Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Yesterday was my boyfriends birthday. His adult daughters planned an outing to an amusement park and invited his ex girlfriend and not me....the current girlfriend who has been with their dad for 4 years. I was really disturbed by it and I expressed that to my boyfriend after he arrived home. I explained to him that I'm his girlfriend and they know this so why the need to invite an ex girlfriend? He said while he empathizes with me he said that I'm allowing my feelings to take over my thought process. He defends their choice and doesn't even have a problem with it. We're talking about marriage and he even purchased the ring that I wanted but after what occurred yesterday I feel very unsettled about marriage because while I would be marrying their dad I would be also obtaining them as bonus kids. We've been together for several years and I don't want to walk away because he is a wonderful man but I also don't want unnecessary drama in my life. I'm I wrong with my feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Is the ex-girlfriend the mother of these adult daughters?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 Nope. This isn't their mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Retired2021 said: Nope. This isn't their mother. Thank you for the clarification. I fail to see why these adult daughters would do this. Why would they be pushing this woman to spend time their father?? Unless they prefer her, over you and want their father to go back with this woman. Almost reminds me of that 1961 movie - Parent Trap. Your boyfriend should have put his foot down and told his daughters this is unacceptable. If the daughters want to be friends with this ex, your boyfriend can't stop them (they are adults)... but he certainly doesn't have to participate in functions (ie amusement park) with the ex. The fact that he finds this whole thing acceptable leads me to believe that he may still have feelings for the ex. Do you think he wants to go back to this ex-girlfriend?? I'd put the brakes on the whole marriage thing until this mess is resolved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 Your guy is dead wrong. He should never have let his kids insult you that way. He needed to insist that you be included. Do you know why the kids behave like this? Have you ever discussed it with them? I would not marry this guy until he learns to stand up to his kids. I'm not even sure I would want to continue the relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Thank you for the clarification. I fail to see why these adult daughters would do this. Why would they be pushing this woman to spend time their father?? Unless they prefer her, over you and want their father to go back with this woman. Almost reminds me of that 1961 movie - Parent Trap. Your boyfriend should have put his foot down and told his daughters this is unacceptable. If the daughters want to be friends with this ex, your boyfriend can't stop them (they are adults)... but he certainly doesn't have to participate in functions (ie amusement park) with the ex. The fact that he finds this whole thing acceptable leads me to believe that he may still have feelings for the ex. Do you think he wants to go back to this ex-girlfriend?? I'd put the brakes on the whole marriage thing until this mess is resolved. No. The ex girlfriend has a boyfriend herself. And I don't feel that vibe of him wanting to go back to her. So infidelity isn't a concern. Yes, if they want to remain friends with her that's on them but I'm just kinda shocked that he doesn't see anything wrong with what they did and instead has me feeling like I'm some crazed jealous woman when all I really feel is disrespected and our relationship disrespected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Your guy is dead wrong. He should never have let his kids insult you that way. He needed to insist that you be included. Do you know why the kids behave like this? Have you ever discussed it with them? I would not marry this guy until he learns to stand up to his kids. I'm not even sure I would want to continue the relationship. Earlier this year we had an ugly public breakup and his adult kids sided with him on it. Then when we got back together they didn't like it. I have yet to discuss anything with them because they haven't made any movement on their part to discuss anything and neither have I. I'm willing to do so but one of them is famous for holding grudges so I don't know how a round table discussion would pan out. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, Retired2021 said: No. The ex girlfriend has a boyfriend herself. I wonder if this "new" boyfriend is aware of this amusement park outing?? Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Retired2021 said: Earlier this year we had an ugly public breakup and his adult kids sided with him on it. Then when we got back together they didn't like it. I have yet to discuss anything with them because they haven't made any movement on their part to discuss anything and neither have I. I'm willing to do so but one of them is famous for holding grudges so I don't know how a round table discussion would pan out. That's a very important piece of information you missed out. Having an ugly public breakup in the past is the reason they did not invite you, and most likely don't want you in a relationship with their father. I completely agree with them. A good relationship does not involve any breakup, let alone an ugly public one. You should have stayed broken up and not got back together. Time to end this relationship for good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 You might not need the discussion if you know a source of their dislike of you is the prior public break up. Rather than talking to them, if you insist on continuing this tumultuous relationship with their father just be nicer to them. If this EX didn't show them the drama they are seeing with your relationship (ugly public break up) that may explain their preference for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said: I wonder if this "new" boyfriend is aware of this amusement park outing?? I don't know but I don't know if any man in our age group 45-60 would be accepting of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said: That's a very important piece of information you missed out. Having an ugly public breakup in the past is the reason they did not invite you, and most likely don't want you in a relationship with their father. I completely agree with them. A good relationship does not involve any breakup, let alone an ugly public one. You should have stayed broken up and not got back together. Time to end this relationship for good. Backstory.....he mistreated me emotionally so I broke up with him and resorted to doing things to get me back that made me feel uncomfortable so I had the authorities get involved. And that is where their discord with me comes into play. But instead of asking me why they resort to doing this exclusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 If things were so bad that you had to get the authorities involved you are foolish indeed to have reconciled with him. Of course the kids will never forgive you for getting dad arrested. Even if you were justified, he's still their dad & they will take his side. Do not marry this man. