Why do I now want my ex back again?

[Ldog92]

Okay so bare with me guys.

 

I was with my ex for 6/7 years and we have 2 children together. It was a long distance relationship so we only saw each other once a month. It was a very argumentative relationship and we both weren’t truly happy, although we did laugh and joke a lot. We decided to split and go separate ways officially at the beginning of 2020, but we remained in contact because of the kids of course. However, in the past 3/4 months we decided to give it another go, and I moved in with her and our kids. It’s something I always wanted even when we were apart, to give it another go properly and see if we could make it work as I knew I still loved her, but she wasn’t sure she still loved me, and she said she didn’t. 

 

It didn’t take long before old ways started creeping in, and the arguments came back. She can be very very volatile and nasty in arguments, and it made me realise I didn’t think it was going to last and I wasn’t 100% sure I was even happy. She made it clear she wasn’t happy at all, and wanted to split again. When we decided to call it a day again, I didn’t think I was that bothered as the 2/3 months living with her had been so stressful, and there were lots of arguments. I gave it a go, it didn’t work, and it just wasn’t a good relationship. But I knew I still had something there for her.

 

Just over a month from the split, she’s now with someone already, and she insists she isn’t in love with me, and I never made her happy, and she’s now happy with this guy and it feels right. I have now slipped back into how I was before we gave it another go, and I can’t stop thinking about her, and especially her moving on. It eats me up all the time. But what’s so frustrating is when I was in the relationship I simply wasn’t truly happy, and the arguments and how nasty she was, was awful. My family think I’m absolutely insane for still thinking about her and wanting her back, they feel I’ve had a lucky escape, and I totally get why they think that.

 

It worries me though to think though why am I thinking like this again, trapped in my mind? Considering we gave it another go which is what I always wanted, and it just didn’t work. Am I just a jealous person, and I don’t want to have my ex in a relationship but I don’t want anyone else to have her, or her to be happy with someone that’s not me? That’s a really bad trait to have I know, but I can’t explain why I now want her again, or can’t stop thinking about her. When the relationship just really didn’t work for us. I feel so so weak, like it frustrates me why I think this. Since March 2020, I’ve been stuck working from home, with my family, and I don’t have many friends! So a big part of me thinks it’s only because I feel lonely again I feel this way 

 

I did go to therapy before, and when my therapist heard my story she said one thing that stuck with me. She said “it isn’t about your ex specifically it’s about you, if it wasn’t your ex it’d be another girl you make it about.” And that rings true! But I’m just so interested in what you guys think! 

[stillafool]

I think you feel this way because you don't have anyone in your life to love right now.  If you went back with your ex it would end up like before because you two aren't compatible.  I agree with your family.  Try to get out and meet new women to date.

[d0nnivain]

You may have let yourself believe that the distance contributed to the break up so when you had the chance to live there, you thought the problems would dissolve.  They didn't.  So now you are left processing the break up from the mother of your children.  Before, the last time time, you had some hope you'd get back together.  That is dashed now that you have tried but it still didn't work. 

Love your kids.  Lick your wounds & move forward.  

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your therapist. You are  incompatible and toxic with your ex. So much so that your ego is the only reason you don't want to see her happy meaning you want to  block her from moving on...yet again.

 The real victims here are you kids and your flaky relationship creating chronic instability.. Stop.

[Caauug]

19 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

I still loved her, but she wasn’t sure she still loved me, and she said she didn’t. 

Try to understand your love for her is different than her love. She can't love you the way you want her to love you.

19 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

I have now slipped back into how I was before we gave it another go, and I can’t stop thinking about her, and especially her moving on. It eats me up all the time.

This is not healthy. You have some what put her a pedestal, don't do that. You really sound lost.

Women look for men to play the provider and protector role. They look for strength, both physically and mentally. They look for your strong direction in life so you can be their rock. There is lots more, but if you don't have that, you had better have heaps of money.

