Playing 2nd Fiddle to Ex Girlfriend

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

Backstory.....he mistreated me emotionally so I broke up with him and resorted to doing things to get me back that made me feel uncomfortable so I had the authorities get involved. And that is where their discord with me comes into play. But instead of asking me why they resort to doing this exclusion. 

Just saw this. If what he did to get you back was so bad that you called the police on him and risked his reputation, finances and freedom, then why did you get back with him?

[Stevnx3]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Your guy is dead wrong.  He should never have let his kids insult you that way.  He needed to insist that you be included. 

Do you know why the kids behave like this?  

Have you ever discussed it with them?  

I would not marry this guy until he learns to stand up to his kids.  I'm not even sure I would want to continue the relationship.  

This. 

You are his current GF. You are talking marriage. She shouldn't be in the picture. She isn't their mom. Even if they prefer her: He needs to put his foot down. You're not acting irrationally or out of emotions. Just the plain old truth, and he just brushed you off.

His ex doesn't matter. But boy.. sure seems like it! I'd further explain all of this to him. What is she? Nothing! It seems odd.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

he mistreated me emotionally so I broke up with him and resorted to doing things to get me back that made me feel uncomfortable so I had the authorities get involved. 

 You need to end it on this basis alone. I would not worry about rings and adult kids if he was being so abusive you had to take law enforcement/legal action. 

[clia]

I feel like there is something you aren't telling us about the situation because this makes no sense.  You're saying that the man you've been dating for four years spent his birthday at an amusement park with his daughters and ex, and left you at home?  Why would he agree to this?  And why would you put up with it?  Do the daughters view the ex as a mother figure?

Edited September 22, 2021 by clia

[Retired2021]

9 minutes ago, clia said:

I feel like there is something you aren't telling us about the situation because this makes no sense.  You're saying that the man you've been dating for four years spent his birthday at an amusement park with his daughters and ex, and left you at home?  Why would he agree to this?  And why would you put up with it?  Do the daughters view the ex as a mother figure?

No. He was only with this woman for 7 years. His kids are adults so they weren't reared by her. He told me initially days prior that the daughters were only going to take him out to dinner. But then I received a text saying that they were at this park and that the ex was included. 

[mark clemson]

Assuming you're genuinely past all the prior conflict issues (which is a big assumption):

Even if the daughters invited her, as an older guy he should have known better. The below all seem like possibilities to me:

- He was being clueless (very clueless).

- He was being emotionally abusive but this time in a more subtle way. (This implies he knew you'd find out about it or intended that you would.)

- He was deliberately or perhaps unconsciously trying to "assert his independence" - ie, showing you that "he'll do what he wants" or similar.

- He was, probably unconsciously but perhaps deliberately, trying to sabotage the wedding plans.

Edited September 22, 2021 by mark clemson

[Snow_Queen]

4 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

Backstory.....he mistreated me emotionally so I broke up with him and resorted to doing things to get me back that made me feel uncomfortable so I had the authorities get involved. And that is where their discord with me comes into play. But instead of asking me why they resort to doing this exclusion. 

Sounds like you need to walk for good. Anytime the authorities need to be involved, it’s a huge red flag!

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Retired2021 said:

Hell he might have invited the ex himself. 

Well if you really do think this you have bigger problems than his daughters.  You need to give him his ring back.

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Retired2021 said:

He was only with this woman for 7 years.

Only?  7 years is a long time for a relationship.  The daughters obviously have a close bond with her and probably wants them back together.  Maybe the ex does too since she didn't bring her bf along.

[Retired2021]

1 hour ago, clia said:

I feel like there is something you aren't telling us about the situation because this makes no sense.  You're saying that the man you've been dating for four years spent his birthday at an amusement park with his daughters and ex, and left you at home?  Why would he agree to this?  And why would you put up with it?  Do the daughters view the ex as a mother figure?

