GF and guy friend. I'm really at a loss.

[R0t0]

We have been together for almost a year. I live in Spain and she lives in France (but she's Taiwanese). We usually see each other every two months, for 10 days. We talk every day. I met her about two years ago, on a university exchange, I met her in France. She studied French language in her country. Now she is doing a master's degree.

It was amazing. The money she had to spend to come to see me. The time she spent to make me a booklet FULL of notes, drawings... about us. Awesome.

Sometimes, in our calls, she'd mention things that made me a bit uncomfortable, remembering things of a summer camp she'd spend some summers, saying that guys there were quite pervert, all this laughing. She also had a BF before. From the very first serious date we met, she asked me if I was a virgin; she said she was as well. Why mentioning this sort of things? To try to"impress" me? Well, I don't know.

In February, he was abused by a classmate. Days before, she started a language exchange with a Frenchman. He was totally transparent about it. At first, I was fine with it, but there was a point when she started mentioning it a lot: that she wanted us both to meet, that he was like her big brother....

Well, in June I had a visit to France planned. Days before going, I noticed she was very strange. It is true that during those weeks in May, she felt quite sorry because she remembered what that partner did to her, added to the confinement due to the coronavirus.... Three days before, as I said, she barely answered my messages, in a very dry way.

When I finally arrived, thirty minutes after being in her apartment, she told me that she had not spent the last three nights there, but that she had been at this friend's house with her parents because she felt that she was not herself, because she was very sad, etc. It felt like a stab in the chest to me. Imagine: they let you know that half an hour after arriving, with all the illusion of spending 18 days with the bride. What made me sick inside was that she didn't inform me that she felt bad enough to seek comfort from another man.

She laughed as she revealed the news to me and then told me that she had been talking to friends and this guy himself to see how she could tell me so I wouldn't feel bad. She told me that he was just a friend, nothing romantic, and that she was with his parents most of the time, plus after work, the guy was off to see his ex-girlfriend. That laugh killed me. I knew before getting here something was a bit weird and while telling me, she laughs...
During that vacation, this guy invited us both to watch a game at his apartment, but I didn't want to go. Was I right not to go? Is it a good sign that the guy invited me too? The truth is that I had 0 desire; it seemed to me a very violent situation.

We had, as I explained, a few conversations on this subject. She always ends up crying because she thinks I'll never forget about staying at that guy's house without telling me.

I try to forget about it and move on, but I find it very difficult when I know that she is still talking to that friend (even though he is on another continent right now). What's more, once, while she was at my house (so she could meet my parents and where I live; this happened three weeks ago), she went to wash a garment and left her cell phone unlocked. Well, there I picked it up, went straight to WhatsApp and, indeed, the chat did not appear; I had it in archived conversations. I went in and saw that they wanted to call each other once my girlfriend returned to France -where she studies and lives-, I also saw that they were sending each other hearts. Apart from that, I saw little else because I wasn't there for two minutes: only three or four seconds. That same night, she asked me if something was wrong. I seemed a bit distant, she said.

Here I have to say something, and that is that the lawyer who helps her with the abuse case is a friend of this guy. She does it for free.

Of course, I can't tell her to stop talking to him, but it bothers me a lot because she thinks I don't know she's still talking to him.

Obviously, I know it was wrong of me to do this.

I am sure he cares about me and loves me. She is taking Spanish classes so she can communicate better with my family (she was invited to come for Christmas), she reads news and articles about my country... but this whole thing kills me inside. She told me she was going to cut communication a bit, and yes, the guy is on the other side of the world, but it bothers me that they talk so much, send pictures to each other.... I don't think she knows that I know perfectly well that they are still talking.

Now this French guy is in China. The guy is about 28 years old, his parents have money (they live in a central area of Paris).

How can I handle this? I'm going to go see her in less than three weeks again. We've already talked about this three times and each time she's ended up crying. Since we started, she has reiterated to me that she is afraid of abandonment, that I will leave her without explanation, that she is emotionally dependent. I don't know what the hell to do. These days at my house have been great. My parents like the girl and she had a good time here too.