Time to look after yourself, get in shape, eat healthy, work on your 6 sixes. Do it for you. You can't look after anyone else if you don't look after yourself. Stay off the drugs and alcohol. Work toward achievable goals. Be the best you can be.

She doesn't see the potential in you, that's why she's off with another man. Let her go act on her hypergamy, chaise the bigger better deal. Don't let her drag you down.

[Ldog92]

19 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think you feel this way because you don't have anyone in your life to love right now.  If you went back with your ex it would end up like before because you two aren't compatible.  I agree with your family.  Try to get out and meet new women to date.

Thanks man. I know what you mean about the compatibility, it’s a big thing. I guess in a relationship term we just aren’t meant to be!

[Ldog92]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You may have let yourself believe that the distance contributed to the break up so when you had the chance to live there, you thought the problems would dissolve.  They didn't.  So now you are left processing the break up from the mother of your children.  Before, the last time time, you had some hope you'd get back together.  That is dashed now that you have tried but it still didn't work. 

Love your kids.  Lick your wounds & move forward.  

You’re right in what you say 100% agree with you. Bottom line is, I always wanted to give it another go. Thinking the 18 months apart and us maturing and going separate ways might have helped us come back stronger. But she was still the same exact person I was with before. It didn’t work so I have to come to terms with it and move forward.

[Ldog92]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree with your therapist. You are  incompatible and toxic with your ex. So much so that your ego is the only reason you don't want to see her happy meaning you want to  block her from moving on...yet again.

 The real victims here are you kids and your flaky relationship creating chronic instability.. Stop.

Wise words my friend. It’s a bad trait I know, and one video I watched about break ups was a guy saying you NEED to ditch your ego and kill it off. I don’t think I’m perfect by any means, but I thought the way I treated her, and how I put up with her crap means that I’m good enough for her. But it’s clearly not what she wants, she can’t let go of our past and she doesn’t love me. I hope to one day get in that place where I am truly happy for her to move on and be happy, and also find that same happiness myself. 

[Ldog92]

10 minutes ago, Caauug said:

Try to understand your love for her is different than her love. She can't love you the way you want her to love you.

This is not healthy. You have some what put her a pedestal, don't do that. You really sound lost.

Women look for men to play the provider and protector role. They look for strength, both physically and mentally. They look for your strong direction in life so you can be their rock. There is lots more, but if you don't have that, you had better have heaps of money.

Time to look after yourself, get in shape, eat healthy, work on your 6 sixes. Do it for you. You can't look after anyone else if you don't look after yourself. Stay off the drugs and alcohol. Work toward achievable goals. Be the best you can be.

She doesn't see the potential in you, that's why she's off with another man. Let her go act on her hypergamy, chaise the bigger better deal. Don't let her drag you down.

Thanks brother, some real nice words of advice and you’re right in everything you say. I am lost atm and thankfully I’m in the gym 5 days a week before work, focussing on goals and myself. But she’s in my head almost 90% of the time, and I can’t get my head around why considering how bad we were together really. I guess I miss that best friend feeling, and laughs we had together as we had plenty. I said to my therapist before it’s that feeling of not being wanted, being left behind and forgotten about, I guess that ties in with my ego though like the Wiseman said above.

I just got to keep pushing myself and focussing on bettering me, reaching my goals and potential as that will take many months and see where I am in a few months time! Thanks again for your words though brother! Really appreciate them.

 

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, Ldog92 said:

she can’t let go of our past

Very few can.
Seems to me, people in love and who want to reconcile, tend to remember and concentrate on the good bits of a relationship, whereas I guess your ex, only remembers the bad bits and can't forget them.
Women especially are often pretty good at remembering every upset, every hurt, every disappointment, every frustration, every argument from the beginning of time... 
Men tend to forget, once an argument is finished it is finished according to him, she on the other hand is still nursing grievances, grievances she will remember and store away for a long long time.

A 6--7 yr relationship with two kids and  long distance  was never going to work, what were you thinking? 
You moved in far too late, she had already built up resentment towards you.
A few "laughs" will not cancel that out.

