Husband and his family

[MHLM2021]

I’ve been married for 26+ years to a man who stopped talking to his family about 5 years ago. His mom died during 2016 and the remaining family (elderly dad, older sister, my husband) basically fell apart.
 

My father-in-law is someone who regularly handles his emotions poorly and can be verbally abusive (tendencies toward anger and resentment, not able to be vulnerable, closed off, lashes out verbally when under stress, often mean) so when his wife of 60 years passed away he not surprisingly became even more difficult to deal with. I tried to be understanding because FIL was grieving and his anger was directed (misdirected) at my husband more than it ever was at me.

One afternoon my FIL said something to my husband that I don’t even remember word for word but do recall that it was quite aggressive and mean. This came after other abusive comments in the very recent past (at that time). Husband decided to stop talking to his father and has always characterized him as either distant or abusive. I tried to stay out of it because my in laws have always been problematic and the last thing I need or want is more drama involving them.

It’s now been over five years since my husband has spoken to his father or his sister, no attempted contact that I know of from either side. I have neither encouraged nor discouraged him to get back into contact because a) I don’t miss them at all (just being honest and he knows I don’t miss them) and b) husband is a grown man and it’s his family and he needs to live with his decisions and the consequences. But to be clear, I have never once prevented him from having a relationship with them.

The FIL and the sister live about 70 miles away from us and everyone has each other’s phone numbers but no one is calling. For context, my husband and sister have not been close for decades and she does not know exactly where we live but she has both of our numbers and we never hear from her. Fair enough.

A few weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument completely unrelated to his family but despite that he managed to fling his family issues in my face. Didn’t blame me for the estrangement but said he “knew” I didn’t want him to contact his family. I’m blunt and told him I do not miss the drama his family manages to cause but reminded him I’ve made it clear all along it’s up to him to manage his family relationships, not me. I’m not going to hold his hand and my FIL’s hand and make them kiss and make up. I’m also not a prison guard … do what you like with them but again, live with your own decisions and good/bad consequences as it pertains to your family. As far as I know there has still been no contact between he and them but pretty sure he’s still blaming me and “knowing” I don’t want him to contact them. My question has been, even if that were the case (it’s not) why would you let me or anyone stop you from reaching out to them? Why aren’t they reaching out to you? Sounds like you’re all emotionally disabled and need a scapegoat and I’m not it. Another question, are you unable to live with your decision to cut your dad off without feeling guilty that you can’t stop projecting your misplaced guilty feelings onto me or whoever is available? 

Has anyone dealt with a similar problem or family dynamic? 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by MHLM2021
Grammar

[MHLM2021]

I realize in my OP that I don’t sound particularly caring about the status of my husband’s relationship with his family or how his dad has treated him. To a certain extent it’s true. Years ago I used to try to care, tried to get along, tried to stick up for him, etc and it became evident that my input was, I guess, unnecessary. These people had problems before I came along and the parents were always closed off and I’m sure my efforts (dysfunctional efforts as they probably were, I just didn’t know enough back then to realize the relationship with his family wasn’t my problem to take care of) were barely noticed so why bother? You get shut down enough you eventually learn. 

I don’t like the way they treat him but I’m not his manager nor theirs. We’ve got kids and grandkids and I’d rather focus on them as they bring positivity to my life, unlike the situation with my in laws. I also have a stressful full time job and frankly don’t care for more stress regardless of who it’s from. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by MHLM2021
Grammar

[Caauug]

On 9/21/2021 at 10:38 PM, MHLM2021 said:

it became evident that my input was, I guess, unnecessary. These people had problems before I came along and the parents were always closed off and I’m sure my efforts (dysfunctional efforts as they probably were, I just didn’t know enough back then to realize the relationship with his family wasn’t my problem to take care of) were barely noticed so why bother? You get shut down enough you eventually learn. 

Yes. Some things in life you can not change or control. Don't spend energy (emotions) on those things. Concentrate on the things you can control or change. Support your husband when he needs it or don't kick him when he's down. His isolation from his family is a defensive action. 

