Have to tell boyfriend I can't visit him this weekend and that I'm going on a trip of a lifetime without him.

[howwouldiknownow22]

I have been deeply involved in some humanitarian work for the last 2 months in addition to my normal business that I own and operate.  My bf and I are long distance and on a trip last month while I was out there with him.. he was extremely pissed off that my "volunteer" work was invading our time together.  

Without saying too much there were critical moments in our work that I NEEDED to be on calls to do my part. He wasn't thrilled and he literally got drunk, screamed at me when I got home and told me that he was done with me because my work is too important and appeared more important than him.

I told him this is just a spontaneous thing and it's not going to last forever -- but this was my role.  He told me I should marry my work, my phone ...etc etc.  Said I was a liar, self absorbed and to leave him alone..  

He blocked me.  He then got back together with me the very next day but told me I need to change.

Well, this "volunteer" work has turned into a very lucrative contract.  The people were so grateful for what I've done they gave me and my business a large contract.  I was thrilled!  He seemed supportive.

Well, I am supposed to fly out there this weekend to see him until Tuesday -- first time we will have seen each other since he blocked me and broke up with me.

He keeps talking about it ..how excited he is to see me and kiss me etc. 

However, I just got a phone call asking me to go to visit the people I was part of the humanitarian work for -- to be part of a huge celebration.  I can't make this stuff up... the donor who was the biggest fundraiser for this effort is paying for our entire team.   The plane leaves Sunday night --- and it's a trip of a life time -- I've never been to this country and I've certainly never had an opportunity to meet the people I was involved in helping.

I can't ask for my boyfriend to go -- he's not part of the team.  And I know he's going to BLOW up when I tell him I can't come visit him this weekend and that I'm going out of the country for this trip. 

I have known for a few hours now and I don't know what to do.  Part of me even considered telling them I can't go -- but why?  SO I can stay home to please the guy who dumped me a few weeks ago via phone and blocked me on a drunken rage? 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell him.  I'm really nervous and need advice.  Thanks in advance.  

Edited September 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[d0nnivain]

You have a choice to make.  I go on the trip & let him have his tantrum.  A sane quality BF would be more understanding & graciously reschedule.  You know he's not going to do that.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

You have a choice to make.  I go on the trip & let him have his tantrum.  A sane quality BF would be more understanding & graciously reschedule.  You know he's not going to do that.  

I thought about flying out there Friday and then just leaving early -- even if it's just a day and a half -- it will at least show him my effort?  IDK maybe I'm trying too hard?  

[DKT3]

This may come as a shock but men like to feel valued as well. Everyone has thier limit and to suggest he isn't understanding is unfair.

Well you can't manage him in this situation,  all you can do is give him the information,  his reaction is on him. I'm guessing he will end it again,  but you can't allow the possibility to sway your decision.  You've made the decision all that's left is to live with the outcome. 

[S2B]

I wouldn’t want a partner that’s not only unsupportive but also mean when he isn’t the center of your attention.

I’d rethink this union. 
Go on the trip. IF you’re still interested in him when you return you can see him the following week.

long distance really does suck. You don’t have a chance to see his true temperament each day. This guy could be a loose cannon.

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

This may come as a shock but men like to feel valued as well. Everyone has thier limit and to suggest he isn't understanding is unfair.

Well you can't manage him in this situation,  all you can do is give him the information,  his reaction is on him. I'm guessing he will end it again,  but you can't allow the possibility to sway your decision.  You've made the decision all that's left is to live with the outcome. 

Do you think I'm making a bad decision by going and not respecting him? 

I realize I wouldn't be thrilled if he was going on a "work trip" like this without me...  but I have to really think about the long term here, right?  If he can't stay with me through this...  what's the point?  right? 

[DKT3]

Your decision is yours to make. You make what you feel is best for you. Maybe its different if you're married,  but you aren't.

There is a opportunity cost either way. Which will be easier to live with?

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

Your decision is yours to make. You make what you feel is best for you. Maybe its different if you're married,  but you aren't.

There is a opportunity cost either way. Which will be easier to live with?

I think the fact that he's dumped me several times now and has shown narcissistic tendencies --has made me put up some walls to protect myself.  I could only imagine that I give up this opportunity and then he does something horrible again in 2 weeks and I will regret the sacrifice I made to appease him.  

[DKT3]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

I wouldn’t want a partner that’s not only unsupportive but also mean when he isn’t the center of your attention.