Our plan is to try to get together next year, as I'm finishing my degree. Very often she asks me if I love her, if I am serious, if I am ever going to leave her because I am going to get tired of her and her bad management of emotions, if her ex left her saying that she transmitted negative energy?

Talking to her makes me feel good. I have practically no real friends, I don't go out or anything, so she brings that to me. I know that if we broke up, I was going to have a f***ing hard time. On top of that, my mother reminded me when she saw that we hadn't talked or something. She said to me: "then you¡ll have a hard time not having barely anyone to talk to".

I must say she already hid things: for example, she didn't tell me sometimes she smokes so I won't delete, say, this image of good girl I have of her. She is a bit obsessed with getting along and not causing any problem (I suppose it's a cultural thing, too).

Now we talk every night and she's quite looking forward to meeting me in two weeks.

Greetings and thanks in advance for reading me.

Edited September 21, 2021 by R0t0

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, R0t0 said:

 she wanted us both to meet, that I was like her big brother....

Are you dating or just friends? 

[R0t0]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you dating or just friends? 

I wanted to write "he was like...". My bad.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, R0t0 said:

I wanted to write "he was like...". 

Ok. It's seems she doesn't want to be exclusive or tied down given how difficult LDRs generally are.

Step back and decide if the headaches and heartaches of LDRs in general are worth it and if this woman/situation is worth it in particular.

[R0t0]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. It's seems she doesn't want to be exclusive or tied down given how difficult LDRs generally are.

Step back and decide if the headaches and heartaches of LDRs in general are worth it and if this woman/situation is worth it in particular.

Even though she is willing to learn my language and all this things? Do you think that guy is really just a friend?

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, R0t0 said:

 Do you think that guy is really just a friend?

From your description he seems like more than a friend.

Learning languages is her field of study. It's not an indicator of anything.

[d0nnivain]

48 minutes ago, R0t0 said:

In February, he was abused by a classmate. Days before, she started a language exchange with a Frenchman. He was totally transparent about it. At first, I was fine with it, but there was a point when she started mentioning it a lot: that she wanted us both to meet, that he was like her big brother....

* * * 

When I finally arrived, thirty minutes after being in her apartment, she told me that she had not spent the last three nights there, but that she had been at this friend's house with her parents because she felt that she was not herself, because she was very sad, etc. .

I have practically no real friends, I don't go out or anything, so she brings that to me.

Your long distance GF was abused & has a FREE lawyer who is helping her but you resent the fact that she became friends with some guy who is also connected to the lawyer.   That doesn't seem fair.  Long distance relationships require huge amounts of trust.  Without that you shouldn't bother trying to have one.   There is always a risk that you will lose an LDR love to somebody in proximity to your sweetie.  What is your plan for closing the distance?  Where do you expect to live when schools over?  These international romances have inherent problems which sometimes cripple them.   That may be what is going on here.  The reality may be that the distance precludes happily ever after.  

You are getting your shorts in a twist because your GF spent time with this guy AND her PARENTS.  Doesn't sound very romantic to me.  Sounds like your GF needed emotional support which she got from her family.  How can you balk at that?  You have met the parents.  Presumably you were introduced as the BF.  People don't usually introduce their APs to the family, so you have to assume all is above board with this friend. 

The heart emojis you found when snooping on your GF's phone could represent platonic love.  One of my friend's husbands sends me heart emojis all the time.  He's a big bear of a guy who hugs & kisses everyone.  These emojis are not an indication that he wants to blow up his marriage or mine.  They are emojis, nothing more. 

You have this woman on a pedestal.  You value her "good girl" image & she knows it.  So she hides the parts of her that don't fit your construct, like her smoking.  The gap is further exacerbated because you don't have friends.  I suspect if you widen your social circle & stop burdening her as your only outlet, things will look clearer because you will have greater overall support & outlets.   