Edited September 24, 2021 by elaine567

[Ldog92]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Very few can.
Seems to me, people in love and who want to reconcile, tend to remember and concentrate on the good bits of a relationship, whereas I guess your ex, only remembers the bad bits and can't forget them.
Women especially are often pretty good at remembering every upset, every hurt, every disappointment, every frustration, every argument from the beginning of time... 
Men tend to forget, once an argument is finished it is finished according to him, she on the other hand is still nursing grievances, grievances she will remember and store away for a long long time.

A 6--7 yr relationship with two kids and  long distance  was never going to work, what were you thinking? 
You moved in far too late, she had already built up resentment towards you.
A few "laughs" will not cancel that out.

Thank you for the reply Elaine! Your words pretty much echo what my wise mother has been telling me. In the way that women tend to hold on to these grudges and will struggle to ever let them go. I wish my mindset was built similar to hers, in regards to only remembering and thinking of the bad and bitter times as it may help me move forward. 
 

I couldn’t move in before that to be perfectly honest Elaine. My ex is real volatile and can just explode so easily and lose her head. It’s honestly nigh on impossible to explain to strangers just how bad she can be. So the arguments were too much before our 18 months apart. I thought moving in was a recipe for disaster. That’s why I was hoping during our 18 months apart she had mellowed and changed, but she never will, I don’t think towards me anyway. You’re again 100% right in what you say though when you said the laughs won’t cancel out all of the resentment she has built up towards me. 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Ldog92 said:

My ex is real volatile and can just explode so easily and lose her head. It’s honestly nigh on impossible to explain to strangers just how bad she can be.

Why did you have two children with such a "volatile" person?

[Ldog92]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why did you have two children with such a "volatile" person?

Well to go into specifics. The first time she assured me she was taking the pill, and did not enjoy the feeling of using condoms basically. So at my young age I thought it would be okay and safe as she was on the pill. The second time was a few years later, and we had begun using condoms, apart from one night and that’s how our second was born. Just to clear up any confusion here, she’s extremely volatile with me, and not anyone else. She’s short tempered, but is only really explosive with me. Never the kids or anyone else.

[elaine567]

OK so was she ever "normal" with you, ie when you first dated perhaps or was she always "explosive" from day one?

[Ldog92]

45 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK so was she ever "normal" with you, ie when you first dated perhaps or was she always "explosive" from day one?

She was certainly normal at the start but she did show a little hot headed and an argumentative side i would say reasonably early, but nothing unusual I’d say or to the extent I saw in years to follow. To outsiders or people that don’t know her as deeply as I do she comes across lovely. But she admits herself she’s a complete hot head. She thinks it’s only because of me she is, and she’s adamant no other man can get her that angry or has done. Tbh she hasn’t spent long enough with another man to find that out. Since we’ve been apart she’s only saw a few men for a few weeks at a time max, so no one has got to know her deep enough for her to expose this side of her. I’m pretty sure it will come out with any man once they piss her off, or go up against her. But time will only tell and I’ll likely never find that out. It’s none of my business any way I guess, it’s just something I’d be so interested to know though. Just if it is only me that gets her that angry.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Ldog92
Amended first sentence

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Ldog92 said:

She was certainly normal at the start but she did show a little hot headed and an argumentative side i would say reasonably early, but nothing unusual I’d say or to the extent I saw in years to follow. To outsiders or people that don’t know her as deeply as I do she comes across lovely. But she admits herself she’s a complete hot head. She thinks it’s only because of me she is, and she’s adamant no other man can get her that angry or has done. Tbh she hasn’t spent long enough with another man to find that out. Since we’ve been apart she’s only saw a few men for a few weeks at a time max, so no one has got to know her deep enough for her to expose this side of her. I’m pretty sure it will come out with any man once they piss her off, or go up against her. But time will only tell and I’ll likely never find that out. It’s none of my business any way I guess, it’s just something I’d be so interested to know though. Just if it is only me that gets her that angry.