Nope. No mother figure situation. He initially told me days prior that it was just going to be a daughters/dad birthday dinner. Just the three of them. I didn't know that there was a change of plans till I got a text from him saying that he was at this park and the girls invited the ex. But honestly I'm just starting to feel that it was all pre-mediated that he was the one that invited her. After he broke up with her they evolved to being friends only and even then I was unsure about that. I don't remain friends with ex's just to avoid drama just in case I do get involved in a serious relationship. Ex's are ex's for a reason and meshing past with present is not how I operate. I don't feel in my heart that any hanky panky is going on between the two of them. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Retired2021 said:

 As far inviting them to lunch to discuss I don't even have their phone numbers to set something like that up. I asked for their telephone numbers in the past to use in case of an emergency if something should happen to their dad if we're riding MCs together but their dad refused. 

And here is another reason you need to be apart from this man.  He's intentionally keeping you away from the daughters & won't even facilitate you all making peace.  This is very problematic.  Even before there was trouble between you two it's ridiculous that he won't give you in case of emergency numbers.  What does he expect you to do if he's unconscious?  This is untenable.  

[Happy Lemming]

Do these adult daughters have children?? 

If so, were his grand kids going to this amusement park (get together) as well??

 

[Retired2021]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do these adult daughters have children?? 

If so, were his grand kids going to this amusement park (get together) as well??

 

Yep. One grandchild and she came along too. 

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, Retired2021 said:

Yep. One grandchild and she came along too. 

Well... that explains why an amusement park was selected for this "get together".  So the granddaughter could enjoy herself, which now makes a little more sense to me. 

What is sad is that the grandchild sees the ex-girlfriend as Grandpa's significant other and not you.

This also cements the fact that at least one of the daughters would prefer her daughter (the grandchild) to "get to know" the ex-girlfriend and not you. I'm leaning towards the adult daughter seeing this ex as a mother-figure, why else would she introduce her child (the granddaughter) to this ex??

Either that or your boyfriend had some hand in planning this "get together" and he wanted the ex-girlfriend there??

[JakeT]

If ex GF 
 

Has a new BF. Then why did she go ???  There more going on here.   Bet new BF ( or new ex BF) feels the same way you do

Edited September 22, 2021 by JakeT

[Retired2021]

1 minute ago, JakeT said:

Has a new BF. Then why did she go ???  There more going on here.   Bet new BF ( or new ex zBF) feels the same way you so.

Yeah I don't think the BF would appreciate it. And they just started dating too. She probably didn't tell him. I feel sorry for him too. 

[Happy Lemming]

@Retired2021 I just wanted to add I'm sorry this happened to you.

It just kind of hit me that a small grandchild is in the mix and that must really hurt that this other woman was included and you were not.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

Earlier this year we had an ugly public breakup and his adult kids sided with him on it.

It's a bad idea to involve kids or friends in break-ups. Just because you and your bf have forgiven each other and moved on, this doesn't mean his children can or will ever see you as a good partner again. They weren't nearly as invested to begin with so once you've exposed your less-than-pleasant side, it is hard for them to see you any other way.  They don't have love and lust motivating them toward reconciliation.

8 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

Backstory.....he mistreated me emotionally so I broke up with him and resorted to doing things to get me back that made me feel uncomfortable so I had the authorities get involved. And that is where their discord with me comes into play. But instead of asking me why they resort to doing this exclusion. 

Instead of asking you why?  Of course they are not going to do that!  If my kids heard that a man I was seeing had called the authorities on me, they'd talk to me, not him.  And I imagine they would take a dim view of him, unless I had done something really heinous.

8 hours ago, Retired2021 said:

No. He didn't get arrested.

Ok, so what did happen? I think more details might help us understand why the adult children of your bf are holding a grudge. 

 

[Retired2021]

4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This is the missing piece to the puzzle of why his adult daughters didn't invite you. Not saying it's right or fair, but it seems that they have a negative opinion of you after the "ugly, public" breakup. What exactly do you mean by ugly and public? 

By the way, it sounds like their dad may have bad mouthed you to them. In the heat of the moment, it feels good to bash your ex or soon to be ex to friends and family, but when you get back together they still hold animosity because of what they were told. Either this is what happened, or you did or said something terrible in their eyes during or after the breakup, or both.

