Does the no contact rule work? Can I get my ex back?

[sunflower55]

hello, me (20F) and my ex (23M) were together for a year, it was long distance. He was living 2h away from me so we couldn't see each other as much as we wanted because of college . We had a very good connection, we talked about our future together constantly. I never loved someone as much as him. He was so sweet and caring. He was my boyfriend and my best friend. Unfortunately, the past few months were chaotic. Almost every week or every two weeks we would argue about something, we solved the problems the same day but the arguing was very tiring. About 2 days ago he broke up with me because of the constant arguing and said "you're the right person for me but it's the wrong timing" as for the "wrong timing" i guess he meant because of his stress at home, and the fact that he failed at college recently so he has to look for a job now. That was the biggest issue in his life because he disappointed himself and his parents. He said "you deserve better" and he's the type of person that always blames himself, and always thinks bad about himself which made me sad because it was both our fault. I sent him a one last text message that I still love him and thought about us constantly and our future, suggesting that besides all the problems we can try to fix them yet again. He saw the message but didn't respond, I don't blame him though, he's probably trying to figure things out,he's lost. That break up really hurt me because I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me too but the arguing was too much for him (understandable). I wanted to try the no contact rule to try to get him back and honestly to give him space. This is the first day of no contact, and I'm not going to lie... it's hard. I'm used to talking to him all day, everyday. I heard from some relationship coaches that no contact is effective. I'm just wondering could this really work or not? Has anybody went through the same thing and tried this? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sunflower55 said:

I heard from some relationship coaches that no contact is effective.

Sorry this happened. Breakups hurt and unfortunately there was too much stress and strain not only from being long distance but from growing apart, wasting time talking all day rather than focusing on grades and getting flack as a result, etc.

 Please don't waste your time on those 'get your ex back' scams. They are charlatans who prey on broken hearts.

Think about it. There were quite a few very valid reasons why it fell apart, so 30 days of no contact would magically fix all that?

[sunflower55]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Think about it. There were quite a few very valid reasons why it fell apart, so 30 days of no contact would magically fix all that?

yes, you're right now that i think of it sounds stupid. The "right person, wrong time" haunts me though. Just why did I meet him at the wrong time, why did it have to be like this. There is still a very strong part of me waiting for that right time for us. Because I know deep in my heart that he's my soulmate it's just that our personal problems outside of our relationship were getting in our way 😕

Edited September 23, 2021 by sunflower55

[glows]

1 hour ago, sunflower55 said:

Almost every week or every two weeks we would argue about something, we solved the problems the same day but the arguing was very tiring. About 2 days ago he broke up with me because of the constant arguing and said "you're the right person for me but it's the wrong timing" as for the "wrong timing" i guess he meant because of his stress at home, and the fact that he failed at college recently so he has to look for a job now. 

What are your arguments usually about? It sounds more like him being fed up or feeling very incompatible with you and letting you down easy about failing at school. The relationship might have been on its last legs or on a rocky foundation.

[sunflower55]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

What are your arguments usually about? It sounds more like him being fed up or feeling very incompatible with you and letting you down easy about failing at school. The relationship might have been on its last legs or on a rocky foundation.

mostly about not being able to see each other. When I have time to see him he doesn't and when he has time to see me I don't. And arguments were mostly because of our frustration because we couldn't do things like couples that live close to each other. We did plan eventually to live together but... the relationship ended. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, sunflower55 said:

mostly about not being able to see each other. When I have time to see him he doesn't and when he has time to see me I don't. And arguments were mostly because of our frustration because we couldn't do things like couples that live close to each other. We did plan eventually to live together but... the relationship ended. 

Dating like this through school is difficult. I'd let the dust settle for awhile. Take that time inbetween to cool off and look back at the relationship through new/fresh eyes a couple of weeks from now. No contact is breathing room for yourself, not necessarily to get an ex back. 

