Stepdaughter

[dennzo]

Hi all --

I'll jump right into it. After dating for a few months I got married to my amazing wife last year. She's amazing, it's the best decision I ever made. She has a teenage girl (15 year old) from a previous marriage. I love the kiddo like my own. She's great -- but there are a few things. My wife basically doesn't have any boundaries for the kid. If me or my wife are in bed at night the kid will just kick open the door and come chat, no knocking, no nothing. So zero privacy. I've tried to talk to my wife about this, but she'll either agree and say she'll talk to her about knocking and never do, or she'll get defensive and say she doesn't want her to feel left out. On occasion my wife drives her to and from school every single day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There's a bus that other kids take and it's only a 10 min ride. I tell her she should go on public transport -- learn to be independent. But she gets defensive, says this is a "mom" thing. The kid will get up and scream every morning about being late and then call us and complain about not getting picked up on time. She's super spoiled and entitled, and my wife doesn't see it at all and it's infuriating. She wont eat unless she's cooked for and the food is delivered to her room.  She doesn't do any chores. And my wife will get angry at me after the house being dirty when it's clearly the kid who's messed it up. I'm almost at my wits end. Any suggestions? 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, dennzo said:

Any suggestions? 

Yes, lock the bedroom door.  This is what parents are supposed to do anyway so kids don't catch you having sex.  You have every right to insist on the door being locked because you don't want the girl coming in while you're in your underwear or naked.  Do not pick up after the child ask her to pick up her things.  Is it a problem that your wife takes her and picks her up from school?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, dennzo said:

If me or my wife are in bed at night the kid will just kick open the door and come chat, no knocking, no nothing. So zero privacy. 

Address  this issue only. The rest is for the mother and father to decide. Consider door locks.

[DividedTrail]

Sounds like you need to draw some lines. Figure out what is affecting you directly and what is just driving you crazy because you would have made different choices.

Water under the bridge but I would have thought before getting married, you two would have hashed out some rules of engagement (military term) on how to address conflicts when it comes to the daughter.

Also understand that your issues are mostly with you're wife and not the stepdaughter because she is the mom and you are 'just' the new husband as far as the parent/child relationship goes, even though you love the daughter too.

Asking and even demanding privacy in your own bedroom is a non-negotiable issue IMO. A compromise could be the daughter at least knocks if your wife doesn't want to lock the door all the time. I mean if you guys are getting intimate, I would hope locking the door is pretty much understood.

As far as the bus deal goes, do you have to participate, or it just annoys you? If you aren't being asked to do it, I would let that one go.

As far as the step daughter not doing any chores, making a mess and you getting blamed for it, that would piss me off more than the rest. Directed at your wife honestly.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your wife (again) and calmly hash out what's bothering you and figure out some compromises. Keep in mind you say your wife doesn't see it, and that could be true. It could also be true that, partially depending on how long ago she was divorced and how crazy it was and how your stepdaughter reacted to it, she could just be tired and  doesn't want to deal with it. Could be she is on auto piolet, doing the best she can until she is out of the house. Not good but might be a perspective...

I think at the end of the day it is about respect. You need to respect the boundary that she is the stepdaughters mother and she has the final call in raising her. And she needs to respect you and acknowledge your concerns and do something about them.

[glows]

14 hours ago, dennzo said:

And my wife will get angry at me after the house being dirty when it's clearly the kid who's messed it up. I'm almost at my wits end. Any suggestions? 

Sadly, I think there's a lot of resentment in your marriage. Both of you have to stop the blame game and blaming each other and nitpicking. Lock the bedroom door, don't get involved in the daughter's meals or criticize what your wife is doing or the relationship she has with her daughter. It's fine if she wants to drive her child to school. It's not your child and you are not doing the driving. Do you have a vehicle of your own? How does this detail impact you? Or is it a matter of principle that it bothers you? If it doesn't bother you in any practical sense, don't involve yourself in the parent-child relationship. 

 

 

[Allupinnit]

Lock the door, non-negotiable.  

The rest don't worry about.  Not your kid, so not your problem.  Coming from a fellow stepparent.  When I stopped caring about how my H parents it got a lot easier for me and the resentments dissipated.

For me, it was also frustration because I would parent very differently.  But we're not responsible for how our stepkids turn out, their parents are.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Not your kid, so not your problem.  Coming from a fellow stepparent.  When I stopped caring about how my H parents it got a lot easier for me and the resentments dissipated.

This is very true, something I’m working at doing this very week.

If you can’t do this, you should end it now. It only gets harder, not easier, with time.

[S2B]

If you don’t like it then leave her.

you can date - and do what you want.

you’re never gonna have a say in how she raises her daughter - not at this late age for her daughter.

they had a setup that worked for them long before you entered the scene.

if you need to stay - then stay quiet for the next 4 -6. years until she goes away to school or becomes more independent.

[ASG]

I mean... I did pretty much zero chores and my mom drove me to school every day. It's a thing. I would say that those are YOU problems. 

But the room situation definitely needs to be addressed. And the wife blaming you for the daughter's mess. I wouldn't even mention the other stuff, because frankly, it's none of your business.