I’d rethink this union. 
Go on the trip. IF you’re still interested in him when you return you can see him the following week.

long distance really does suck. You don’t have a chance to see his true temperament each day. This guy could be a loose cannon.

Again,  with the limited information its unfair to label this guy. Maybe the relationship is long, maybe he was supportive but his patience has run thin.

[DKT3]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I think the fact that he's dumped me several times now and has shown narcissistic tendencies --has made me put up some walls to protect myself.  I could only imagine that I give up this opportunity and then he does something horrible again in 2 weeks and I will regret the sacrifice I made to appease him.  

I dont know, you've already admitted you would be upset if the roles were reversed,  so are you saying you expect more then you give?

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I dont know, you've already admitted you would be upset if the roles were reversed,  so are you saying you expect more then you give?

I would be making a different decision if I hadn't seen his past behavior of emotional abuse.  He was really horrific to me calling me "pyscho, insane, selfish, liar (I didn't lie), crazy, lewd swear words)"

When I confronted him recently on the fact that he was rude to me ...he immediately turned the tables and said that I'm just full of drama and I should just leave him, if he's so bad. 

He has had a habit of drinking far too much -- and he gets on these drunken rants and he gets mean.  Very mean.  

This past week, I can tell he hasn't been drinking and that's very good that he's efforting that.  I just don't have a ton of faith that he is going to make long term changes that will make him a safe partner for me to sacrifice my career and business for....

[glows]

What do you mean drunken rage? Does he have propensity to drink (alcoholic tendencies)? 

Both of you are already on different paths. Now might not be the time for you to be in a relationship as it's holding you back from accomplishing a lot more out of life than you normally would within one. 

I don't know what is so special about the celebration. Is this in recognition of the work put in or is it actual work that you have to do there? If it were me I would pass. I avoid those kinds of socials and the hype. I'd much rather plan my own trip to that country. If you want to go you have to decide whether it's worth it. 

I'd review the relationship as it sounds dubious and I wouldn't go to the celebration if it doesn't require me to be there. 

[d0nnivain]

I think offering a few days would be a lovely compromise & then get something else on the books while you are there.  Be extra nice to him because you are going to disappoint him but all in all he seems a little unreasonable.  

I have done work on every trip I have ever taken with my husband including our HM.  We spent at least 1 hour every day in an internet cafe or some place with WIFI so I could check in.  I have made hideously expensive ship to shore calls from cruises.  When we were in Hawaii every morning starting around 3 a.m. local time, which is 9 a.m. EST, I'd spend at least an hour on the phone; the staff at the hotel business center knew my voice on the phone. One day I spend the whole day holed up in the room / business center but that work that day paid for our entire 2 week trip!    DH never gets mad.  He just entertains himself for a little while.   Your guy ought to try being more supportive.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

What do you mean drunken rage? Does he have propensity to drink (alcoholic tendencies)? 

Both of you are already on different paths. Now might not be the time for you to be in a relationship as it's holding you back from accomplishing a lot more out of life than you normally would within one. 

I don't know what is so special about the celebration. Is this in recognition of the work put in or is it actual work that you have to do there? If it were me I would pass. I avoid those kinds of socials and the hype. I'd much rather plan my own trip to that country. If you want to go you have to decide whether it's worth it. 

I'd review the relationship as it sounds dubious and I wouldn't go to the celebration if it doesn't require me to be there. 

yes, I have had to help him walk a few times after a full day of drinking..... and he has gotten quite drunk almost every time we have spent a week together.  In the beginning, I wrote it off to just being a vacation or long weekend ..etc.  but then I realized it was happening more and more...

This celebration is also work.  I will have to do work there -- but it's a big deal. I will be working with the Ambassador of this country etc.  And I will make insane contacts through this trip.  I am quite shy and usually don't like these types of things either -- but, I think this will be good for me overall. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

yes, I have had to help him walk a few times after a full day of drinking..... and he has gotten quite drunk almost every time we have spent a week together.  In the beginning, I wrote it off to just being a vacation or long weekend ..etc.  but then I realized it was happening more and more...

This celebration is also work.  I will have to do work there -- but it's a big deal. I will be working with the Ambassador of this country etc.  And I will make insane contacts through this trip.  I am quite shy and usually don't like these types of things either -- but, I think this will be good for me overall. 

Then it is clear he has to go. He has a drinking problem and he has no place in your life - not at this time. 