On 9/21/2021 at 10:21 PM, MHLM2021 said:

I’m blunt and told him I do not miss the drama his family manages to cause but reminded him I’ve made it clear all along it’s up to him to manage his family relationships, not me.

You did well, shut it down before blame get projected onto you.

On 9/21/2021 at 10:21 PM, MHLM2021 said:

My question has been, even if that were the case (it’s not) why would you let me or anyone stop you from reaching out to them? Why aren’t they reaching out to you? Sounds like you’re all emotionally disabled and need a scapegoat and I’m not it. Another question, are you unable to live with your decision to cut your dad off without feeling guilty that you can’t stop projecting your misplaced guilty feelings onto me or whoever is available? 

There are 2 issues here:

1) H and his family. IMO, is not about you. You are caught up in association only, don't make it about you any more than it is or needs to be. You can not control or change this, so don't spend energy on this.

2) H projecting blame onto you. This you can control and it sounds like you shut it down as you should. #1 is not in your control so don't take blame for it.

I can relate to your H. I don't communicate with my mother and for years it was only Christmas when I would see her. I moved away and nearly 20 yrs later went back to see my family that was left. It was good. My mother had not changed, still tried to control me, I still wasn't good enough, I don't do enough for her, guilt trip games etc... She is a total drain of any positive emotions when we are together. I can not change her or change how I feel when around her. My defense is to isolate myself from her. I do not project blame for my actions on anyone else.... That is unfair for your H to do that. 

[S2B]

I can understand. It’s not ok for your husband to blame you for his choices. I’d make sure and have a frank conversation letting him understand that it’s not kind when he does that. 

as far as his family - every abuser needs a victim - he shouldn’t allow it to be him. If he steps back in he will just get more abuse. That’s family history that no one can change. It will likely always be that way and there’s nothing he can do to make that different.

[glows]

On 9/21/2021 at 7:21 AM, MHLM2021 said:

do what you like with them but again, live with your own decisions and good/bad consequences as it pertains to your family. 

You have deep resentment for the way your FIL has treated his family and your husband in the past and it may come out in your tone and the way you phrase things like this above. Your intentions are good but your resentment is very loud here, very open or resonant. I can relate because family relationships have a ripple effect, effecting multiple people at a time and I'm sure you have borne the brunt and listened time and time again to your husband's family issues. Consider also that your husband feels guilty. He doesn't have a great father or any father he can lean on earlier in his life or even have a father-son relationship now. He feels guilty because one day he will lose his parents as we all do, eventually. And there's nothing he can do to change who is father is. 

The more defensive and angry you get with your husband the less togetherness you have in your marriage. Don't engage with your husband when these disagreements come up. Make your boundaries clear and suggest something else. Go for a walk together or get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine. The truth is you know his background and he knows that you are not a terrible wife. You've stood by him all these years and have listened and tolerated the family dynamic. Diffuse as much as possible when things like this come up and talk at a better time. Resist the urge to tell him he can live with his own decisions etc as above. It adds fuel to fire and escalates the issue. 

Edited September 24, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

This is a marital problem, not an in-law problem. When there is general discord, arguments, etc. it's often more about unspoken and unaddressed hurts and seething resentments.

Don't discuss his family, it's ancient history. Your hostilities toward each other isn't really about a past that can't be changed anyway.

Talk to a therapist privately and confidentiality. Do not tell him.

In the course of discussing your concerns, ask if marital therapy could help you get the cards on the table and start an honest dialogue about issues in the marriage.

[Nothanks]

I know what you are going through.  It is your husband’s responsibility to handle his relationships, including those with his family.  If he wants to contact them, nothing is stopping him. I’d just tell him if he wants to see or talk to them, it is his call.  You will support his decision. Your husband is understandably hurt and expressing that hurt as anger directed towards you. You are bearing the brunt but are not the source.  Just don’t talk badly about them to him.  They are still his family.  I think you have to decide how much lashing out you will take though.  If he keeps doing it, then you have to establish boundaries and advise him that you will not engage in further discussions on this topic.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Nothanks