Have to tell boyfriend I can't visit him this weekend and that I'm going on a trip of a lifetime without him.

[ramen234]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Thank you for saying this ...and yes, I did break up with him -- then we got back together and then HE left me and cited my coldness and too much work ... as the reason for his frustration and drunken rage. 

I just want to avoid feeling like I have any guilt in this -- so that's why I wanted to find out objectively here -- what the BEST way is to tell him about this ...AND ... to be as kind and diplomatic as possible.  

So, I booked a trip to his home -- Friday through Sunday (was supposed to be Tuesday)...and I'll leave Sunday for my work trip.   

I just need to break the news for him...but I will just let him know that I have ALREADY booked the trip to see HIM and that we can easily get together as soon as I get home.  If he blows up on that..  then, I will realize I've done everything I possibly can to make this work....  right? 

I don't think you're telling us the whole story.  Whatever, it is not good.  

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I would be making a different decision if I hadn't seen his past behavior of emotional abuse.  He was really horrific to me calling me "pyscho, insane, selfish, liar (I didn't lie), crazy, lewd swear words)"

When I confronted him recently on the fact that he was rude to me ...he immediately turned the tables and said that I'm just full of drama and I should just leave him, if he's so bad. 

He has had a habit of drinking far too much -- and he gets on these drunken rants and he gets mean.  Very mean.  

Why on earth haven't you dumped him already?  Seriously, where is your self-respect?  Why are you worrying about what he's gonna think, walking on eggshells around his tantrums and emotional abuse?  It's a huge mistake for you to go visit him at all.  You sound like you have incredibly low self-esteem.  

You need to end this abusive relationship, and then ask yourself WHY you have been putting up with this for as long as you have.

[howwouldiknownow22]

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth haven't you dumped him already?  Seriously, where is your self-respect?  Why are you worrying about what he's gonna think, walking on eggshells around his tantrums and emotional abuse?  It's a huge mistake for you to go visit him at all.  You sound like you have incredibly low self-esteem.  

You need to end this abusive relationship, and then ask yourself WHY you have been putting up with this for as long as you have.

I just told him the news -- I sent him the flight confirmation with my flight leaving a day earlier than we discussed.  I didn't tell him I was going on an amazing trip -- I just said I have to fly out a day early because I have work on Monday and I need to be fly out Sunday night.

He blew up and said if I don't stay until Monday evening, he's done with me.  He said I've chosen work over him again and that it was proof I'm a crazy workaholic and he wants nothing more to do with me.

I said that he clearly showed me that he truly doesn't love me or want long term with me because I bought 650 dollars worth of an airfare to come visit him ....and yes, I'm leaving a day early ... but I was committed to come see him and spend 2 days with him.  If he truly loved me he would understand the delicate balance I had and how I was really trying.

He has NO idea that I have this amazing trip or private jet etc.  He just thinks I have a big meeting on Monday and he couldn't respect that.

He ordered me to call them and tell them that I have plans and I can't make it on Monday -- or he is done with me.

I said you clearly have NO respect for all the angst I've had over this...how much money I spent to come see you (even though it's a day shorter) and you just left me AGAIN.

SO...I guess we are done.  I told him I am not changing my plans. Flying back on Sunday afternoon for a big work meeting on Monday is NOT unreasonable and that I am not adjusting.  So he says NO MORE.  

So he left me....again.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Good riddance. Hey, you might eat a $600 plane ticket, but that is a low low price for losing his chump.

I don't mean to shame you ... just to tell you that you want to raise your confidence level ... Don't tell those people who are so impressed with you that you're putting up with an immature jerk ... seriously, in the future, you want to limit time with guys like this to a first date ... You end things as soon as they call you a bad name or dismiss you. End it. 

You gotta get there. Hopefully you will. Go and enjoy the trip ... BTW: bf still knows he can manipulate you ... there's still some ambivalence in your tone here--you saying you tried to compromise with him. No, you don't want compromise with him. That's where you want to be. 

Dump this guy. Let him stay away. Go have a great time and look around at people who admire you and treat you with respect. That's what you want in a partner. 

[Alpacalia]

So, now that he's left you, what are you planning to do?

If you go back to him, you have repeatedly demonstrated to him by your behaviors that he may end and resume a relationship with you whenever he wants. If it isn't the type of relationship you want, you must stop enabling it to happen. To keep a safe distance from him?

[howwouldiknownow22]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Good riddance. Hey, you might eat a $600 plane ticket, but that is a low low price for losing his chump.

I don't mean to shame you ... just to tell you that you want to raise your confidence level ... Don't tell those people who are so impressed with you that you're putting up with an immature jerk ... seriously, in the future, you want to limit time with guys like this to a first date ... You end things as soon as they call you a bad name or dismiss you. End it. 

You gotta get there. Hopefully you will. Go and enjoy the trip ... BTW: bf still knows he can manipulate you ... there's still some ambivalence in your tone here--you saying you tried to compromise with him. No, you don't want compromise with him. That's where you want to be. 

Dump this guy. Let him stay away. Go have a great time and look around at people who admire you and treat you with respect. That's what you want in a partner. 

