Have to tell boyfriend I can't visit him this weekend and that I'm going on a trip of a lifetime without him.

[d0nnivain]

Glad it's over.  Go on that trip with a clear conscious & don't look back.  

There has to be more to the story of him paying his EX GF a personal trainer $100k.  She chose to give her job.  It makes no sense. 

Between the name calling, the drinking & him lying to you . . . not worth it.   Enjoy your trip.   

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There has to be more to the story of him paying his EX GF a personal trainer $100k.  She chose to give her job.  It makes no sense. 

Agreed. 

You definitely didn't have the full story there, OP. Fortunately, it sounds like you're going to put this mess behind you. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

. He wasn't thrilled and he literally got drunk, screamed at me 

It's not working out for you. Go on your trip. End it with this abusive alcoholic.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

 

And you're actually thinking of going to "surprise" him and spend extra time with him, before you go on this trip to make him feel good about himself?

No. Just...no. 

Yeah, well even the trip I had planned to appease him wasn't ENOUGH for him.

He literally said unless I stay the entire time (until Monday) instead of leaving on Sunday so I can be back in time for my "big meeting"...on Monday he was DONE with me.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not working out for you. Go on your trip. End it with this abusive alcoholic.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it is.   He had avoided drinking all week long while we communicated by phone since I told him I was sick of his drunken rants...that caused him to end our relationship LAST weekend.  

So, I had some hope that he was trying improve himself.  

I guess not. 

[Caauug]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I keep hammering this point because its unhealthy for you to came away from this blaming it all on him. If you fail to recognize and acknowledge your flaws you will have a string of failures. 

Mate, give up, the horse is dead.... 

Evolution has made men and women different, we think different, we have different needs, our attraction to a mate is different, we even love differently. With the way modern society and SM, including here @ LS, it gets to be harder to see the other side... It has to be looked for. Validation of ones feelings is one of the easiest cheapest emotions to be obtained now. In the past it was one of the hardest....  Right or wrong times have changed.

NB: This comment is not to be taken as an attack on anyone or any gender....

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, Caauug said:

Mate, give up, the horse is dead.... 

Evolution has made men and women different, we think different, we have different needs, our attraction to a mate is different, we even love differently. With the way modern society and SM, including here @ LS, it gets to be harder to see the other side... It has to be looked for. Validation of ones feelings is one of the easiest cheapest emotions to be obtained now. In the past it was one of the hardest....  Right or wrong times have changed.

NB: This comment is not to be taken as an attack on anyone or any gender....

My biggest point to him is that he does NOT pay my bills, nor do I expect him to.  But, that means when I have a big meeting on a Monday morning -- (rare for it to be in person these days) ...I need to be ready and show up for it.  I can't say "my boyfriend wants me to stay with him another day...sorry I can't." 

So--- I think with his previous history of showing narcissistic/emotionally abusive behavior, heavy drinking and now this... I have seen enough.  

Any questions in my mind about "what if I tried ___"...are pretty much answered.  He's an a**h***.  

[Taramere]

15 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

he literally got drunk, screamed at me when I got home and told me that he was done with me because my work is too important and appeared more important than him.

I told him this is just a spontaneous thing and it's not going to last forever -- but this was my role.  He told me I should marry my work, my phone ...etc etc.  Said I was a liar, self absorbed and to leave him alone..  

He blocked me.  He then got back together with me the very next day but told me I need to change.

 

He sounds like an absolute nightmare - and the blocked part sounds like pure projection.  Also, alcohol was involved.  I'm always suspicious of nasty drunks.  Most people have a couple of drinks to relax and have a good time, but nasty drunks are more like people who use alcohol as an excuse to be abusive.   

Quote

I just want to avoid feeling like I have any guilt in this -- so that's why I wanted to find out objectively here -- what the BEST way is to tell him about this ...AND ... to be as kind and diplomatic as possible.

With a guy like this, the chances are that any effort you make to be kind and diplomatic will only result in him sending more abusive messages accusing you of being patronising, condescending etc.  However you put it, the chances are that you'll get a barrage of abuse from somebody like that - but at least if you keep it short and to the point, you'll be giving him less material to work with.

[Caauug]

7 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My biggest point to him is that he does NOT pay my bills, nor do I expect him to.

And that means what??? He has no say in how the relationship will progress. It's really hard for most men to admit that women have all the power in a relationship. That is what your BF is struggling with. It doesn't matter about him, you have to do what you have to do for you.... 

I'm not wanting to get into a gender war here... Please don't take it that way. "Life is, what it is".... Human nature: Don't fight it, try to understand it!!!

