Regrets and doubts over break up

[Ashley001]

*Sorry for the long post*
I chose to end my 6 month relationship about a week ago. It didn’t feel overly happy or healthy anymore. Things were fine but I couldn’t help feeling they could be better. But now a week later after the break up, I’m doubting myself and wondering if I should give it a second chance. 

The first four months were good. We are really similar people and connected easily, it felt natural. Granted, I made most of the plans or decisions but he would do thoughtful things such as buy me flowers once or twice and perfume on one particularly bad day. His insecurities were quite clear and I always had to make the first move (initiating conversation over text, defining the relationship, saying I love you, saying if we were spending time together that day or not). He would make it clear he was annoyed if i fell asleep without texting goodnight. 

He was a caring person, would give affection and wanted the same things in life as me.

After four months, we spent two weeks together on leave from work and the honeymoon period wore off for me. I wasn’t unhappy, everything just felt ‘fine’ This is where the problems started.

(We also had to work together every day for a month following this which added to the pressures)

I tried to explain that I still loved him and wanted to be with him but he went into panic mode and pulled away. It was as if his wall went up and he got on the defensive really quick. Small things would turn into big issues and we struggled to come back from this. 

I said that I was unhappy I had to plan most of the things and asked for him to maybe book a meal one night or plan a picnic, he called me high maintenance. We argued for hours and I left. He still held me responsible and didn’t accept any fault himself. A few days later he said he would make more effort.

He did book something for us but the day before that plan, I went to see a male best friend for a dog walk. I have been friends with this male for 9 years. My partner fell out with me to the point where we almost broke up. He was adamant I had done something wrong and still is to this day. I have always been open and honest with him about this friendship but he still is not ok with this. 

Throughout this difficult time of us struggling, it was hard to communicate. I would explain things that bothered me and he would get stubborn or defensive. Either throwing his toys out of the pram and saying ‘fine I’m just rubbish at everything then aren’t I’ or shutting down with one word answers like ‘ok’ or ‘whatever’.
It got so petty to the point of he would comment if my text messages were shorter than usual and make out that something was up. 
We fell out because I posted a picture on Instagram in a new dress. It was not revealing or sexual in any way. It was the first time I had posted a ‘selfie’ in our relationship. He was not happy and said I was desperate for attention and likes. This felt hypocritical as before we got together he would follow lots of girls on Instagram and like 100’s of photos of them in their underwear.

At work if I was laughing and joking with people he would say I was being flirty. 

I am quite a positive person and if I tried to see the best in something rather than worse case scenario, on a bad day he would go out of his way to go against me. It would feel like he was trying to bring me down with him.

I was given an opportunity for a new job and this spiralled another level of panic. Which is understandable to some extent, things weren’t great and he felt he was going to lose me. His attitude towards this was that I was choosing work over our relationship and running away. He said I’d meet someone new or someone would flirt with me and I’d be easily led and leave him for them. Two weeks later, after speaking with his mum, he said all the right things and was supportive but it felt too little too late. 
He would go to sleep without speaking to me over the smallest of things and I would be expected to make the first move to sort things out. 
He would get annoyed if I talked about bucket list dreams like travelling as he said I would want to do this without him or it wouldn’t fit in with the life we had planned. I was never planning on travelling the world which I made clear but it was nice to talk about things I’d love to do hypothetically.

Last week things were bad and we were arguing. I went to the shops while he was asleep after work and when he woke up he was annoyed that I had gone without him. This turned into an argument and I had had enough.

I took my dog to the beach the next day to clear my head and he turned up at my house the minute I got back without warning. He was unhappy I had been to the beach and wanted to sort things out. I later asked him to leave and he rang my phone constantly through the night. He turned up at my door the next morning to drop off all of our keepsakes and was knocking on the door for 10 minutes despite me telling him to go. 

After a few days, he calmed down and spent some time with his family. Now he is communicating and accepting some of the issues saying he still wants a future with me and wants us to give it another go. He said that he panicked about losing me and this is why he acted this way. He also said that because we had been working together constantly for a month, this was mainly to blame because it had put us under too much pressure. 

I miss him and I am scared to make the wrong decision. I find it hard to trust my own decisions because of previous unhealthy relationships.
Is this too much water under the bridge or can this be worked on? It’s hard to remember the bad moments when he is being kind and understanding now.