Oh it's definitely over.  I mean...he has NO idea what a trip I have.  I simplified it and just said I have to be at a big meeting on MONDAY.  that's when MOST people MUST work.  Monday!  

Yes, I had to fly back on Sunday but I WAS FLYING TO HIM!!!!   I was PAYING TO SEE HIM!!   

Honestly, he will choke if/when he ends up seeing pictures on social media etc.   I kinda feel like I will have the last laugh even though I feel very said and I'm crying pretty hard right now.

What a jerk...  clearly shows ZERO respect for me.  I'm flying to him on FRIDAY morning to be with him until Sunday -- and that's not good enough.    I must stay until Monday or he is done with me forever?  OKAYYYYYY.  

Clearly -- that is NOT love.

And oh btw you ...fill in the blank...I'm going on a private jet to another amazing country ... to have an amazing trip..without YOU.   He will find out...I'm sure.... but he's blocked on my social media right now.  But I know someone will eventually tell him...

UGHHHHHHHH 

[Lotsgoingon]

Good job. And, next time don't wait for a man to treat you badly for the tenth time. Stop hanging with the guy early on--immediately!!!--when he dismisses you and uses abusive language. 

[DKT3]

8 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Oh it's definitely over.  I mean...he has NO idea what a trip I have.  I simplified it and just said I have to be at a big meeting on MONDAY.  that's when MOST people MUST work.  Monday!  

Yes, I had to fly back on Sunday but I WAS FLYING TO HIM!!!!   I was PAYING TO SEE HIM!!   

Honestly, he will choke if/when he ends up seeing pictures on social media etc.   I kinda feel like I will have the last laugh even though I feel very said and I'm crying pretty hard right now.

What a jerk...  clearly shows ZERO respect for me.  I'm flying to him on FRIDAY morning to be with him until Sunday -- and that's not good enough.    I must stay until Monday or he is done with me forever?  OKAYYYYYY.  

Clearly -- that is NOT love.

And oh btw you ...fill in the blank...I'm going on a private jet to another amazing country ... to have an amazing trip..without YOU.   He will find out...I'm sure.... but he's blocked on my social media right now.  But I know someone will eventually tell him...

UGHHHHHHHH 

Just like you, he chose himself,  that doesn't really make him a jerk or mean he doesn't care about you.

I see this time and time again,  especially here on this site, women who believe its ok to choose themselves yet expects the guy to choose them.

Work was your priority,  nothing wrong with that, he wants a woman who makes him more of a priority,  thats just not you. Move on, really no need to be bitter. Most relationships in our lives will fail.

Edited September 23, 2021 by DKT3

[Lotsgoingon]

The trip is a side show. The OP's man has attacked with with majorly abusive language. That's the issue. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Work was your priority,  nothing wrong with that, he wants a woman who makes him more of a priority,  thats just not you. Move on, really no need to be bitter. Most relationships in our lives will fail.

Agree.

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Just like you, he chose himself,  that doesn't really make him a jerk or mean he doesn't care about you.

I see this time and time again,  especially here on this site, women who believe its ok to choose themselves yet expects the guy to choose them.

Work was your priority,  nothing wrong with that, he wants a woman who makes him more of a priority,  thats just not you. Move on, really no need to be bitter. Most relationships in our lives will fail.

No, I'm sorry ...I think that's a jerk.   He doesn't pay my bills and I don't want him to.  BUT....his most recent ex ended up suing him because she quit her career as a personal trainer for 4 years to be his girlfriend and then when they broke up she said she had trouble finding a new job.   This isn't new.

The fact that I was sacrificing my friday and my money to pay for a flight to see him...  and I simply cut it a day short?  That is ridiculous....   that's not me being selfish...  that was me protecting my income but also trying to see him.    So I don't agree with you.  sorry.  I was already making stupid sacrifices there and that wasn't even good enough.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The trip is a side show. The OP's man has attacked with with majorly abusive language. That's the issue. 

that's true and ultimately why I knew I had to fend for myself. 

[DKT3]

Just now, howwouldiknownow22 said:

No, I'm sorry ...I think that's a jerk.   He doesn't pay my bills and I don't want him to.  BUT....his most recent ex ended up suing him because she quit her career as a personal trainer for 4 years to be his girlfriend and then when they broke up she said she had trouble finding a new job.   This isn't new.

The fact that I was sacrificing my friday and my money to pay for a flight to see him...  and I simply cut it a day short?  That is ridiculous....   that's not me being selfish...  that was me protecting my income but also trying to see him.    So I don't agree with you.  sorry.  I was already making stupid sacrifices there and that wasn't even good enough.  

He wasn't your priority no matter how you justify it. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you have to understand,  he is not obligated to stay in a relationship where he isn't happy about not being a priority.  Money is easy, time is more difficult because you just can't make more. 

Look at it this way, every failed relationship prepares you for the right relationship.  Also keep in mind, your actions can also be seen as jerky. I mean you even tried to deceive the guy.

[DKT3]

5 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

that's true and ultimately why I knew I had to fend for myself. 