What you are feeling, that sense of loss and despair, are all very normal and it's pain/withdrawal missing the person you were with. It's healthy to keep a good distance while you recoup and process the break up. Wanting to immediately repair that loss and get your ex back is a kneejerk reaction to loss also. Cool off and don't give in to that. Give yourself more time to process things and see where you are at in a month or two. 

[sunflower55]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Dating like this through school is difficult. I'd let the dust settle for awhile. Take that time inbetween to cool off and look back at the relationship through new/fresh eyes a couple of weeks from now. No contact is breathing room for yourself, not necessarily to get an ex back. 

What you are feeling, that sense of loss and despair, are all very normal and it's pain/withdrawal missing the person you were with. It's healthy to keep a good distance while you recoup and process the break up. Wanting to immediately repair that loss and get your ex back is a kneejerk reaction to loss also. Cool off and don't give in to that. Give yourself more time to process things and see where you are at in a month or two. 

Should I text him first after a while or wait for him to text me? If I should be the first one, do you have any ideas of what I could tell/ask him? 

[flitzanu]

delete, block, and move on.

 

he dumped you, you should not be the one to reach out to him.  i know you want to believe that there is sincerity in his words, but it's literally just the same line that people say when they want to break up with people and not be the bad guy.

"it's the wrong time"

"i just need space"

"it's not you, it's me"

 

[sunflower55]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

delete, block, and move on.

 

he dumped you, you should not be the one to reach out to him.  i know you want to believe that there is sincerity in his words, but it's literally just the same line that people say when they want to break up with people and not be the bad guy.

"it's the wrong time"

"i just need space"

"it's not you, it's me"

 

i understand what you are saying, but I can't block him. We're still each others best friend, he's been with me throughout hard times. Even if we aren't romantic partners anymore the strong friendship is still there. He helped me so much. 

[flitzanu]

4 minutes ago, sunflower55 said:

i understand what you are saying, but I can't block him. We're still each others best friend, he's been with me throughout hard times. Even if we aren't romantic partners anymore the strong friendship is still there. He helped me so much. 

except you're not best friends, you aren't speaking anymore and he broke up with you, how is that being best friends?  we can only tell you this for you to look back on in months or years and understand that we are giving you advice that we've all gone through...if you keep sticking around you're just going to be hurting yourself every single day until you find out he's dating someone else.  

[sunflower55]

1 minute ago, flitzanu said:

except you're not best friends, you aren't speaking anymore and he broke up with you, how is that being best friends?  we can only tell you this for you to look back on in months or years and understand that we are giving you advice that we've all gone through...if you keep sticking around you're just going to be hurting yourself every single day until you find out he's dating someone else.  

we're both hurting right now and it makes no sense that we keep talking like nothing ever happened even if we are best friends. I'm glad you replied and gave your advice but it's on me whether i will take your advice or not. I hope you understand 

[stillafool]

Of course you can chose to take our advice or leave it but I agree that you aren't best friends because BFs are usually in each other's lives forever.  He has broken up with you saying "not the right time"  whatever that means.  One thing for sure is constant arguing is a sign of incompatiblity and can cause considerable stress.

[sunflower55]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course you can chose to take our advice or leave it but I agree that you aren't best friends because BFs are usually in each other's lives forever.  He has broken up with you saying "not the right time"  whatever that means.  One thing for sure is constant arguing is a sign of incompatiblity and can cause considerable stress.

sure

[glows]

35 minutes ago, sunflower55 said:

i understand what you are saying, but I can't block him. We're still each others best friend, he's been with me throughout hard times. Even if we aren't romantic partners anymore the strong friendship is still there. He helped me so much. 

Remaining friends with an ex is not realistic. It's preventing you from processing the break up, moving on and healing, meeting someone new. Don't contact him anymore. Live your life freely going forward. 

What did he help you with? You have to stand on your own and be more independent. Depending heavily on someone like this cripples you. Encourage yourself to be more self-reliant, heal from this, have faith in yourself.

 

[d0nnivain]

Your initial Q is does the NC rule work.  Short answer is yes, NC helps somebody to heal. 