Thank you. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

 Either throwing his toys out of the pram 

You think of him as a toddler? 👶

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Make a clean break.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Ashley001]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You think of him as a toddler? 👶

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Make a clean break.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes this is the same man. I’m doubting myself now things are calm and he’s talking to me properly. I feel like I overreacted or blew things out of proportion. It’s making me doubt whether things were as bad as I say they were  

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not be able to deal with behaviour like this. 

You two are not compatible, and he's got some serious growing up and maturing to do. His insecurity is off the charts, and he's rude and pushy when he gets upset. I would not consider reconciling. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Why are you doubting yourself?  This was not a good, healthy or balanced relationship.  Things don't have to be a complete train wreck or fatally toxic for them to not be good.  

FWIW you don't sound high maintenance to me.  He sounds low effort.  There is a difference.  

[stillafool]

This relationship should have been over a long time ago.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  Delete and block this guy.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

From what you are describing it sounds abusive how he treated you. DO NOT go back.  It will escalate the next time a “storm” comes.

Don’t kid yourself that things were really that great.

 

[glows]

It is only six months. The longer you stay the more difficult and emotionally attached you will be. Cut your losses now and be more firm about what your needs are in a relationship. Remind yourself that you date and get to know one another to see whether you're compatible over time and whether you get along. If you do not, walk away. 

Edited September 23, 2021 by glows

[Ashley001]

Thank you for your help guys. He still won’t give up contacting me and is making me out to be an awful person because I won’t get back with him. Saying he’s going to the doctors because he’s unwell from how much I’ve hurt him. I’ve removed his number and told him to stop contacting me. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

Thank you for your help guys. He still won’t give up contacting me and is making me out to be an awful person because I won’t get back with him. Saying he’s going to the doctors because he’s unwell from how much I’ve hurt him. I’ve removed his number and told him to stop contacting me. 

Did you block him from contact?  That is what you need  to do.

[Caauug]

40 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

He still won’t give up contacting me and is making me out to be an awful person because I won’t get back with him.

And this may be the start of a huge detachment problem....  Never, ever date someone you work with!!!! Don't flirt with them, don't even have a "Chit Chat" or "Water cooler" conversations. Business is business, keep it that way. You are about to learn this lesson the hard way.... Be prepared to find new employment or take a transfer to somewhere far away (from him). In a HR dispute he will loose, but you never be a winner in the long run. 

On 9/22/2021 at 4:51 PM, Ashley001 said:

I miss him and I am scared to make the wrong decision. I find it hard to trust my own decisions because of previous unhealthy relationships.

You don't state your age, why are you scared to make the wrong decision? 

1 hour ago, Ashley001 said:

he’s unwell from how much I’ve hurt him.

Rejection... He'd better get use to that!!! Lots more where that came from.

[Ashley001]

3 minutes ago, Caauug said:

And this may be the start of a huge detachment problem....  Never, ever date someone you work with!!!! Don't flirt with them, don't even have a "Chit Chat" or "Water cooler" conversations. Business is business, keep it that way. You are about to learn this lesson the hard way.... Be prepared to find new employment or take a transfer to somewhere far away (from him). In a HR dispute he will loose, but you never be a winner in the long run. 

You don't state your age, why are you scared to make the wrong decision? 

Rejection... He'd better get use to that!!! Lots more where that came from.

Thank you. Yes I have learned the lesson now with dating people who you work with. I have also moved locations to ease the issue. 
 

I am just about to turn 28 years old, I guess there’s a slight fear of running out of time and ending up alone as silly as that may sound. 

Hopefully he will learn from this and have healthier relationships eventually. 

[d0nnivain]

NC is your best bet.  Don't worry about running out of time.  You have time. . .not infinite but time.  I was 39 when I met my husband. 

[Caauug]

26 minutes ago, Ashley001 said:

I am just about to turn 28 years old, I guess there’s a slight fear of running out of time and ending up alone as silly as that may sound. 

It's not silly. The wall misses no one. The key is identify the red flags early and move on to the better match. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Ashley001 said:

He still won’t give up contacting me . I’ve removed his number and told him to stop contacting me. 

You also need to delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL  your social media, messaging apps and devices.

Don't leave whether he bullies and harasses you up to him. Take control of your peace of mind and healing.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Wiseman2