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You might not need the discussion if you know a source of their dislike of you is the prior public break up. Rather than talking to them, if you insist on continuing this tumultuous relationship with their father just be nicer to them. If this EX didn't show them the drama they are seeing with your relationship (ugly public break up) that may explain their preference for her. I'm not given the opportunity to even hang out with the daughters to be nicer to them. Before all this drama I tried getting them both jobs within my company. I really tried to make an effort to get to know them over the past couple of years but honestly nothing on their end. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, Retired2021 said: I don't know but I don't know if any man in our age group 45-60 would be accepting of that. I'm 56 and I would be highly upset if my girlfriend went on any day trip with an ex. Also what is wrong with this ex-girlfriend that she would agree to an outing with an ex-boyfriend. It serves no purpose, unless she is ready to dump her present boyfriend and "monkey-branch" to your guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: If things were so bad that you had to get the authorities involved you are foolish indeed to have reconciled with him. Of course the kids will never forgive you for getting dad arrested. Even if you were justified, he's still their dad & they will take his side. Do not marry this man. No. He didn't get arrested. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, Retired2021 said: ...so I had the authorities get involved. There is no fixing this... these daughters will NEVER "make nice" with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: There is no fixing this... these daughters will NEVER "make nice" with you. That's what my gut tells me but he insist that his daughters don't hate me and that they are happy that he is happy but actions speak louder than words and he refuses to see it for what it is. I love him dearly and we've worked out the kinks in our relationship regarding US but I don't know if I can marry someone with problematic adult kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, Retired2021 said: but I don't know if I can marry someone with problematic adult kids. It is not the kids that followed-thru (and defended) this day outing to the amusement park with the ex. It was YOUR boyfriend. He has free-will and could have not agreed to the outing and if it was surprised on him, he could have left and came home to you. He did neither. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: It is not the kids that followed-thru (and defended) this day outing to the amusement park with the ex. It was YOUR boyfriend. He has free-will and could have not agreed to the outing and if it was surprised on him, he could have left and came home to you. He did neither. He keeps insisting that his daughters don't hate me and I'm being too emotional over it. And how we have a lifetime together....he just wants to forget about it and move on. He made my decision much easier to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Retired2021 said: I'm being too emotional over it. I'd describe it as a "gut feeling"... you know those feelings where everything looks OK on the surface, but your gut is telling you otherwise. If my friends invited me out and then they sprang some ex-girlfriend on me. I'd excuse myself and leave. I just wouldn't do that to my girlfriend, but I actually like my girlfriend and I don't do things that would hurt or upset her. Again, your boyfriend has "free will" and could have chosen to leave. He could be polite about it and still leave. There is no way he should have continued into the amusement park and spent the day with his ex-girlfriend. He knew it would hurt you and he didn't care. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 I assume your bf knew about his ex being there before he went to the park but went anyway so yes it is his fault. The girls don't like you because of the drama between you and their dad so don't expect that to change. They are obviously fond of his ex. Maybe the ex brought her bf along too. Saying this I don't think you should not marry because his daughters dislike you but know that if you do marry him they won't want to get together with you so don't expect it. 3 hours ago, Retired2021 said: I'm not given the opportunity to even hang out with the daughters to be nicer to them. No one is going to give you an opportunity you can do this on your own. Invite them to lunch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 10 minutes ago, stillafool said: I assume your bf knew about his ex being there before he went to the park but went anyway so yes it is his fault. The girls don't like you because of the drama between you and their dad so don't expect that to change. They are obviously fond of his ex. Maybe the ex brought her bf along too. Saying this I don't think you should not marry because his daughters dislike you but know that if you do marry him they won't want to get together with you so don't expect it. No one is going to give you an opportunity you can do this on your own. Invite them to lunch. No. The ex did not bring her boyfriend along. As far inviting them to lunch to discuss I don't even have their phone numbers to set something like that up. I asked for their telephone numbers in the past to use in case of an emergency if something should happen to their dad if we're riding MCs together but their dad refused. Yet I had given him the tele numbers to a few of family members to be used if God forbid something happened to me. I'm really starting to think that this entire adventure was pre-meditated in advance and he knew all along....just allowed it. Hell he might have invited the ex himself. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted September 22, 2021 Share Posted September 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Retired2021 said: Earlier this year we had an ugly public breakup and his adult kids sided with him on it. Then when we got back together they didn't like it. I have yet to discuss anything with them because they haven't made any movement on their part to discuss anything and neither have I. I'm willing to do so but one of them is famous for holding grudges so I don't know how a round table discussion would pan out. This is the missing piece to the puzzle of why his adult daughters didn't invite you. Not saying it's right or fair, but it seems that they have a negative opinion of you after the "ugly, public" breakup. What exactly do you mean by ugly and public? By the way, it sounds like their dad may have bad mouthed you to them. In the heat of the moment, it feels good to bash your ex or soon to be ex to friends and family, but when you get back together they still hold animosity because of what they were told. Either this is what happened, or you did or said something terrible in their eyes during or after the breakup, or both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Retired2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Author Share Posted September 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: I'd describe it as a "gut feeling"... you know those feelings where everything looks OK on the surface, but your gut is telling you otherwise. If my friends invited me out and then they sprang some ex-girlfriend on me. I'd excuse myself and leave. I just wouldn't do that to my girlfriend, but I actually like my girlfriend and I don't do things that would hurt or upset her. Again, your boyfriend has "free will" and could have chosen to leave. He could be polite about it and still leave. There is no way he should have continued into the amusement park and spent the day with his ex-girlfriend. He knew it would hurt you and he didn't care. Yes. That intitution is speaking to me and can't shake it. Hence the uneasy feelings I felt when I woke up this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
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