Go to the celebration if it is for work-related purposes. I hope that you have fun. The boyfriend should not even be an issue. He needs to go. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think offering a few days would be a lovely compromise & then get something else on the books while you are there.  Be extra nice to him because you are going to disappoint him but all in all he seems a little unreasonable.  

I have done work on every trip I have ever taken with my husband including our HM.  We spent at least 1 hour every day in an internet cafe or some place with WIFI so I could check in.  I have made hideously expensive ship to shore calls from cruises.  When we were in Hawaii every morning starting around 3 a.m. local time, which is 9 a.m. EST, I'd spend at least an hour on the phone; the staff at the hotel business center knew my voice on the phone. One day I spend the whole day holed up in the room / business center but that work that day paid for our entire 2 week trip!    DH never gets mad.  He just entertains himself for a little while.   Your guy ought to try being more supportive.  

What a great relationship you both have!  That is inspiring to hear!  That's how I often feel -- my work is remote often and that's a GIFT.  I can travel and often no one knows -- it's truly a blessing.

As for him -- I haven't told him yet.  But I just booked my flight to leave from his city on Sunday.  He will be upset I'm not staying until Tuesday, but at least we will have Friday and Saturday together.  I think that should mean something.  If he throws a fit about this -- the ticket is refundable for 24 hours and I'll just take it as a sign from God. 

I admit, I'm concerned to tell him where I"m going -- he is going to be quite jealous and disappointed.  I've thought about just avoiding the location for a bit..  and letting only know I just have to go home on Sunday for work on Monday...which is technically true.   

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Go on the trip. IF you’re still interested in him when you return you can see him the following week.

Not really because I disagree with what you posted, but cos I find it incomplete, let me fix it for you in the way I see it:

"IF you’re still interested in him AND (of course) IF he is still interested in you when you return you can see him the following week or perhaps never"

[elaine567]

This is the trip of a lifetime so don't compromise for a guy who is unsupportive of your goals, who is a would be alcoholic and who dumped you in a drunken rage... This relationship hasn't a hope of making it long term... On and off is always a bad sign.
If you do come home early he will sulk and fight with you about it, so don't bother. If you do come home early you will regret it big time.
Time to reassess why you are actually with this guy.

[Uruktopi]

Oh my....

The way you describe him and your relationship makes the trip thing to be almost irrelevant.

With either one or the other choice about the trip itself and IMO:

- If he is like that in all things unrelated to this case (the trip), you sould drop hip.

- If you feel he is described by the words you posted and he is not , he should drop you (regardles the trip thing).

By the way, not all people in this world is compatible, even being both good people-

And believe me I first hand and sadly know about what I´m saying.

[Lotsgoingon]

48 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I would be making a different decision if I hadn't seen his past behavior of emotional abuse.  He was really horrific to me calling me "pyscho, insane, selfish, liar (I didn't lie), crazy, lewd swear words)"

When I confronted him recently on the fact that he was rude to me ...he immediately turned the tables and said that I'm just full of drama and I should just leave him, if he's so bad. 

Sister, this answers the question right here. You need to dump this guy--trip or no trip. You don't want to tolerate ANY abuse. Any. And if you do, as in you let your partner give you some weak half-@## apology and you go on like everything is normal, you are sending a loud signal to him: I will tolerate your abusive tantrums and stonewalling.  All he needs to do after you call out his abuse, is to give a half-#%% apology. My ex was verbally abusive. And looking back, when I really listened to her words, thought about what exactly SHE said (not when she nodded to what I said), I realized, she had never committed to ending her abusive tantrums. She had faked some humility when I called her on it, but showing some humility is a far far cry from the sometimes-difficult work of changing behavior. 

This abusive language s how he will treat you if you continue. You have to draw a hard, hard--like brutally hard line-- against abusive behavior, abusive words. Anytime you forgive that, the abusing person sees absolutely no reason to change. They know all they need to do is wait out your initial lame criticism (lame because you're not setting clear boundaries). They also know they are tilting the relationship in their favor. They treat you with abuse and then let up and you end up thinking things are great! No, things are not just immediately abusive. Doesn't mean things are good and certainly doesn’t mean the relationship is good (let along great). Your reality and expectations have been distorted--that's what happens when you stay with someone who uses language like this. You end up basically cooperating with the abusive behavior. 

So heck no, I would not cancel this trip for this jerk. I'm sorry, but the way you describe his behavior he is a jerk. Look, great opportunities come. You want someone who, even if they miss you some, will cheer you on, be curious about the mission and be proud of you for winning a contract after volunteering your services. Instead, you’re worrying about a guy who talks to you like dirt.