[R0t0]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your long distance GF was abused & has a FREE lawyer who is helping her but you resent the fact that she became friends with some guy who is also connected to the lawyer.   That doesn't seem fair.  Long distance relationships require huge amounts of trust.  Without that you shouldn't bother trying to have one.   There is always a risk that you will lose an LDR love to somebody in proximity to your sweetie.  What is your plan for closing the distance?  Where do you expect to live when schools over?  These international romances have inherent problems which sometimes cripple them.   That may be what is going on here.  The reality may be that the distance precludes happily ever after.  

You are getting your shorts in a twist because your GF spent time with this guy AND her PARENTS.  Doesn't sound very romantic to me.  Sounds like your GF needed emotional support which she got from her family.  How can you balk at that?  You have met the parents.  Presumably you were introduced as the BF.  People don't usually introduce their APs to the family, so you have to assume all is above board with this friend. 

The heart emojis you found when snooping on your GF's phone could represent platonic love.  One of my friend's husbands sends me heart emojis all the time.  He's a big bear of a guy who hugs & kisses everyone.  These emojis are not an indication that he wants to blow up his marriage or mine.  They are emojis, nothing more. 

You have this woman on a pedestal.  You value her "good girl" image & she knows it.  So she hides the parts of her that don't fit your construct, like her smoking.  The gap is further exacerbated because you don't have friends.  I suspect if you widen your social circle & stop burdening her as your only outlet, things will look clearer because you will have greater overall support & outlets.   

Yeah, sure I support her with the lawyer and all that, but her hiding the chat and hiding that she spent three nights at that house and not informing me about it until I got there bothers me, tbh. And of course, I don't doubt she does love me.

Our plan is that I go to France (I know French) and try to start a life there.

Do you think I will do good in going to see her within two weeks? Touching on this issue being psychical may be better?

Thank you for your comment.

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by R0t0

[d0nnivain]

Discussing this face to face is the best bet.  But honestly from what you posted here I doubt you have the diplomacy to pull this off.  You have her too high on a pedestal & you are going to go off on her because once you open this emotional door ALL of your insecurities are going to come bubbling out.  Your lack of friends & you pinning all of your social interaction & expectations on her is too much & it will topple from its own unsustainable weight. 

Talk to your mom before this meeting.  She seems to have a good handle on your situation & she knows things will get better for you once you get out of your own way. 

You absolutely can't attack your GF about this  You are her LDR BF, not her jailer.  She has no obligation to give you a play by play of every hour of her life or her movements.   You can talk about how learning things so long after they happened upsets you but you can't accuse her of things or act like you want to police her.  It's a fine line & I worry you will cross it.  

[R0t0]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Discussing this face to face is the best bet.  But honestly from what you posted here I doubt you have the diplomacy to pull this off.  You have her too high on a pedestal & you are going to go off on her because once you open this emotional door ALL of your insecurities are going to come bubbling out.  Your lack of friends & you pinning all of your social interaction & expectations on her is too much & it will topple from its own unsustainable weight. 

Talk to your mom before this meeting.  She seems to have a good handle on your situation & she knows things will get better for you once you get out of your own way. 

You absolutely can't attack your GF about this  You are her LDR BF, not her jailer.  She has no obligation to give you a play by play of every hour of her life or her movements.   You can talk about how learning things so long after they happened upsets you but you can't accuse her of things or act like you want to police her.  It's a fine line & I worry you will cross it.  

She told me not to tell anyone about this legal issue and all that for fear that my parents might see her differently. Do you think it would be ok if I tell my mother discretely so she can give me a bit of context and advice? Tbh, I think it would be a good decision, but...

Thank you very much again.

Edited September 21, 2021 by R0t0

[DKT3]

Men dont get much support here on this site,  usually they are told they are wrong no matter the situation. 

I will say this, you are young, relationship are difficult when you don't have someone trying to hide things and manage you. You have a girlfriend who hides things and trys to manage you. This will end horrible, its only a matter of when does it end.

Most marriages that break up,  break up for issues that were always there. Deal breakers will always be Deal breakers.

