What would you do?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

I've  been through infidelity

Sorry this happened. Try to move past that.

As far as people socializing at parties, at most it's a bit rude to the others for your Bf and your friend to exclude others in conversations, but try not to let insecurities or jealousies continue to dictate your life.

Start to phase these friends (her and her husband ) out of they are rude at your parties.

[FMW]

Update:  Last night we discussed the situation.  He was asking me about something that I would have had to purposely avoid the topic or tell him how I felt about her.  I chose to tell him.

He seemed genuinely surprised, and said he had never thought about how she acted with him in that way, but also admitted he was sometimes clueless about what was going on in his world.

He said she really liked me and had repeatedly told him how glad she was that we were together.  I told him I wasn't feeling that.  He said she could be harsh and hard-edged, and even catty.  He said I was none of those things and that might be the disconnect.

I told him this was a me thing, not something I expected him to do anything about.  But I told him I felt she purposely said and did things to put me on the side and that resulted in me not wanting to be around her, and sometimes not too happy about him either.

I stressed that I was glad they had been there for him and still were, that my issue was how her actions and words made me feel, or more to the point how I allowed her to make me feel.

He said "it's not that deep, they're ( she and her husband) just friends".  I think I've given them more importance than was merited.

Baggage (mine) from the past sometimes comes into play.

Going forward I'm going to work at not letting her get to me, but also not letting her isolate him from the rest of us.  It happens every single time we're with them, there is no need for  repeated private conversations that exclude everyone else.

Thanks for all the responses.

 

 

[Classicfiction]

On 9/27/2021 at 11:28 AM, FMW said:

Update:  Last night we discussed the situation.  He was asking me about something that I would have had to purposely avoid the topic or tell him how I felt about her.  I chose to tell him.

He seemed genuinely surprised, and said he had never thought about how she acted with him in that way, but also admitted he was sometimes clueless about what was going on in his world.

He said she really liked me and had repeatedly told him how glad she was that we were together.  I told him I wasn't feeling that.  He said she could be harsh and hard-edged, and even catty.  He said I was none of those things and that might be the disconnect.

I told him this was a me thing, not something I expected him to do anything about.  But I told him I felt she purposely said and did things to put me on the side and that resulted in me not wanting to be around her, and sometimes not too happy about him either.

I stressed that I was glad they had been there for him and still were, that my issue was how her actions and words made me feel, or more to the point how I allowed her to make me feel.

He said "it's not that deep, they're ( she and her husband) just friends".  I think I've given them more importance than was merited.

Baggage (mine) from the past sometimes comes into play.

Going forward I'm going to work at not letting her get to me, but also not letting her isolate him from the rest of us.  It happens every single time we're with them, there is no need for  repeated private conversations that exclude everyone else.

Thanks for all the responses.

 

 

It happens every time you hang out with them as a group?  Girl, I think that's an issue.  It sounds like your boyfriend just glossed over your concern.  Why didn't he offer to change this behavior??

Unfortunately, this happens a lot.  For whatever reason, people who are unhappy get a thrill out of cheating right under the noses of their partners.

This woman is annoying.  I've experienced this situation before and honestly, I don't understand why there are so many of these types of women with absolutely zero boundaries and who need to claim other women's significant others.  Just ANNOYING!

I guess for the most part, you have to accept that your partner is going to at least emotionally cheat with another woman.  Apparently it's what you have to do in order to maintain a long term relationship.  Women keep marriages going by turning the other cheek.  I'm sure people don't want to admit or face this reality, but I've never seen a marriage or relationship where the woman wasn't accepting some kind of cheating on behalf of her partner.

The question for you is, are you comfortable with her being the emotional  affair (at the very least) partner for your boyfriend?

Here is my advice: The next time they do this, go sit next to her husband and strike up a conversation about great vacation spots.  Tell him you're planning a surprise for your bf and ask his opinion.  Pull up pictures on your phone so you have to lean in close to show him.  Be in that position when they come back.  Do that every time they step away from the group.

Some people need to be shown their bad behavior.  They need to see the same thing acted out in front of them to understand that they're behaving inappropriately.  

[FMW]

Thanks for your response.  I disagree that he's cheating or that he glossed over my concerns.  He didn't make me feel wrong for my feelings, he just didn't see it the same way, but acknowledged he can be clueless.  

If I ever think he's cheating I won't stick around.  I've been through that before in my former marriage.

He's a very popular musician in our area of the country.  Women come up and flirt with him all the time, right in front of me, sometimes pretty outrageously. 

I trust him. 

I just don't like the way this particular friend acts with him.  It has more to do with me feeling like she's disrespecting me than anything else.  She's not just some random fan I can easily ignore.

[d0nnivain]

FMW

I am so glad you finally talked to him.  IMO him acknowledging that he's clueless is huge.  Now that he knows what's he's looking at, it should be easier for him to curtail the behaviors you don't like.   Hopefully this solves the problem  

[elaine567]

How can a musician who is used to flirting and batting off women right left and centre be "clueless"?

[Classicfiction]

@FMW, if you are comfortable with his response, then there isn't really anything to complain about.  You're saying he is flirted with all the time, she's one of the women flirting with him.  I could be wrong, but as @elaine567 said, if he's used to receiving that kind of attention and it happens all the time, it's pretty hard to imagine that he's actually clueless.

My ex used to say "I'm just a dumb male" in response to this same stuff.  Well he wasn't and isn't dumb or clueless and was in fact carrying on an affair.  

Honestly the whole poor clueless man thing is largely a front.  I'm sorry but men all over the world claim to be clueless when it come to women flirting with them.  It's a very common response to women picking up on the presence of another woman.  If he's so clueless, then how did YOUR relationship begin?  He must have been able to understand that you were flirting with him.

On the flip side, you're going to have to pick and choose your battles and if you're comfortable with how he behaves in receiving flirtations, then that may just be the norm for your particular relationship.  God knows every woman involved with a man has to put up with some bs at different points in the relationship.  If women didn't tolerate some of it, there would be no long term relationships.

[FMW]

He really can be clueless, I see it in action.  But I understand the skepticism. 

I appreciate all the responses, including those I don't think apply in this particular case.

I'm not naive or blind to cheating, but I truly don't see that as the issue here.  That hasn't been my worry from the beginning.  Thinking through all the responses makes me feel more confident of that, not less.

[NorthernGuard]

I went through something similar with a lifelong, dear and very close male friend of mine. We've been best friends since early childhood and are like brother and sister. I'd been happily married for 20 yrs at the time and was no threat to her whatsoever (my hubby is also good friends with my buddy). He was in a newish relationship with this woman and loved her and had moved in with her. She appeared fine with our friendship until they took that next step and cohabitated.

It quickly became apparent to me that she was very insecure and jealous of our friendship (and believe me there was none of the stuff you say this woman is doing, going on. Not even remotely close). Of course, it saddened me immensely cause I liked her and and thought she was good for my friend and was happy for them both and wanted to be friends with her too. But it wasn't to be.

You know what happened? He and I talked and although it pained me to do so I told him I was gonna back off and distance myself from them as I didn't ever want to come between them and their new found happiness (He, like your SO was kinda clueless and didn't think it would be a serious problem, but I sensed it was and knew better).

I hoped that she would eventually see that I was no threat to her and would come around and give me a chance to be their friend but it never happened. Turned out she had serious control and jealousy issues that bled into every aspect of their relationship (she was even jealous of his young children he had with his ex wife and tried to drive a wedge between them).

They ended up splitting within a couple years because of the friction she created with his kids (and we eventually renewed our friendship and are as close as ever). Didn't matter though. I did what I felt was right for my friend and the woman he loved at the time and to this day still feel I did the right thing. 

That's what a true friend who only wants happiness for their friend does. IMO, if this woman isn't reflecting on the damage she may be causing her friend's relationship, intentionally or not, and thinking upon the same lines, she's no friend of your relationship and never will be. Watch out!

[smackie9]

IMO running into the house to have a secret conversation is rude, with a man or woman. The person that's clueless with their manners is her. Any comment to her can't come from you or your husband but it should come from her husband or another friend. Maybe get an outsider's opinion that witnessed these incidents and set the wheels in motion.

[elaine567]

59 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

. Maybe get an outsider's opinion that witnessed these incidents ...

On 9/20/2021 at 3:54 PM, FMW said:

Others have made comments about how she acts with him.  I used to think I was being overly sensitive, but I really don't think I am.  I also have reason to believe her husband is not so ok with it from something he said to someone else.  My guy also mentioned the husband acted "mad" at him about something that night about something but he wasn't sure why.

 

[Easter Bunny]

Well it seems like one thing has not been done which is on you. you haven't created any boundaries. 

I would get both of them together and tell them you need to ask them to hear you out. tell them you understand there is a bond between them, as they are good friends that confide in each other. that you have no interest in getting in the way of that. that you are happy they were able to bond in such a way because it is a rare thing. (the qualifying statements) then set your boundaries. let them know that their time together conversing shouldn't impede on your time with him. they need to set times up for this when it won't interfere with your time with him. let them know that when they do this it makes you feel like the odd man out. that their friendship can have a negative affect on you if it isn't carried out with tact. Just think about how this can affect me before you do anything. if you two need to go talk things over at the local coffee shop I'm all for it. If i am here and spending time with him, I really don't want my time to be playing second fiddle. 

if she or he says anything to the contrary simply tell them, my feelings are valid and if you choose to ignore them it is because you don't respect them. I respect yours and would hope to be treated with the same level of respect. there is very little they could say that wouldn't make them look like selfish a**h***s. it will also show you her true colors. 

you have a right to speak up and defend your position. it isn't unreasonable to set rules in an unconventional situation. if you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. If you don't set boundaries nothing will change and you will begin to resent both of them. it has already begun. 

 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, Easter Bunny said:

Well it seems like one thing has not been done which is on you. you haven't created any boundaries. 

I would get both of them together and tell them you need to ask them to hear you out. tell them you understand there is a bond between them, as they are good friends that confide in each other. that you have no interest in getting in the way of that. that you are happy they were able to bond in such a way because it is a rare thing. (the qualifying statements) then set your boundaries. let them know that their time together conversing shouldn't impede on your time with him. they need to set times up for this when it won't interfere with your time with him. let them know that when they do this it makes you feel like the odd man out. that their friendship can have a negative affect on you if it isn't carried out with tact. Just think about how this can affect me before you do anything. if you two need to go talk things over at the local coffee shop I'm all for it. If i am here and spending time with him, I really don't want my time to be playing second fiddle. 

if she or he says anything to the contrary simply tell them, my feelings are valid and if you choose to ignore them it is because you don't respect them. I respect yours and would hope to be treated with the same level of respect. there is very little they could say that wouldn't make them look like selfish a**h***s. it will also show you her true colors. 

you have a right to speak up and defend your position. it isn't unreasonable to set rules in an unconventional situation. if you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. If you don't set boundaries nothing will change and you will begin to resent both of them. it has already begun. 

 

This all sounds great except very few people have the courage to be this honest.  They'd rather deal with it in an underhanded way.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/5/2021 at 9:01 AM, FMW said:

I just don't like the way this particular friend acts with him.  It has more to do with me feeling like she's disrespecting me than anything else.  She's not just some random fan I can easily ignore.

Agree, it's not cheating or any concern for that. You've spoken to him about it so just stop inviting this couple over if she/they are rude. It's really about rudeness to be in your home and retreat to their own private little party.  A grand speech would be met with denial and of course be turned back on you. Skip that and stop inviting rude people into your home. It's that simple.

[Easter Bunny]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This all sounds great except very few people have the courage to be this honest.  They'd rather deal with it in an underhanded way.

well, this needs to change. what is the worst that can happen? anything that happens we can handle. we are resilient. life is too short to live it in fear or worry. when you don't do things out of fear then you are not living your life...fear is. there is a time for even women to "man up".

[glows]

Not having him over is not a unilateral or individual decision from you however. It's a positive thing that you were able to talk about it with him. Now he knows the way you feel and both of you can come to a decision of whether or not to have her and her partner over. Do not create drama by including the third party in the conversation. This is absurd and none of their business at that point. Both your partner and you should come to the decision. 

Judging from FMW's posts, she's not one to overreact and neither do I think this warrants a meeting of the three.

[FMW]

Thanks for the additional responses.  All have been helpful in helping me to think things through clearly.

I don't plan on bringing it up with her at all.  I brought it up with him and don't plan on mentioning it again.Doing either would only make me look jealous and/or controlling.  

He knows how I feel now and has no reason to not be aware the next time she tries to do it.  I won't be passive about her maneuvers going forward.  

We've been with them once since the occasion I wrote about.  My guy's band was playing at a charity benefit and they attended.  She wasn't able to say more than a quick hello to him, but came over to me while I was selling raffle tickets.  She asked me how his recent (routine) doctor appointment had gone.  I avoided the question when someone came up to me to buy tickets and I told her she would need to ask him.  I told him about it later and his immediate response was that she was too nosy and he shouldn't have mentioned it in passing to her and her husband in the first place.

He needed the support they offered during the end stages of his wife's illness and her death. I think the female friend wants to maintain the same intensity of connectedness they had during that difficult period.  I think my guy now realizes he needs to be more cognizant of boundaries going forward.

[glows]

21 minutes ago, FMW said:

Thanks for the additional responses.  All have been helpful in helping me to think things through clearly.

I don't plan on bringing it up with her at all.  I brought it up with him and don't plan on mentioning it again.Doing either would only make me look jealous and/or controlling.  

He knows how I feel now and has no reason to not be aware the next time she tries to do it.  I won't be passive about her maneuvers going forward.  

We've been with them once since the occasion I wrote about.  My guy's band was playing at a charity benefit and they attended.  She wasn't able to say more than a quick hello to him, but came over to me while I was selling raffle tickets.  She asked me how his recent (routine) doctor appointment had gone.  I avoided the question when someone came up to me to buy tickets and I told her she would need to ask him.  I told him about it later and his immediate response was that she was too nosy and he shouldn't have mentioned it in passing to her and her husband in the first place.

He needed the support they offered during the end stages of his wife's illness and her death. I think the female friend wants to maintain the same intensity of connectedness they had during that difficult period.  I think my guy now realizes he needs to be more cognizant of boundaries going forward.

Great to hear. Both of you are on the same page it seems. 

[Caauug]

On 9/20/2021 at 11:30 PM, FMW said:

Just to note, we're not married nor do we live together (I have no desire for either),

So your R with your BF has matured as far as it ever will?