[d0nnivain]

Him struggling with a power dynamic, or imbalance as he probably sees it, does not give him license to call her names.  Sure he can be pissy or have his feelings hurt.  We're all human.  I'd be upset if I was looking forward to my SO coming to visit but finding out the visit had to be cut short for their work.  But I wouldn't resort to name calling.   He can also decide that he's too low on her priority list.  If the relationship isn't working for him he knows where the door is; there is no need to belittle her for her choices.  However, this guy's out of control drinking certainly doesn't help. 

It's better that this finally ends.  She can go on her dream trip, advance her career & open herself up to the possibility that there is a somebody who is a better fit for her out there.  

[Taramere]

23 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My biggest point to him is that he does NOT pay my bills, nor do I expect him to.  But, that means when I have a big meeting on a Monday morning -- (rare for it to be in person these days) ...I need to be ready and show up for it.  I can't say "my boyfriend wants me to stay with him another day...sorry I can't." 

So--- I think with his previous history of showing narcissistic/emotionally abusive behavior, heavy drinking and now this... I have seen enough.  

Any questions in my mind about "what if I tried ___"...are pretty much answered.  He's an a**h***.  

I'm glad you've made a decision.  For me, the "getting drunk and being abusive" bit would be the dealbreaker.  Without that aspect, maybe there would have been potential for other issues to be ironed out along the way...but if there's one sort of person you absolutely cannot reason with, it's an abusive drunk.   People who try can often end up placing themselves at risk.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Him struggling with a power dynamic, or imbalance as he probably sees it, does not give him license to call her names.  Sure he can be pissy or have his feelings hurt.  We're all human.  I'd be upset if I was looking forward to my SO coming to visit but finding out the visit had to be cut short for their work.  But I wouldn't resort to name calling.   He can also decide that he's too low on her priority list.  If the relationship isn't working for him he knows where the door is; there is no need to belittle her for her choices.  However, this guy's out of control drinking certainly doesn't help. 

It's better that this finally ends.  She can go on her dream trip, advance her career & open herself up to the possibility that there is a somebody who is a better fit for her out there.  

Thanks, yes, he said I was not prioritizing HIM by having to attend a "big meeting" on Monday... and I should have told them that I already had plans.  I said, Mondays are typically WORK days --   Again, he doesn't have any clue what I am REALLY doing by going on this amazing trip. 

I was trying to make this work and just dip my toe in the water -- by still showing I had paid 675 dollars for flights to go see him already...  and yes, I am leaving a day early, but I was making a serious commitment to come see him again. That ended with his ultimatum.

The other thing that I should point out is he completely left me in his drunken rant LAST weekend when he was supposed to come visit me for 4 days.  He literally blocked me the night before and cancelled his flights...all because I didn't call him back fast enough after I left my women's bible study.  He said I was "neglecting him" so he ended the relationship last WEEK.

I forgave him -- and that's why I was trying to test this again ..but still maintain my work.  I can't put him on a pedestal when I saw firsthand how easily he could leave me at the drop of a hat....  

 

[d0nnivain]

@howwouldiknownow22  I'm on your side.  There are more reasons to be done then to keep trying to make this work when he prefers to hide in a bottle & lash out when upset. 

Granted he does not know this is the trip of a life time.  He may think it's an ordinary Monday & you could probably phone that in or Zoom.  Even if he knew how amazing this opportunity is for you, his attitude won't change so why are you continuing to waste your time?  

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: even if he paid your bills, so what? You still don't want to be with someone who talks to you like he does, and you still have a right and duty to yourself really to go on this fabulous work opportunity.

What the heck does billpaying have to do with it? You think full-time moms should just put up with nasty treatment because their husbands are the breadwinners. That's absurd. Come on now! You know better than this. 

I hadn't realized the alcohol issue. Wow, you are really putting up with foolishness.

And you need to change your narrative here. You still seem to be saying that HE ended things. No, you want the narrative to be that YOU ended things. Otherwise, you're just being passive and acted upon. You are not an actor making decisions about your life. 

There must be some alcoholism history in your family for you to feel so comfortable with this guy. Mom or dad? Grandmom or granddad? Some uncles or aunts? Siblings? Somewhere in your history, you learned that you don't matter to people you are in close relationship with. And you compensating by being ridiculously understanding, aka very tolerant of abuse and nasty treatment.

Edited September 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: even if he paid your bills, so what? You still don't want to be with someone who talks to you like he does, and you still have a right and duty to yourself really to go on this fabulous work opportunity.

What the heck does billpaying have to do with it? You think full-time moms should just put up with nasty treatment because their husbands are the breadwinners. That's absurd. Come on now! You know better than this. 

I hadn't realized the alcohol issue. Wow, you are really putting up with foolishness.

And you need to change your narrative here. You still seem to be saying that HE ended things. No, you want the narrative to be that YOU ended things. Otherwise, you're just being passive and acted upon. You are not an actor making decisions about your life. 