When he was showing up at my house and leaving letters and doing driveby's multiple times a day...even at 3 in the morning. I had to file a restraining order because my neighbors were becoming concerned and I had a boyfriend years ago stalk me in the same manner and it escalated to the point where I had to move out of the area. They didn't like that one bit. But when I broke up with him he went to social media and cried about it. I didn't post anything. I kept it to myself. But he took it public and yes he did slam my character in public and to his friends and family and then turn around and say how much he missed me. He was never physically abusive but for several months he was mistreating me emotionally and that's why I initially broke up with him. 

[Retired2021]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It's a bad idea to involve kids or friends in break-ups. Just because you and your bf have forgiven each other and moved on, this doesn't mean his children can or will ever see you as a good partner again. They weren't nearly as invested to begin with so once you've exposed your less-than-pleasant side, it is hard for them to see you any other way.  They don't have love and lust motivating them toward reconciliation.

Instead of asking you why?  Of course they are not going to do that!  If my kids heard that a man I was seeing had called the authorities on me, they'd talk to me, not him.  And I imagine they would take a dim view of him, unless I had done something really heinous.

Ok, so what did happen? I think more details might help us understand why the adult children of your bf are holding a grudge. 

 

I just stated to another commentator the why. 

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds like whatever it was that made you leave him hasn't gotten any better.

It would be interesting to know exactly how and to what extent he was emotionally abusive in the past, because what he is doing now is emotionally abusive as well in a way. Hurtful. He is excluding you on his birthday. Couples spend birthdays together. Especially considering the breakup in the past, which in your opinion was caused by his actions, one would expect a more accommodating/loving/considerate behavior on his part. He doesn't seem to care, and his excuse is that the trip was organized by his daughters. How convenient. Even without your history this behavior would be hurtful. But considering the past circumstances, it is certainly concerning. 

It could be interpreted as passive-aggressive. Maybe he's holding a grudge of some sort. I would not let that slide, that's for sure.    

[Retired2021]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

Sounds like whatever it was that made you leave him hasn't gotten any better.

It would be interesting to know exactly how and to what extent he was emotionally abusive in the past, because what he is doing now is emotionally abusive as well in a way. Hurtful. He is excluding you on his birthday. Couples spend birthdays together. Especially considering the breakup in the past, which in your opinion was caused by his actions, one would expect a more accommodating/loving/considerate behavior on his part. He doesn't seem to care, and his excuse is that the trip was organized by his daughters. How convenient. Even without your history this behavior would be hurtful. But considering the past circumstances, it is certainly concerning. 

It could be interpreted as passive-aggressive. Maybe he's holding a grudge of some sort. I would not let that slide, that's for sure.    

I regret giving him a second chance because it shouldn't even be like this. We've been talking about marriage (he even bought the ring) and now I just feel like marrying myself. I'm pushing 50 but I don't want to spend my remaining years waiting for the next bit of turmoil on his end. He is always telling me I'm too emotional when I bring up concerns in our relationship. According to him I can't bring up concerns in the morning because it messes up his day at the job and then I can't do so at night because he needs to unwind from work. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Retired2021 said:

Yep. One grandchild and she came along too. 

The grandchild may look at his ex as a grandma because the daughters are still close to her.  The kid may have asked that she come along.

Did you get to celebrate with him at any time on his birthday.  What about at night?

[Retired2021]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The grandchild may look at his ex as a grandma because the daughters are still close to her.  The kid may have asked that she come along.

Did you get to celebrate with him at any time on his birthday.  What about at night?

Nope. Grandchild had no involvement. This was drafted up by the daughters. We went out for breakfast and coffee in the morning for two hours. 

[elaine567]

54 minutes ago, Retired2021 said:

He was never physically abusive but for several months he was mistreating me emotionally and that's why I initially broke up with him

He is still mistreating you emotionally. 

Run as fast as your little legs will carry you.
Abusive men do not change,  unless they go through years of therapy and want to change.
he has just found another way to make you feel miserable.
Making you miserable makes him happy.