It does not work the way you want it to.  Think about it.  Your long distance BF who just flunked out of college & feels like a loser, who you fight with who thinks you deserve better is not going to respond positively to you disappearing on him, even though he's the one who initiated the break up.  If you disappear on him he will conclude that you are one more person who he has disappointed & he will sink further into self pity given his situation.  He's not going to think gee I haven't heard from sunflower55.  I really miss her.  Maybe I was wrong to break up.  I should reach out.  He's going to think she's better off without me.  

But don't mix up the concepts of lovers & friends.  Although you are close & considered yourself best friends while you were dating, once the break up happens you need separation.  

You can try to fix this.  I do think it may be fixable if he can overcome his self pity.  But right now he may not be in a good emotional place to be a good BF or even just a friend.  Now that he's not in college, your paths are diverging.  

Edited September 23, 2021 by d0nnivain

[sunflower55]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Your initial Q is does the NC rule work.  Short answer is yes, NC helps somebody to heal. 

It does not work the way you want it to.  Think about it.  Your long distance BF who just flunked out of college & feels like a loser, who you fight with who thinks you deserve better is not going to respond positively to you disappearing on him, even though he's the one who initiated the break up.  If you disappear on him he will conclude that you are one more person who he has disappointed & he will sink further into self pity given his situation.  He's not going to think gee I haven't heard from sunflower55.  I really miss her.  Maybe I was wrong to break up.  I should reach out.  He's going to think she's better off without me.  

But don't mix up the concepts of lovers & friends.  Although you are close & considered yourself best friends while you were dating, once the break up happens you need separation.  

You can try to fix this.  I do think it may be fixable if he can overcome his self pity.  But right now he may not be in a good emotional place to be a good BF or even just a friend.  Now that he's not in college, your paths are diverging.  

I don't want him to feel like he's a disappointment and I don't want him to feel bad. He didn't respond to my message so I figured he needs space and he probably does. But at the same time if i don't contact him for a long period of time he'll think that I'm done with him forever (like you pointed out) , which is of course not the case. So you can probably see why I'm confused and don't really know what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, sunflower55 said:

if i don't contact him for a long period of time he'll think that I'm done with him forever

Don't worry about that . Just step back. He has your contact info. He needs time to process, sort his stuff out, miss you, etc.

Edited September 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

1 hour ago, sunflower55 said:

I don't want him to feel like he's a disappointment and I don't want him to feel bad. He didn't respond to my message so I figured he needs space and he probably does. But at the same time if i don't contact him for a long period of time he'll think that I'm done with him forever (like you pointed out) , which is of course not the case. So you can probably see why I'm confused and don't really know what to do. 

He chose to break up with you. It's not on you to keep hanging at his elbow or poking him. Leave it space and time. Occupy yourself with other things and stay busy. If he deserves to be in your life he should make more of an effort and sort himself out first.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, sunflower55 said:

I don't want him to feel like he's a disappointment and I don't want him to feel bad. He didn't respond to my message so I figured he needs space and he probably does. But at the same time if i don't contact him for a long period of time he'll think that I'm done with him forever (like you pointed out) , which is of course not the case. So you can probably see why I'm confused and don't really know what to do. 

The best thing you can do is show up.  He needs a hug not some stupid text.  (I think all texts are stupid because I don't like the medium; I am not making a qualitative bash of the message you are trying to convey).   Do not surprise him.  He needs to know you are coming. 

If you can't show up, at least send him a letter / card of support & love.  He needs something tangible.  If whatever you are trying to do requires a device (phone or computer) it's a useless empty gesture that shows low effort & lack of caring.  

He probably is not in his right mind now because he feels so down over what happened.  

[poppyfields]

sunflower, this "right person, wrong time" sounds very romantic, BUT if you were the "right" person, he would not have ended your relationship, no matter how badly he's feeling (about whatever).  People don't end relationships with the "right" person.

And you were together for an entire year, so what does "the wrong time" even mean?  It was the "right" time for an entire year, but now suddenly it's the "wrong" time?  Makes absolutely no sense.  