[Nothanks]

She is acting shady.  Staying at another mans house for 3 days and not telling you about it?  You said she makes you feel good so you want to continue having a relationship with her. Not everything that makes you feel good is good for you.  If you don’t have honesty in your relationship, you don’t have much of a relationship.  Do you like not trusting her and second guessing yourself?  My guess is “no”. If she acts in a way that is unacceptable to you, you inform her of your requirements to continue to be in a relationship with you.  If she doesn’t accept that, move on. You can’t control her actions.  You can only decide how you react to them. 

[Caauug]

56 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have this woman on a pedestal.  You value her "good girl" image & she knows it.

^^^^^Correct!!!^^^^^ She is just another girl but from a different culture. LDR and "Onesitis" does not work!!! 

Actions speak louder than words.... Look at how she is treating you and what she has done and is doing.... Talk is cheap.

Keep in mind what her culture is like. She comes from a very highly competitive culture. There is no second place? What will she be looking for in a mate or BF? Not someone that is naturally  passive.... 

LDR take a lot of hard work, you have to have an end date when both of you will be together.... There has to be a lot of trust and forgiveness. But you can not ignore "Red Flags". Most LDR crash and burn before the end date, "Red Flags" are your friend to end things before you get invested farther.

28 minutes ago, R0t0 said:

She told me not to tell anyone about this legal issue and all that for fear that my parents might see her differently.

Or are you the next target?

Step back and look at her actions.....

[R0t0]

58 minutes ago, Caauug said:

^^^^^Correct!!!^^^^^ She is just another girl but from a different culture. LDR and "Onesitis" does not work!!! 

Actions speak louder than words.... Look at how she is treating you and what she has done and is doing.... Talk is cheap.

Keep in mind what her culture is like. She comes from a very highly competitive culture. There is no second place? What will she be looking for in a mate or BF? Not someone that is naturally  passive.... 

LDR take a lot of hard work, you have to have an end date when both of you will be together.... There has to be a lot of trust and forgiveness. But you can not ignore "Red Flags". Most LDR crash and burn before the end date, "Red Flags" are your friend to end things before you get invested farther.

Or are you the next target?

Step back and look at her actions.....

What do you mean here?

[elaine567]

I believe you are wasting your time.
LDRs are a complete waste of time.
Young women need closeness, they need hugs, they need cuddles, they need sex.
They also need validation and to be desired.
She is missing IRL contact and chemistry, hence the need for the other guy.
You are no longer "enough".
Time  IMO to bow out and go look for another woman - this one is done.

[glows]

20 hours ago, R0t0 said:

Very often she asks me if I love her, if I am serious, if I am ever going to leave her because I am going to get tired of her and her bad management of emotions,...

 I have practically no real friends,

Without the friend causing any confusion, does this seem ok to you? (in bold) She has some serious issues surrounding abandonment and her actions and thoughts are deeply rooted in a place of fear. Why are you dating someone who is inherently fearful and anxious? This is a losing battle from day 1 and it has nothing to do with you or the ldr nature of the relationship. She needs to fix those issues she has with herself before entering a relationship.

I'd hold on any other meetings with your parents, ignore your mother's jabs about your social life, do seek other hobbies and interest groups where you can meet new people when you feel ready and rethink this entire relationship. The problem is her.

[R0t0]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Without the friend causing any confusion, does this seem ok to you? (in bold) She has some serious issues surrounding abandonment and her actions and thoughts are deeply rooted in a place of fear. Why are you dating someone who is inherently fearful and anxious? This is a losing battle from day 1 and it has nothing to do with you or the ldr nature of the relationship. She needs to fix those issues she has with herself before entering a relationship.

I'd hold on any other meetings with your parents, ignore your mother's jabs about your social life, do seek other hobbies and interest groups where you can meet new people when you feel ready and rethink this entire relationship. The problem is her.

I know. I've told her when she told me the smoking thing: "it seems like I don't know you: I don't now if x stuff is true or it issn true anymore". And that's it. As much as she can love me, lying is never a good thing. Even white lies. 

 

What could I tell her next time? 

[Nothanks]

On 9/22/2021 at 9:57 AM, R0t0 said:

What could I tell her next time?

Next time she lies to you?  “Goodbye.”  Why are you waiting for a “next time”?