There must be some alcoholism history in your family for you to feel so comfortable with this guy. Mom or dad? Grandmom or granddad? Some uncles or aunts? Siblings? Somewhere in your history, you learned that you don't matter to people you are in close relationship with. And you compensating by being ridiculously understanding, aka very tolerant of abuse and nasty treatment.

Thank you.  Part of me has had to hold myself back and come and re-read these responses, because I"m tempted to email him and ask if it's really over...  I really can't believe he is ending this relationship yet again -- despite the fact that I really was trying to go and see him...   I just have to remember it was ALL about him.  

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Thank you.  Part of me has had to hold myself back and come and re-read these responses, because I"m tempted to email him and ask if it's really over...  I really can't believe he is ending this relationship yet again -- despite the fact that I really was trying to go and see him... 

Why on earth??  You not only need to keep him blocked, but you need to get into some serious therapy to unpack your poor decision-making.  You are considering running back to an ABUSER.  This guy gave you more than enough signs that he was abusive.  And yet you chose to still book a flight to go see him and "try to make it work."  You walked on eggshells around him so as not to make him mad, and you waited for HIM to be the one to break up with you, instead of ending this horrible relationship.  That's just very concerning and dysfunctional.  Something is off here.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Thank you.  Part of me has had to hold myself back and come and re-read these responses, because I"m tempted to email him and ask if it's really over...  I really can't believe he is ending this relationship yet again -- despite the fact that I really was trying to go and see him...   I just have to remember it was ALL about him.  

Are you serious?  Why do you want this falling down drunk abuser?  Please raise your standards.

He talks to you the way he does because he knows you're weak for him.  Be stronger.

Edited September 23, 2021 by stillafool

[Snow_Queen]

First of all, this guy a jerk. There is nothing good that could come from this relationship. It sounded very one sided. You also put a lot of time and effort into your career. There is nothing wrong with wanting to prioritize that right now. It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or a bad person for choosing a job over a man. That’s what he wanted you to believe because it was an effective way to get you to bend to his will. 

Many women, myself included, have good careers and can manage healthy, balanced relationships. There are so many issues with this relationship that it was bound to fail for one reason or another.

[howwouldiknownow22]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you serious?  Why do you want this falling down drunk abuser?  Please raise your standards.

He talks to you the way he does because he knows you're weak for him.  Be stronger.

Thank you.  I get strength and perspective from coming here.  Thank you so much 

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

9 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

First of all, this guy a jerk. There is nothing good that could come from this relationship. It sounded very one sided. You also put a lot of time and effort into your career. There is nothing wrong with wanting to prioritize that right now. It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or a bad person for choosing a job over a man. That’s what he wanted you to believe because it was an effective way to get you to bend to his will. 

Many women, myself included, have good careers and can manage healthy, balanced relationships. There are so many issues with this relationship that it was bound to fail for one reason or another.

Thank you -- Yes it was extremely one sided.  I have spent so much money and time trying to be with him.  I have gone out to visit him 19 times in 11 months -- he's been to my home 4 times total.   I would work remotely around him -- and he would often just clear his schedule since he has employees and expect me to do the same.  MOST people have to work during business hours during the week -- I wasn't asking for much ...in my opinion.  The last trip, it's true I took a zoom call on a Saturday, but I wasn't even participating in it.  I was literally out drinking wine with him a restaurant and only had it active on my phone in case someone needed me.   

I have made SO many concessions ...and I think he just needs a person who he can control and also..  travel with him with ZERO obligations.  That's what he wants...he wants me to have no obligations when I'm with him...

So, I have to move on and really focus on the issues at hand.  This work/life balance was just the straw that broke the camels back.  He needs me to be submissive and at his beck and call and when I'm not ...he's done. 

So, time to face the music, right?  I just have to sit with this... and know that I can't make it better.  

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 I have gone out to visit him 19 times in 11 months

Did he pay for any of these trips?

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He needs me to be submissive

No sweetie, he needs AA.

[howwouldiknownow22]

Just now, stillafool said:

Did he pay for any of these trips?

He paid for about 2 of them.  I spent THOUSANDS -- not to mention the times I had to work in airports and juggle clients ....so I could travel TO HIM.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He needs me to be submissive

Is this a BDSM situation? Because putting up with this much abuse, nonsense, drunken rants seems quite odd, particularly for a LDR.

When you get your own drinking addressed, you'll have much better self respect and self esteem and garbage material like this man won't seem like a consideration to waste your time, money and energy on.

When your self respect as well as mental and physical health are intact, horrible treatment is not an option. 

Hopefully this trip will get you involved in healthier endeavors and healthier people.

Edited September 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Els]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a BDSM situation?

Sorry, but it really effing bothers me when people ask this question about a clearly abusive, nonconsensual situation. This is evidently just abuse, whether or not kink is involved in the abuse is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that she needs to run yesterday. It's like asking someone who posts about an abusive relationship, "Are you heterosexual or homosexual?"