I think he did you a great disservice by not being honest with you.  I agree with the poster who said he was letting you down gently to not hurt you.  However, what ends up happening is it hurts you more because here you with all these romantic delusions in your head of "right person, wrong time," and him saying he's not "good enough for you," and you feeling badly with hopes of reconciling and thinking up strategies to get him to miss you and want you back.

I disagree with whomever said to show up at his and give him a hug?  Or send a letter of love and support?   What?  He ended your relationship, I don't understand that advice at all, no disrespect to the poster who said it.  

Right now what's best is to RESPECT his boundaries and ACCEPT his decision that he no longer wishes to continue your relationship, as much as it hurts.  And leave him be.  Trust me, he is NOT secretly hoping you start chasing him or sending love letters of support.  He wants to be left alone.

I think you should also prepare yourself for the very strong possibility he has met someone else, someone local, a woman with whom he can spend more time and do things like normal couples do.

I don't say that to hurt you but to get you back to reality that the relationship is over, he has moved on and sadly it's time for you to do the same.  

I'm sorry and hugs to you.   Time heals.  

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Caauug]

13 hours ago, sunflower55 said:

he failed at college recently so he has to look for a job now.

And you are still in collage? He has to find a job, not hard a lot of places these days.  When you finish collage you will have a degree of some sort, your XBF will not. This will naturally lower his status. If you finish school and can walk into a good paying job you may be making more money than him... This will also have an effect on your attraction to him. This is all part of human nature and could be an underlying part of the arguments.... 

LDR are hard, most fail. Give this time to yourself to heal and concentrate on your school studies. It takes 2 to make a R, he doesn't want to be in one with you. In time you will find someone that does want to be with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, sunflower55 said:

We're still each others best friend

It won't stay this way, OP. 

Exes rarely stay friends, let alone best friends. It's just not realistic, especially when one person (you) is still in love and didn't want the break-up. Maybe in the future you two could be friendly again, but you won't stay best friends and it's important that you start to accept that. 

The "right person, wrong time" is a platitude meant to soften the blow of breaking up with you. I am sure he admires and respects a lot of things about you, but if you were the right person, he wouldn't have ended it. Please, do not write him letters or show up and hug him. It's not what he wants from you and it will make you look desperate and like you aren't respecting his boundaries. Going No Contact isn't going to get him back, either. When someone has lost interest in trying to make it work, you going silent isn't going to change that. It will, however, give you the space to start accepting all of this. 

Break-ups hurt a lot. But you will be okay. Give yourself time to heal. 

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, sunflower55 said:

we're both hurting right now

That is the mistake that very many dumpees make.
They think the heart ache is split down the middle with both being as devastated as the other.
BUT, truth is, the dumper has usually thought about leaving for a long time so by the time of the split they may be almost over it completely..
You are blindsided and hurt, they wanted the split and initiated it.
Most split to be free to find a new love, that is the bottom line..
If you hang around him as his friend, then you will have a ring side seat to his new dating life.
That hurts big time so another reason to go no contact.
What you don't know won't hurt you.

BTW you can't be friends with a guy who is ignoring you. Most dumpers don't actually want to be friends with the person they just dumped.  The whole point of dumping someone is to get them out of your life, so you can move on to a new chapter...
 Here, the sooner you realise it is over, the sooner you can over it.

[Blind-Sided]

NC works great.... to help you get over the person you broke up with, and to get them out of your head.  It's not for getting someone back.  AND, as said above... it didn't work... you don't want them back since it will just fall apart again. 

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, sunflower55 said:

we're both hurting right now and it makes no sense that we keep talking like nothing ever happened even if we are best friends. I'm glad you replied and gave your advice but it's on me whether i will take your advice or not. I hope you understand 

i do totally understand it's on you to take any advice, i'd never want you to feel obligated, and it isn't going to offend me if my/our advice is not what you want to follow.  you've got to make your own choices and have your own experiences.  i'd just suggest coming back and reading your post and replies in 6 months, or a year.