If you recall,  I told you he would  break it off,  its because he was really done the last time. Justify it however it makes you feel better,  but you both ruined the relationship.  Just learn from it.

[howwouldiknownow22]

7 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

If you recall,  I told you he would  break it off,  its because he was really done the last time. Justify it however it makes you feel better,  but you both ruined the relationship.  Just learn from it.

yeah, if I'm honest it's because all the falling down drunk stuff...and emotional abuse left me...feeling ..done.  I was hanging on becuase I wanted to believe he wasn't the monster that he is.. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

BUT....his most recent ex ended up suing him because she quit her career as a personal trainer for 4 years to be his girlfriend and then when they broke up she said she had trouble finding a new job.   This isn't new.

How do you know this?

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

How do you know this?

he told me.  He had to pay over 100k to her for that...

[DKT3]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

yeah, if I'm honest it's because all the falling down drunk stuff...and emotional abuse left me...feeling ..done.  I was hanging on becuase I wanted to believe he wasn't the monster that he is.. 

 

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

yeah, if I'm honest it's because all the falling down drunk stuff...and emotional abuse left me...feeling ..done.  I was hanging on becuase I wanted to believe he wasn't the monster that he is.. 

Clearly you presented issues he didn't want to deal with. The relationship didn't work,  its both your fault. 

I keep hammering this point because its unhealthy for you to came away from this blaming it all on him. If you fail to recognize and acknowledge your flaws you will have a string of failures. 

[glows]

You don't want to be with him already. No, he's likely not a great partner but you already knew that. Don't play these games. If you want to go on the trip, go, but you didn't really need this trip's excuse to decide he's not boyfriend material. 

It is ok to let go. These things are painful but take a more active approach to this. You don't like him and he's been hurting you for awhile. Just own it, what you feel, what you want and then you can  take charge of your own life and move on.

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You don't want to be with him already. No, he's likely not a great partner but you already knew that. Don't play these games. If you want to go on the trip, go, but you didn't really need this trip's excuse to decide he's not boyfriend material. 

It is ok to let go. These things are painful but take a more active approach to this. You don't like him and he's been hurting you for awhile. Just own it, what you feel, what you want and then you can  take charge of your own life and move on.

thank you.  yes, I think I've just been holding on to resentment from this relationship and trying to believe he can change...  I did already know...and I think I struggle becuase I remember how amazing it was in the beginning.... he had me really fooled for awhile.   

I didn't need the trip's excuse...   but I didn't even TELL HIM the full truth about it!  That's what is really crazy.  I was still paying 675 dollars to fly out to him for 3 days but I was leaving a day early and THAT is a reason to break up with me?   That's ridiculous.

I told him he could come HERE to me... and then we could have all 3.5 days ..since my location is closer to my meetings on Monday.  Of course, he wouldn't do that... I even offered him my airline credit to come to ME.  noooooooo.....  

He is just all about him. He showed who he is.  I just need to be true to it...

[glows]

4 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

thank you.  yes, I think I've just been holding on to resentment from this relationship and trying to believe he can change...  I did already know...and I think I struggle becuase I remember how amazing it was in the beginning.... he had me really fooled for awhile.   

I didn't need the trip's excuse...   but I didn't even TELL HIM the full truth about it!  That's what is really crazy.  I was still paying 675 dollars to fly out to him for 3 days but I was leaving a day early and THAT is a reason to break up with me?   That's ridiculous.

I told him he could come HERE to me... and then we could have all 3.5 days ..since my location is closer to my meetings on Monday.  Of course, he wouldn't do that... I even offered him my airline credit to come to ME.  noooooooo.....  

He is just all about him. He showed who he is.  I just need to be true to it...

He will likely want to make up and contact you throughout and next week after this disagreement. On/off relationships are unstable and you both have a history of that together. I'd anticipate this and think slowly/carefully about how you'll respond in the coming days or weeks. Don't worry about what has happened now, figure out what you will do going forward. 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

he told me.  He had to pay over 100k to her for that...

Okay.

I was not aware that you could successfully sue for resigning from a place of employment to become someone's girlfriend.

Hopefully, you'll be able to put this behind you and enjoy your trip.

30 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

BUT....his most recent ex ended up suing him because she quit her career as a personal trainer for 4 years to be his girlfriend and then when they broke up she said she had trouble finding a new job.   This isn't new.

 

[DKT3]

Its not ridiculous to breakup.  I think your not really hearing what he is saying, right or wrong its how he feels and that is you have never made him a priority.  Its not necessarily about cutting the trip short or him not respecting you. You are incompatibility. You want A he wants B. A can never be B. Especially long distance. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

he literally got drunk, screamed at me

 

8 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

he's dumped me several times now

 

7 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

his past behavior of emotional abuse.  He was really horrific to me calling me "pyscho, insane, selfish, liar (I didn't lie), crazy, lewd swear words)"

 

7 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He has had a habit of drinking far too much -- and he gets on these drunken rants and he gets mean.  Very mean.

And you're actually thinking of going to "surprise" him and spend extra time with him, before you go on this trip to make him feel good about himself?

No. Just...no. 

[S2B]

Be done with him! For ever!