The problem is not really her, any more. 
Why do you think you rubbed her up the wrong way?
A woman left to bring two kids up essentially on her own was not really ever going to be very happy with a guy who shows up once a month was she?

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Women especially are often pretty good at remembering every upset, every hurt, every disappointment, every frustration, every argument from the beginning of time... 
Men tend to forget, once an argument is finished it is finished according to him, she on the other hand is still nursing grievances, grievances she will remember and store away for a long long time.

Thanks, I have noticed this in my own R and in others also. I once stated here it was like a stamp book, once the book was full she was gone. He could get blank pages added but could never get full pages removed. Every "Stamp" could be reviewed and never forgotten. For the woman it must have something to do with "protection"  or self preservation. Part of human nature but I have never read about it anywhere but here.... Thanks again for bringing that up.

5 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

I said to my therapist before it’s that feeling of not being wanted, being left behind and forgotten about, I guess that ties in with my ego though like the Wiseman said above.

Or not enough ego? Misplaced ego? Envision yourself as the ship in her emotional storm. Her emotional waves smashing against your mighty steel bow, you still plow on in your predetermined direction unfaltering. That is where you should have been/want to be the next time.

Your R with your EX is over, she's moved on. You will likely, in time, find some other piece of fluff (Nice lady...) you are interested in... You don't want to make the same mistakes again. Educate yourself on "Evolutionary Behavior Biology" (YouTube search, from "Stanford") or simply, human nature. Google "the rational male blog" Rolo also has books, the free stuff is good and heaps of it. This should also clear your head on why things happen and why people do what people do.

On 9/23/2021 at 7:18 PM, Ldog92 said:

my therapist heard my story she said one thing....

She??? If you are in agreement with her, fine.... Men and women think different, not always a therapist of the opposite sex will understand you. Be careful.... (this will apply the other way also...)

Edited September 24, 2021 by Caauug

[Ldog92]

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

Or not enough ego? Misplaced ego? Envision yourself as the ship in her emotional storm. Her emotional waves smashing against your mighty steel bow, you still plow on in your predetermined direction unfaltering. That is where you should have been/want to be the next time.

Your R with your EX is over, she's moved on. You will likely, in time, find some other piece of fluff (Nice lady...) you are interested in... You don't want to make the same mistakes again. Educate yourself on "Evolutionary Behavior Biology" (YouTube search, from "Stanford") or simply, human nature. Google "the rational male blog" Rolo also has books, the free stuff is good and heaps of it. This should also clear your head on why things happen and why people do what people do.

She??? If you are in agreement with her, fine.... Men and women think different, not always a therapist of the opposite sex will understand you. Be careful.... (this will apply the other way also...)

This is a very good and intellectual way of looking at things! I certainly have become very interested in how the brain works, and why people think the way they do. So I’ll certainly be looking into that! Thank you for the references brother! 
 

I know what you mean about the therapist! I agree with certain things, but other things I wasn’t so sure on. One of the big things people say is time heals everything, and I just hope in time these feelings will ease up. I hate the idea of people in this mental state for months/ years on end. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like an attachment issue to me.  Google "attachment" or attachment theory. 

 

[Ldog92]

Okay guys, first of all thank you for all of your replies. I don’t know if any of you will see this, but I thought I’d share it. So this morning my ex text me, just to say she’s official with her fella now and he’s her “boyfriend” and she’ll be introducing the kids slowly too him soon.

Normally this type of text would send my mind spiralling out of control and I’d feel so down. But it’s crazy, because I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would! It’s a bit of a tough one to take, but I honestly don’t feel as bad! I’ve wished her well and I can’t think why I don’t feel as down and depressed as I thought I would! 

Some of the replies have been so interesting on my first post, I wondered if any of you know why I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would? I can’t put my finger on it at all! But I just don’t feel like my mind will spiral downwards and I’ll be depressed. Any input would be great guys! 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Ldog92