And let me guess: this guy probably shows the smallest bit of interest and enthusiasm about what you're doing. Which means he doesn't really understand your skillset, let alone you as a human being. 

What am I missing?

And btw: Humanitarian effort starts at home. Great to save the world—and I mean that. But make sure to also save yourself. Hell no, don't cancel the trip.  Hell the eff no!

Cancel him. 

Finally figure out why you, the high skillset super-competent person, put up with a lout like this guy. What’s up with that?!

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to tell him.  I'm really nervous and need advice.  Thanks in advance.  

It can't be pleasant to be concerned about your boyfriend's reaction to the news.

He claims that your time and energy are being distributed differently or unfairly.

And, he's become verbally abusive.

What you don't want to do is change your schedule, your style of being, or your other interests to meet the implied expectations this guy has.

With that said, I was going to suggest might you offer to meet with him after the trip is over? Or, what's keeping him from paying you a visit? But, reading the other replies now I am not so sure.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Alpaca

[Pumpernickel]

@howwouldiknownow22NO! You are not canceling a trip of your lifetime for that abusive jerk. I am very relieved to read from you again, BTW, but actually I thought you guys are already broken up. I remember the last trip you didn’t want to take with him because you were worried about how his drinking would influence your own drinking. How’s that going? 

No matter what relationship decision you make, GO ON THAT TRIP! You will do what you need to do with your LDR at your own pace, but go on that trip! 
Based on your history with that man, you cannot make him a priority. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging you. Been in my own fair share of difficult relationships, but do not place him on a higher importance level than your own professional success & professional reputation. I beg you!

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

25 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

@howwouldiknownow22NO! You are not canceling a trip of your lifetime for that abusive jerk. I am very relieved to read from you again, BTW, but actually I thought you guys are already broken up. I remember the last trip you didn’t want to take with him because you were worried about how his drinking would influence your own drinking. How’s that going? 

No matter what relationship decision you make, GO ON THAT TRIP! You will do what you need to do with your LDR at your own pace, but go on that trip! 
Based on your history with that man, you cannot make him a priority. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging you. Been in my own fair share of difficult relationships, but do not place him on a higher importance level than your own professional success & professional reputation. I beg you!

 

Thank you for saying this ...and yes, I did break up with him -- then we got back together and then HE left me and cited my coldness and too much work ... as the reason for his frustration and drunken rage. 

I just want to avoid feeling like I have any guilt in this -- so that's why I wanted to find out objectively here -- what the BEST way is to tell him about this ...AND ... to be as kind and diplomatic as possible.  

So, I booked a trip to his home -- Friday through Sunday (was supposed to be Tuesday)...and I'll leave Sunday for my work trip.   

I just need to break the news for him...but I will just let him know that I have ALREADY booked the trip to see HIM and that we can easily get together as soon as I get home.  If he blows up on that..  then, I will realize I've done everything I possibly can to make this work....  right? 

[Pumpernickel]

24 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

If he blows up on that..  then, I will realize I've done everything I possibly can to make this work....  right? 

You have done way too much already. 
I would’ve just told him beforehand what the plan is, then decided based on his reaction. I would not run the risk of spending a weekend with a guy with a drinking problem who might lose it on me while i am physically there. You know already what he’s capable of. I don’t understand why you want to do this to yourself. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So basically you don't have the confidence--or self regard-- to break up with a guy who treats you like a jerk.

You're worrying about his feelings. Why?

You have the right to break up with anyone at any time for any reason or no reason. Why are you worried about letting him down easy?  Go talk to someone about this. You're going to end up with abusive guys.

In fact, I'm going to guess that you will keep dating this jerk, and he'll keep being a jerk. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

It doesn't really matter how you break up with someone--and especially if you're scared to do so--don't feel obligated to "let the person down easy" or talk in person. No, you need to cut ties ASAP.  You save the long face-to-face conversations for a person who basically treats you really well over a sustained period of time even though you don't think the relationship is working anymore.  

Just say you don't think the relationship will work, that you think you and he aren't really compatible. You don't have to say he's an abusive jerk. Just say you don't think it'll work.

Trust me: this guy really does not care about you at all. He'll throw a bit of a nasty tantrum because he knows he can get you defensive that way, and he's hoping that you'll apologize and then when you come back to him, he can resume treating you like a jerk.

Edited September 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon