriage. I found another therapist, this time she was female, but she came from a very conservative background like him. I'm as liberal and independent as they come. I was hoping she might connect with him. After a few sessions, she suspected he had NPD and referred him to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. The psychiatrist gave him a test or a form to fill out and shared it with our therapist.  He apparently matched every single symptom and behavior. She told me that personality disorders could not be medicated. Therapy could have perhaps helped, but since an NPD does not believe there is anything wrong with them (and he definitely fell in that category), therapy was not often beneficial.

My option was to leave or to learn how to properly react to his behaviors to minimize the trauma. Though I physically left him because I could no longer live under the same roof, I stayed involved to the very end. I moved back in with him the January before COVID. He went on hospice care in April and passed in June. Before I moved back in with him, I set the ground rules. He had no choice because if I left, he would have died alone, which was his greatest fear.  In my case, sadly for him, I knew there would be an end to the situation. I could not imagine spending my life with a narcissist with no end in sight. 

 

[Landgaber]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I often hear people toss around the word "narcissist". You don't know what a narcissist is until you've truly lived with one who has been diagnosed. The occasional self-centeredness that most of us exhibit at one time or another does NOT constitute the label of narcissist!

I met my second husband in February 2014. He had stage III cancer at the time with no health insurance. We rushed into marriage (in October 2014) so that he would have health insurance. He was very charming and personable in the beginning. Once we were married, things started to change. He tried to isolate me from my (grown) daughters and friends. He was very controlling. He had to have the best of everything. One time he spent about $1,200 on a sound system. Some time later, we were walking through a store and they had those cheap stretchy gloves on sale, two sets for a dollar. I put them in our basket and he told me I didn't need them. If my hands were cold, I could wear gardening gloves to work. 

Any time something went wrong he was never to blame. It was always my fault or someone else's fault. We started marriage counseling in January 2015. I specifically selected a male therapist because I thought he would be more receptive to a male perspective. When the male therapist pointed out that he was controlling and emotionally abusive, he claimed the male therapist was trying to break up our marriage. I found another therapist, this time she was female, but she came from a very conservative background like him. I'm as liberal and independent as they come. I was hoping she might connect with him. After a few sessions, she suspected he had NPD and referred him to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. The psychiatrist gave him a test or a form to fill out and shared it with our therapist.  He apparently matched every single symptom and behavior. She told me that personality disorders could not be medicated. Therapy could have perhaps helped, but since an NPD does not believe there is anything wrong with them (and he definitely fell in that category), therapy was not often beneficial.

My option was to leave or to learn how to properly react to his behaviors to minimize the trauma. Though I physically left him because I could no longer live under the same roof, I stayed involved to the very end. I moved back in with him the January before COVID. He went on hospice care in April and passed in June. Before I moved back in with him, I set the ground rules. He had no choice because if I left, he would have died alone, which was his greatest fear.  In my case, sadly for him, I knew there would be an end to the situation. I could not imagine spending my life with a narcissist with no end in sight. 

 

Wow, that is some story.  I'm so sorry about all that has happened.  I hope he rests in peace, and that you live in peace.

My wife and I tried marriage counseling, but only once.  My experience was that when we talked with our counselor,  the stipulations described by her was no where near the truth.  I was blown away by the mass fabrications, the deflection,  and victim routine I witnessed.  I vowed to never go back as a couple.  At the time I had no idea what possibly could be wrong with her.  Nonetheless, since them she tells me daily that I have mental illness, that she is always sticking up for me with our friends and families, etc   I have been isolated from my ow  friends as well as they are trash,  so whenever I spent time with them, I would spend days answering accusations and accounting for money spent....to the point that it was less embarrassing and easier to avoid being with them.  With my mother, she caused to major fights that resulted in a total of 8 lost years where we didn't talk (with my parents).

The NPD abuse is daily and wicked.  Recently however, the Narcisist traits, I think, have caught up to her. Her arrogance resulted in several signs...things have been revealed, uncovered and since there is no remorse, the situation is deflected back upon me.  The ferocity to which she has become aggressive is attributed to my question about my son....the signs were and are there, therefore her reaction has me reeling.

I thank you for sharing.  As a CPTSD victim, there always seems to be little hope.  Strength and confidence is always in question.  Thank you again

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I think the issue is your marriage. You and your wife need to have a real talk about this. 

Couples counseling would be perfect for you guys. I recommend couples counseling highly.

So what bothers you more: the cheating? or the possibility that  your son is not your biological son?

I assume you're right: that your wife's reaction reveals that you are not the father. And you admit that the resemblance is striking between your son and this previous lover of your wife. Others here make the good point: so what? What does this knowledge do? That's why I think you need a plan to handle the fallout. Sounds like you want to know for sure. But also sounds like you sensed there was cheating with this other guy even if your son is indeed your biological son.

I will tell you this: if you keep going on this, it's likely the kid will figure out something is up. Hints slip out. And body language can be revealing. A woman I know got told on her mother's death bed that her father "wasn't her father." She had intuitively sensed she was different from her sisters and she felt blindsided by this revelation, and once her mother told her, then this woman remembered a bunch of aunts hinting at this. 

As I understand things, it may well be to the kid's advantage to learn this info eventually. Because if there is any chance he learns it, then he will feel betrayed--by you guys not telling him. This situation has some things in common with adoption. Most adoptees want to know something about their biological parents and many want to meet them. 

Here's the thing: your relationship with your son won't change, with the reveal or not. It really won't. 

The complexity of this situation and the sprawling implications are why I think you need to consult some really wise people. Like a totally excellent counselor. Maybe it's just you consulting the counselor. Or it's you and your wife going to a counselor. Or it's both: you consult someone for your own clarity of thinking and you go to marriage counseling.  In any case, you need to talk to some really smart people to understand what you're getting into. Family court judges would have a ton of wisdom on situations like this and maybe family lawyers. These folks would have seen situations like this and they know the advantages and disadvantages of whatever path you might take. And you need to decide if you can forgive your wife and whether this is a marriage breaker.

I don't think holding your nose and staying in the marriage--if you are unhappy with it because of this possible revelation or because of other things--is the answer. Not these days. That doesn't seem to work these days and it sets a terrible example for children because they pick up on the odd energy and go on to imitate it in their own relationships later in life. So the choice is to work through things with your wife or leave. The stoic self-sacrificing thing doesn't really work. And your son will pick up on the weird energy between you and your wife. And one day someone will tell him he doesn't look much like you and he might get to thinking and reaching his own conclusions. 

Good luck. Sorry you're in this tormenting situation. 

[Indigo Night]

I have family genetic traits that put me at high r risk for rare cancer. For that reason, I do think that it is important to know the truth about DNA,, because it may help medically down the road.

With that says, genetics don't make you a father. Being the man who raised your son does. He is old enough to sit down and talk to about what is going on. It's a real possibility he has noticed that he looks like the other man, and has questions. It might be time to treat him like the adult that he is, and let him know that no matter what you will always be his dad, but a DNA test might be in everyone's best interest. If he says no, then you will have to honor his choice. If he says yes, prepare for the worst and how for the best.

Your wife can't do anything other than divorce you. She can't put you in jail or a mental hospital unless you do something crazy when you find out the results. Don't! Your son has always loved you, and THAT is all that truly matters. Of course she doesn't want anyone to know she's been lying for 19 years. This isn't about her though. It's about you and your son.

Talk to someone you can trust, and see what their thoughts are. Spending the rest of your life not knowing will slowly eat at you, unless you're the type who can just drop it, and accept things the way they are. I get the impression that you're not, based on your post.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

She knows. It seems like if she knew the boy was yours she would be happy about a dna test.

since she’s defensive and aggressive - it makes her look like the OM is the father genetically.

I agree that an unfaithful woman will be defensive and aggressive.   But I don't think a faithful woman would be "happy" to have a DNA test.  Rather, I think a faithful woman will be absolutely furious at being asked to prove her integrity.  And after the DNA is proven to be the husbands, what does she do now that she knows that her husband had such mistrust in her?  Where does she even begin to find the forgiveness to get over this?   Will she even want to forgive?

My point is that it may be difficult to tell apart the defensive-aggressive response of a cheating partner from the fury of a faithful partner.